Meaningless management drivel

[Timelord]

I think that we should have a thread celebrating the use of meaningless drivel much loved by those who wish to sound like "management". You know the stuff, the RAF is full of it these days, but my starter for ten comes from Flight Magazine quoting Lawrence Bryant, the MOD's MFTS IPT leader;

"...says that air force, army and navy training has become too fragmented preventing the realisation of the full benefits of the synergies that we could leverage through the coherent management of the whole"

So- all of you in the flying training world, remember to leverage your synergies.

[SVK]

To which I would respond, "WTF?"

[High_lander]

SVK-


Or

"Who gives a sh!t?"

[tonker]

"With the business going FORWARD"

What, you've got a f*ucking time machine so it goes backwards?

And since when did using your imagination become "thinking out of the box". I suppose from when it frightened the little grey men in their big grey BMW's with their little brains swelled with their large ego's.

Anyway "CHOW"

PS "Lets run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it" bwhhaaaaaaaaaaaa

[2Planks]

Presumably leveraging the synergies will become the underpinning architecture to the overarching policy structure that governs the IPT to ensure that a global solution is provided to meet the increasingly demanding needs of the system in a world where change is the only constant.

or would that be making sure that there is always a QFI to teach the new bloke in the new hawk (cos that was always the answer anyway)

[Wensleydale]

Its no good just asking for examples - in these days of nu-gordon you have to run this as a project. Once you have completed the Prince2 Foundation Course and achieved practitioners' certification you can then receive a mandate from the PPrunE Mods and initiate the project.....

My brain hurts. Perhaps I should mitigate the risk of a headache by asking for some ad hoc direction from Cinc Home. Must go - I'm managing the stage boundary between coffee and a drop of red.

[BEagle]

"This is a cost effective, integrated, holistic service, covering everything from provision of highly capable aircraft to provision of training and maintenance services, as well as new infrastructure."

= We can't afford to do it ourselves and they're going to put up a new shed or two.

WTF is 'holistic'? Does it mean that the idea comes out of some civil serpent's 'hole'? 'cos 'tis what it sounds like, foresooth.

And is this new Wonderbus 'network centric', whatever that means?

[taxydual]

Holistic. I looked it up on t'internet.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/holistic

But I'm still none the wiser

WTF......

[8-15fromOdium]

One I heard recently:

It's not a lie if it's a future truth.

The speaker was from the upper echelons of the light blue.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I complained about an aircraft arriving in Afghanistan carrying snags. An exchange at evening prayers back home was later reported to me:-

Q. If it has snags, why are they continuing to carry them?

A. Because they have a Different Risk Appetite

NB. Notice 'different' not 'higher'.....

Because that would be a 'Value Judgement'

[9.81m/s/s]

My Flight Commander regularly ' interfaces ' with us.

I heard the same flight commander on the phone saying " I am sorry but I am temporarily unsighted re that particular communication ".

What he meant was that he couldn't see the yellow sticky with the reminder message on it !!

Great isn't it.

[davejb]

Gosh Tonker,
it's spelled 'ciao' -
look, get your people to interface with my people, and we'll see if we can't get all stakeholders to agree on which bits of Italian verbalisation to go forward with. You know it'll be worth doing, after all, Italian is the new black.

[Satellite_Driver]

I'm sure it's done the rounds before, but it bears repeating...

"I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same song-sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goalposts may move; if they do, someone may have to pick it up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word "go". It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back-burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire right now.

We will need to un-stick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to reinvent the wheel but we must get right into the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up-stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game.

I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If we can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy.

To that end, I want to get around the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on-side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. I know you're not the sharpest tool in the box and may be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but together we'll be the best thing since sliced bread.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet into my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses.

Before you bomb-burst and throw smoke it is imperative we nail our colours to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket, we'll need to play with a straight bat and watch out for fast balls.

I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my ten pence worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this firmly in our sight picture and not under our hats or it will fall between the cracks. If the cap fits, wear it, but it may seem like pushing fog uphill with a sharp stick. Did you all get that?"

(And I doubt that I'm the only ex Eng(CE) for whom a certain former OC TCW springs to mind on reading that...)

[Maple 01]

erm...I used the phrase "stakeholders" today - sorry

[Grimweasel]

Trouble is that the RAF sponsors Offs to study MBAs; They then bring this new found knowledge back to the RAF (which is clearly NOT a profit making busniess) and then try to enforce crappy said management speak unto unsuspecting victims. Other Offs then think that this 'geezer' a la Alan Sugar must know what he's on about and then start copying his hollow, useless phrases at XX's meetings, and so the virus spreads!

We need to remember that the Forces have been in the business of 'management' and l'eadership' for many moons and we are probably the SMEs in the matter; not some **** of a manager who runs a company selling washers to the nuts and bolts supplier! The RAF is a publicly owned and run defence asset not a fecking PLC listed on LSE/AIM. The quicker they realise that the better.

Kill 'em all; let God sort 'em out!

[tucumseh]

My Flight Commander regularly ' interfaces ' with us.

At least he didn’t “integrate” with you, or did that come later in a private meeting?

we are probably the SMEs in the matter

MoD commercial practice is to stiff Small/Medium Enterprises and drive them out of business; folks like us wonder why they treat Subject Matter Experts like that. This one causes lots of consternation, especially when the SME is the SME. It explains a lot.

[brakedwell]

I used to interface with one of our Cabin Crew - until my wife found out!

[ArthurR]

I always though " Holistic " was to do with Holograms, ie " Dirk Gently's Holistic detective Agency " by Douglas Adams......Meaning looks good, but it aint real, and costs a fortune.....sounds about right

[dallas]

I propose CaRAFE - which, ironically, will appeal to buzz-worders too:

Campaign [for] Real Air Force English

So instead of glassing one of these management speak knobs, you can CaRAFE them - seems much more officer-like.

[maxburner]

Gentlemen, you (in the military) are amatuers at this stuff. You should hear the drivel spoken around here in the bungling barron's empire. And all done with Lancashire accent.