I've posted this one before but never mind....
(At Vero Beach, a/c calling for rejoinwere expected to say on the first call whether it was to land, or to join the circuit)
N9248H (young oriental voice): "Cherokee 48H Webasso Bridge request join."
VRB ATC: "Roger 48H what are your intentions?"
N9248H: "I stay FlightSafety one more year, then go fly China Airlines!"

Also posted this one before....& still love it:

departure taking care of one CF-18 after an airshow:

ATC:"-Allouette 22, what's your heading!?"
CF-18:"-........"
ATC:"-Allouette 22, what's your heading!?"
CF-18:"-......................."
ATC:"-ALLOUETTE 22 DO YOU COPY???"
CF-18:"-...... aaaaaah, we're not heading...... we're climing....."
:p

Speedbird 147 working Jeddah Control.
"Speedbird 147, you are cleared to Bahrain Inshaalah, call for descent."
"Ummmmmmmm"
"Speedbird 147, you are cleared to Bahrain Inshaalah, call for descent."
"Ummmmmm, Speedbird 147, our destination is Bahrain International????"

German controller at LGW:
"Delta 123 I cleared you to G1 you've gone past that and are now at J3"(cue frustrated German accent)

reply-"Gee m'aam, was I married to you once?!"

CPH during late evening hours. A Shorts SC-7 is "Cleared to land 22L, after landing left via 12 to South", which is some 900 m. after the threshold.

Short lands in 600 m, turns off at a taxiway and calls TWR :

"Aaaarrh, TWR, DTR541...sorry, folks...we didn't make it" :D

ATC Humour
 

Anyone got any good/funny stories about things that have happened in the past - either on the RT or in the ops room/tower?

Is it really that bad down there?

Re: ATC Humour
 

the best thing i heard in my training (we almost had to stop the exercise - we bursted into laughter) was during practising weather avoidance headings in an early stage of the ATC school. trainee wanted to say "to circumnavigate adverse weather fly heading...", but he finally said "to circumnavigate adverse wedding....". then the coach replied quite quickly "who are you talking to, your mother-in-law?"

this was our best one...

cheers

In training on the Sim back in the 60s as a cadet someone who is now very senior, but a vgood controller and manager, was overheard to say "GABCD Have you just turned left on to a right hand heading?":) :) :)

some other good ones from our training:
during emergency training: one acft cruising at FL330, crossing traffic at FL310, and (murphy :-) the upper one had a engine failure. so the pilot reported "DLH123, engine failure, leaving FL330 for 220", then the atco-trainee screamed "negative!!! maintain FL330!!!"

or another one , a B747, wanting to climb to FL350 from FL310. trainee asked "SIN123, ready for higher?" "SIN123 affirm", atco: "roger, then..." then he realised he had opposite traffic at FL330 "maintain FL310!" must have been a bloody disappointment for the 747! but the funniest thing was then the reaction of the coach (can't be translated..."sowas nennt man pilotenverarschung!!!!!")

was the best time of my life the training in ATC.

cheers,

Emergency training: 737 with double engine failure.
Lady approach controller: "Descend to altitude 2000ft, QNH 1004"

and then...??:D

The scene:
Many moons ago in Germany, sat in Ground with the sky full of Harriers - Tower controller screening VERY attractive female U/T (yes I know it was the RAF but she was :D). SATCO (who liked to think himself a bit of a ladies man) walks in, makes a big play of sniffing the air and states "that smells nice, what have you got on?" IMMEDIATE response from Tower controller "well I've got a hard on - but I didn't know you could smell it! " Cue me on floor and SATCO departing very red-faced.

<Falling about laughing> :D

Heard at Brum,1970
A [very] broad Northern accent...
Birmingham Approach, I've just flown over your airfield, and I'm lost. Can you tell me where I am Please?:rolleyes:
At Manch...[Irish Airline]xxx you are No 2 in traffic
Roger, is that No 1 in front?:D
In the RAF, Lightnig pilot ZZZ22 Fire one fire two
Female trainee Roger 22, understand both missiles fired:rolleyes:
Sme Trainee..zzz343, you are entering my dark area
343, it's ok, we'll be careful
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Overheard on Arrivals Freq.

