Cheerful ATC 's and Pilots in Africa......
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Cheerful ATC 's and Pilots in Africa......
Saw the cheerful radar post in the European section..... So figured a similar theme as there are plenty interesting more and amusing ones to be found in the African side of things.....
Not only do we have the ill trained and ill equipped doing the impossible every day, but we have to contend with the russians doing their on air shopping and what ever else they feel like...
What a wonderful continent we work in
Here are couple for starters.....
ATC " Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "
A/C "Why?"
ATC "Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "
A/C "You Know Catumbella, I'm so heavy today that if i do that its going to F*ck up my whole day......"
ATC "OK climb over my station report level two five zero next "
I almost crashlanded the otherday as I thought my FO had actually transmitted.... tears of laughter at 20 ft above the runway dont make for a pretty arrival...it was an otherwise normal appoach...
ATC " XYZ In sight cleared to land "
A/C " OK sir XYZ cleared to land "
as I start the flare a paniced voice comes on the radio " Captain, Captain.....be advised the runway is wet and slippery !!!"
FO "Yeah, like your mama !"
well that was it.....havn't laughed so much for a very long time... but as always the timing of things, like the subsequent landing was less than perfect....
Last week was also fairly amusing...... the usual train smash to get start in one of our beloved african airports... the russians transmitting over each other, everyone else, and doing their on air shopping at the same time..... everyone else getting stepped on and passing half messages....the ATC getting more and more stressed... and the more he got stressed the higher his pitch got and the louder he shouted into the Mic......eventually there was a slight lul in the calls as everyone came up for air...so the one guy manages to get in a whole message.. probably the first that morning.....
A/C " Tower XYZ requesting start !!"
TWR " XZY I give you start clearance 3 times already you must listen out on the radio, I give you start. you must start now and call me ready for taxi it is very busy today you must listen out.........."
the tirade continued for a little while longer, as you could just picture the guy, Mic in hand getting closer and closer to the window and higher and higher in his seat as he vented.... without missing a beat the captain replied very cooly and calmly...
"Sir please sit down when you say that, and we are now ready for taxi"
suitable deflated the tower replied....
"Thankyou Captain, cleared taxi".....
well I have loads more... but brain hurts now........... lets see what else is out there
Not only do we have the ill trained and ill equipped doing the impossible every day, but we have to contend with the russians doing their on air shopping and what ever else they feel like...
What a wonderful continent we work in
Here are couple for starters.....
ATC " Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "
A/C "Why?"
ATC "Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "
A/C "You Know Catumbella, I'm so heavy today that if i do that its going to F*ck up my whole day......"
ATC "OK climb over my station report level two five zero next "
I almost crashlanded the otherday as I thought my FO had actually transmitted.... tears of laughter at 20 ft above the runway dont make for a pretty arrival...it was an otherwise normal appoach...
ATC " XYZ In sight cleared to land "
A/C " OK sir XYZ cleared to land "
as I start the flare a paniced voice comes on the radio " Captain, Captain.....be advised the runway is wet and slippery !!!"
FO "Yeah, like your mama !"
well that was it.....havn't laughed so much for a very long time... but as always the timing of things, like the subsequent landing was less than perfect....
Last week was also fairly amusing...... the usual train smash to get start in one of our beloved african airports... the russians transmitting over each other, everyone else, and doing their on air shopping at the same time..... everyone else getting stepped on and passing half messages....the ATC getting more and more stressed... and the more he got stressed the higher his pitch got and the louder he shouted into the Mic......eventually there was a slight lul in the calls as everyone came up for air...so the one guy manages to get in a whole message.. probably the first that morning.....
A/C " Tower XYZ requesting start !!"
TWR " XZY I give you start clearance 3 times already you must listen out on the radio, I give you start. you must start now and call me ready for taxi it is very busy today you must listen out.........."
the tirade continued for a little while longer, as you could just picture the guy, Mic in hand getting closer and closer to the window and higher and higher in his seat as he vented.... without missing a beat the captain replied very cooly and calmly...
"Sir please sit down when you say that, and we are now ready for taxi"
suitable deflated the tower replied....
"Thankyou Captain, cleared taxi".....
well I have loads more... but brain hurts now........... lets see what else is out there
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On a day with crystal clear blue skies...
"Luanda Control... Springbok 054... request your latest weather please"
"Springbok 054... Luanda weather NOT available"
My captain mutters "Look out the f*&%king window"
"Calling Luanda ???"
[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: Dutchie2 ]
"Luanda Control... Springbok 054... request your latest weather please"
"Springbok 054... Luanda weather NOT available"
My captain mutters "Look out the f*&%king window"
"Calling Luanda ???"
