Jack, my dear boy
Having read your post I have come to the following conclusions.
Either:
A) You are bored with reading the same old stuff on this forum and need to wind things up a bit for the entertainment of all or:-
B)There must have been some really good stuff in the Sheesha this Eid.
If your post is not in jest then may I suggest a visit to the EK clinic and a long course of reallity injections administered at regular intervals until your condition improves.
Eid Mubarak