You Know You Are In Africa When.....

[Mobotu]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN AFRICA WHEN:

The Pilot Controlled Lighting System consists of a low fly past down the runway at night.

The Pilot Controlled Lighting System at an International Airport differs slightly in that it consists of a request to ATC in a neighboring country to make an international phone call back to one’s destination.

One is only mildly surprised when a destination airport’s actual location is more than 2 miles away from the published co-ordinates.

The 100/100 rule applies, in which pedestrians, cyclists, goats and chickens will not begin to clear the runway until approached by an airplane within 100 yards at more than 100 knots.

The pilot of a jet airplane, recently totally wrecked while running at high speed through bush and trees before crashing to a halt 500 meters off the end of the runway, claims not to have been unduly concerned at the time, because “I have done it before.”

All of the crew of a jet passenger airplane escapes, unscathed, while most of the passengers perished, after crashing in a ball of flame into a crowded market place.

Restrictive ICAO regulations regarding the transport of live animals are resolved by slaughtering the animals with a machete on the ramp.

Losing an engine or a propeller has a more literal application, involving being unable to find it on the ground somewhere en-route.

The “Go Around” possibilities consist of an unpublished terrain gradient leading to a 15,000 ft volcano.

The 2 toilets, locked before takeoff, are discovered en route to contain 15 extra passengers.

The bed of a small “backie” is used to control passenger carry-on baggage volume.

The only air start unit available, when connected to the airplane, belches flames while leaking fuel over it’s batteries.

The new, internationally donated, airport fire trucks stand in readiness to take on diesel and water in case of an emergency.

In francophone countries, a commendable education policy is applied. Where conflicting traffic occurs, ATC will deliberately communicate with each in a different language, (different from the one each is using) thereby concentrating minds, sharpening language skills and underscoring the need for TCAS.

Communication and traffic co-ordination between two ATC services in the same control zone is not possible because neither one has mobile phone airtime units.

Most hard surfaced runways are artistically decorated with elegantly curved black lines, sweeping gracefully off the sides and both ends of the runway.

A wheel change can take all day, but an airplane parked overnight can be retrieved in the morning, minus fuel, wheels, landing gear, engines, propellers, seats, instruments and radios.

In the event of an “AOG”, parts for most Russian and pre 1970s western airplanes can be purchased conveniently at the local fish and vegetable market. (Should be checked for fire damage before use)

The two “spare” wheels on a 4 wheel bogie are considered to be optional extras.

Runway repairs are merely a means by which commercial air operators receive government funds to dig up runways, thereby conveniently reducing the runway length in order to restrict commercial competition.

“Push Back” consists of a gang of local people manually rotating the tires in reverse.

“Cigarette Packet” rules are applied when marshalling taxiing airplanes on the ramp. A strict minimum vertical clearance of one cigarette packet will be maintained at all times between wing overlaps.

“Second” and “Segment” are considered by commercial operators to be dirty words when used in sequence, punishable by a salt mouthwash and a salary postponement.

:D

[capster]

If it wasnt so true it would be funny :\. Especially the ATC part. INto Kinshasa the other day I was halfway down the slope and another a/c was cleared to take off directly into us. After this some gorrilla who stank of booze and had no ID. tried to fine us $1000 for having a flat tyre (it wasnt flat). Also the static line from the fuel truck was tied onto the copper clip in a text book reef knot, with no part of the metal clip connected to the copper wire as the wire was covered in plastic.

[MungoP]

"...... When the Anotonov 12 that reported his alt/speed and location causing you to slow down to maintain spacing... eventually passes 50 feet above you 10 minutes later "...

[flyhardmo]

.....ATC makes you orbit at 200' to allow another aircraft to enter and backtrack for take off.

....when handling, navigation, parking and landing fee's exceed the GDP of most nations in africa.

....when someone parks a bus infront of your aircraft after engine start because you didn't give him paper with pictures of Benjamin Franklin on it..

.... when ATC tells you to stby 10 times on the last 6 miles before touchdown.

...when 100 people, 10 goats and 4 spare tires for a AN12 disembark from a YAK 40

... When Ground marshallers park you so your Jet blast is facing the Fuel storage and Bowser..

...... The airport is a good place for the workers to take a nap.

...... Being an alcoholic is a pre-requisite for being a customs,Immigration or security officer as well as being a chronic sleeper..

[flyboy2]

Only aircrew that have actually operated a lot into Africa, can understand any of this!
The rest of the world cannot comprehend nor understand how this can be?

[yambat]

Paying 16000 dolleros cargo tax for the privelage of delivering 35 tonnes of high protein food aid in one sub sahara paradise.

Told to track a radial inbound to the VOR while at the same time cleared to a very definitely not co located NDB

[Solid Rust Twotter]

Cleared to track inbound on a radial only to hear departing traffic cleared outbound on the same radial and through your level. WTF?!

Verifying the clearances given with ATC leads to no enlightenment so separation is maintained by comms between the two aircraft, cutting ATC out of the loop. This leads to sulking and long delays trying to get ATC to deliver further clearances.:ugh:

[Bloodhound]

Or someone being killed outright by a departing fuelbowser, whilst napping in its shadow, under the tires.

[Insane]

Being instructed to take up a hold over a beacon at the same ALT as two other a/c, ALL below MSA!

[Safetyman]

Short finals for Goma when a AN12 cuts in from no where (No broadcast..)

[booze]

Qickly, just 3 came into my mind:

-Paying all the ATC, Nav, Lights, etc. fees after doing a GPS approach (VOR, NDB is out of order since the colonials left...or stolen) during daylight while the ATC is having his praying time (not answering the radio of course)...

-Even if it's clear for the client that the a/c takes only 19 pax OR roughly 2 tonnes of cargo, they'll still try to make us loading both...

-French Air Force...

[CJ750]

AH AFRICA:mad:

Fly four hours to Kigali at night , descend and be told only overhead at
10 000ft that runway lights are U/S, PRICELESS.

At least the ATC did not run away..........................

[Mobotu]

Many Long Time PPruners may remember this - so for the newbe's....

You Know You've Been Flying in Africa Too Long When.......
________________________________________
- You can name the National Beer in most African Countries
- You know that 'Clear for immediate take-off - Trafic on final' means they are just crossing the piano keys
- A couple of Tuskers or Primus are perfectly acceptable equivalents to sex
- 6am preflight is - Two wings, Two engines and a Tail
- You know Pilot Activated Lighting is accomplished before entering the aircraft
- GPS approaches are not just prefered but required for international airports
- 'The Savanah' has become the bar 'Where everybody knows your name'
- You actually understand what everyone is saying - no matter what the country
- 'I have a headache' - is listed in the MEL as 'Minimum Required for flight'
- A WAC chart is best used inside CB's to cover the windscreen
- The Ohh's and Ahh's from the passengers are you best form of weather radar
- MTOW is not applicable for most flights
- 'Can we take it' means 'Will the door still close'
- Take Off Distance Required is only relevent if there are trees at the end of the Runway
- 'The weather is ok' almost always means inside where I am standing
- You consider single engine landings on a twin as recent experience for the VAN
- When you hear 'They're fighting again' you immediately respond YES AND....
- Your boss has propossed most entries in Jane's Aircraft Guide as suitable to be operated in Africa
- You stopped calling home long ago since they only ask when your comming to visit
- You can find the Red Light District whilst drunk and disorderly in any city
- A new pilot says he has heard of a great place to go 'The Florida 2000' - and you just smile and say sounds good!

TIME TO GO HOME!

[capnsparrow]

If you dont like it in Africa ,I suggest you go back to where ever you came from.I presume the're lots of jobs out there...you refered to a man as being a gorrilla ..how the hell did you pass your last medical ? you better go check your vision once again. Guys like you just keep on windging about everything around you but still stay on to fly here in Africa.:(

[CJ750]

Who are you referring to:ugh:

[oompilot]

Capnsparrow you are right. It is these so called gorillas that are destroying Africa and creating jobs for the ‘western world’. If it weren’t for their incompetence there would be far less food aid, medical aid, and humanitarian aid flying all around Africa.
One other thing you mention “stay on in Africa”. What a simpleton. Are you from some racist dark age that you assume, by the tone of your reply, that these comments have been made by Europeans, Americans or some “non African” I can guarantee you they have been made by Africans themselves. They may not be black, but Africans they will be. So they are entitled to stay right here in there home land, Africa and comment on the balls up that 99% of the majority voted governments are making of a once fertile and productive continent.