[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: Dutchie2 ]
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Overheard at Lanseria:
Student: Lanseria tower, FUJ good morning.
Lanseria: Good morning FUJ, go ahead.
Student: FUJ, a Charlie 172, 2 on board, requesting taxi instructions to the GF.
Lanseria: Certainly FUJ. Leave the apron at gate 5, taxi down the access road to the stop sign. Turn right and proceed to the T junction .....
Student: Lanseria tower, FUJ good morning.
Lanseria: Good morning FUJ, go ahead.
Student: FUJ, a Charlie 172, 2 on board, requesting taxi instructions to the GF.
Lanseria: Certainly FUJ. Leave the apron at gate 5, taxi down the access road to the stop sign. Turn right and proceed to the T junction .....
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Ghana Airways DC-10: Accra tower, good evening, nine golf alpha november bravo.
Accra: go ahead niner golf alpha november bravo
9G-ANB: we are in the maintenance area and we request taxi to the bay.
accra: stand by, i have two departures
9g-anb: standing by
(twenty mins pass, ethiopian 767 and klm 767 take off, controller has apparently forgotten about the mechanic)
9g-anb: accra, nine golf alpha november bravo standing by
accra: roger
9g-anb: we are still requesting taxi to the bay.
9g-anb: we dont have apu so no anti-collision lights
accra: say again
(repeats)
accra: roger
9g-anb: are we approved yet?
accra: stand by!
9g-anb: but you said you would let us after the two departures!
accra: stand by!!!
accra: stay off my frequency
9g-anb: ok, but advise them them that well depart as ghana 770 at 2300
(accra ignores him for a while and finally approves the ferry.)
this shows the typical usually very "cordial" relationship between ghanaian mechanics and air traffic controllers...
Accra: go ahead niner golf alpha november bravo
9G-ANB: we are in the maintenance area and we request taxi to the bay.
accra: stand by, i have two departures
9g-anb: standing by
(twenty mins pass, ethiopian 767 and klm 767 take off, controller has apparently forgotten about the mechanic)
9g-anb: accra, nine golf alpha november bravo standing by
accra: roger
9g-anb: we are still requesting taxi to the bay.
9g-anb: we dont have apu so no anti-collision lights
accra: say again
(repeats)
accra: roger
9g-anb: are we approved yet?
accra: stand by!
9g-anb: but you said you would let us after the two departures!
accra: stand by!!!
accra: stay off my frequency
9g-anb: ok, but advise them them that well depart as ghana 770 at 2300
(accra ignores him for a while and finally approves the ferry.)
this shows the typical usually very "cordial" relationship between ghanaian mechanics and air traffic controllers...
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Somewhere in deepest darkest Africa...
ATC "Air Burkina 123 you are cleared to Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb Level 210"
A/C "Cleared Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb level 210"
ATC "That is...... Charlie!"
A/C "No... my name's not Charlie"
ATC "Ahhh..... sorry for you!"
after 30 seconds
ATC "What is your name?"
A/C "My name is Roger"
ATC "Ahhh... RRRooooogggg!!"
ATC "Air Burkina 123 you are cleared to Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb Level 210"
A/C "Cleared Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb level 210"
ATC "That is...... Charlie!"
A/C "No... my name's not Charlie"
ATC "Ahhh..... sorry for you!"
after 30 seconds
ATC "What is your name?"
A/C "My name is Roger"
ATC "Ahhh... RRRooooogggg!!"
Bloopers
Along with hearing calls for "Johannesburg Ground" while in Cape Town (steely silence from ATC...) the best I heard was a pilot on Cape Town Ground frequency wishing the passengers a safe journey & to mind their heads when retreiving hand baggage. It could have been worse I guess, if he had requested a start & push back from the passengers...
You heavy metal jockeys would understand which buttons get mixed up for this.
You heavy metal jockeys would understand which buttons get mixed up for this.
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Where has this thread been hiding ?
Friend of mine, coming back to Joeys in a 210, yonks ago, decided the pax would love a bit of low level. So, thundering over the veld at about 100 KIAS or so, he gives them the works. Then the engine stops, so he stooms up to find a place to crash and transmits “Mayday Mayday Mayday, ZS ***, engine out, 25 mile NW Gaborones, crash landing” or something like it.
You know.
“Station calling, say your callsign”
“Station calling, say your message again”
“Station calling Gaborones, say again your message !!!”
A voice from afar :
“He said he’s crashing, you t
oTd
You know.
“Station calling, say your callsign”
“Station calling, say your message again”
“Station calling Gaborones, say again your message !!!”
