Heard in a certain Scottish Airport today.....


Radar : AMM****, do you want to self position for the ILS or do you want radar vectors ?

Pilot : If you don`t mind we`ll turn ourselves on tonight.

....Followed of course by much amusement.... <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Going into BHX, positioning, radio quiet,
me: 'birmingham approach good evening, c/s, heading 090, FL90, type with lulu' (trying to be funny)
BHX: well its moo-moo now turn right, descend etc.
then later, 'for further amusement call director 128.97' or whatever.
pretty quick i thought

A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 sruggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel.

ATC. I see you have a problem Sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and thats Windsor Castle straight ahead.

Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?.

ATC. Yes.

Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane!

5 for the topic :
1) Glasgow Ground, late 70's : lady ATCO gets loud squeal in headset when 2 aircraft tx together & exclaims on frequency "ouch, that hurt !". Back came the response "it always does the first time dear !"
2) Liverpool Tower, late 80's : Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my shorts off first !"
3) Liverpool again : when asked on UHF if she could get wx for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCA responded "I've already got bristols !" [ for Ozmates, check cockney slang dictionary or enquire in pprune chat :-)) ]
4) Scotland, last year : Airbus finished circuit bashing; training captain requested departure clearance which he said would be taken by u/t FO. Read out clearance followed by stony silence - "did you copy ?" says I. "Think he got it" says Captain. "Could you tell him he has to press the button, I can't see him from here when he nods his head " says I , followed by much mirth on R/T &, I suspect, one red faced FO.
5) Cargolux 747 waiting departure, watching Navy Sea King previously cleared for touch-and-go carry out auto rotation and go-around at low level in spectacular fashion. "Is that what you call a touch and go?" says CLX. " Yes" says I , "but you must remember usually when they do that, the runway is moving up and down !"

LOL, Cartman :) :) :)

Late at night, very quiet on the frequency,

a/c: God I'm f***ing bored!

atc: Who said that?

a/c: I'm not that bored

Not wanting to take the wind from your sails, MAX, but I think the reply was:

" I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!"

One of my faves:

ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?"

Female Pilot: "I always take the full length"

Master Radar Station, late '60s
Lightning Pilot....[Loudly]
XXX22 Fire one AND two
Femail u/t F/C...[calmly] "Roger,22.understand both missiles fired" <img src="eek.gif" border="0">
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Remember the clippers?

"Clipper 131 your drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees"

(B727, muttering)"Unable to do such little turns boy!"

"Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!"

Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper-captain.

Heard this one from a guy at work a few months ago. Who knows if it's true but as he said, it's a good story.

In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a
rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated.


a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach. It's most inefficient.

ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode.

No answer to that I suspect.

[ 04 January 2002: Message edited by: Max Angle ]</p>

Not on R/T but on phone recently whilst booking out with ATC at a well known Midlands airport.

Myself having just passed our sortie details to her, female asked:

"Are you returning today and if so what time - it's just that I want to do a strip for you...."

Followed by her sudden hysterical laughter, then mine as I also got the double entendre.

I replied that it was the best offer I'd had all day and could she oblige at 1600 hrs. More giggling at both ends of the phone! I was still wiping my eyes as I left the building :)

Heard this very morning at a cold Scottish airport.....

Ground controller is telling all outbounds of a new weather report about a marked temperature inversion below 1000ft. 2 EasyJets and one BA A319 on frequency.

Easy's passed to tower and depart, then the airbus calls up tower asking.....

"Tower, it's Speedbird ... , does that temperature inversion apply to us or is it just for the Easyjets?" :)

If only I'd been quick enough to reply that we'd just had it put there for low cost operators!! :) :) :)

Sometime in the 1970's a Lufthansa 747 heading out for a N Atlantic crossing and working Scottish.

Scottish - "Lufthansa 430 traffic information is two Royal Air Force fighter aircraft operating in your two o'clock, range 16 miles, similar level"

Lufthansa - "Thankyou Scottish, could you make sure they do not get too close to me, thankyou."

Scottish - "Ehhhhhh, roger"

LH - It is just that I have ended up in the water once already in my life courtesy of the Royal Air Force and do not wish to repeat the exercise!"

From December's 'Classic Cars' in an article by Eoin Young on taking (Sir) Jack Brabham's Cessna 180 from Luton to Tasmania in the 1960's:

"My favourite memory...trying to raise the tower at Phuket.......then it was a grass field and the reason (the pilot) couldn't raise anyone was because nobody was there. (The pilot) thought perhaps he was mispronouncing the name and tried every variation over the radio until a very Australian voice boomed into our cockpit from nearby Butterworth airforce base in Burma. 'Whaddya want to do with it, mate? Pook-it? !!!!-it? Or F**k it?'"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: DOC.400 ]</p>

My first ever call to Lydd ATC. Lady instructor beside me says "Well make your radio call now". Me with wailing voice:- "Oh Emma, I can't do it!". She with look of fury indicates my thumb on transmit button. Two blokes in tower standing up to see who = couldn't do it.

3 classics, which are way more than 3rd hand:

My favourite:

Centre: American XXX, descend flight level 150, reduce speed 250 knots and be level in 20 miles.