[126,7]

It was only a matter of time before somebody like capnsparrow came along to spoil a perfectly good thread.

[bluelearjetdriver]

Midnight in KRT a few weeks ago.....three aircraft arriving(including ours) and 1 departing. Somehow ATC managed to put us in conflict with ALL of them. It takes a special kind on incompetence to get that right. And why does it always smell like someone has taken a dump outside the L1 door when we open it?!?!?!?

On the positve side, the fuel is half price (yip $700/ton). However it is made with tears of squirrels.

Everytime I fly into africa I remember why I left it.

[Farmer 1]

Like being given the (unasked for) QFE for an airport with an elevation of over 3,000 ft.

[Soap Box Cowboy]

Don't recal reading about a Gorrila.

-The fire fighting crew obidiently suits up and gets in the truck for all arriving jet aircraft. Only problem is that the truck has no wheels. :ugh:

-The fire truck is burnt to a crisp whilst the firemen were off fighting a bush fire with their hands due to a lack of functioning equipment :}

-Arrive at airfield to find half of it in flames from before mentioned bush fire.

-A 421 looses it's nose gear due to the large divet caused by all the people crossing the runway at the same place and a lack of maintenance.

-Final landing checks include a low pass at the airfield, followed by a very low pass in order to chase off any, cows, dogs, goats, children, bycicle traders, dump trucks rebuilding the runway (very rare sight) guys on motor bikes who think they are faster than you :confused:

-People think you are trying to save the engines by doing a reduced power take off because you use all the runway. Not realising that you have worked out exactly how much the aircraft can take out if said runway at max power, thereby being ultra effecient and not having to leave anything behind.

-People think propelors are made of rubber and will not harm you if walked into, even if spinning at several thousand RPM.

-You think you have done something to piss off ATC since every time you fly they seem to want to kill you.

-The tower is now located on the roof of the airport building, under some orange tarp on a few couches. Whilst the origional was being repainted and had new AC's put in. Toilets in terminal have not worked propperly in over seven years.

-During certain times of year you may be one of the lucky few to have Korean or Vietnam war flash backs. As the air is filled with the gorgeous sights of ancient migs. And your in the middle of them all. All the while desperatly trying to land with insane commands from ATC. "Cleared to land 14, wait orbit to the left, one on final, ok cleared to land, oh wait I see another one turning final" :sad:

-Always have a camera with you, beautifull scenery and the highest chance of becoming an on scene reporter to some sort of air crash or disaster. Usually once a month or more in some places, if you don't get arrested first for being a spy.

-The ancient Migs at the end of the runway are considerded super top secret, even though they have not flown in years and will never fly again. Even though in plain sight, these aircraft are not really there, at least as far as anyone in the army or police is concerned. At least until you pull out a camera.

-Whilst off loading your passengers a fully loaded Hind gunship taxi's past to go take on some of the rebels.

-Jeppesen says "Fuel available" reality = no fuel in many years. Cue crash course in extreme flight planning and fuel economics that would do the Israeli airforce proud.

-The only way to get the ATC's attention is to pass low over the tower. Especially bad during the holidays.

-Weather reports are read out regardless of the actual conditions prevailing. Eg, cloud 2500 feet on a Cavok day. Or three mile vis in a thunder storm with enough water to drown a hippo in.

-The safest think to drink is the booze.

-Precision aproach at some airfields do not require the use of radio/nav aids (Mostly due to them no longer working) But consist of some hand drawn notes reading. "Follow railway line, take right fork, convigure for landing, keep going to football pitch, make hard left onto short finals. This approach can be done as long as you are visual with the ground and minimum descent altitude is two feet above highest obstacle. :}

-You know most if not all the voices on the radio :ok:

[MungoP]

Oh yes... and having watched the fueler dump a very large qty of Jet A1 around the a/c and subsequently requested a fire truck to lay foam over it... finally (45 min later) see the fire truck being pushed the length of the runway by 4 'firefighters'...

[capster]

cansparrow you are right i humbly retract my statement, I should never have insulted a gorilla like that.:}

[chuks]

I went somewhere or other in Nigeria, Bauchi I think, when I noticed signs of life around the sometimes tower (a parked car there) but replies to my calls got I none, so that I was getting a little bit piqued. Then there came a tiny, tremulous voice, "Sah, de controllah has gone to ease himself..."

"Is that the tower? Who is speaking please?"

"Aah, Sah, dis be de tea-boy..."

"Aah, Roger. I copy that, thank you. Standing by for clearance, entering left downwind for a visual to Runway (whatever)."

According to my German wife I am only white on the outside after too many years in Africa! According to Captain Probationary here I am just another racist. Probably the truth lies somewhere between these two but I think the wife might know what she is talking about.

You need to understand whether we are laughing with or at Africa in this, I think, when most of us are laughing with this crazy place.

[flyhardmo]

Capnsparrow lighten up and don't like there is nothing wrong. No one said we didn't want to be in africa. We're just having a laugh at the number of times it has tried to kill us. :ugh:

You need to understand whether we are laughing with or at Africa in this, I think, when most of us are laughing with this crazy place.
Chuks.. Right on mate :D

[Placido]

A clearance containing 6 different instructions take less than 2 sec to broadcast, then gets repeated 3 times more at the same tempo before doing it at a normal pace - and be relayed all the time!

ATC : ''Cleared to land, watch out for the goats on the runway!''

Taxiways closed because the stormwater drainage covers were stolen.

The local airforce is u/s, so you get chartered to move some local political types around. MUST be there at 06h30! They arrive at 15h30......Can't get start clearance because you didn't pay their leaders' passenger tax!
Can't get start clearance because the President (one of you pax) must leave before any civilian 'planes get start clearance.!!

Only in Africa will 3 independant sources guarantee the availability of fuel at destination, only to shrug at your request for fuel after arrival! '' It should come later today.''

There is a vibrant informal settlement both sides of the runway - pedestrians cross at well worn footpaths (areas away from paths should be avoided since minefields were never marked during any of the preceding conflicts)

[divinehover]

...when you lie under the wing having a smoke asking for start clearance with a hand held radio. No point in waisting a good a/c batt.

Great thread. It's been a while since I laughed to much at a thread.

[groundfloor]

There are 3 types of people in town: mercenaries, missionaries and misfits.

When the cops stop you at a roadblock at 1 am you all pile out and share the last beers with them and then weave your way home.

An intimate knowledge of local driving rules is required, also have to know which man hole covers are missing where - otherwise square wheels.

Part of the pax briefing is "don`t fart". Dried fish diets can be well.....

Your buddy clears the crowd/market off the runway and comes back only to land on a pig which he then has to pay for.

The chap "demanding landing fee`s" is cradling an ancient ak47 with a far away look in his eyes.

Every single FIR you cross needs enough info to fill in 3 flightplans...

MEL = if it starts you go.

Military traffic at same field is on UHF leading to just a little confusion, when you ask about the crater at the threshold.."My friend in mig 21 make 1 loop 2 loop no 3rd loop...

Every russian callsign going to the same dest as you always gives his eta as 1 min ahead of yours - supersonic illusions.:hmm:

You barter for fruit at one field, coffee at another and get cheap beer from yet another.

All the food you eat is flown in.

Engineer bursts out laughing when you query about why he has no masking tape and proclaims he will go and get it at the nearest hardware store which is, well 2 FIR`s distant.

Tower clears you to land and gives you weather from the METAR when the wind is 15 Kts from behind :}.

You know where to land on which runway ie left and then right to miss potholes and or ruts.

You do what you think was a really cool landing on a shortish runway with a B200 and some wiseass pisses a 727 in..:p

You have an inkling of the east west "other market" traffic at night over the dark continent.

"Wakup" from ATC = We Copy.

