For Those Wanting To Do Away With LAMEs.

[lame]

"Ode to the Engineer"

The Airline Transport rated pilot;

Leaps buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than Concorde. Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water. And discusses policy with God.

The Multi-Engine rated pilot;

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a Boeing 767.
Is as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water on a calm day. And talks to God.

The Instrument rated pilot;

Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind.
Is almost as powerful as a Boeing 737-200.
Nearly as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on the water of a deep puddle. And talks to God if specifically requested.

The Commercial rated pilot;

Leaves fingernail scratch marks at the top when trying to leap a short building.
Loses a tug of war with a BAE 125.
Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. And is occasionally addressed by God.

The Private pilot;

Rarely clears a Scout camp tent.
Is run over by a single engined aircraft.
Sometimes recognizes a speeding bullet.
Can dog-paddle. And talks to animals.

The Soloed student pilot;

Runs into buildings.
Recognizes a Cessna 172 two out of three times.
Has never seen a speeding bullet.
Can stay afloat under instruction. And talks to the wall.

The Non-Soloed student pilot;

Trips over door sills on entering buildings.
Says "Gosh, look at the airplanes" a lot.
Does not know what a bullet is.
Only stands in the shallow end. And mumbles to himself.

The Licensed Aircraft Maintenance Engineer;

Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks aircraft out of hangars.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them.
Freezes water with a single glance. And talks to every body.

THE LICENSED AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE ENGINEER IS GOD.

[ER2nd.]

.....now you wouldn't be giving us a biased report now would you mate? Great story but predictable ending. Say, that job at DJ - they need another spin doctor. Only yanking yr chain. Got any about hosties?

[lame]

No, it is a true story, trust me I am an LAME.


This classic joke, with variations, must have happened somewhere, somehow...


During a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we have passed that now. The rest of the flight is expected to be smooth."

The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."

A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.

As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"


OR, there is this one.


There's a parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[ground-run]

I pilot dies and goes to hell (well he would, wouldn’t he?). He is met in the reception area by the devil. There are three doors leading out of the reception area, A, B & C. The devil explains that the pilot may choose either door A or door B. The pilot is nervous but the devil tells him that he can look thru the doors before making his choice. The pilot opens door A and finds that it is a flight simulator. A pilot is leaving the simulator, shaking and soaked with sweat. “I sure don’t want to spend eternity doing that!” says the pilot. He opens door B and finds a seedy, smoke filled bar. Pilots line the bar, cigarettes in their mouths as they drink their gin and tonics. “I’ve spent too much time already in bars like that.” Says the pilot, “I don’t want to spend eternity in one!”
“Well they are your only options,” says the devil “you must choose on”.
“Can I at least look thru door C?” asks the pilot.
“Well OK” says the devil reluctantly, “but remember you can’t go there”.
With that the pilot opens door C and finds a beautiful swimming pool, surrounded by palm trees. Beautiful blonds lie beside the pool, pilots around them plying them with drinks.
“Oh that’s for me”, says the pilot enthusiastically, “let me spend eternity there!”
“No!” replies the devil, “I told you before that it is not an option for you, that is Flight Attendant hell!”