"The problem with public schoolboys....."
Hmmmmmm. And we all know the problem with YOU Fiona! Blatant disregard for your fellow colleagues etc etc.
"A Mayday should only be issued if the people on the ground can assist you" - well, surely in the case of a relatively low-hour guy/gal, new on type, assistance can be gained from ATC by calling a Mayday.....
My company says we should if we have an incapacitation, but even if they didn't have it as standard, I probably would at this stage in the game (new on type).
Go back to play-school yourself!