You Know You've Been Flying in Africa Too Long When.......
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Location: Kinshasa DRC
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You Know You've Been Flying in Africa Too Long When.......
- You can name the National Beer in most African Countries
- You know that 'Clear for immediate take-off - Trafic on final' means they are just crossing the piano keys
- A couple of Tuskers or Primus are perfectly acceptable equivalents to sex
- 6am preflight is - Two wings, Two engines and a Tail
- You know Pilot Activated Lighting is accomplished before entering the aircraft
- GPS approaches are not just prefered but required for international airports
- 'Big Malibu' has become the bar 'Where everybody knows your name'
- You actually understand what everyone is saying - no matter what the country
- 'I have a headache' - is listed in the MEL as 'Not required for flight'
- A WAC chart is best used inside CB's to cover the windscreen
- The Ohh's and Ahh's from the passengers are you best form of weather radar
- MTOW is not applicable for most flights
- 'Can we take it' means 'Will the door still close'
- Take Off Distance Required is only relevent if there are trees at the end of the Runway
- 'The weather is ok' almost always means inside where I am standing
- You consider engine out landings as recent experience for the VAN
- When you hear 'They're fighting again' you immediately respond YES AND....
- Your boss has propossed most entries in Jane's Aircraft Guide as suitable to be operated in Africa
- You stopped calling home long ago since they only ask when your comming to visit
- You can find the Red Light District whilst drunk and disorderly in any city
- A new pilot says he has heard of a great place to go 'The Florida 2000' - and you just smile and say sounds good!
Any others????????
- You know that 'Clear for immediate take-off - Trafic on final' means they are just crossing the piano keys
- A couple of Tuskers or Primus are perfectly acceptable equivalents to sex
- 6am preflight is - Two wings, Two engines and a Tail
- You know Pilot Activated Lighting is accomplished before entering the aircraft
- GPS approaches are not just prefered but required for international airports
- 'Big Malibu' has become the bar 'Where everybody knows your name'
- You actually understand what everyone is saying - no matter what the country
- 'I have a headache' - is listed in the MEL as 'Not required for flight'
- A WAC chart is best used inside CB's to cover the windscreen
- The Ohh's and Ahh's from the passengers are you best form of weather radar
- MTOW is not applicable for most flights
- 'Can we take it' means 'Will the door still close'
- Take Off Distance Required is only relevent if there are trees at the end of the Runway
- 'The weather is ok' almost always means inside where I am standing
- You consider engine out landings as recent experience for the VAN
- When you hear 'They're fighting again' you immediately respond YES AND....
- Your boss has propossed most entries in Jane's Aircraft Guide as suitable to be operated in Africa
- You stopped calling home long ago since they only ask when your comming to visit
- You can find the Red Light District whilst drunk and disorderly in any city
- A new pilot says he has heard of a great place to go 'The Florida 2000' - and you just smile and say sounds good!
Any others????????
Last edited by Mobotu; 24th Aug 2002 at 23:01.
GunsssR4ever
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Ok here it comes .....
Rules for flying an aircraft
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up
there, than up there, wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used
to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually
watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full
power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of
survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't
get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been
known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to
the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per
hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward
as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've
missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up
there, than up there, wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used
to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually
watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full
power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of
survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't
get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been
known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to
the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per
hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward
as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've
missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Join Date: Sep 2001
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Mobotu,
Don't forget:
--The controlers recognize you by accent (a Texas one in my case) and clear you direct before you even tell them where you're headed...
--You don't even get annoyed when a local "dignitary" (I use the term loosely) closes the airports and airspace within a 100 mile radius because "he might want to go flying sometime that day"
--You politely tell the controller to "shut-the-hell up" while you coordinate your own traffic seperation with the other a/c.
--You have to apologize to the owner of a bar in your home base just to get a drink, because you've been thrown out of all the bars in the city (you two know who you are...).
Don't forget:
--The controlers recognize you by accent (a Texas one in my case) and clear you direct before you even tell them where you're headed...
--You don't even get annoyed when a local "dignitary" (I use the term loosely) closes the airports and airspace within a 100 mile radius because "he might want to go flying sometime that day"
--You politely tell the controller to "shut-the-hell up" while you coordinate your own traffic seperation with the other a/c.
--You have to apologize to the owner of a bar in your home base just to get a drink, because you've been thrown out of all the bars in the city (you two know who you are...).
Join Date: Oct 2001
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You know you are flying in Africa when the tower tells you the air traffic guys want to see you and you spend the next hour discussing how much that violation of air law... you didn't do ...is going to cost.
