A few from my own experience as a pilot, all completely true in essence, but the exact words may have got a little fuzzy in the mists of time:
First one ironically close to the very first post in this whole thread three years ago:
ME (flying HS125 in Spain): Pan Pan Pan xxx123 No 2 Engine failure out of 390 we can probably hold about 220 on reaching. We'll go to Madrid. Services at Madrid please.
HER: xxx123 Negative you must maintain 390 acknowledge
ME: Unable comply, engine failure, we are in the float down passing 370.
HER: NEGATIVE NEGATIVE Climb immediately 390
ME: WE HAVE LOST AN ENGINE WE ARE DESCENDING THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. JUST GET YOUR SUPERVISOR ON THE RADIO IF YOU CANNOT COPE
HER: IT IS VERY DANGEROUS WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU MUST RETURN TO YOUR ASSIGNED ALTITUDE.
ME: Please will someone explain to her what's going on.
<some words spoken in Spanish>
HER(all said as if nothing had happened): xxx123 Continue descent. Make your heading 350. Expect Radar vectors to runway xx at Madrid.
Second one at Glasgow, perfectly calm night, taking off in a C404, when suddenly at about 200' I encounter severe turbulence, with a bank angle of about 50deg.
ME: xxx123 I think we just encountered wake turbulence. What departed in front of us?
GLA: A Shorts 360
Disembodied voice, strong scottish accent: We don't create wake turbulence, sonny, we make bow waves.
(This next one will be lost on non-brits)
On a night mail flight from Lydd to Liverpool, on first contact with LATCC (it always used to be quite relaxed on the R/T in the middle of the night in those days)
LATCC: Your route this morning is DET, LAM, BNN, DTY, WHI
ME: Roger. M20, M25, M1, M6 to Liverpool
LATCC (without a moment's pause): That's correct, your clearance limit is Knutsford Services.
On an ambulance flight into Alconbury, carrying doctor, nurse and an ice box containing a heart for transplant:
ALCONBURY: How many souls on board?
ME: Now, that's really a tough one!
Flying a Chieftan to "County Kerry International Airport":
CORK: Contact Kerry Tower on xxx.xx
several abortive attempts to call them, then back to Cork
ME: Cork, xxx123, unable to contact Kerry on xxx.xx, please confirm the frequency.
CORK: Standby, I'll call them on the landline.
..
CORK: xxx123, Try Kerry again on xxx.xx
ME: Kerry this is xxx123
KERRY (Strong Kerryman accent, very out of breath) xxx123, sorry about that, I was downstairs having me tea.
As I say, all these guaranteed true and happened to me.
W
Last edited by Timothy; 9th Jul 2003 at 06:40.