Australia's Airport Videos and Voiceovers are world beating.

[extralite]

This line from news.com.au reminded me so much of our experience flying into Sydney on Sunday. It's about our largest warship not being able to make it to Tonga and back with supplies, while China gets the job done. Our ship is stranded at the dock. “Amid slick Department of Defence videos and glowing press releases, the failure comes as a particularly embarrassing incident.” Australia is so good at the videos and voiceovers, but we struggle to organize a chook raffle. My theory is nowadays all the slick marketing people rise to the top (like "Scotty from marketing" for example) while all the people that are crucial are weeded out in cost savings.

On the way into Sydney there were no less than 4 different “This is an important announcement from Border Force/NSW Govt…blah blah…there are strict penalties for blah blah.” The last 3 announcements were delivered (in English and French) while everyone is standing in the aisle after a 15-hour flight from Vancouver. Obviously, it is important to emphasize the quarantine and Covid policies, but how is it that basically the same message gets delivered 4 times! The last announcement had to be read by the CSM and she had to apologize with a “I know its ridiculous but here we go again.” Welcome to Aussie exhausted cobbers.

So we finally get off. The automatic passport machines don’t work for those with over-tired crying children. Perfect. A sign explaining this would be far too practical, instead confused and exhausted parents have to wander off befufddled to a long line in a small cramped area just for families with small children. It takes an hour and a half because although there are dozens of “Border Force Strong” goons stomping around in paramilitary gear hoping for a documentary crew to turn up, there are only 3 behind the counter. Some “Border Force” clown wanders around after we have waited an hour saying that those with the automatic passport machines slips should join the other line otherwise “you will be waiting for hours”. Like it is the passenger’s fault there is a line rather than the fact there are only 3 goons capable of using a computer and a dozen booths are unmanned.

Just to rub it passengers faces, every 5 minutes there is a voice actor reminding everyone to stay “Covid Safe” and remain 1.5 metres apart as hundreds are crammed into these lines thanks to Border Force people preferring to jackboot around rather than the boring job of actually processing inbound passengers. (I know there are exceptions and some are friendly and do their best, but they were by far in the minority on that day. It is very much the US style which i would argue is not the image we need to present to visitors.)

We were transferring to a Qantas domestic flight. Qantas have the very slick safety/marketing video featuring the can-do blokes from Longreach through to now. It really is quiet good marketing. Unfortunately, that is obviously where the top talent is in Qantas (besides aircrew of course!)

We are directed to “Qantas Domestic Terminal Transfer”. Big signs. Big transfer facility. Nice Qantas buses parked there. It all looks the part. Empty with about 100 people lined up outside looking around for a bus. It is hot. People are exhausted. After a little while a lady in a Qantas uniform walks past the “Domestic Transfer” office and asks “What are you people all doing here? “ Well obviously trying to get a suntan in the midday heat before catching the train. Full credit to her she tries to take responsibility. Says she will try and get us a bus. 15 minutes later, nothing other than hand waving and befuddled looks. We are running out of connection time so take the train. Many travellers don’t know there is a train and stay in the line for God knows how long. I hear later that after an hour, there was still no bus. Again…a sign saying “No Transfers, take the train” would be way to practical.

Take the train to domestic. Arrive at the Qantas baggage drop machines. Half aren’t working. The other half won’t seem to scan our boarding passes. Everyone is having the same problem and yet again looking confused. Someone from Qantas happens to be strolling by and says “Oh yes they wont work if you are from International flights, check in as the end of the terminal.” Well again thanks Qantas for the sign saying the bag drops don’t work and proceed to the check in line in the distance. Does this shambles go on all day every day?

Arrive at domestic check-in. Now most people are panicking and running late for their connections thanks to the prior two debacles. Over-tired, hot people. The lines are long, But that doesn’t stop the Qantas check-in guy directly in front pulling up the passenger ahead for being 2kg overweight in his cabin baggage. So that takes him off lines for 20 minutes while they squabble and the lines grow longer, people miss their flights, the officious check-in guy waits for an “Airport” documentary crew to observe his stern authority in action. Meanwhile some supervisor is wandering the lines saying ‘Come on people lets get moving” like it is the passenger’s fault they are waiting. A panicking Chinese lady frantic about missing her connection is waived to the back of a line with a “don’t make us call security” look meaning she will obviously miss that flight. Nobody there to prioritize like any other even half decent airline.

The actual Qantas flight and lounge were good. But Qantas ground. How about if your equipment is all broken and you have no staff, spend 2 minutes to scribble out a sign explaining what to do. It is hard to describe just how bad a customer experience you provide on the ground which is embarrassing for a first taste of Australia for so many people. As they might have said back in the day in Longreach, “Couldn’t organize a sex-worker in an adult establishment” Border Force, just take your heads out of your collective asses, tone down the paramilitary look and threats of jail time, spend less time on announcements about Covid separation and more time getting people through the terminal in under 1.5 hours (that’s how long we spent in the line after 19 hours in the air from Toronto.) Pretty much every other airport can do it with ten times more grace and efficiency than you goons. Marketing is the only thing we are half decent at the moment, whether it is Defence, Border Force or it appears Qantas.

Sure Covid makes things difficult but Border Force certainly were not understaffed. Qantas could have just had a couple of signs or people guiding customer to fix pretty much everyone’s misery. And airports in Vancouver and Toronto have the same difficulties but it is a smooth and friendly operation.

Will this rant help anything? Not in the slightest. But its off my chest. If marketing videos and voiceovers won wars, we would be untouchable..