American XXX: Descend flight level 150 and speed 250. I reckon we're not going to be able to make it in 20 miles.

Centre: You got speedbrakes on that thing, right?

American: We sure do, but they're for my mistakes, not yours. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

--------------------------------------------------

LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

LATCC: Affirm, USAir, decend to altitude 48000 inches.

--------------------------------------------------

And good ol' Berlin days:

BeaLine XXX: I say Berlin, do you have any turbulence reports lower down? It's so bumpy here that I've just stabbed myself in the nose with my dinner fork.

Berlin: Certainly. Clipper XXX, are you haffing any turbulence at flight level 80?

Clipper XXX: Well Berlin, I don't know. We haven't started eating yet.

.......Damn, why can't I come up with them that quickly?


And.......

Recover

From the distant past ( what my boss calls "tumbleweed stories" !

1) At Preston Radar 1974 - working a TWA B707 which has just departed Manchester westbound . Phone call received from London Centre to say that aircraft going eastbound has just passed over the TWA and noticed that he still has his tail illuminated. I passed the comment to the TWA & got the reply "that sure is some radar you got down there !"

2) The only time I've got the better of an Irish crew ;-)
Liverpool, early 80's - B737 downwind on radar vectors having said he's expecting to go visual - Skipper says "the youngster in the right hand seat says he's got the field in sight , but I can't see it yet"
ATC - "roger, then he's recleared a visual approach and you can continue downwind"
Stunned silence for all of 5 seconds !

3)Same place again - US Army aircraft arrives at holding point. Me - "there'll be a short delay ; waiting release from the Centre "
Captain - " don't sweat it boy , I'm still finishing my lunch !"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]</p>

Actual transmission a year ago:A 737 lands rwy 34 and before vacating atc says: "On the ground 16:41.For your information you have a ctot for departure at 16:49". The pilot goes without losing a second: "Roger that,may we line up rwy 16?" ATC(puzzled):Say again?

Very, very humorous SNCO controller in Germany during late Eighties.

"Ascot **** are you aware of missed approach procedures?"

Aircraft skipper, trying to sound smart, then reels off a whole long list of everything about the airfield that he is aware of, high ground, pylons, etc.

"Roger all that, are you also aware of traffic now in your 12 o'clock at 5 miles, if not turn hard right now !!!"

Same controller returning from airfield inspection reports a number of rabbits in the vicinity of the VASI's. Smart young boy advises long in tooth colleague that they are now called PAPI's. "No boy, they are still called rabbits in my book".

[ 07 January 2002: Message edited by: Big Tudor ]</p>

Manchester, a winters night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:-

"speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor."

There was a silence, before Speedbird replied:

"Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flack!"


And one of my own, also at Manch in early '80s. I'm taxying a 172 from the southside to the north side freight apron (when it was near the domestic pier) for refuelling prior to going parachute dropping at Burscough. After crossing the main behind a landing 757, I was cleared to the freight apron. As I neared the main taxyway which I was to cross, another 757 was powering along it on his way to the 24 hold and didn't look like he was going to stop. So I transmitted:

"Tower, confirm Tango Sierra is cleared all the way to the freight apron?"

Back came the reply:

"Tango Sierra affirm. Break. Shuttle 2 Hotel give way to the Cessna right to left in front."

The big Boeing dipped its nose as it eased to a halt a little to my left. And the captian, looking down from his lofty lair, transmitted:

"My pleasure. Sail before steam!"

SSD

How about this then;

09R for departure, a BA 767 crossing a the far end. A 777 has been given a line up and wait, and is just crossing the Cat I bar. I turn around to co-ordinate with ground, and then look at my strips to check on slots, SIDs etc, to decide on my order. I look up to see the 777 on the roll passing 40-50 kts. Quickly check the BA 767 has vacated, which he has. I go in to clear the 777 for take off, and just as he is rotating he replies: "Roger, we are rolling".

Doh! <img src="eek.gif" border="0">

Gonzo.

WOOPS!

Back in the early 70’s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400)
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 "…..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 "…………….Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er…. Oh !!!!! self destruct"

Deathly silence.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> Heard it only this morning, working a BE58 going from there to here, (names not published to protect the innocent), every time the pilot transmitted there was a background howl.. ."Gxxxx, you appear to have some feedback on your transmissions". ."Approach Gxx, that's not feedback, it's the dog telling me he wants to go out.., things are getting a bit ripe in here.."

One from a few days ago :. .. ."Aircraft squawking radio fail on 128.*** do you have any further problems and would you like to divert to Newcastle or Teeside?". .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 04 March 2002, 21:25: Message edited by: niteflite01 ]</small>

Heard at BHD recently:-. .. .Ba46 asks for push and start.. .Tower "***975 do you have a tug?". .Pilot "In what sense, a noun or a verb!?". .. .Cue much laughter in the VCR and app room, not to mention cackles from the other smartie tube drivers.. .. .Sleeping's permitted, dribbling isn't!

