Ryanair - Longhaul (Merged)
RYANAIR TO OFFER £8 TRANSATLANTIC
RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York for less than a tenner.
The airline said the new £8 service would bear all the ****ty hallmarks of a typically soul destroying Ryanair experience.
The in-flight meal will involve a catering box of Wotsits emptied into the aisle followed by an angry free-for-all.
But for an extra £10 passengers can upgrade to their own, individually wrapped, Kraft cheese single and a sachet of HP-style sauce.
In-flight entertainment will include Highlander III: The Sorcerer, starring Christopher Lambert as Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, as well as episode five of the second series of Rings on Their Fingers featuring Martin Jarvis as 'Oliver' and Diane Keen as 'Sandy'.
A Ryanair spokesman stressed the advertised fare did not include a series of inexplicable, fake-sounding supplements which are likely to bring the total cost to around £1,214.
Travel industry analyst Wayne Hayes said: "These days most people are happy to pay the extra fifty quid not to be punched squarely in the face as they board the aircraft."
The spokesman added: "As the transatlantic flight will involve around eight hours of unremitting hellishness as opposed to the Ryanair average of three, we will be offering a supplementary suicide pack containing a cyanide biscuit and 100ml of household bleach."
Willie, the wolves are closing in and yer days are numbered.