[EchoMike]

Departing Mohammed Murtala International Airport, Lagos 1994 - Latest coup du jour a fiat accompli only yesterday, hostile, suspicious, gimlet-eyed armed soldiers everywhere, hostile, suspicious, gimlet eyed armed security (in civvies) everywhere, confusion, conflicting information, air conditioning in the terminal hasn't worked since Khruschev dedicated it (he did, too), line up to go through metal detector please. No beep, go back. No beep, go back. Soldier: Keep going, it doesn't work anyway. (Had short, interesting and quite friendly conversation with same soldier later during his break, official or unofficial, don't know.) Down boarding tube to Air Egypt Airbus - serious pat-down and baggage examination by a guy packing a loaded sidearm (turns out soldiers in the terminal were never issued ammunition), Air Egypt was *serious* about their own security. After climb-out, exhale, I've gotten out alive . . .

Fascinating place - no idea what to make of it, my heart goes out to many of the people I saw/met/spoke with, but no idea what if anything I can actually do on their behalf. Chances for change for the better? I hope so, but fear not.

Glad to be home . . .

[Mobotu]

Don't forget the Passengers..... - again for new PPruners...

- When the only seats left are plastic ones
- When there are none left so you sit on a sack of rice
- When the hostess reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, then realises your seat doesn't have them
- When you cannot even see an emergency exit
- When they close the cattle ramp behind you and all you see is a wall of freight in front
- When a battery start begins with the installation of a cable through the emergency exit
- When you point the portable GPU's exhust out the cabin door and start it with pax inside (Fortunately you have earplugs)
- When parts of the interior regularly fall apart during flight
- When parts of the plane fall off in flight
- When one of the pax decides to boil water in the aisle and begins by lighting a fire (True story)
- When one of the pax tries to open the door at FL350 because it's too rough and wants out
- When the Captain announces 'We are now flying over.....' and one of the pax asks the hostess 'Can you ask the captain to drop me off here'
- When the pax, hostess and pilots ALL speak different languages
- When one of the pax flys the plane so the pilot can go to the toilet with no autopilot
- When the door opens in flight and it's the pax's job to close it
- When someone open the emergency exit as they are too hot
- When the pilot opens the emergency exit as it's too hot
- When live crocodiles are considered carry on baggage
- When the same crocodiles get lose (Oh boy!!!)
- When night falls, you are still in the air and the captain asks the pax if 'they' see a runway anywhere
- When you already noticed one engine stopped a while ago and the other begins to surge
- When you notice 45 mins into a 30 min flight that the captain is asleep
- When this happens and you only have a 30 min reserve (ie 15 mins remaining)
- When you now cannot seem to locate the runway
- When you consider - Then again crashing a plane is safer without fuel

TIME TO RETIRE!!!!!!!!

PS: Remember this thread is for those of us who have or those who would like to experience the Dream of Flying in Africa - it was intended as a little light relief and NOT to mock, slander or express ones political viewpoint - so please remember this when adding your stories or comments - We are all African's - Black or White - Born from the continent or Adopted by it! :rolleyes:

[126,7]

"Wakup" from ATC = We Copy.

I was listening to an exchange on 8888 a few years ago between UN202 and Luanda. The pilot gave the whole story incl POB, Endurance, Reg....everything only to be answered with a "Wakup" . So our diligent pilot says everything again only to get another "Wakup". This got him so the hell in that he just replied " no man, you wake up!" The whole exercise took nearly 10min. Was hilarious.

[flyhardmo]

...when your pi$$ing out of your a$$

....when during a 20min flight ATC asks you for number of board and endurance 17 times.

.... When ATC is talking to you and the collision warning horn is going off in the background..Then tells you to stby.( Dar es Salaam jockey's know what i'm talking about).. No working radar everywhere else..

..when cleared to join the 11 DME arc and ATC asking you every 5 sec's 'Whats your DME now'

..when you respond 'charlie charlie'

Pax actually look at the seat belt demonstration because they have never used one before. Or they can't get out of their seats because they don't know how to unbuckle the seat belt.

..When you ask to return to the apron because of a door unlocked light and tower asks if you need fire brigade assistance.

... When security say you can't take your leatherman with you but gives you a gun and bullets belonging to a pax.

...when you declare a mayday and ATC asks you to standby whilst continuing to talk to other traffic who is his relation.

[chuks]

There was a guy coming into Port Harcourt, Nigeria in an HS-125 who kept giving different distances each time he was asked. "50 D.M.E."

"Say again your distance?"

"48 D.M.E."

"Confirm 48 D.M.E.?"

"Distance now 45 D.M.E."

Well, he was doing something like 250 knots!

Finally the controller had enough and asked, "Ah! Ogah, why you say a different numbah every time?"

Another time we had a guy who was being a P.I.T.A., asking repeatedly for our position. I mean, EVERY 30 SECONDS. Finally I just replied, in my very best Captain Speaking tones, "I am sat up front." Silence, blessed silence, for the next ten miles!

Nigeria used to have Okada Airlines, operating the world's largest fleet of BAC1-11s. I would give my distance as 40 miles and an Okada would report 38 and be cleared Number One for Approach at Abuja. Next thing, I would call over the VOR but where was Okdada now? Ah, just 10 miles behind me! "We have reduced speed," would be the answer, which sounds so much better than "We are lying, greedy, undisciplined, little toe-rags."

So one learned to reply that our D.M.E. just went off, please stand by. Okada would then give their real distance, something like 50 miles, when I could then tell the truth and be cleared Number One. It is strange but true that a turbo-prop can outrun a BAC1-11 to the ramp close-in below 10 thousand feet if both are doing 250 knots to begin with.

[PitchandFan]

When six month old babies are raped to 'cure' AIDS.

When octogenarians are beaten to a pulp for being white.

People will burn down the station because of a delayed train.

Kids beg on the streets while their moms lie in the shade next to the road.

You need a criminal record to get into parliament.

Shiny sunglasses and numerous neckfolds equate to status.

YOu will burn down schools and cry that you have no education.

A police/customs/official badge equals access to unlimited riches.

...etc etc...

What a :mad: up place.:D:D Getting better by the day.

[chuks]

So we can mark you down as "one not quite so in love with the Dark Continent," I assume?

Nothing quite as bad happens in Geneva, I suppose. Or is it that nothing much happens in Geneva? Or are you just upset about the football and taking it out on poor old Mother Africa? Whatever...

[Agaricus bisporus]

Being told (seriously!) by the Chief Engineer, as he nervously re-adjusts his vast white turban, " I am zo zorry ve buggad up your Hot End, I vill bersonally vix it vor you, and I von't let vun of dose dam darkies dutch it!"

Sati, thank you. One of the best engineers I ever knew. God bless!



And my other favourite engineer a few yards down the flight line...

"Gladstone, sorry, but can you fix this?" (always at short notice)

(always with a smile) "OK!"

And he always did. God bless you too, Glad.

I loved my time in Africa. In 1800hrs I never paid chai, never broke down, and never had complaint against maintenance.

[cochise]

Ahhh florida 2000! Where every guy "looks like brad pitt"!:ok::}

[Chuck Ellsworth]

The difference between a tourist and a racist is three hours in Harare customs.

[Jumbo744]

I've spent almost 20 years in Africa, and 2 years as a Businessman, and yeah, I have to agree with most of the posts. Funny thread :ok:

[bluelearjetdriver]

LostandFound, quite clearly you have never lived and worked in africa. Africa is a ****e hole. Trust me I grew up, lived and worked there for 27 years. EVERYTHING that has been mentioned in this thread is true, and it gets worse. What's being dicussed are actually the funny bits.

[merlinxx]

Clearing 3,000' outbound of DNMM

[phydeaux]

Intercepting the glideslope during an ATP test when the testing officer is forced to grab the controls because an Antinov is also intecepting the same glide slope not on the frequency and is less then 200m ahead of you AND he intecepted the slope from above :\

[cochise]

UN: "UN... declaring an emergency, we have had an engine failure, returning to the field."

Juba tower: "UN... roger cleared to return to the field"

minutes pass...

Juba tower: "UN... keep your speed up I have alot of traffic!"

:D:}

A few more of my favs,

"Call again short, short final"
"Call again on ground, have a nice time"

and a fav for the "northerners"

"stttaaaccccion CCCHHAAAling KKKharrrrtoum, say again!"

:D

[JamesBiggles]

Here are a few of my experiences:

1. On short finals the ATC requests that we confirm safe on the ground as he can no longer see us or the runway over the tall elephant grass from his elevated position in the tower!

