Best, most embarrassing or funny PA speech?
 

Now. I often get "oral dyslexia" at the end of a long duty, but pride myself on quite a nice PA. HOWEVER, I've heard some shockers and brilliant ones in my time.

Any contributions?

"It's normal procedure to dim the cabin lights for a night-time landing, this is both for safety regulations and to enhance the appearance of your cabin crew!"

I've been saying this for years and no-one's ever picked me up on it!!! Just proves no-one listens!

My worst one was a refuelling announcement on a turn around...
I got through the first bit ok, (seatbelts unfastened, remain seated with the aisles clear etc)...

Just before the end of the PA, I was distracted by the Captain - and in complete 'auto mode' after the brief distraction (about 20 seconds), I returned to the last line of the PA:

'Please dont strike matches - Thank you!'

Needless to say the pax (who were regulars and knew me) had a bit of a laugh.

Then theres:
Welcome to XXX, the local time here is September 1954.

On a US domestic flight at the end of CPT's PA...

...and remember, it's always SouthWest who loves you and your money.

:)

Climb-out, 3rd stretch of the day, after a long winter week with much delays, de-icing, missed slots and various cock-ups.

*Ladies and Gentlemen, the fasten seat belt will shortly be switched off. We do recommend that you keep your seat belt fastened as long as you remain in your seat pocket*

:uhoh:

I overheard a complete pre departure pa last week, and I am sure that the pax did give "Louise in the cabin" thier full attention.



So did everybody else tuned into Manchester Ground at the time. The sarcy comments did flow after that one!

A thai guy at work still getting a handle on the english language "be cautious to open the locker and let the luggage knock you on the head"!

Worst PA I've heard yet was a skipper briefing the pax prior to a transatlantic charter. Flight to Sanford, Florida and the cabin crew were already concerned about at least one pap who had a very intense fear of flying.

Capt: "Good morning everybody, Captain XXX speaking. Welcome aboard this XXX flight to Sanford. Before we get underway, I'd like to remind you all to keep the cabin tidy. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, it's my aeroplane, not yours. Secondly, as I'm sure you are all aware Air France recently crashed at Toronto requiring 300 passengers to evacuate the aircraft before it caught fire......"

(there then followed a lengthy lecture about keeping the cabin tidy and the aisles clear and how the CC aren't here to clean up after you).

Even the CC were all stood shaking their heads in uncomfortable embarassment at this one. I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but he was definitely sitting on his brains. :rolleyes:

"Roger, Vacate D4, contact Ground 121,70, XYZ123...Ground, good morning, XYZ123 vacated D4...Ground, XYZ123, vacated D4!"

For some reason I never got an answer - how rude! :}

Damn that ASP :O - brgds fm
Empty

Best I heard...

A member of cabin crew asked if a Mr X could make himself known. When the man pressed the call button she ignored it and made the call again only a bit louder...

CC: Could Mr X PLEASE make himself known!
Mr X (at the back waving his hand) : "I'm here"
CC: "Would everyone please look round at Mr X"
Pause while whole cabin goes silent and turns round
CC: "This is Mr X. He's been two timing my friend and I just wanted to make him especially welcome"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we will soon be arriving in the Isle of Man, for those not familiar with the island the local time is .... about 50 years behind everyone else !!, cabin crew - 10 minutes to landing"

I believe the captain was given a severe ear-bashing.....



Also after an 8 sector day . . . . .

'' Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope xxxxx and xxxxx have looked after you well in the cabin, for those passengers carrying on to Plymouth, we'll be on the ground no longer than 10 minutes but for those getting off at Newquay - thankyou for leaving us . .(loud tut followed by giggles) . .oh grief . .sorry ....flying with us''

On a flight from LCA to LHR:

"Ladies and gentlemen, todays in flight entertainment is the movie Garfield, if you wish to listen to it you will find a headrest in your seat area"

well of course you will...

The same thai guy again (above) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as we are now taking on new fuel do not use your phone or LIGHT FIRES on the aircraft. (I just love flying with this fellow, cracks me up)!

Kind of similar to what worst-class said.

On a flight from JFK to LAX on song

"Ladies and Gentelmen at this time we have started our descent into Los Angleles International Airport....to enhance the natural good looks of our cabin crew, we will now be dimming the cabin light..."

My memories of the worst/most embarassing PAs always started with "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome aboard your Qantas 747 Super B!!!". And then went on and on and on.......
QF crew I'm sure you know who.......

Pardon the ignorance... "Super B" = ?

Not RW, the original "Harry High Pants" ???

The very one jetlager....
Not sure what the "Super" was.
The "B" was from 747B

cwatters, I'm rolling on the floor right now.....!

Of course no one need mention all the "heavy breathing" PAs that those nasty crew pull on unsuspecting newbies.... the shade of red they turn is quite fascinating to see! :E

maude charlee- i think i know who you mean by that keep the cabin tidy speech, he does it every flight, did the aircraft have a blue tail and 'leather' seats perchance!

Newbies
 

As you crew at the front well know, answering the interphone countless numbers of times to reset those pesky IFE seat numbers can become more more than tedious! So to break-up the monotony, I sometimes answer, instead of name, position etc as per protocol as ,
"Hello pizza-hut / kfc, can I take your order?"
OK not exactly hilarious but friendly and the newbies laugh anyway. Well, the other day I was especially bored and when the 200th call came through I answered,
"Hello this is the front cabin, there's no-one here at present to take your call, but please leave a message and your position abd we'll get back to you. BEEEEEEP...."
The problem being, he left a message and then hung up before I could reveal the joke! Is that funny or scary? he's actually been with the company about 18 months!!! I explained that none of our aircraft have answer-machines...hope it sank in!

