Heard in a certain Scottish Airport today.....


Radar : AMM****, do you want to self position for the ILS or do you want radar vectors ?

Pilot : If you don`t mind we`ll turn ourselves on tonight.

....Followed of course by much amusement.... <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Going into BHX, positioning, radio quiet,
me: 'birmingham approach good evening, c/s, heading 090, FL90, type with lulu' (trying to be funny)
BHX: well its moo-moo now turn right, descend etc.
then later, 'for further amusement call director 128.97' or whatever.
pretty quick i thought

A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 sruggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel.

ATC. I see you have a problem Sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and thats Windsor Castle straight ahead.

Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?.

ATC. Yes.

Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane!

5 for the topic :
1) Glasgow Ground, late 70's : lady ATCO gets loud squeal in headset when 2 aircraft tx together & exclaims on frequency "ouch, that hurt !". Back came the response "it always does the first time dear !"
2) Liverpool Tower, late 80's : Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my shorts off first !"
3) Liverpool again : when asked on UHF if she could get wx for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCA responded "I've already got bristols !" [ for Ozmates, check cockney slang dictionary or enquire in pprune chat :-)) ]
4) Scotland, last year : Airbus finished circuit bashing; training captain requested departure clearance which he said would be taken by u/t FO. Read out clearance followed by stony silence - "did you copy ?" says I. "Think he got it" says Captain. "Could you tell him he has to press the button, I can't see him from here when he nods his head " says I , followed by much mirth on R/T &, I suspect, one red faced FO.
5) Cargolux 747 waiting departure, watching Navy Sea King previously cleared for touch-and-go carry out auto rotation and go-around at low level in spectacular fashion. "Is that what you call a touch and go?" says CLX. " Yes" says I , "but you must remember usually when they do that, the runway is moving up and down !"

LOL, Cartman :) :) :)

Late at night, very quiet on the frequency,

a/c: God I'm f***ing bored!

atc: Who said that?

a/c: I'm not that bored

Not wanting to take the wind from your sails, MAX, but I think the reply was:

" I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!"

One of my faves:

ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?"

Female Pilot: "I always take the full length"

Master Radar Station, late '60s
Lightning Pilot....[Loudly]
XXX22 Fire one AND two
Femail u/t F/C...[calmly] "Roger,22.understand both missiles fired" <img src="eek.gif" border="0">
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Remember the clippers?

"Clipper 131 your drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees"

(B727, muttering)"Unable to do such little turns boy!"

"Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!"

Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper-captain.

Heard this one from a guy at work a few months ago. Who knows if it's true but as he said, it's a good story.

In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a
rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated.


a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach. It's most inefficient.

ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode.

No answer to that I suspect.

[ 04 January 2002: Message edited by: Max Angle ]</p>

Not on R/T but on phone recently whilst booking out with ATC at a well known Midlands airport.

Myself having just passed our sortie details to her, female asked:

"Are you returning today and if so what time - it's just that I want to do a strip for you...."

Followed by her sudden hysterical laughter, then mine as I also got the double entendre.

I replied that it was the best offer I'd had all day and could she oblige at 1600 hrs. More giggling at both ends of the phone! I was still wiping my eyes as I left the building :)

Heard this very morning at a cold Scottish airport.....

Ground controller is telling all outbounds of a new weather report about a marked temperature inversion below 1000ft. 2 EasyJets and one BA A319 on frequency.

Easy's passed to tower and depart, then the airbus calls up tower asking.....

"Tower, it's Speedbird ... , does that temperature inversion apply to us or is it just for the Easyjets?" :)

If only I'd been quick enough to reply that we'd just had it put there for low cost operators!! :) :) :)

Sometime in the 1970's a Lufthansa 747 heading out for a N Atlantic crossing and working Scottish.

Scottish - "Lufthansa 430 traffic information is two Royal Air Force fighter aircraft operating in your two o'clock, range 16 miles, similar level"

Lufthansa - "Thankyou Scottish, could you make sure they do not get too close to me, thankyou."

Scottish - "Ehhhhhh, roger"

LH - It is just that I have ended up in the water once already in my life courtesy of the Royal Air Force and do not wish to repeat the exercise!"

