Heard on the RT the other day
 

AC "Approach, Ascot 1234 on handover from Brize maintaining 2400'"

APP "Ascot 1234, Approach identified 2400' RIS, traffic one o'clock 2 miles manoeuvring".

AC "Roger, Brize called that one earlier, it turned out to be a firework. (laughter in the background)"

APP "1234 Roger, well this particular firework's sqawking 7000"

Any more anecdotal stories to lighten-up the forum?

[ 21 November 2001: Message edited by: Whipping Boy's SATCO ]

Similar tale to the one above. Relayed to me by a colleague.

Radar: C/S traffic right two O'clock no height, manouvering.
A/C: Roger, that will be the windmill - we know about that. It's always called to us.
Radar: Not when it is squawking 7000!

ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic"
S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?"
or the comments of the [I think] AAL captain when his no4 engine fell off
"Well it kinda puts you off sex for a while"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

This one just 2 days ago:
Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final"
Me: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...."
Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting).
Aircraft lands and vacates, returns to the hanger without another word. Just as well 'cos I was on the floor. :D

Two FJ's had just settled into the cruise at FL310 and 2 calls his leader.

"Red 1 Red 2, am I trailing" ?.

short pause while leader has a look.

"Red 2 Red 1 negative"
"Red 1 Red 2 roger, then you're on fire"

"Barcelona, Barcelona, By-xxx, traficc aproaching at 10 0`clock. What kind of separation are you providing?"
Controller`s answer; "very short indeed, sir,
according to my salary, very short too"
It happened in 1.977.......

Not so long ago, in a North Sea Offshore Sector far far away at dusk,

Heli: "Radar **** just lifted from the **** 2000' for Aberdeen"

Radar: "**** roger no radar contact, Flight Information Service, No known traffic to affect you at alt 2000'"

Heli: "Roger, (in sarcastic voice) we are visual with the other (c/s) traffic passing down our right hand side descending!"

Radar: "**** that callsign descended in field 20 miles south of your departure point, I have no known traffic in your area, can you identify the traffic you have in sight?"

Heli: "Oh, my mistake, it must be a ship!"

:rolleyes: We try our best, but sometimes I wonder........ :rolleyes:

Here are a couple:

radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, -ve transponder.

radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where spit says he is, at spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.

Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lenghthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?


Same place, different day.
radar: G-xx report position
C150: G-xx is about 5 miles north of the A14.

(For those of you scratching your heads, the A14 runs E-W from Birmingham to Felixtowe)
:D

Many moons ago
Birmingham Approach, tis is Gxxxx. I've just overflown your airfield and I'm lost. Can you tell me where I am please?
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back...

A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance."

D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?"

A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..."

From a previous existance....

On trying to contact a female colleague to coordinate something she breathlessly said:I can't talk right now, I've got two non radio helicopters on my frequency

Amused, I hung up... :D

Rgds BEX

Callsign: ***49WY

A/c - "Ground, Four Nine Wankee Yiskey vacated, God thats a mouthful!"

GMC - "Four Nine Wiskey Yankee, thats what your wife said last night, route via......"

Much laughter and incomprehensible readback from 49WY. :p

From a distinctly foreign sounding student obviously struggling with English and the vaguaries of assymetric NDB training:

"XXX123T What are your intentions from this approach?"

"Er 123T, I want to break cloud and see the runway right in front of me"

At a regional airport a few years ago:

"Approach, XYZ request further climb"

"XYZ, Negative, maintain your level"

This a few more times, then:

"Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level."

"XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!"

"Roger"

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

Heard recently at a LARS unit...
'G-??, report you point of departure?'
Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?'

'G-$$, report your destination?'
Chirpy reply '..nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while..'
:D :D :D :D

Old boy accent: Heathrow Tower, Good Evening this is Speedbird Concorde Two fully established Runway 09 Left.

Tower: Speedbird Concorde Two, Good Evening, continue approach 09 Left.

Midland pilot: Hi Tower, it's Midland Airbus 6AX following the Conc.

Take your pick:
"Hammer 21 request your POB?"
"Uhhhhhhh....say again sir?"
"Hammer 21 how many people on board your aircraft?"
"Standby sir!"
Pause measured in 2 miles on PAR
"Sir this is a single seat aircraft sir!"
Hoots of laughter, you can almost imagine Spam looking over his shoulder shouting, "Harry? You back there Harry? Oh s**t I'm alone again. Damn forgot!"

OR,

"Maybe we should have a round runway, then we wouldn't have to change runways so often!" Female AATC to gathered Sqn.
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Things are always worse than they seem!

WWW you've stolen my story!!!! Either that or the F-**'s are really stupid :eek: :eek:

Anyway spill the beans, who's the girly AATC? :confused:

Suppose I ought to add one of my own. Puddle Jumper carrying out a visual recovery, Terribly Stressed Approach Controller

"What kind of visual recovery do you require"

Absolutely sure that the Controller wanted info on L/R base or St In Approach, however everyone else in App room fell about, Gits.

A female ATCO

"Hawk 364 have you left my frequency"

Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!"

:D

J, F**s have, on more than one occasion, been known to be slightly less mentally stimulated in the cockpit than you would expect. And you don't know the girly AATC she was down here!

