View Full Version : Joke.......
Bloke walks in to the corner shop and asks for a packet of helicopter crisps.
Shop keeper says "Sorry, we only have plain..........."
:D :D :D
Dont get out much BRL, do we??
:D :D
Maxflyer
9th Oct 2005, 17:08
Bloke walks into a bar
Hurt his head :O
Flash0710
9th Oct 2005, 19:06
Horse walks into a bar
Bar Keep enquires....
"Why the long face........?"
F.
Monocock
9th Oct 2005, 19:16
A dyslexic walks into a bra....:E
ShyTorque
9th Oct 2005, 19:23
"A dyslexic walks into a bra...."
Oh, dog forbid!
Sir George Cayley
9th Oct 2005, 19:32
...well, you'd have thought one would have seen it:=
I know Coat Door close it
Sir George Cayley
hingey
9th Oct 2005, 20:08
A proton walks into a bar and says
"Give me fifteen pints of your strongest beer!"
"Are you sure?" the barman asks.
"Yes im positive!"
Coat, door, one way flight to Perth
Monocock
9th Oct 2005, 20:14
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre".
So the bartender gave her one:E
Papa Charlie
9th Oct 2005, 20:48
What did the bra say to the top hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Boom boom! ;)
capt.sparrow
9th Oct 2005, 21:16
Whats the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
Well, one mucks about in a fountain.............
Similarly, whats the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magicians wand?
One used for cunning stunts..........................
nick14
9th Oct 2005, 21:46
Bloke walks into a bar and pulls out of his pocket a 12inch man and a piano,
The bloke orders a drink while the little guy plays away some nice music on his piano.
Barman returns and asks why the bloke has a little guy and a piano with him,
The bloke replies" well walking down the street yesterday i saw a lamp on the side of the road so i gave it a little rub. Out popped a guinie and said i cud have one wish. I sais i wish.....
Just as i did a lorry drove by and iv got stuck with a 12 inch pianist"
:{
Ha long one but made me chuckle.
Nick:ok:
Very good!
Anyone know any flying/aviation related ones please or I might have to send it to the JetBlast mob :uhoh:
Thoroughly Nice Bloke...
10th Oct 2005, 08:57
Not Jokes but some are very good especially the 60,000’ one…!
Aviation Truisms
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
[Related to this one, I heard a story one time of a controller in the LA area that received a request for FL600 (60,000 feet). The controller responded the aircraft was welcome to that altitude if it could get that high, to which the pilot of the SR71 responded he would be descending to FL600!]
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up… the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH ****!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
TNB
chrisN
10th Oct 2005, 11:03
An old one: Rotarian is asked to give a talk on sexual variations to his colleagues, but tells his wife he will be talking about gliding.
Next day she meets another rotarian who says "Your husband's talk was fantastic - I had no idea he had so many experiences in such a variety of positions".
She says " That's funny; as far as I know, he only tried it twice. The first time his hat blew off, and the second time made him sick!"
HiFranc
17th Feb 2006, 23:59
Thoroughly Nice, may I copy jokes to another forum?
Scion
18th Feb 2006, 05:00
Bloke lands at Darwin and gets out with his pet 3 meter salt water croc on a dog lead. Goes accross to the aero club bar and sits down. The croc slithers up and rests his jaw on the bar.
"Do you serve Poms here" he asks
"Yes," says the barman"We serve anybody"
"Well I'll have a beer, and a Pom for the crocodile"
Chequeredflag
18th Feb 2006, 08:44
A bloke goes into a bar with his dog on a lead. The barman asks "What kind of dog is that?"
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" came the reply.
"Never heard of it" says the barman, "I've got a Doberman that would kill it it seconds"
"Twenty qiud say it couldn't" came the reply
"Your'e on" says the barman.
They take to two dogs into the back yard and let them loose. Within 30 seconds the Doberman is left dead in a pool of blood.
"Tell me again what your dog is" says the distarught barman as he hands over his £20.
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" replied the owner, "though some people call them crocodiles!!"
bletchleytugie
18th Feb 2006, 08:50
If it appeared earlier I apologise
Bloke walks into a bar and produces a reptile from his pocked and places it on the bar and says to the barman "I'll have a pint please and a Gin and Tonic for Tiny"
"Why do call it Tiny" asks the barman
"Becasue he's my newt" says the man
Oh come on folks its Saturday- it s thick fog:confused:sad:
HiFranc
18th Feb 2006, 10:04
Here's one that's been floating around the net for a while:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Cricket23
18th Feb 2006, 17:37
A man walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says - "This is the pig that I sleep with when you're not available".
"That's not a pig." says his wife.
......."I wasn't talking to you." says the man.:ouch:
Does anyone have that list of tech-log reports that was doing the rounds some years ago, the one that says something like
"Fault: Autoland doesn't work",
Reply by Engineer:Autoland not fitted to this plane......"
Anyone got it????
italianjon
18th Feb 2006, 17:57
I believe the following originated from ground crew notes at an RAF base;
the original came from a newsgroup posting some moons past,
but they are still very comical....
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.
Juliet Papa
19th Feb 2006, 15:19
Went to a zoo the other day.
All I saw was a dog.
It was a ****zu.
:hmm:
charliegolf
19th Feb 2006, 16:03
Difference between an Aussie and a yoghurt?
Left alone long enough, the yoghurt will develop its own culture!
IT'S A JOKE!
CG