......''Ladies and gentlemen please remember to take your personal items with you and parents don't forget your children''.:O .

One Captain at BA used to do one PA only (much to the relief of the pax).Across the Atlantic at the given time you would hear ''half way'' and the interphone replaced.

WTDWL.

best one i heard was...

as plane lands and pax get up to get bags etc as we're taxing to our stand...

"ladies and gentleman, please sit down as in the history of aviation a passenger has never got to the gates before the plane, thank you".



:ok:

I have heard one flight attendant once starting her intro to the safety message frustrated by all of the suits keeping their heads in Financial Times and Time Mags on every flight -
You need to pay attention to this: your lfe may depend on it

After the heavy landings we sometimes get on the smaller aircraft i heard one landing pa start with;

"Ladies and Gentleman while we taxi whats left of the aircraft back to stand..."

and we did get a few laughs! x

Never said/heard this one, but read it in one of those funny PA emails that you get every now and then - follows on from the above PA:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces whats left of the aircraft to the gate. Once we arrive and the smoke has cleared, you can pick your way through the wreckage to the cabin door."

Particularly funny, although obviously I would never use it!

Upon touchdown after a particularly interesting down and up again and around and around approach to Carcasonne Airport , France enthusiastic applause erupted. A PA immediately followed: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not applaud- on exiting the aircraft just throw money! :E

Flying up from Gatwick to Manchester last night,on landing and while taxinig to the gate the captain finished his address by saying "please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete standstill and the engines are turned off, this is because we may have to break quickly causing you all to roll to the front of the cabin, landing at my door and impeding my exit from the aircraft"

Made me laugh after a pretty taxing couple of days wee done BA.

Rob

I think the funniest announcement ive ever heard was on an easyJet flight to Belfast years ago.

Upon landing and taxi to the terminal. The cabin crew proceeded to welcome us to Belfast, and told us to, " be sure you take all your personal belongings with you from the overhead lockers and under the seats, and women, this includes your husbands and children...... because we cannot sell them.

The cabin was in stitches. Fantastic.

SAVAGE

In memory of my mate John

Ladies and Gentleman welcome to XXXX where the local time is XXXX. pls remain seated until the a/c has come to a complete stop and the seat belt sign has been switched off. For those of you who wish to help the cabin crew with the cleaning and turn round duties of the a/c pls stand!!

the cabin laughed but no one stood up!:)

titmitch
 

hiya honey.

sounds like you're having a ball little devil. Rxo

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Sydney, please remain seated, finger still on talk, yeah Sharon my f*cking husband is cooking dinner, whoops, until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the captain has switched off the fasten seat belt sign.

God I loved Ansett!

Worst-Class wrote:
That's hilarious! :)

On the interphone...

Welcome to Telstra, you can make your selection simply by speaking. To announce cabin secure, say 'cabin secure'. To speak to the Cabin Manager, say 'Task Master'.

Im sorry, I did not understand your selection. Please hold, while you are transferred to the next available Flight Attendant. Your call may be monitored for the entertainment of the flight deck crew. We expect to answer your call in approximately, 45 minutes.

Which reminds me of a flight I was on where the junior cabin staff went up and down the isle going "susshhhh - She won't start until you're all paying attention". Meanwhile "matron" stood at the front with the mic waiting. I couldn't see if she had a baton behind her back or a whip.

Ozangel: Thankyou. That has made my week.

I will, of course, memorise it and try to pass it off as my own.

HT :p

When I was a fresh faced junior down the back of an EZY 737, the Senior made this PA;

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome onboard the fairyland express to Barcelona. My name is Jayne and I am the high preistess on this flight.

Joining me in the cabin are two very glamourous stewardess's. In the middle is Princess Kirsty, and at the back is a right old queen Peter"

EVERY pax turned to the rear and saw me with my jaw on the galley floor and turning bright red.

On the up side, I got 3 phone numbers from cute guys.

When out on the service, she also used to say to me when she saw a passenger with a horrid shirt on "Oh my god, Peter, that's that shirt you've been, looking for. Excuse me sir, we are dying to know where you bought that shirt from, Peter has been looking for one like that for ages."

Also she always insisted on calling everyone, including the Captain "Flower" or "Treacle." One miserable captain barked back "I am NOT your flower" to which she replied "F*** off then."

God I miss her.

:O

It's not a PA, but bloody funny anyway. I heard about a CSD who had a jacket thrust in front of his nose by a very rude club passenger in the front row. The CSD opened the wardrobe, leaned inside and shouted "Make sure you get this jacket cleaned and pressed by 2 o'clock!".

Company newsletter quoted a flight attendant saying:

" A smoke detector is fitted in the toilet compartment which is located in the seat pocket in front of you."

I would have hated to be the one cleaning the cabin on turnaround!:yuk:

How about this excerpt from a safety spiel aboard the 'love' airline:

.........and should this flight become a cruise, your seat cushion becomes a flotation device........

maybe not original, but it was the first time I heard that one. :)