2. Setting up for the ILS at 5000' in the clag atc reports Cloud overcast 4000' and scattered at 1000', we execute the missed approach at 250' agl still in solid clag, request "confirm scattered cloud at 1000'" (thinking to myself in a bemused fashion what the :mad:?)??!!! Affirm comes the response, set up second approach and on the brink of commencing the second go around we get the runway visual. Confirming we have the runway visual ATC response: "rojjer, cled to lend" (roger, cleared to land). Taxiing to park, another aircraft joins overhead with the same weather report!!! Go figure.

3. File a flight plan over the phone, get to the field, request start only to be told they have no flight plan and I have to come to the tower and file a flight plan. I try objecting on the radio only to be met with the dreaded African silence treatment (you know the kind where you call ATC for hours as you pass through their FIR's only to get a "confirm crew, pax, a/c type?" question from atc just as you are about to exit there airspace so they can bill you for overflight clearances). Back to the story, I eventually give up, tell the pax to take it easy for 20 minutes and go file the flight plan....again! I must say, I never made that mistake again. Always only file at the field with the relevant personnel.

4. This one happened to crew I worked with and not me so perhaps allow a little poetic license:
ATC instructs them to execute one orbit to the left for traffic avoidance. Being the good crew that they are, they happily oblige and shortly thereafter they are cleared for the approach to land only to be met by a multitude of army and police personnel demanding why they flew over the kings/presidents palace, prohibited airspace, transgression of which is punishable by undefined jail sentence until it can be established if you were attempting some sort of coup. Anyway, the crew profess innocence and argue a lot saying they were instructed to orbit due to possible conflict with other traffic thereby trying to avoid a mid air collision and all end up in a smouldering head over the local market. The captain by now, bless him, has a complete sense of humour failure about this 'harrassment", throws all his toys out the cot and promptly gets arrested. In jail he is instructed to write a letter of apology to the King for disturbing his peaceful afternoon. He refuses, spends one night in an African jail and suffice to say by 6am next morning his letter of apology was forthcoming. African jails are not for the faint hearted.

5. I was once fined $300 for having a passenger board the aircraft without his pasport being stamped. Try as I might, I could not convince the chaps that customs and immigration are not my responsibility but there's and that I just drive the airplane. I paid the fine. The boss was a little miffed to say the least.

Lessons learnt
In Africa you always smile, be polite, be humble, wish everyone a wonderful day and pay your "fees" without making a fuss or cross examining their calculations. Generally they respond in kind and call you Captain or Commander even with two bars on your shoulders.Any other approach gets you nowhere fast. That is a fact as far as I am concerned.

[Farmer 1]

The President decides he is going flying, so the nation's capital's international airport is closed, without notice, until he takes off, or changes his mind.

Aircraft short of fuel having to divert, and making forced landings where they can.

Doesn't happen all that often, I admit.

Not more than a couple of times a month.

[Captain_djaffar]

haha...now that's a funny thread! keep on coming guys!
And capnsparrow, keep going!
This is all what somehow makes africa special and lovingly at heart.

ironically.....dark humour!!!

[Skyjuggler]

Some time ago, I was working tower and had been on my own for a couple of hours and need to head to the toilet. Nothing was happening but I was lucky to have a fellow in the tower repainting the walls. We'll call him Syfo. In any case, on the way down the stairs I told him that he must listen and when I get back tell me if any planes tried to speak to me. Down the stairs...(you know)... Up the stairs I come back into the tower and Syfo has the headset in his hand, and yelling on frequency, "Yes, you cen come lend!!!" The pilot (a young lady) was just saying "say again" incredibly confused...

I was laughing so much I couldn't talk for a good couple of minutes. When the pilot retold her end of the story I once again burst into a fit of giggles.:)

Having said that however, I was impressed that this young guy clearly had a good understanding of what it was that I was actuall doing. Bravo:D:D

[Carrier]

Quote: "File a flight plan over the phone...."

Where were you that the phone system was actually working? You must have been in the (relatively) advanced part of the continent! I either filed in person at Briefing/Tower or air filed.

[Jumbo744]

skyjuggler good one :ok:

[NIJASEA]

Before departing for a particular field i got the WX and was told CAVOK, After a 30min flight on finals we got a CAVOK report at MDA we had no sight of the runway and carried out a missed approach with the controller screaming at me why I did not land, I told him I could not see the runway and his reply was " I COULD SEE YOU ":ugh: :D:D:D.

[MungoP]

Farmer 1

The President decides he is going flying, so the nation's capital's international airport is closed, without notice, until he takes off, or changes his mind.



Yes....but not limited to Africa... same thing happens when the Pres of the Good O'l USofA flies in or out... Clinton kept LAX closed for over an hour by having his hair cut aboard AirForce 1 before departing... And the super-cretin Bush had Heathrow closed only a week or so ago...

But... getting back to Africa (hopefully never again)... another comes to mind... Having to undergo a CAA check on our ops in Kinshasa ( can you imagine ? :hmm: ) ... the two guys are checking out my FAA ATPL and decide it's not valid as it doesn't show my photograph and want to fine me $500... I point out that FAA ATPLs don't show a photograph... they go into their book and show me a photocopy of the new FAA license which depicts.... a photo of Orville and Wilber Wright ... :} Now... where do I begin ?

[AfricanEagle]

Memories of a then very young pax:

- on a flight to Gaberone Captain coming over the PA "It, err, seems we have arrived ahead of schedule, descent will be very steep"

- sharing the transit lounge in Luanda with rats bigger than cats

- at Lusaka, after a DC8 landed without it's front gear, walking out of the pax terminal and standing on the side of the runway looking at it while the fire engines arrived.

[GNU]

As a new member I considered “Lumumba” as a nomme de keyboard out of respect for “Mobotu”, who introduced me to this site and conferred honorable martyr status on my would be namesake by slightly murdering him back in the 1960s. Ah yes, those were the days, before GPS when none of us knew where we were all the time. When Africa was really Africa, with benevolent white colonial dictatorships, as opposed the modern trend towards benevolent black democratic dictatorships.

Well, no. I chose Gnu instead, because they are superficially silly animals, but have a surprising collective intelligence. Who else surround themselves with nice stripy zebra targets while dining al fresco? Gnu skin rugs shoes and handbags have never been considered to be hot fashion accessories, and it won’t be a gnu’s head nailed to a shield on the wall in a Bavarian banquet hall. So what if we lose a few kids to the lions? We have short memories and can always have fun making some more. WE, are not the endangered species.

Yes Mobotu, we have all seen it. The traditional crocodile skin carry-on hand baggage. Long and flat and very much full of live crocodile, with an evil disposition, brought about no doubt by the prospect of featuring in a star role in an upcoming menu.

But I digress from the thread, or more accurately, have come nowhere near it yet.

TALKING TO CONTROLLORS.

Can be a very useful and enlightening experience leading to helpful cooperation, but a few guide lines or reminders might be in order.

African culture demands very high standards in manners and etiquette. One has to be cautious in ones methods when broaching ticklish subjects.

On no account should you bring bad news. This is a serious breach of tradition, which in the old days was the starting signal for some swift assegai practice. Modern culture is more reasonable and might result in a mere “Proceed to the VOR and hold” which is unpleasant never the less.

It is of course impolite to come to the point directly. One needs to take the time to discuss some traditionally pleasing subjects first, such as when the rains are due to start, or if already raining, when they are due to stop. Be sure to know whether this refers to the long or to the short rains, and the difference between the two. (One being long and the other short)

Another subject which is popular and pleasing concerns free travel arrangements for the subject and his wives, children, close relatives and work colleagues. In this context “Lobi”, and “Lobi Kuna” might be useful words to know. (Roughly translated meaning “later”, and “much later”, or strangely enough, “before” and “much before”, the difference being determined with hand signals, which leads to confusion and misunderstandings on the phone.)

It might be wise to show some sympathy for a controller’s difficulties. That it is not his fault for example, when the VOR, DME, NDB, ILS and HF radio are not working because 14 kilometers of overhead power cable went missing one night, the stealthy culprit and his get away truck being unnoticed by 5,000 people living in the vicinity when plunged into sudden darkness. The police we hear are looking for an individual trying to sell or trade a suspiciously long piece of wire.

With the niceties dispensed with, after a decent length of time, the real subject for discussion might proceed. (A bit like this piece of thread)

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my thanks and appreciation to the controller who brought this mission to a particularly satisfying conclusion.