From December's 'Classic Cars' in an article by Eoin Young on taking (Sir) Jack Brabham's Cessna 180 from Luton to Tasmania in the 1960's:

"My favourite memory...trying to raise the tower at Phuket.......then it was a grass field and the reason (the pilot) couldn't raise anyone was because nobody was there. (The pilot) thought perhaps he was mispronouncing the name and tried every variation over the radio until a very Australian voice boomed into our cockpit from nearby Butterworth airforce base in Burma. 'Whaddya want to do with it, mate? Pook-it? !!!!-it? Or F**k it?'"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: DOC.400 ]</p>

My first ever call to Lydd ATC. Lady instructor beside me says "Well make your radio call now". Me with wailing voice:- "Oh Emma, I can't do it!". She with look of fury indicates my thumb on transmit button. Two blokes in tower standing up to see who = couldn't do it.

3 classics, which are way more than 3rd hand:

My favourite:

Centre: American XXX, descend flight level 150, reduce speed 250 knots and be level in 20 miles.

American XXX: Descend flight level 150 and speed 250. I reckon we're not going to be able to make it in 20 miles.

Centre: You got speedbrakes on that thing, right?

American: We sure do, but they're for my mistakes, not yours. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

--------------------------------------------------

LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

LATCC: Affirm, USAir, decend to altitude 48000 inches.

--------------------------------------------------

And good ol' Berlin days:

BeaLine XXX: I say Berlin, do you have any turbulence reports lower down? It's so bumpy here that I've just stabbed myself in the nose with my dinner fork.

Berlin: Certainly. Clipper XXX, are you haffing any turbulence at flight level 80?

Clipper XXX: Well Berlin, I don't know. We haven't started eating yet.

.......Damn, why can't I come up with them that quickly?


And.......

Recover

From the distant past ( what my boss calls "tumbleweed stories" !

1) At Preston Radar 1974 - working a TWA B707 which has just departed Manchester westbound . Phone call received from London Centre to say that aircraft going eastbound has just passed over the TWA and noticed that he still has his tail illuminated. I passed the comment to the TWA & got the reply "that sure is some radar you got down there !"

2) The only time I've got the better of an Irish crew ;-)
Liverpool, early 80's - B737 downwind on radar vectors having said he's expecting to go visual - Skipper says "the youngster in the right hand seat says he's got the field in sight , but I can't see it yet"
ATC - "roger, then he's recleared a visual approach and you can continue downwind"
Stunned silence for all of 5 seconds !

3)Same place again - US Army aircraft arrives at holding point. Me - "there'll be a short delay ; waiting release from the Centre "
Captain - " don't sweat it boy , I'm still finishing my lunch !"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]</p>

Actual transmission a year ago:A 737 lands rwy 34 and before vacating atc says: "On the ground 16:41.For your information you have a ctot for departure at 16:49". The pilot goes without losing a second: "Roger that,may we line up rwy 16?" ATC(puzzled):Say again?

Very, very humorous SNCO controller in Germany during late Eighties.

"Ascot **** are you aware of missed approach procedures?"

Aircraft skipper, trying to sound smart, then reels off a whole long list of everything about the airfield that he is aware of, high ground, pylons, etc.

"Roger all that, are you also aware of traffic now in your 12 o'clock at 5 miles, if not turn hard right now !!!"

Same controller returning from airfield inspection reports a number of rabbits in the vicinity of the VASI's. Smart young boy advises long in tooth colleague that they are now called PAPI's. "No boy, they are still called rabbits in my book".

[ 07 January 2002: Message edited by: Big Tudor ]</p>

Manchester, a winters night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:-

"speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor."

There was a silence, before Speedbird replied:

"Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flack!"


And one of my own, also at Manch in early '80s. I'm taxying a 172 from the southside to the north side freight apron (when it was near the domestic pier) for refuelling prior to going parachute dropping at Burscough. After crossing the main behind a landing 757, I was cleared to the freight apron. As I neared the main taxyway which I was to cross, another 757 was powering along it on his way to the 24 hold and didn't look like he was going to stop. So I transmitted:

"Tower, confirm Tango Sierra is cleared all the way to the freight apron?"

Back came the reply:

"Tango Sierra affirm. Break. Shuttle 2 Hotel give way to the Cessna right to left in front."

The big Boeing dipped its nose as it eased to a halt a little to my left. And the captian, looking down from his lofty lair, transmitted:

"My pleasure. Sail before steam!"

SSD