1. Image vs. reality
A manipulative bully is preoccupied with image, particularly his own. He wants to be viewed as highly competent and successful, selfless and noble, a true leader who only wants what is best for the company and the people who work there.
The reality, however, is vastly different. If you see through his mask, a disturbing truth appears: he is scheming and deceitful, driven by an obsessive desire for power, prestige and money.
His outward image is intended to convey virtue and self-sacrifice:
“I care about you. I care about the company. Trust me.”
But what he is actually thinking he would never say to your face:
“You don’t have my savvy, intelligence and strength. You aren’t aggressive and competitive, so you must be weak. I’m going to discover where you are vulnerable, and then use that to control your emotions and behavior.
“I will make you help me become more successful. I may cause you some pain, but that’s okay, because that’s my ‘tough management’ style. And if you don’t cooperate, I’ll make sure you don’t succeed here, or perhaps even get you fired.”
2. Center of his own universe
A manipulative bully never sees things through the eyes of others. That would require empathy, which he lacks. Instead, he creates his own reality, in which he is at the center.
What truly matters to a manipulator?
His own ambitions are most important, particularly financial and career success. He may also seek a vaunted status or even fame (at least within his vocation). He enjoys being the center of attention and wants everything to revolve around him. He derives satisfaction from successfully dominating others.
Why are some manipulators so self-absorbed and aggressive?
Self-absorption and aggressiveness often stem from a lack of control over impulses. When a manipulator lacks internal brakes (which occur naturally for those who are self-aware and care about others), he learns that pleasure comes through impulsiveness and aggression, especially when applied with a keen understanding of human weakness.
Or past successes may have taught him how to control the behaviors of others through exploitation of fear or guilt. Children learn quickly when guilt-ridden parents allow themselves to be manipulated into rewarding bad behavior, or when a weaker peer submits to dominating behavior.
Then as the bully embarked upon his career, he discovered these skills helped him succeed. His success fed his ego and increased his self-absorption, making it easier for him to justify this aberrant behavior as perfectly acceptable, even desirable.
Does a manipulative bully care about other people?
He only cares to the extent others can gratify his ego and help him succeed. Absent are the healthy relationships of mutual respect. He may experience the beginnings of selfless affection for someone else, but sooner or later his ego reasserts it primacy.
But why does a manipulative bully seem so concerned about people close to him?
He may seem concerned for the well-being of others, but usually this reflects a sense of ownership of those he dominates. In reality, he only cares about how they impact his power and reputation within the company. And his affection is conditional upon whether the people he “owns” continue to feed his ego. Disrepect him, even unintentionally, and the positive relationship is instantly destroyed.
Why is a manipulative bully so anxious to control the people he “owns”?
A bully never wants to look ineffective and powerless. In his thinking, if he can’t control the people close to him, upper management won’t view him as a strong leader. So he becomes frustrated when you show any independent thinking or actions that might threaten his control and tarnish his image.
Why is a manipulative bully so hot-and-cold in how he treats the people he “owns”?
He fluctuates wildly in his treatment of people he “owns” because his possessiveness leads to pride of ownership. When one of his possessions does something right, it gratifies his ego. But when he believes someone has made him look bad, he gets angry. And if he feels betrayed, he becomes jealous and retaliates.
But doesn’t a manipulative bully have normal relationships with others?
His relationships are never normal because they are defined by the power and control he has over others. In essence, he treats people like things, never respecting their rights as fellow human beings.
How does a manipulative bully develop such lasting relationships?
He knows how to gain power over others and keep it. He exudes charm and confidence in order to attract those who are naive or emotionally needy, providing them with friendship and camaraderie, or enticing them with promises of future rewards. His followers may stay loyal for many years, or even over their entire careers.
Doesn’t a manipulative bully feel bad about hurting and exploiting others?
He has no respect for people who are emotionally weak and vulnerable, so he doesn’t feel bad about exploiting them. At the same time, he believes that his superior intellect, uncommon wisdom and noble ambition justify his aggressively controlling other people. By forcing them to follow his leadership, he is doing them a favor (in his thinking). As the center of his own universe, he is very good at rationalizing his behaviors so that he feels noble and even heroic.
There's just so much correlating material I just don't know when to stop!