When the Russian pilot, 40 miles out and trying to jump in front of us again, called “Rrready forr viiisual appoooch”, the said controller promptly cancelled his IFR flight plan and told him to proceed VMC to the river and hold.

There is a nice black god somewhere.

[Farmer 1]

MungoP,

Yes, I had the same two events in my mind when I posted. Not quite the same, though, are they? I've no doubt there would be the odd notam about them, and I'm sure ATC did not simply shut up shop.

That must have been the most expensive haircut in history. Any estimates, anyone?

[Storminnorm]

I was on a trip to Lagos on a 767.
We were just sitting on the apron watching the general
antics involving a local, to remain un-named, 737-200.
They had over booked the aircraft so, to settle things,
they brought all the pax out on to the apron, lined them
all up, dropped a FLAG and they had to run twice round
the aircraft.
First 130 to finish got a seat!
The lucky ones got to go home until the next day,or, if
needed, oxygen.
I have never seen anything like it, before or since.Hilarious.:D

[chuks]

We used to operate a late flight from Warri Air Strip to Lagos which departed at the same time as another operator's, both of us using Twin Otters. It was a matter of whoever got going first, when Number One would go at FL80 and Number Two would take FL100 so that we could fit in with the non-radar Lagos environment. This was just a gentleman's agreement to avoid being tied in knots on arrival and it usually worked just fine.

I had flown with the other outfit too, and now one particularly bumptious former co-pilot was sat there across the field as my rival captain.

While we were starting we had our aircraft faced out towards the perimeter so that we only saw each other once we had turned around but of course we knew each other's voices. I was pretty quick on the draw but this time there was the opposition also ready to go, both engines running and all. Sometimes you could catch them calling for taxi with just one engine running and the pax still boarding, just trying to jump the queue in the true Nigerian manner but this time he was ready fair and square.

Not a lot of people know this but the safest place to be when sharing your air space with someone young and thrusting is above and behind him, so that I said we would let them go first if they wished. No, we could go first, came the answer. "What in the world?" was all I could think to myself. I never knew young Captain X to take second place to an Oyingbo before; what was he up to?

So off we went, climbing to FL80. Next thing, our following traffic says they need to stop climb at FL60 because "my co-pilot has an ear problem." Well, with an "ear problem" they would have gone right down on the deck, so this seemed to be an "ego problem." He was going to show that he could get there first using superior airmanship, the little toad. Plus he probably was going to screw me by hanging there below and behind me as long as possible before descending, putting me close in and high to have to do descending orbits over the approach fix.

I could not believe it when Lagos Approach had their radar working for the first time in years, that afternoon. They gave us both squawks, identified his aircraft as being something like eight miles in trail and sent him off on a loooong delaying vector to follow Number One, us! Bwhahahah! What are the odds on that happening twice?

Later he parked his Twin Otter in a banana grove, to general and unrestrained merriment among some of the local pilot population (me, at least). (The Twin Otter has a way of sometimes slewing the nose wheel to full travel left or right if you don't first check that it is centered after take-off and then check it again before landing. If you are careless enough to miss those checks then you may get a very, very close look at the scenery off to one or the other side of the runway as you lower the nose during landing. A definite case of "hero to zero" as your perfect landing, two squeaks from the mains, turns into a big squawk from the nosewheel and a windscreen filling with greenery.)

I would feel a lot better if I didn't think there was something like this, perhaps, in my future too!

[Storminnorm]

We had the misfortune to hit one of the local ****ehawks
going into NBO one day.
We reckoned, from the damage caused to the engine, the
B*st*rd had been wearing a hardhat and carrying one hell
of a tool-box at the time.
A replacement motor was duly dispatched ex-UK and arrived
in NBO whilst the old motor was dropped and placed in a local
Customs area to avoid having to pay "Import duty".
The new engine was also put into the same "bonded" area
when it had arrived and discussions started about how much
"Duty" would be charged to release it for fitment. It got dark.
You can imagine what a busy night it was, transferring all the
bits from the old "knackered" engine onto the replacement.
The following day the Company told Customs that they had
decided to refit the "original engine" which was duly done
leaving the costly "replacement" in the bonded area until
local discussions took place . I think it's still there.
Anyone looking for a cheap JT3D,3B?

[Jumbo744]

STORMINORM, are you serious ?? :oh: (about the passengers running around the plane to get a seat)

[Storminnorm]

Yes, Absolutely seriously Serious!
We wondered WIHIH at first, but found
out about the bum/seat discrepancy
from the dispatcher later.
By then we were rolling in the aisles!:D
PS And also about the Oxygen for some
of the more senior would be PAX!

[Jumbo744]

lol this is crazy! :ok:

[Storminnorm]

No, not crazy, Africa!!
On our second night stop, the Capt & Troll dolls
decide to venture into town to a SEAFOOD eaterie.
I did warn them, but to no avail, they had been told
that it was an excellent restaurant.
I stayed in the Hotel and had omelette & chips, having
been to the area before!
Despite the warning I still had to assist in the cabin on
the way back, ( Via Kano!), due to several of the totties
being, shall we say "unwell".
Funny thing is, the A/C was on charter to Shell Natural Gas.
Boy Oh Boy could you smell it in that cabin!

[Jumbo744]

LOL, yeah when I go to a restaurant I don't know in Africa, I just take fries and a grilled steak. Safest meal!

[Mobotu]

African cuisine requires a matured palate and even at times cast iron constitution so as no to embarrase yourself when presented with favourites by your would-be hosts such as Juicy Large White Live Suculent Worms - Let's see Gordon Ramsey do that without a F..k Me!

One such experience revolved around a tube of locally produced luncheon meat, the reveared African Coke bottle and an early morning flight into rebel territory......

Having loaded the interior of the Aztec full of plastic containers containing Avgas for the 10 hour round-trip - Uncle Sam (Not his real Name) set off to rescue a group of mine workers under seige in rebel territory - luncheon meat and Coke at his side.

His only sollace this fine morning as he flew eastwards, low level above the tree tops was the portable ICOM HF radio connecting him with the home base and the constant chatter of the company operations personel.

After a couple of hours of this he decided breakfast was in order and proceeded to attack the meat by his side with his Leatherman like a wild animal - grasping red chunks between his thumb and the sharpened blade - ah fine dining African style he scoffed as he swilled a mouthful of Coke down his gullet to mute the strong aftertaste of the unknown meaty surprise.

Within 30 minutes he was wishing the butcher and the dog catcher who supplied him a quick and untimely death as he wrenched in pain trying to hold back the tide just like placing ones finger in a dyke while the plane ebbed and bounded with every flinch he made.

His desperate call to operations for help was quickly answered fearing mortal danger was immenent and death would surely result within minutes. After a brief but painful explanation, Sam who was by now reduced to tears as the green carpet stretched out in front of him and salvation slipped beyond his grasp, while the operations personel were reduced to a couple of hysterical laughing hyenas as he detailed the situation and considered ****ting there and then in his pants.

Then he heard the words of God above him - or so he thought at first - "Use the Coke Bottle" - his boss had been summoned and was taking matters into his own hands. Now Sam was a good pilot and held a degree in enginering but for the life of him could not envision how "That would work", frustrated by now he was ready to blow!

Next came instructions from the speaker above detailing in James Bond style how to scalpt a brown bomb using a leatherman and un upturned Coke bottle - which when finished and placed between the two front seats transformed the Aztec into the most holy place Sam would ever know! The experience was in fact religious and akin to the parting of the Red Sea or the deliverence of the Ten Commendment's to Moses.

When finished the words of God continued - "now open your storm-window and point outwards" - the stench will be worse than a taste he was assured - now "drop vertically" and breath a sigh of relief. Sam followed carefully and precisely all that he was instructed to perform and calm was restored once more to the African Skies!