A voice from afar :
“He said he’s crashing, you t
oTd
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While i was sitting in my 150 at the hold on taxi way E at FACT with my instructor on a particularly busy day, a sax CRJ was told to expect late landing clearance, on short finals in a very official tone
"AH tower landig clearance before christmas please"
Tower very courtiesly cleared him to land.
"AH tower landig clearance before christmas please"
Tower very courtiesly cleared him to land.
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Dak Driver
Many moons ago a Dak Driver explained in explicit detail what sexual position his is going to do with the new ATC while holding for take off at FADN.
Apparently as in explicit with a few great details as he met this lady at the officers mess the previous evening.
When she answered back on the radio (after he released the tx button) she just answered his pecker was too small and he had a sh*t smile ...
He then realised he transmitted and made sure he did not do a trip to Dunno's again ..
Apparently the chirps from the 20 odd instructors in the circuit was endless (and the CAF was on board)
Apparently as in explicit with a few great details as he met this lady at the officers mess the previous evening.
When she answered back on the radio (after he released the tx button) she just answered his pecker was too small and he had a sh*t smile ...
He then realised he transmitted and made sure he did not do a trip to Dunno's again ..
Apparently the chirps from the 20 odd instructors in the circuit was endless (and the CAF was on board)
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A gentleman in a certain central African nation got a little flustered and forgot the fellows name. Began calling him "Rodney", much to the delight of those listening....
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Genuine radio transmission a couple of years back between Cessna 185 pilot and Pietersburg International (in those days) tower.
Cessna 185:
MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY: ZS-ABC Engine failure, attemping forced landing on the Dendron road.
Pietersburg International:
Roger ABC, say persons on board and endurance?
Cessna 185:
MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY: ZS-ABC Engine failure, attemping forced landing on the Dendron road.
Pietersburg International:
Roger ABC, say persons on board and endurance?
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Anyone who has flown in or around West Africa will probably agree that one of the first radio calls all West African ATC's learn is:
"Stand by, call you back..."
which is shortly followed by:
"Say again..."
"Stand by, call you back..."
which is shortly followed by:
"Say again..."
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West Africa is a SPECIAL place.
Of all 360 radials available from the Lagos VOR you are most likely to be cleared inbound, through the biggest thunderstorm, on the same radial as the opposite outbound climbing traffic. Then, when you've practiced your TCAS maneuvers techniques there's a pretty good chance that in an echoed transmission which redefines Kellog’s “snap, crackle, pop” sensation you'll get cleared for the ILS 18 which is unserviceable according to NOTAM.
You advise the controller of this and ask him if it is now working?
“Ehfem sir, you are cleared for the ILS 18.”
“What is your POB and endurance?”
You can’t really understand what relevance the endurance would be at 40nm from destination, but maybe you missing something…… So a little confused, and concerned as to why the ILS is not coding you continue to thunder in for a few more miles before passing this info on to ATC…
“Lagos, confirm ILS is on the air? We’re not receiving it.”
“Ehh…Ehfem, cleared for the VOR 18. Contact Lagos tower on …”
So you franticly reprogram the “box” revert to the VOR approach, switch to tower and break the smog barrier at MDA to find Boris and Igor happily lining up in their Herc-ski totally oblivious of the fact that there is about 190 tons of aircraft about to fall on their heads! You Go-Around and contact ATC who now tells you to turn right on Delta and proceed to gate 41! The reason for the endurance call now becomes evident and you remind the guy that you are actually STILL IN THE AIR!
“Ehh, Rog. Climb x000’, turn right to the LAG for the ILS 18!”
Of all 360 radials available from the Lagos VOR you are most likely to be cleared inbound, through the biggest thunderstorm, on the same radial as the opposite outbound climbing traffic. Then, when you've practiced your TCAS maneuvers techniques there's a pretty good chance that in an echoed transmission which redefines Kellog’s “snap, crackle, pop” sensation you'll get cleared for the ILS 18 which is unserviceable according to NOTAM.
You advise the controller of this and ask him if it is now working?
“Ehfem sir, you are cleared for the ILS 18.”
“What is your POB and endurance?”
You can’t really understand what relevance the endurance would be at 40nm from destination, but maybe you missing something…… So a little confused, and concerned as to why the ILS is not coding you continue to thunder in for a few more miles before passing this info on to ATC…
“Lagos, confirm ILS is on the air? We’re not receiving it.”
“Ehh…Ehfem, cleared for the VOR 18. Contact Lagos tower on …”
So you franticly reprogram the “box” revert to the VOR approach, switch to tower and break the smog barrier at MDA to find Boris and Igor happily lining up in their Herc-ski totally oblivious of the fact that there is about 190 tons of aircraft about to fall on their heads! You Go-Around and contact ATC who now tells you to turn right on Delta and proceed to gate 41! The reason for the endurance call now becomes evident and you remind the guy that you are actually STILL IN THE AIR!