Cat Driver
Cat Driver
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When the pilot asks a passenger to "Wake me up when you see the coast/the city/the mountains..."
When the pilot says "If you can shut the door it'll ****ing fly, if the tail scrapes take something off"
When the pilot gets airborne for a flight that will burn 400lb of fuel with 400lb of fuel in the tanks.
When the pilot does both 1 and 3 above with a journalist on board.
When your oppo is shagging the ugliest moose in town and is happy for everyone to know it.
When you order shellfish in a Djibouti restaurant
When you smile and wave at a kid with an AK47 and think it normal
When the sight of AK47s is normal
When you say "bloody mossies" when you get bitten instead of panicking to remember when you last saw your chloroquine.
When the ugliest moose in town looks attractive to you too...
When you start listening to The Archers on the World Service.
When you think about going to sleep en-route
Oops! Time to go home!
When the pilot says "If you can shut the door it'll ****ing fly, if the tail scrapes take something off"
When the pilot gets airborne for a flight that will burn 400lb of fuel with 400lb of fuel in the tanks.
When the pilot does both 1 and 3 above with a journalist on board.
When your oppo is shagging the ugliest moose in town and is happy for everyone to know it.
When you order shellfish in a Djibouti restaurant
When you smile and wave at a kid with an AK47 and think it normal
When the sight of AK47s is normal
When you say "bloody mossies" when you get bitten instead of panicking to remember when you last saw your chloroquine.
When the ugliest moose in town looks attractive to you too...
When you start listening to The Archers on the World Service.
When you think about going to sleep en-route
Oops! Time to go home!
Paxing All Over The World
possible addition ...
When you know all the pax by name and they tell you that the one you took to hospital when he was a boy ... is now a grand father.
When you know all the pax by name and they tell you that the one you took to hospital when he was a boy ... is now a grand father.
Join Date: Feb 2002
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to long?
..if you start bribing the airport officials for an infrigment that when it comes to light will cost them a substantial stay in a comfy african jail cell surrounded by 53.52 cellmates.
..when you start carrying a little black book in which you pretend to write the name of any official that attempts to converse to you in any tone not being the submissive.
..if you have your own barstool/table in at least five pubs in five African Cities.
..if the bar persons dont ask you what you drink but serve you immediatly as you sit down.
..if the nightfighters dont even try and bother you in any of the above cities.
..if you dont even have to tell the taxi drivers which hotels to take you to in any of the above mentioned cities.
..if you start paying local rates for a taxi.
..when you start carrying a little black book in which you pretend to write the name of any official that attempts to converse to you in any tone not being the submissive.
..if you have your own barstool/table in at least five pubs in five African Cities.
..if the bar persons dont ask you what you drink but serve you immediatly as you sit down.
..if the nightfighters dont even try and bother you in any of the above cities.
..if you dont even have to tell the taxi drivers which hotels to take you to in any of the above mentioned cities.
..if you start paying local rates for a taxi.
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.....when the fact that your approach to land begins overhead destination from FL 250 with the gear out is normal.
And back in civilization normal circuits just seem to take forever.
You are not used to flying an aircraft without an HF radio.
And back in civilization normal circuits just seem to take forever.
You are not used to flying an aircraft without an HF radio.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
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Lets not forget the passengers.....
- When the only seats left are plastic ones
- When there are none left so you sit on a sack of rice
- When the hostess reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, then realises your seat doesn't have them
- When you cannot even see an emergency exit
- When they close the cattle ramp behind you and all you see is a wall of freight in front
- When a battery start begins with the installation of a cable through the emergency exit
- When you point the portable GPU's exhust out the cabin door and start it with pax inside (Fortunately you have a headset)
- When parts of the interior regularly fall apart during flight
- When parts of the plane fall off in flight
- When one of the pax decides to boil water in the aisle and begins by lighting a fire (True story)
- When one of the pax tries to open the door at FL350 because it's too rough
- When the Captain announces 'We are now flying over.....' and one of the pax says 'Can you ask the captain to drop me off here'
- When the pax, hostess and pilots ALL speak different languages
- When one of the pax flys the plane so the pilot can go to the toilet with no autopilot
- When the door opens in flight and it's the pax's job to close it
- When someone open the emergency exit as they are too hot
- When you open the emergency exit as it's too hot
- When live crocodiles are considered carry on baggage
- When the same crocodiles get lose (Oh boy!!!)
- When night falls, you are still in the air and the captain asks the pax if 'they' see a runway anywhere
- When you already noticed one engine stopped a while ago and the other begins to surge
- When you notice 45 mins into a 30 min flight that the captain is asleep
- When this happens and you only have a 30 min reserve (ie 15 mins remaining)
- When you now cannot seem to locate the runway
- When you consider - Then again crashing a plane is safer without fuel
TIME TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!
