Royal Air Force 'upper' drug, currently in routine use
Take one large mug with sqn badge on front. Realise you can't find the one with your comedy nickname on it because someone has nicked it, broken it left it growing mould somewhere or the boss has it on his desk for some reason. Instead select least scabby alternative mug not belonging to one of sqn execs. This will probably have a permanent brown scale on the inside and cracks that have turned black from bacterial infestations. If you're lucky it may even have one solitary noodle or crouton dried out and bonded to the inside base.
Select spoon. Find the 'spoon mug'. Remove one spoon from the mug of grey water and check for contamination, brown crust, rustiness etc.
Take 4 heaped spoons of granules from the industrial size tub of own brand coffee. Add another level spoonful just to be sure.
Add water from the 4 terawatt boiler on the wall. Notice how the pipe to the boiler says 'not drinking water'. Burn yourself slightly on either the dry steam coming out of the boiler or the drops of superheated water that without fail always splash you.
That's going to be bitter so find the industrial size sugar tub. Fish around amongst the coagulated lumps of discoloured sugar where people have spilt their drinks into the tub to try to find some uncontaminated sugar in powder form. Take three spoonfuls. Make sure you stir each spoonful in and do not dry the spoon before getting the next spoonful. That way you can get the sugar wet with coffee so the next person can share the same experience as you.
Go to fridge for milk. Realise that the duty bod hasn't bothered to collect the milk for the last few days. Find 12 cartons frozen solid in the freezer and one carton in the fridge which is two weeks old and has turned to cottage cheese. Abondon milk plans.
Stir thoroughly and spill a bit on the work top and floor. Your coffee should smell odd and have a viscous consistency. Don't use the tea towel - it hasn't been washed since the 1990s. Use a bit of blue roll instead and leave it on the floor.
Run along to the night flying brief. Spill more coffee on the stairs and scald your hands a bit. Try to keep awake through night brf and enjoy. You'll be buzzing by the time you taxy.