So the moral to the story - in Africa you can always make a plan - I have heard on occasions aircraft making in-flight diversions or emergency landings on roads for toilet emergencies in light aircraft. Coke bottles although versitile are not unique - plastic shopping bags and UNHCR tarps are perfectly acceptable equivilents. You just have to think Outside of the Box!:eek:

[Doodlebug]

A pax dropped a coil in the aisle of a WFP 200 once, inbound Luanda. Not much thinking outside of the box there :mad:

[flyhardmo]

A pax dropped a coil in the aisle of a WFP 200 once, inbound Luanda. Not much thinking outside of the box there

I tend to disagree doodlebug.. If you look at the the thought and action process it was totally outside the 'thunderbox'.
'must $hit.....where? there is no roadside in here....
What about the aisle? It looks good...OK'

You know your in africa when you're getting screwed around by ATC, You get extremely annoyed.. 'You çun+' you say
and the reply is 'I can' :D

[Solid Rust Twotter]

...Or the captain, struck by a sudden attack of the Angolan Arse Clenchers makes use of the coolbox without removing the passengers' lunch first. Be very afraid - Captain R. "Coolbox" C****** is still out there somewhere and has no problem crapping on your sandwiches....:E

[lostINgp]

your in africa when a passenger pulls out his memeber and has a piss on the tyre of the pax bus, and this was at CAPE TOWN INT today, still cant believe it

[V1... Ooops]

You know you are in Africa when no government department will accept the currency of their own country for payment of fees, licences, etc... :)

[Habari]

You know you are in Africa when on Monday you fly in 250 "boy soldiers" into a war zone and then on Thursday return to pick up 200+ in body bags and nobody is waiting back at base to receive them. No other continent places such low value on life.

[DashRiprock]

Pilot: May I take runway 14 if available.
ATC: Your cleared right base 14,

Pilot:There is traffic on the runway, will it be clearing soon?
ATC: Cleared to land 14

Pilot: Were turning final runway 14 and there is an airplane sitting sideways on the runway.
ATC: I told you were cleared to land 14!

Pilot: DAR TOWER! There is an airplane broke down on the runway and were 2 miles FINAL!

ATC: Continue Circling there is a VIP about to taxi.

Pilot:TABANAK! You are a terrible controller.

In a voice over the radio, "PEW PEW PEW!" And Monkey "OOO OHH HA HA HAH!"

[Storminnorm]

250 out on Monday? 200 back in bodybags on Thursday?
That is just TOO sad to think about.
:sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad::sad: :sad::sad:
And no-one gives a monkeys toss?

[JG1]

You know you're in Africa when....


you don't get paid:ouch:

[Spaced Out]

ROTFLMAO - rolling on the floor laughing my ass off

How true, funny to read about it afterwards though :ok:

[PitchandFan]

Habari, maybe they should send guns with the "soldiers". Might help the odds of coming home in a seat instead of a bag.:hmm:

[Majutes]

Last week SAX in Lubumbashi was having probs understanding there taxi instructions for parking. This really upset the tower. They where then instructed to "hold position and expedite". Not to sure what they did but the French fellow next to me just exploded. Gave me something to smile about.

Great thread. Keep it up.

[HansFlyer]

You are in Efrica when you can buy the ATP exam paper and answers and blame the colonialists for the fact that they made it so difficult that you have to do it?
:rolleyes:
:{

HF

[MungoP]

Talking of Lubumbashi...
Inbound from Kisenge in a B200... ie: from the west: logically (wind considerations etc) would try to land 07.. "

TWR: You must land Runway 25

us: errr... any chance of 07... what's the wind ?

TWR: No wind ... land runway 25

us: OK landing runway 25

TWR ... Can you land short ?

( if I remember Lub has about 7000ft )

us: errr.. yes but why...

TWR: you must land short.

On arrival for the downwind we see a DC8 and its various detached pieces scattered liberally along the runway.

[Bucket]

:)

Guys, you have to stop. The tears of laughter mean I simply cannot read anymore. Please, someone put this in a book.

:p

[hbloom]

had zim atp,funny i have never been to zim !!

[GULF69]

i've flown a SA MINISTER on a charter in a King Air once... the BE20 didnt have a toilet, so when she couldnt hold her pee in any longer (after being told to go before take off) she proceeded to do her business IN THE BAR BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Brings new meaning to "getting pissed on booze"

[Check Airman]

I've been reading this thread, and tears have been flowing the entire time:D

Funny thing is, I wanted to start just such a thread. Thanks Mobotu.

Mods, any chance we can have it pinned to the top of the forum, sort of like the ATC humour thread?

[mlindb]

...when the "controller" clears you to taxi into the runway and when you are in the theshold he clears a big Antonov to land in the opposite runway (Goma).

...when you are instructed to report five miles out, then on final, then on short final (despite the fact that you are the only airplane flying at that time) and finally on the ground, although he can see you on the runway (also in Goma).

[208Bogey]

Dont forget the 'controller' shouting loudly at you mid go around because you had the audacity to take evasive action to avoid the AN12 he cleared onto the runway seconds before you touchdown. "why u go around I tell u land".

And of course theres nothing more rewarding than finding the starving people you risk your life to save have helped themselves to the contents of the first aid kit whilst you were concentrating on avoiding the CB's.

Anyone who has been to goma will never forget the sight of a well overloaded AN12 flying off the end of the runway and staying in ground effect over the town and lake for about a mile before managing to get to flying speed. Its also always exciting watching a clapped out DC-9 with no brakes trying to stop on the downhill runway with a 15 knot tailwind and a wall of lava looming closer.

cant wait to get back there...

[chuks]

I was going into Sokoto, Nigeria one afternoon, the only airplane within 100 miles, I think.

I had called within range and passed my estimates. Then I called again ten miles out and again on short final. About then the tower lost power and went onto some crummy little battery-powered radio, so that the controller couldn't really make out much except that some airplane was calling on the tower frequency. Now who might that be?

Sherlock there was shouting down his radio insisting that the mystery aircraft identify itself when all he would have had to do was to look out the big windows to see my Cessna there all lit up on final, right on ETA!

Another time we were waiting in the VIP waiting room there for our passengers, when my Nigerian co-pilot decided to use the toilet. Unfortunately for him, he chose the one that was reserved for the VVIP, the Sultan or Emir or Sardauna or whatever he was called, so that the surly custodian locked the door while he was in there!

Some time later I wondered what had become of him, so that I went looking, when I heard muffled cries of distress emanating from the V.V.I.P. B.O.G. Once we had negotiated his release a heated discussion ensued between the custodian and the co-pilot, who happened to be a minor prince from Yorubaland. That cut no ice with this fellow from Sokoto, of course, when it came to defiling the holy of holies at the airport!

[capster]

ATC : (Callsign), cleared XYZ, After departure right turn out squawk 7700

American CHC crew, very drily : Uhhhhh, thats the emergency code sir.

ATC : eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh, I say again squawk 7700

Yanks : Uhhh, we are negative emergency sir.

ATC : STANDBY

about a min later he clears them to takeoff and refuses to mention anything about squawk codes, the CHC guys just said to him "We will be squawking 2000"

Amazing!!

[chuks]

One day we got something like 37234 as the squawk, when one of those "Do what I tell you to do because dis be my country" discussions ensued for a short while.

Another time we got something like 3782, which led to another, similar discussion.

Of course we have all had to turn to heading 370 or make a right turn to 350 from heading 355 but that could happen anywhere, I guess.

One day I was on my way to Abuja when my buddy the Prince said there was an Airbus at our 3 o'clock and three miles, same heading.

"Ah yes, well. It is often so that another aircraft will appear to be at the same altitude when it is actually two thousand feet higher or lower. Let us see now... DAMN!"

Yes, well, there was a pefectly reasonable explanation. We departed Lagos for Abuja ten minutes ahead of A310 Whiskey Tango Whatever, cleared to F230, ETA ATD plus 1:10. The A310 departed Lagos at our ATD plus ten with an ETA of our ATD plus 1:00, cleared to F230. So we had ten minutes separation at each end. What happened in the middle, well...

The funny thing with that one was that ATC ignored their attempted homicide but tried to hang me the next week for doing a perfectly legal VFR departure from Lagos with an en-route transition to an IFR arrival at Abuja.

The very same A310 captain got all torqued when the little Cessna just blasted off while he was stuck there waiting for an IFR clearance that was never going to be delivered, due to some ATC industrial action. I could go 65 miles at 1 500 feet without burning all my fuel, when he couldn't, I guess. Life is unfair: get over it.