PILOT: Arrivals, ABC123, what is our position in the sequence ?
ATC: Aaah lets see, ABC123, I have you pencilled in at number 2, but I do have vacancies at numbers 5 & 7.

The Scene - same day, same team, not long recovered from 'hard on' call.

Dutch Mil Heli, callsign 'S69' calls for recovery.

Attractive U/t (still flushed): "sara...." "no.. seemer sick...." "no saver sex..." "oh this is no good I can't get my tongue around this callsign"

Suprised look on her face when she turns round to see everybody else in stitches - she did go a lovely shade on rosy pink though!!!

it's not funny for everyone (especially for pilots...but what do they do in this forum anyway? :D ) : our first IFR-Voice lesson: "the two most important rules for an atco: ONE: never apologise on frequency and TWO : never call a pilot "sir"! let THEM feel YOU superior......."

cheers,

During a day of just listening in during training, big delays had developed due to bad weather. A/c on departure, running late due to inbound holding, decided to please us with his cabin message over the RTF.
Pilot: ".............and we apologise for the late running of this service. Due to Air Traffic restrictions the a/c was late arriving at LHR."
Controller: "Lying bastard"
Pilot: (very quiet)"Sorry" :D

short&shapeless

Hey, was said suave SATCO (and now LTCC employee?) talking about a Red haired lady maried to puma jock??

B-L, this happened a little earlier. Different SATCO - the one in question is now settled in Shropshire.

As to the U/t, she married a mud-mover who got an exchange across the Pond on A10s. Unfortunately for us - he took her with him;) FYI the controller was the original 'Kent "wide" boy' still plying his trade in that controller's graveyard, D&D I believe.

I know the Red-head you mean, but we never really got on, they called it a personality clash - which I thought was strange cos I didn't think I had one:D

In the towe,r during my early OJT I had just issued an amendment to some a/c´s clearence. Then few seconds later it seemd better to clear him "straight ahead as well". Imagine my instructors surprise when I said something that sounded very much like: "xxx123 after depature continue straight to hell" :D

Heard on the R/T recently-

'....I'm descending to altitude 1500' to be at the correct quadrangular heading.'

Me- '...what's your destination?'
Him- '...nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while...'

Many years ago in a previous life (RAF approach room)-

'..terminating service as you descend below my height..'
Several heads swivel to look at the speaker, who was all of 4' 10''.

'...XXX123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er...the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ...' (CLUNK) '...OUCH'.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)

Arabian Prince learning to fly, to the other aircraft downwind-
'...GET OUT OF MY WAY!'

Stansted Radar's first day in TC, and the go-around alarm is warbling away.
Heathrow God '...what's that noise at the Stansted end?'
Another Heathrow God '...its the alarm to tell them their plane's arrived.'

:rolleyes: :cool: :rolleyes:

Let me guess, one of those "Heathrow Gods" was the one and only Heathrow Director??

"mature male" OJTI briefing extremely pretty and voluptuous student atco prior to going on watch:

"Now then S....... , how many of my colleagues have you been with since the last time I had you?". ;)

atc management humour

2.2 %

nearly fell off the radar laughing, then I found out it was true - oh those funny guys in suits !!!!


:D :D :D :D :D

S & S,

Would the 'Kent wide-boy' be the same one who did the VASI's / PAPI's / rabbits line?????

B T, if my memory of the Line Book serves me right - YES. Then again, he was the culprit in virtually every other entry so it is difficult to tell

A sad atco was heard to say ......
 

Once upon a large military exercise off the north of Scotland a US carrier F14 Tomcat pulls out of low level calling ScotMil Allocator ....

ac "Scottish this is $%66ee&&&gle]]!! zero 2, requesting radar climb"

ScMil "Testicle 02, squawk 6501 ident"

ac "JESUS H CHRIST, Scotland, the callsign is foxtrot, alpha, sierra, tango, echo, alpha, golf, lima, echo, F-A-S-T-E-A-G-L-E 02"

That took balls. Sad ATCO, I salute you !!

:D :D

Two that left me snickering;

The first was at RAAF Edinburgh in Ozzyland a decade or more ago at night with a P3 Orion conducting night circuit training. On downwind the pilot advised the controller "for information we will be conducting a "lights off approach", whilst lining up on finals, the controller promptly turned off all the approach and landing lights....a surprised (and probably subsequently ticked off P3 pilot) overshot and the rest was probably more entertaining at the bar afterwards!! If it wasn't obvious...he actually meant his own landing lights!

