The Kingdom of Heaven is within YOU
Lezam,
Judging by your comments it would appear that you are enslaved by your religion. It seems that you are following rules just to conform, yet your soul tells you otherwise.
Follow your soul, for that will lead you to the Kingdom of Heaven and to your true destiny. Listen to your internal voice and do not be afraid to break away from these man-made rules that were only written with the signle purpose to control.
Ask yourself how much longer you wish to give your power away. Take responsability for your own life and live it how YOU really wish to live it. If you don't have joy in your life then live it the way YOU want to. That is the only way you will find freedom.