Another 3rd+ hand oldie from Cranfield, I believe:-. .. .G-xx downwind.. .. .G-xx report final No. 2 follow the xxx ahead. . .. .G-yy (female instr.) to G-xx you can come inside me if you like.. .. .Obviously followd by much hilarity and no shortage of volunteers!. . . . <small>[ 07 March 2002, 21:13: Message edited by: Guy D'ageradar ]</small>

Thanks for the chuckles chaps - surprised I've not seen this one - probably an urban myth badly recollected.. .. .EDDK ATC "Speedbird xxx Vacate Right and hold block xx, GND on 121.80". .BAWxx "Right and hold block xx". .Ground "Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .BAWxx ""Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .Short Pause - Speedbird has not moved. .Ground "Speedbird xxx, is there a problem sir.". .BAWxx "No problem sir, just checking our ground charts". .Ground (rather indignantly) "Have you never been here before!". .BAWxx "Once sir, 1940's, didn't stop though". .. .Dan

VATSIM-UK1:- I think Pontius got in with that one !. .. .Legendary story from Downunder:. .. .Sydney Approach to Speedbird ***. .. ."Speedbird *** contact the tower on 123.45"". .. .Next call from the Speedbird:. .. ."Sydney Tower this is Speedbird *** nine miles finals and visual with the island.". .. .Quick as a flash:. .. ."Roger Speedbird ***, once round the island and you're cleared to land!"

From last summer at EGPF. .. ."Ground Midland*** runway vacated". .. .GMC: " Midland*** taxy stand 25 caution there is a hole in the taxiway abeam stand 23". .. ."Midland*** taxi stand 25, roger the hole". .. .Female BRT pilot :"Anytime you like big boy"

Heard yeterday afternoon:. .. ."GDA123, report passing 6000ft". .. ."Passing 6000ft in about 5 seconds, GDA123". .. ."Roger, report passing 6000ft". .. .Considering there was a perfectly good mode C readout, how pedantic is that?

Chicago ATC:-. .. ."American 437 ,Eany Meany Miny Mo, . .How'd you read my radio?"

Heard this afternoon at NAP:. .. ."Lufthansa XXX, Napoli Tower I have some bad news and some good news.". .. ."Napoli Tower, Lufthansa XXX go ahead.". .. ."Lufthansa XXX there has been a strike by the ground handlers at the airport, but it is over now. The bad news is there is no parking available and you have to land somewhere else."

Two for the collection:. .. .Approach to Tower..."has the non-radio A/c called you yet" !!. .. .Tower..."Harvard formation, what is your aircraft type?". .. .enjoy . . JSP

Male controller to female counterpart .... .. ."Can I turn hard right inside your Shorts?". .. ."Drinks and dinner and I'll think about it.". .. .AA

Heard this one a few weeks ago when the winds where up to o lets say 30 kts with gusts going over fourty. full cross!!! . .. .during short periods the winds would ease up a bit. the place..? London City. .. .a 328 sits at the departure end awaiting release and a regional 146 is on final app to RWY28.Its getting a bit close so the controler calls for a goaround for the 146. twice...three times..a fourth time...no awnser.... .. .the 146 go's around(250' above the 328) and the tower calls the 146 again trying to establish communications.... .. .calmly the 146 reply's....."tower go ahead". .tower explains he was calling for a 'go-around' several times and asking why he did not reply?. .. .awnser:.."don't understand 'go-around'???.."

A similar situation: Twin Cessna gets landing-gear trouble after landing and is unable to steer off the runway, little C152 on short final behind is told to "go around" but does not answer. Controller gets nearly mad and is almost shouting "go around there is a twin Cessna on the runway. No Reply. Pilot lands on the numbers, taxies around the stranded twin and off the runway.. .He went around it!!!. .Controller stuck by heart attack, probably.

Never ceases to amaze!. .. .Emrats xxx inbound DXB on STAR."uh...dubai arrivals..what's our distance from touchdown?". .Dubai arrivals "What's the FMS say?". .Emrats xxx "45 miles". .Dubai arrivals "sounds about right to me!!"

Watching the inbounds being sequenced by a neighbouring country (always interesting) prior to acceptence, when the first aircraft in the string SGC**** does a dirty right turn at FL350 near TOD. Ring the controller to see what the problem is:. . "He don't pay attention to me, so I punish him. Give him orbit." (orbit at FL350 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> ). .Finally receive SGC**** (now at the tail of sequence and 14 minute delayed). "Hope you enjoyed your experience of ****** Control" "He very nasty to me- don't know why".. .. .If it wasn't so funny it would be serious.

Here are a few from an e-mail that has been doing the rounds. Apologies if you have seen them before.. .. .The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B727 on. .downwind to make a three-sixty.. .. .The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two. .thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?. .. .Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four. .thousand dollars worth!". .. .A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his. .approach speed just a little too high.. .. .San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.. .If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a. .right at the light to return to the airport.. .. .Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on. .124.7.". .. .Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the. .way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far. .end of the runway.". .. .Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure. .on124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?". .. .Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and. .yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our. .caterers." . .. .I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in. .Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the. .junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't. .recall the call signs any longer). .. .Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?". .. .Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English.". .. .Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in. .Germany. Why must I speak English?". .. .Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you. .lost the bloody war!"