Hi dean, you wrote:
'Is that the difference from saying "get that bloody gear up NOW!!" on a go around or "Please retract the gear Joe" for example.'
And in this specific instance, you should simply say, 'Gear up'. No names, no 'please' or 'thank you', and only 'now' if you're the commander, you are cast-iron certain that your reading of the sitaution is right, and that your colleague is delaying a vital action, which must be done urgently.
Niceties, compliments, etc., will define you as being a polite and pleasant individual in the office, briefing room, or bar. Clear, standard calls and responses in the flight deck will define you as a professional operator.
(Of course, if your Ops Manual says something other than 'Gear up', then you need to say what it says in the manual. All my life I've dreamed of finding an operator who still uses 'undercart'!!).
All the other stuff above about CRM is pretty well on target. Alternatively, we could talk about 'airmanship', except that this causes sharp intakes of breath by training-type-people and reduces your chances of career progression.