Since he was also some kind of Line Training Captain with some status at the NCAA he went whining like a little bitch to them to see if he couldn't get justice. I found it grimly funny that a gross error went ignored while a non-event had me trekking back and forth to see if I might not say something, anything, incriminating. Nigeria at its best, that was.

[Solid Rust Twotter]

...when you are instructed to report five miles out, then on final, then on short final (despite the fact that you are the only airplane flying at that time) and finally on the ground, although he can see you on the runway...

Bet you he had his girlfriend in the tower and had her dripping all over the floor with his masterful handling of traffic by the end of his shift (if he waited that long).

[GULF69]

Hahaha Sdt... "end Of His Shift" In More Ways Than One.... :}:}:d

[Doodlebug]

A Namibian Air Farce officer had just returned from China, where he had attended the ground-school for some or other chinese turboprop heap that said military had procured. On inspecting the lineup of aged 335 piston 'push-pulls' that represented the cream of the crop of Namibian military might, he discovered that ALL the props were broken! Dutiful to the end, the Major-General-Admiral found a blade-paddle and proceeded to repair the defective props.. by cranking them into the feathered position! I believe he 'fixed' about four 335's before someone managed to stop him. :p

[Storminnorm]

It always used to amaze me that, no matter how hard you
tried to hide them, any empty engine oil or hydraulic oil cans
were snapped up AT ONCE.
The locals had millions of uses for them, from making toys or
jewellery, to using them as cooking pots!
I did think of starting a business exporting them to Africa at
one stage. Could've made a fortune, (NOT).
They never seemed to have the same appeal to the Africans
if you actually GAVE them the empties.
I reckon part of the game was to quietly slip them away from
you without you actually noticing.
I used to upset things sometimes by crushing the cans !
Not a very popular move!;)

[Fropilot]

As a professional and I mean just that what I find most disgusting and disturbing is that it is the pilots from outside Africa looking to build up hours who tend to end up in Africa and start making stupid jokes about the system when they are the cause of 50% of the ****-ups themselves.

Africa has a long way to go, but what complicates the equation is outsiders who come to build up their hours, officials corrupted by outside money and many other system faults.

Watch this space for an African Miracle coming to a place near you.

[Jumbo744]

I have never flown in africa as a pilot yet, only as a passenger, but I have lived there for 20 years and I've been running a business there for 2 years. You cannot imagine all the bullsh*** you can encounter when working there and trying to do a clean, legal, professional job. There is no reason Aviation shouldn't be managed the same way countries are managed over there, it must be terrible and chaotic. And I have confirmation from my brother who flew there for 5 years before moving on to an international airline, he told me crazy stories about the african sky you wouldn't believe.

And this is Africa, you can't do anything about it, just live with it and deal with it.

I really don't think that those pilots from outside or inside africa are responsible for the system. I'm sure that if it wasn't for their awareness and professionalism there would be far more accidents in that region of the world.

Also, the posts in this thread are not jokes, they are facts and situations that really took place.

Have you ever been to Africa? You really cannot understand Africa until you have lived there for some time.

[Cubbie]

"empty engine oil or hydraulic oil cans were snapped up AT ONCE".....
-Had the same in Moz with cig buts, emptied two ashtrays out at the side of the apron, not a sole in sight, walk 10 meters back to the aircraft,came back with another ashtray full of buts and I couldnt find the previous pile- all gone!-taking great care to watch this time notice 2 'scruffs' just crawl out of the woodwork,- amazing!
Re African Atc ,-was once over Zambia when an engine let go with a violent bang, so declared an emergency and plan to divert to the nearest airport which was Lusaka-controller came back with "Arrr eessh we are too busy we cannot accept you, please go to Ndola!"....yea right I just declared an emergency who has priority over me..vip?!

[chuks]

It is a fair point to raise, whether the expats contribute to the mess that can be African aviation or whether they are partially responsible. I think you need to spend some time there first before you can understand the situation.

The funniest part of that one is how often we see well-meaning people, all warm and fuzzy, coming to Africa with their liberal ideals. After about three days of being thoroughly worked over by these poor, little, semi-retarded, disadvantaged Africans whom they think they love (why?) there they are in the bar, spitting venom and saying they should drop the Bomb on the place. Yeah, well, turns out the indigenes are fully-formed, often highly intelligent adults who make the perfectly informed decision to take full advantage of these idealistic schnooks.

I used to see them come, the Chosen Ones sent to reform aviation in Africa with their wisdom, superior airmanship and their compassion. I used to hear them losing their rags with ATC. And then I used to see them go.

The record-holder in my last outfit was the 24-hour German. Okay, to be fair it was maybe 27 hours if you count the time between the arrival of LH560 and the departure of LH561. He came in the bar freaked out over having seen a group of black men with guns on the corner of the main road from the airport (police, actually) and decided that Lagos just wasn't for him.

Guys would rock up, lose the plot and disappear over the horizon cursing the entire Nigerian nation and every sick, racist, white bastard who was working there, all in the name of African reality failing to conform to their precious, little liberal preconceptions.

On the other hand, this Swedish lady showed up to be shocked by my crude ways with our local driver when he missed a turn-off I had been pointing out for 500 metres. "It is that one right there so slow down now... We are almost there and you are going to miss it... HERE! Turn HERE, godammit! Oh, FARK! That was it back there, you dozy git! Call yourself a driver! My granny could have made that and you missed it after staring at it for 500 metres! Now we have to go 3 klicks, turn around, drive through that nasty slum area and turn back to show up late for the client's Christmas party. If you miss it on the way back you are sacked!" Blah-blah-blah... the Oyingbo is blowing big, big grammar again, ho-hum... Like when you shout at your dog for eating your slippers, actually.

So Inger was shocked by meeting this crudely-spoken maniac. Fast forward three months and it was Inger who would go to the driver to say, "You stink. Here is soap. Go wash." (He really could skunk out our little Mexican-built Nissan if he went about three or four days without a bath. I guess he ate a lot of spicy stuff. We men used that to keep the car for ourselves but Inger was made of finer stuff.) She was not stupid and she clicked on the idea that this was not Sweden, actually, where a weakling would have retired hurt.

[GroskinTheFlyer]

Jumbo744, in Nigeria, an Austrian and his firm,Avstatel or Avatel(not sure of the name), along with 2 ex mimisters, are being charged for stealing money meant to revamp the bad ATC system you guys are mocking.The bad things happening here are partly as a result of the cooperation of expats from Europe and and other developed countries and our leadership.:sad:

[chuks]

Whatever next, white crooks co-operating with black crooks!

Most of us posting here, I think, are low-level guys. Not that we are pillars of virtue, just that we do not usually have the chance to pervert the system to line our pockets even if we wanted to.

It is not that we want to zing the poor old Africans, as if to say that they are the only ones to make a mess of things but here it is the African system under discussion.

If you get told, every bl**dy day, to "Squawk Alfa XXXX..." because this dozy git thinks "Alfa" means "Altitude," well, this sort of thing does engender a certain attitude towards African ATC and Africans in general.

What, you mean "Charlie" refers to altitude and "Alfa" refers to the numerical code itself? How does that make any sense? (It beats me but it is so and you could look that up for yourself if you could find a copy of the relevant ICAO publication in this hole of an office you inhabit with crap scattered everywhere.)

How often I would explain, chapter and verse, what ICAO had to say about this or that when I could literally see the information zizzing right through that thick skull like a neutrino or whatever those thingies are that can pass right through the Earth itself without even slowing down.

It was as if to ask, "Will knowing this make me a better, safer pilot?" (Yes, of course it will, you stupid git! We are not alone here in the African skies; there are many people here from other lands where they expect SARPS to apply. Boring stuff such as keeping that transponder on even when out of radar contact, so that the other crew's TCAS has a chance to prevent a mid-air.)

Followed closely by, "Will anything bad happen to me if I ignore this white clown and stick to the local way of doing things half-baked, the way I prefer to do them? (No, of course not; this is, after all "Your country!")

I had to point out this transponder business one afternoon to a crew from a rival company after we had a close one. This time we were in the clear and could see them busting an altitude right in front of us, when there was nothing showing on the TCAS. We asked, politely, ATC to ask them if they were, perhaps, squawking Oscar November there, when they suddenly appeared. Whoah, ju-ju!

So when I went over to tell them about this miracle, life-saving gizmo we had, the answer was, well, why should they turn on their transponder when they did not have TCAS themselves. You know, what diffo would it make to them?