- When there are none left so you sit on a sack of rice
- When the hostess reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, then realises your seat doesn't have them
- When you cannot even see an emergency exit
- When they close the cattle ramp behind you and all you see is a wall of freight in front
- When a battery start begins with the installation of a cable through the emergency exit
- When you point the portable GPU's exhust out the cabin door and start it with pax inside (Fortunately you have a headset)
- When parts of the interior regularly fall apart during flight
- When parts of the plane fall off in flight
- When one of the pax decides to boil water in the aisle and begins by lighting a fire (True story)
- When one of the pax tries to open the door at FL350 because it's too rough
- When the Captain announces 'We are now flying over.....' and one of the pax says 'Can you ask the captain to drop me off here'
- When the pax, hostess and pilots ALL speak different languages
- When one of the pax flys the plane so the pilot can go to the toilet with no autopilot
- When the door opens in flight and it's the pax's job to close it
- When someone open the emergency exit as they are too hot
- When you open the emergency exit as it's too hot
- When live crocodiles are considered carry on baggage
- When the same crocodiles get lose (Oh boy!!!)
- When night falls, you are still in the air and the captain asks the pax if 'they' see a runway anywhere
- When you already noticed one engine stopped a while ago and the other begins to surge
- When you notice 45 mins into a 30 min flight that the captain is asleep
- When this happens and you only have a 30 min reserve (ie 15 mins remaining)
- When you now cannot seem to locate the runway
- When you consider - Then again crashing a plane is safer without fuel
TIME TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!
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AHHH Africa
1. Where finding a loaded handgun stuck in the back of the seat that a passenger forgot is par for the course….. (how do you lose a gun)?
2. You don’t notice the minivan with 47 people in it crashing in front of you.
3. You say no live animals on the plane – so they cut the goats neck on the ramp.
4. Where one passenger is equal to a mum, 3 kids, assorted cooking equipment and 2 50kg bags of rice.
5. Where being cleared to land as you have left the active is pretty good.
Just another day in Africa………………..
2. You don’t notice the minivan with 47 people in it crashing in front of you.
3. You say no live animals on the plane – so they cut the goats neck on the ramp.
4. Where one passenger is equal to a mum, 3 kids, assorted cooking equipment and 2 50kg bags of rice.
5. Where being cleared to land as you have left the active is pretty good.
Just another day in Africa………………..
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My people have a proverb that goes like this..... " a camel doesn't joke about the hump of another camel "
Sama, thanks for the poem If you do not mind I would like to share it with some of your colleagues here in Africa.
Mother Africa Mother Africa
you lay before me
in your naked splendour
sprawled out
a luscious seductress
voluptuous and sultry
no young nubile maiden
but a mature woman
ripe and full of promise
a golden band across your waist
once a river flowing
promises of tomorrow
glowing glowing in your eyes
your quintessential eyes
oh beautiful continent
you lie before me
opened wide
inviting me to taste your fruit
to eat my fill
to bask in your sun
to reach out to touch your stars...
Mother Africa Mother Africa
you are drawing me near
I am right here
I am right here
zazoo
On holiday cape verde 25'W 15'N
Sama, thanks for the poem If you do not mind I would like to share it with some of your colleagues here in Africa.
Mother Africa Mother Africa
you lay before me
in your naked splendour
sprawled out
a luscious seductress
voluptuous and sultry
no young nubile maiden
but a mature woman
ripe and full of promise
a golden band across your waist
once a river flowing
promises of tomorrow
glowing glowing in your eyes
your quintessential eyes
oh beautiful continent
you lie before me
opened wide
inviting me to taste your fruit
to eat my fill
to bask in your sun
to reach out to touch your stars...
Mother Africa Mother Africa
you are drawing me near
I am right here
I am right here
zazoo
On holiday cape verde 25'W 15'N
Join Date: May 2002
Location: South Africa
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Verry Funny Pieterrrrr!!!
I would like to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, definitely not like his screaming passengers.
When white dot syndrome becomes a reality you need to go home!!
White dot syndrome is defined as a fine white dot on a really beautifull black woman that grows bigger and bigger each day you see her!! (I am White, this is a non-racist joke ok!!)
"When you sit in your office, the worst possible thing that could happen to you is, you could drop your pencil. Way up in the clouds, where we are, a whole lot worse things can happen, the rewards however are much greater" - Richard Bach
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aginnintonixadaykeepsamalariaaway!!!
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