I don't know how many of you out there have endured the same problem, a few years ago I shared a B707 cargo cockpit with a highly experienced captain whose habitual fruity language was definitely not transmissible. My job, then, was to quickly and accurately translate his sentiments into something which was prior to pressing the PTT button...
I must stress all the ATC units concerned were well South East of Dover!

e.g.

ATC: 'XYZ 123 reduce speed 180 '
Me: 'Speed 180 kts XYZ 123'
A little later......
ATC: 'XYZ 123 reduce speed 160 kts.'
Captain via intercom: " Tell that c**t if we go any slower we'll fall out the f*****g sky..."
Me: (after short pause) 'Um, Unable reduce further XYZ 123'

And.....
ATC: 'XYZ 123 turn left heading 270 degrees'
Captain (via intercom) " Tell that f*****g w@*ker he's just turning us straight into a bloody great CB"
Me: (after short pause) ' Er, Request maintain present heading to avoid buildup XYZ 123'

ATC: 'XYZ 123 climb FL 370 be level in 5 minutes'
Captain: (via intercom) ' Tell that pillock I'm not flying a f*****g Learjet'
Me: 'Erm, unable, Request maintain FL330 XYZ 123'

They never trained me for that in Flight School! :}

Level 400

... was he a Scot? :E

Trainee's 3rd unsuccessful attempt to make a single engine Squawk Ident using proper phraseology.
OJTI takes the mic and says:
"Can you press the ident button on your transponder please?"

Immediate SPI :)

- ABC123 descend FL355, traffic at 3 o'clock, niner miles, climbing through your level.
- Descending FL355 ABC123

...

- ABC123 climb FL360, sorry for that!
- Climbing FL360, no problem sir, always appreciating the separation :)

ML TWR-Virgin 321 report runway in sight.

Virgin 321-Have the runway in sight.

Qantas 01-ML TWR we just saw some foxes cross Taxiway Echo and rwy 27.

ML TWR-Copy Qantas 01, Virgin 321 cleared to land runway 27 caution foxes reported near Intersection between taxiway echo and rwy 27

Virgin 321-Cleared to land runway 27, has someone called animal control?

Foxy ladies!! :E

A late evening exchange between my counterpart, Aberdeen tower, and a KLM Fokker.

ABZ TWR: "Heli 12A You're number two to a Fokker final for runway 34"
Hel12A: "Is he a big Fokker or a little Fokker?"
ABZ TWR: "How long have you wanted to say that? A Fokker 100. If that helps"
KLM: "Well we could be a big one far away, or a small one close up..."

:}

Coming into ABZ goes from CAVOK to 200m in the space of 2 mins as usual not on the TAF'

The youngish sounding Radar controller reads the METAR out and tells us to take up the hold and asks us what our intentions are.

I ask if they they think its a temp drop or thats it for the day.

The reply went along the lines of "We cannot give unoffical wx forcasts and my instructor is scowling at me wagging his finger. But there is an auld sandle wearing controller sitting in the radar room with his thumb down if that helps"

"request divert Edinburgh direct through Class G"

Was just going to tower when all the jets started turning up who had hung about waiting for the met office to update the TAF to extreme ****e for the rest of the afternoon.

Didn't seem to limit the lads career though as I heard him many times since.

At JFK, aircraft XXX was approaching the end of a long queue at the holding point;

XXX - Ground, do you have any further instructions for us?

There was a short pause.

Grd - Yes, maintain radio silence until we call you back.

I swear that I could literally see all the aircraft on Ground frequency bouncing up and down from the laughter at the front ends...

What is Portsmouth?
 

While trundling westwards today, monitoring Solent Approach, I heard this bit of navigational confusion:


ATC: “… Report abeam Portsmouth.”
AC: “ Report abeam Portsmouth.”
.
.
AC: “Say again reporting point?”
ATC: “Portsmouth”
AC: “Say again?”
ATC:” P O R T S M O U T H”
AC: “Roger”


AC: “Er, is that a VRP?”
ATC: “No, it’s a large naval town on the South Coast”.
AC:”… Er, Oh, it’s under my left wing…”

We all get days like that!

In the VFR mode we all have funnies.

EIXX" report abeam ATHY "

EIXXX "Say Again"

EIXX "Report abeam ATHY"

EIXXX"Say Again"

EIXX "Muffled, then "Report ABREAST of ATHY"

EIXXX "Roger, Report abreast of Athy"

EIXX "AAAAH"

It happens to me once that they were saying my call sign wrong as joke.

Fys = American Flyers (gestair academy)

FYS116;Holding short rwy 10, ready for Departure and request backtrack
ATC; American ****ers 116, line up and wait rwy 10, backtrack approved

'We'd like to make a full stop landing or a touch & go'

'Does that depend on how good the landing is?'

'No, depends on how bad it is'

Vulcanised thanks for that, reminded me of some of my own attempts.
Alledgedly (sp?) a controller at Amsterdam once told the late Prince Bernhard, "Landing time 38.... 39.... 40 and 41" Complaints were made and a no coffee, no biscuits one-sided discussion followed. (Had a few of them in the past.)

Scottish: Callsign, direct OKTEM REXAM

Me: Direct OKTEM RECTUM

Upon realising my slip of the toungue, both pilots were incapacitated with laughter. ATCO didn't transmit for a long while after either.

on a flight from the south of Spain to Sweden or Finland and back we got a slot on our return leg

me (about 2 minutes before the CTOT): ***** ready for departure.
controller: ***** hold position, if I release you know someone in Brussels* is going to kill me slowly.

*: Eurocontrols flow management based in Brussels

Two DHL aircraft on approach one behind the other. One makes it to vacate at the midpoint, the second doesnt and takes the next one. On vacating ATC instruct him to "Eurotrans 123, follow the company 7-5 left to right, parking stand 104 by juliet"

Pilot responds "roger, 104 following the banana"


Neither me nor the ground controller could talk straight for a good minute or so we were laughing so hard.

Or there's the one heard from Humberside

IA123 - "Indian Air 123, crossing humber bridge"
Cntlr - "That'll be £2.50 then please..."

American pilot
 

While working as a coordinating controller with not too much to do an American Pilot calls in:

A/C: 'Hello Maastricht, this is N1234 calling in *stumbling/crackling noise*
ATC: 'Hello N1234, could you confirm your flight level'
No reply
ATC: 'Hello N1234, could you confirn your flight level'
No reply
ATC: 'Hello N1234, radiocheck and could you confirn your flight level'
*stumbling noise*
A/C: 'Hello again Maastricht, N1234 read you 5 out of 5 and finally found my microphone again, it's hard to reach out under the chair. Maintaining level 370 inbound SPI by the way'

I'm surprised this one hasn't been posted before.

ATC: Light Type 1, report your conditions.
Light Type 1: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Light Type 2, report your conditions.
Light Type 2: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Speedbird 123, report your conditions.
Speedbird 123: IMC, between two liars.

Angolan ATC ( No Radar )
 

ATC: " UN 2 0 4 Say Deestanse
AC: " Deeeeestanse UN204 " ( much giggling heard all over Angola )

ATC: " Un 204 Say Rrraaydial "
AC: " Rraaydial....UN204 "

ATC: ( rather faster now ) " UN204 Say flight level "
AC: Flight level Un204

ATC: "UN204 Say flight plan canceled "
AC" um um um 85 miles,182 radial FL220

ATC: UN 204 please join with me in tower upon arrival...bring presents !:D

EXCELLENT.......:}