The other was more recently here in the middle east when the many round the world ballooning adventures were being conducted in the last year or two. When one of the balloons crossed into the airspace (quite successfully following the airway I might add!), a controller drew the attention of another controller to the event and particularly the balloons spritely groundspeed of 160 knots or more....to which the controller asked (quite seriously I might add!) "I wonder if he has got a head wind or a tail wind?"

:D :p :D

Many, Many moons ago..... In a tower, far far away....

Alameda Tower, guess who....

( night time )

Walk over to lighting panel.

Calling Alameda Tower, (as the lights go out) guess where...

<G>

Chopper
 

I must give credit for this one to a friend who now works at EGCC......



While (xxx) was working in the tower at EGPD, he was faced with the following scenario........

Shorts 360, with female pilot handling the radio on short final with other fixed wing traffic close behind. Helicopter holding on base leg.

Helicopter instructed "(callsign), you are number two following a shorts 360, short final. Keep the circuit tight due further traffic on 4 mile final"

Helicopter reply "roger, when the lady has got her shorts down, I'll quickly slip my chopper in behind".

.........ahem..........!:eek:

Poor Shorts 360's, they always seem to be the butt.
Our resident humourists favourites are :-
Nice plane but why are you towing a caravan
and
I'm sure it will fly better once you take it out of the box.



You just cant buy experience

Ah, the Shorts 360, like the Proteus engine on the Britannia - every bar should have one. The best ice making machines in the west!!
Cheers
mcdhu

Heard on a UK airways freq just after new year a number of years ago:

Aircraft: "Contact Brest on ***** thanks and a Happy New Year"

London: "It will be as soon as the mother in law goes back home"!

Or on STN ground once upon a time:

Ground controller to an aircraft on his first call upon vacating: "Are you familiar?"

Aircraft: "We can be!"

You can have endless fun with SH36's:
two of them in the circuit are a pair of shorts, and I once had occasion to advise a pilot who gave the wrong callsign that he had the wrong shorts on.

Excellent stories.

I was flying from Houston to Austin one day in a Lear 35. Houston Center kept trying to handoff NASA 972 (A T-38, most likely flown by an astronaut type) to the next sector.

"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."

-No response

"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."

-No response

"NASA 972, how do you read Houston Center?" (getting a bit upset)

-No response

This goes on for several minutes when finally, the T-38 responds to the controller's 'how do you read?'

ARTCC: "NASA 972, Houston center, FIFTH CALL, contact center now, ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE, that's ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE!,..OVER!" (quite a nasty tone)

PILOT: (muffled through the O2 mask) "Roger, twenty three forty five, sorry about that, I was on the landline."

I'm sure our passengers wondered why we were laughing like hyyenas. (SP?)

Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicage bound traffic due to storms over the entire midwestern portion of the US.

"United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy."

"Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?"

"United 462, are you ah, RNAV equiped?" (sounding hopeful)

"No ma,am, but we are radar vector equiped!"

It occurs to me this forum might present me with the opportunity to thank the gentlemen at London Center who assisted us a few summers ago. We were climbing out of Birmingham on our way to Keflavik when we shed a generator. Having no idea where to get a Learjet 55 worked on in the UK, we asked you. After a bit of checking around, Luton was suggested. They did a great job at Metro, the repair actually cost us less than some places here in the states. Thanks for the help ya'all!

DAN

A colleague heard the following recently on the way into Schiphol.

AMS Controller: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?

Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm

AMS: Could you make it 3000 fpm?

Continental XXX: No Sir.

AMS: Oh do you not have a speedbrake?

Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

the kent wide boy
 

when i saw that post about the tower at gutersloh i immediatley thought i bet that was him, and lo and behold it was. dont knock him though, he let me control one night. put me off controlling for ever! best one i ever heard in a tower was an arab student at cranwell who instead of saying simulated engine fire on board actually said simulated fire engine on board, well we thought it was funny!

tr365

If you get 2 SH36's in the circuit does it then become an allotment :)

canb

The Kent wide boys sense of humour is still the same - knew him at Gut too ;)

CM

If you want a real laugh - just call the lady controller at LBA Ma'am and see what happens :D :p