That's pretty much me too
I go to a lot of retirement seminars now (free food!!!) and they offer something that goes up if the stock market goes up, just not as much and stays at zero if the stock market goes down. They are very disparaging about savings accounts and CDs
Unfortunately I 'm too polite to tell them that my savings accounts will go up in either event, AND it's backed by the government, whereas there's are insurance products ... anyone remember AIG?