“Ehh, Rog. Climb x000’, turn right to the LAG for the ILS 18!”
Last edited by El Peligroso; 18th Jun 2005 at 03:35.
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Somewhere over West Africa:
UN-XXX (A B727): 'Roberts centre, UN-XXX, maintaining level 290, request climb to level 330.'
Roberts (An 'ATC'): ...........zzz.........
UN-XXX: (Repeats call)
Roberts: '...........(muffled).....ation calling?'
UN-XXX: (Repeats call)
Roberts: '....say again (very excited voice)!!!'....(sounds of double transmission)
UN-XXX: (Repeats calll- evidence of exasperation)
Roberts: 'Climb FL 330, call maintaining.'
UN-XXX: '(Happy voice) Climb to FL330, call you maintaining, UN-XXX'
(UN-XXX now makes a fatal African mistake: he tries to helpfully mention that Roberts's relay station is causing a problem, and can they kindly do something about it?)
UN-XXX: 'Roberts, just be advised that your relay station is causing a double transmission, can you just use one station at a time?'
Roberts (utterly baffled, acts as though he's never heard this person before despite only seconds having passed; where could he have come from?): '....last caller, er, say again?'
UN-XXX: (Repeats call, has flashbacks)
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm maintaining level 330?'
UN-XXX (still climbing, since he just got clearance to do so seconds ago): Repeats call, now deeply regretting he said anything, but determined to do his duty for flight safety.
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm your request?'
UN-XXX: (sounds of gnashing teeth - Repeats call)
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, call maintaining level 330.'
UN-XXX: '(Voice of deep resignation) Call maintaining level 330, UN-XXX'
In conclusion: Most ten-year old school children have better SA, logic, and ears than these 'ATC's'!
UN-XXX (A B727): 'Roberts centre, UN-XXX, maintaining level 290, request climb to level 330.'
Roberts (An 'ATC'): ...........zzz.........
UN-XXX: (Repeats call)
Roberts: '...........(muffled).....ation calling?'
UN-XXX: (Repeats call)
Roberts: '....say again (very excited voice)!!!'....(sounds of double transmission)
UN-XXX: (Repeats calll- evidence of exasperation)
Roberts: 'Climb FL 330, call maintaining.'
UN-XXX: '(Happy voice) Climb to FL330, call you maintaining, UN-XXX'
(UN-XXX now makes a fatal African mistake: he tries to helpfully mention that Roberts's relay station is causing a problem, and can they kindly do something about it?)
UN-XXX: 'Roberts, just be advised that your relay station is causing a double transmission, can you just use one station at a time?'
Roberts (utterly baffled, acts as though he's never heard this person before despite only seconds having passed; where could he have come from?): '....last caller, er, say again?'
UN-XXX: (Repeats call, has flashbacks)
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm maintaining level 330?'
UN-XXX (still climbing, since he just got clearance to do so seconds ago): Repeats call, now deeply regretting he said anything, but determined to do his duty for flight safety.
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm your request?'
UN-XXX: (sounds of gnashing teeth - Repeats call)
Roberts: 'UN-XXX, call maintaining level 330.'
UN-XXX: '(Voice of deep resignation) Call maintaining level 330, UN-XXX'
In conclusion: Most ten-year old school children have better SA, logic, and ears than these 'ATC's'!
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Recently in Kinshasa area....
Kin: " SM how dou you read?"
SM: " 3 by 5 Kinshasa"
Kin: " 3.5 DME... Roger call over head the KSA with Ndolo in sight..."
SM: "Kinshasa, SM is 40 DME but we call overhead KSA......"
Kin: " Station calling Kinshassss....????"
Just have to laugh and lookout....
4G
SM: " 3 by 5 Kinshasa"
Kin: " 3.5 DME... Roger call over head the KSA with Ndolo in sight..."
SM: "Kinshasa, SM is 40 DME but we call overhead KSA......"
Kin: " Station calling Kinshassss....????"
Just have to laugh and lookout....
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Also noticed very talkative controllers sometimes who treat you like their best friend and have long conversations with you. After landing you see his girlfriend, whom he's trying to impress, with him in the tower.
Once she's sufficiently impressed, you can call until you go blue and not recieve an answer. Use unmanned field procedures, taxi out and get a bollocking from him after you're airborne for not calling him.....
Once she's sufficiently impressed, you can call until you go blue and not recieve an answer. Use unmanned field procedures, taxi out and get a bollocking from him after you're airborne for not calling him.....