Things are always worse than they seem!

A/c: Apc EZY123 with descending 6000

atc: EZY123 roger, number 3 40 track miles to run reduce speed 210 kts

A/c: eerrr... can we keep our speed up approach

atc: Affirm keep the speed up you're number 5 50 track miles....
:D :D :D

Another one of the late 70`s.
A clever mind named the entry points at Majorca TMA with spanish fish names, two of them were "lisa" and "rape". Some pilots ask questions like "are we cleared to rape?".
Some Controllers used to clear planes to Palma via rape and lisa (raping lisa).

Going to Shreveport LA. You get to go direct KRACK going to the OM. Of course if you are going to Dallas Love field, we can ask folks if they have given Hawker XXXX the finger yet <G> (finger3 arrival)...

regards

To USAF F-111
"Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency?"

To/from RAF Harrier trying to work out VFR conditions
"Bandit 3 what's your impression of the circuit?"
Bandit3 "Sorry I don't do impressions"

F111 in trouble squawking 7700
"Reno26 do you have a problem?"
"No problem sir, we're ejecting" :)

Controller is working his ring off.
US mil tanker chips in : "Ahh centre, Whist***** there's too much traffic up here at 350, we'd like to descend."
Unidentified:"Well stop refuelling them, that will reduce the traffic!"

When BA first started Shuttle flights with Tridents (HS21!) and B737.
Lon. Control: SHT7C, confirm aircraft type?
SHT Pilot: Stand-by.
Anonymous Pilot: SHT7C its easy, count the throttles, if you have 3 your a Trident, if its 2 your a B737.

me: Tower, G-EO downwind to land, 26

Twr: EO we're on 08 at the moment

me: Aaaah roger aaaah - then that'll be a right hand orbit followed by right base 08, G-EO

Twr: Thank you EO

doh!

An A/A 767 arriving into BHX told by a female controller: 'American 123 descend to FL 200 to be level abeam WHI.'
American: 'Mam is that when ready?'
Snapped reply: 'Negative, if I had meant when ready I would have said when ready!'
Short pause:' Shoot, wasn't I married to you once!'

LHR to 146:' Expedite vacating BA 123 at 2 miles.'
146: 'RODGER'
BA 123 'Does the 146 Captain know the meaning of expedite?'
146: ' Does the BA Captain know the meaning of Foxtrot Oscar!'
:D

[ 01 December 2001: Message edited by: Phillipa Hole ]

Heard from an uninspired tower controller somewhere south of Ascension, to an F3 wishing to depart north IFR (and to all those who have not had the joy of being here, north is toward some pretty high highground).
"Eagle 1, tower, right turn out on departure approved, caution, terrain responsibility is your separation!"
"Uhhhh, roger tower!"
Damn, change 6 strikes again!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D

Things are always worse than they seem!

Heard north of LAX a few months ago

ATC: "United xx if you can hear this transmission traffic no longer a factor"

Very Early one morning :

"Centre QFA 123 request"

"QFA 123 Centre, hum a few bars and I'll see if I know the tune"


:D

Clacton west sector frequency blocked (bad enough) by carrier wave ... suspected culprit military C130 crosser.
After 3 or 4 mins frequency clears:

Controller:"Ascot1224, London, you have been blocking this frequency. Do not transmit, and listen out on 132.49. I say again, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49"

Ascot1224:"Roger London, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49. Goodday...."..3 minutes of carrier wave. :confused:

An Imposter - don't believe a word he says, it's not me, 'cos he doesn't have the signature.....

Wanders off grumbling about the injustice of life!

:D :D :D :D

[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: Avoiding Action ]

This was heard in the TWR simulator in the ATC school in Spain:

Sorry tower, for this runway we request different wind...

As far as I know ATC can't go that far ;)

Hey Mark!! Oops (letting cat out of bag)That wasn't the flying Rat...that was Birdseed inbound Perth just past GEL...remember it well... :D

Heard today...
me :***** we have a problem, company traffic overtaking you, you can either climb or descend your choice.

pilot: Can I increase speed to stay ahead?(C130 being chased by a KC35 and 2xF16's)

me: Sure, if you can increse to about say...420kts g/s!

pilot: I've just got the engineer out bolting some more engines on the wing! I'll call you back shortly.

Gotta love a Herc pilot with a sense of humour.

Coming in to a secret military base to the N of LHR, the pilot of a 'VC5' minijet was asked by the controller, 'what type of approach do you require?' As quick as a flash, back came the Irishman, 'request PAR for controller training!'
Cheers
mcdhu

After talking down a U2, requested his departure details and was told "Requesting a right turn heading 370, climbing FL100!"

GA calling for LARS "I'm overhead Wales heading 320" Hhhhmmm.......

Heard over the gulf a few years ago

atc this is c/s - request fl 600

reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours!

Roger - descending fl 600

(Guess the aircraft type)

Remember reading this one years ago - no idea if it's true.

BAW 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach.

TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach.

BAW (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it.

Just after an incident, pilot requested controller´s initials.
Controller: copy,please, Echo-Lima-Golf-Uniform.....
And sent the complaint against EL GUERRERO
DEL ANTIFAZ (The warrior behind the mask)