I’m the last man left in the Air Force.
I’ve an office in MOD
And a copy of Queen’s Regulations
Which only apply to me.
I can post myself to Leuchars
And detach me from there to Kinloss
Or send me on courses to MOTU
Then cancel the lot – I’m the boss.
I’m the last man left in the Air Force,
But the great Parliamentary brains
Omitted, when cancelling people,
To sell off the stations and planes.
The result is my Inventory bulges
With KD and campstools and Quarters.
Plus a signed book of verses by Trenchard
Which I keep for impressing reporters.
I’m the last man left in the Air Force
I suppose you imagine it’s great
To be master of all you survey, but
I tell you it’s difficult, mate.
I inspected three Units last Thursday
As C-in-C (Acting) Strike.
Then I swept half the runway at Laarbruch
And repaired Saxa Vord's station bike.
I’m the last man left in the Air Force
It’s not doing a lot for my health.
Station Sports Days are frankly exhausting
When the Victor Ludorum’s oneself.
On Guest Nights the Mess is so lonely
There are times that I wish I were able
To pass the port to the chap on my left
Without watching it fall off the table.
I’m the last man left in the Air Force
It's quiet – but that apart –
There are plenty worse off, for example,
The only Sea Lord, for a start.
He was called out last Wednesday evening
(Joint Ops with the Army my oath)
But their rowing boat sank in the Channel
Which obliged me to rescue them both.
I’m the last man left in the Air Force
My wife says I'm never at home
When I’m not flying Hercs I'm at Manston
Laying gallons and gallons of foam
Or I’m in my marine craft off Plymouth,
Shooting flares at the crowds on the Ho,
Or I’m Orderly Corporal at Luqa –
It’s an interesting life, but all go!
I’m the last man in the Air Force
I’m ADC to The Queen
I’m Duty Clerk at St Mawgan
I’m the RAF rugby team.
Tomorrow I’m planning a guardroom
And air-testing several planes
The day after that I’m for London
To preach at St Clement Danes.
I’m the last man in the Air Force
And I’m due to go out before long
There's been no talk of any replacement
And I won’t even let me sign on.
I hope to enjoy my retirement
I’ve put up a fairly good show
And I won’t cut myself off entirely
There are always reunions, you know!
Peter Wyton