I just stood there gawking at the sheer stupidity of this before gathering my thoughts to point out that it was usually so that both parties to a mid-air collision ended up dead, hmmm? "Oh, yeah, I guess so..." was the response, but I really don't know if they got my point or not.

Never mind SARPS, they had their own, time-honoured, local way of doing things. One more switch to flip, sigh... What is the point, when mid-airs are so rare?

[nugpot]

your in africa when a passenger pulls out his memeber and has a piss on the tyre of the pax bus, and this was at CAPE TOWN INT today, still cant believe it

You probably saw I had him arrested for his own safety. His car was in the parking lot.

As a professional and I mean just that what I find most disgusting and disturbing is that it is the pilots from outside Africa looking to build up hours who tend to end up in Africa and start making stupid jokes about the system when they are the cause of 50% of the ****-ups themselves.

Africa has a long way to go, but what complicates the equation is outsiders who come to build up their hours, officials corrupted by outside money and many other system faults.

Watch this space for an African Miracle coming to a place near you.

The miracle is that some of the guys posting here are still prepared to ply their trade in Africa and having given up and left the locals to their lot.....

Finally from the old RSA and homelands: Flying a low level nav exercise in a noddy jet, I pass close to Pilanesberg ATZ and decide to give the tower a courtesy call to check for traffic.

"Ahh, B47D, you are cleared to land runway 27. Do you require transport to the casino?"

[Shrike200]

Africa has a long way to go, but what complicates the equation is outsiders who come to build up their hours, officials corrupted by outside money and many other system faults.

Yeah, it's those nasty outsiders, it's all their fault... :E

To add to the list: You know you're in Africa when they're blaming somebody else for everything!

And.....I never realised you could actually discriminate against money! ;) 'Outside' money?

[Happydays]

You Know You Are In Africa When.....beer is cheaper than fuel.

[planecrazi]

You know you're in Africa when the police helicopter gets shot down (http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/News/0,,2-7-1442_2351967,00.html)

Johannesburg - A police helicopter has crashed, injuring of the three occupants, after being shot at by robbers in Meadowlands, Soweto on Friday morning.

"They were helping the Dog Unit pursue armed robbers at the time and were shot at," said police spokesperson Captain Dennis Adriao.

According to Johannesburg Emergency Services the helicopter hit power lines before crashing.

All three occupants were airlifted to Johannesburg's Milpark Hospital in a very critical condition, spokesperson Percy Morokane said.

The incident happened at around 09.20.

[Storminnorm]

How were they helping the DOG unit pursue robbers ?

I suppose they had a bloodhound on a bit of rope ?
Wouldn't surprise me at all !!

Next time get a longer bit of rope !!!!!:ugh:

Fropilot, what's this "African Miracle coming to
a place near you" that you mentioned in post 94 ?
Don't tell me the Messiah will turn up in Lusaka
or somewhere like that ?:eek:.
Or will it be Luton , and he'll be Blick?;)

[mlindb]

...when you ask the "controller" what is the other traffic position (whose ETA is exactly the same as yours) and he answers, with an increasing pitch of his voice: "you are visual, you have to look for traffic!" Oh, Goma, I will always remember you.

[mlindb]

...when you go to the pub and all local women smile at you.

[Storminnorm]

How frightening is that?:}

[mlindb]

Not frightening at all, but only happens in Africa (for a price) :ok:

[Storminnorm]

Just my point Mlindb, for a price.:*

[K.Whyjelly]

Just my point Mlindb, for a price.:*


And that price was a paltry couple of drinks in The Cotton Club in Libreville...................................













so a mate told me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:}

[208Bogey]

...when your aircraft "burns" exactly 50 lbs of jet-A per side whilst parked on the apron overnight.

[Agaricus bisporus]

When, in a bar with a ciggy in one hand and a Tusker in the other, a hand curls cunningly around your tadger and a voice asks softly from behind, "You like me?"

[Nightfire]

> ...a hand curls cunningly around your tadger and a voice asks softly from behind, "You like me?"

...and later you discover that this hand not only grabed your control-column, but also your wallet.

[20driver]

It has being over 30 years since I was in Africa and it all sounds way too true.
Like a weird drug I miss the place.
I guess you just have to be (ing) there.
20driver

[chuks]

Just this morning we rocked up at the appointed time on the ramp at DAUH. No shuttle bus in sight and the temperature already heading past 40° at 8:30 a.m.

We show up every day at the same time, five days a week. Is the bus ever there waiting for us? Say what?

The fuel bowser takes everything in strict rotation, so that if you see an An-12 on the ramp you just know you are screwed! My Twotter takes 15 minutes to top off but they drive right past to spend an hour pumping kerosene into that dinosaur.

It's okay though; I like standing around in the sunshine getting a thrill from the feeling of sweat dripping off my goolies. It is one of those kinky thrills I just never dreamt of when I decided to become a professional pilot.

I just never appreciated the pleasure to be derived from a summer rainstorm in northern Europe. Water falling out of the sky... whatever next?

The other morning a bull camel gave me, "Oy, you! You looking at my cow?" Fark! Turns out I should have screamed, shouted and waved my arms or at least thrown him a breadroll. Instead I just turned and stared at him with a rather dull expression on my face. Hey it worked in Nigeria with large, angry men in uniform. I knew enough not to try some dash, at least.

[Doodlebug]

That reminds me. Ferried a Lear down to Lanseria about 8 years ago. The company didn't object to me taking my then-girlfiend along, Scandinavian blonde. When pit-stopping in Accra, this huuuge local booms out at me, my bird and my colleague as we pass him in the terminal: "I like your woman - give her to me!"
This was delivered with an ear-to-ear grin, and was clearly meant in jest and in complimentary fashion.
Poor lass didn't budge from our side until out of the country :p

[I.R.PIRATE]

Its right about then you rather offer him your cousin, Smith, and his mate Wesson, and pump some lead into his face....while replicating his grin obviously.

[TWOTBAGS]

Yeah but Chuks..... you do look like a camel:}

Or maybe there's no water at FCP and you just smelt like his brother:E

(you still on FCP bro?):ok:

[9-er]

This is the funniest thread ever, keep the posts coming guys. Having spent my entire career so far in Africa, I can certainly relate to all these experiences! This was my personal favorite:

We'd just landed our F.28 and were asked to make a 180 at the end of the runway and backtrack to the parking, first holding short of the intersecting runway for landing traffic, a C182. Imagine our surprise on completing our 180 to find the aforementioned Cessna on short final for the very runway we were backtracking! The tower controller screamed at him to go-around, which he did (from about 10 feet), before completing a split-arse turn to line up for the intersecting runway. When asked what the hell he had been playing at, he replied that he could have landed well short of us - no mention of being lined up with a runway 90 degrees off the one he was supposed to be landing on! On parking, the 182 pilot was asked to report to the tower to further explain himself. We watched in total amazement as the pilot stepped down from his plane and strode towards the tower building, sporting (I kid you not) an eyepatch over his right eye! He had been carrying 2 passengers who were connecting to our flight.:ooh::ooh::ooh:

[Farmer 1]

We watched in total amazement as the pilot stepped down from his plane and strode towards the tower building, sporting (I kid you not) an eyepatch over his right eye!

I think I know him. I'm sure he normally wears it over his left eye.

[sa4200]

Great thread reminds me of an incident where officials decided it would be a good idea to perfom a drill in case of an aircraft crash so they lit a fire in the bush a few km from the airport and called in all emergency services to respond. Fire engine and ambulance had a head on enroute to the crash resulting in no fire engine for the next 6 months at the airport. Finally a shiny new red one was donated by some nice donor organisation and was delivered with much pomp and ceremony. Everybody had to have his turn trying out the new fire truck including the " assistant mechie" who managed to drive it head first into a storm drain - another 6 months until they could find another donor to buy a replacment.

[MungoP]

And then again atr Lubumbashi with the B200... on several occasions had left the a/c overnight to find a couple of hundred litres of fuel missing the following morning... an army unit is based at the airport sleeping in tents and the suspicion was that they were selling the stuff on...it's not unusual for small amounts to be bled out for oil lamps but 200+ litres is a lot of oil lamps...
Anyway, I got into the habit of fueling in the morning rather than on arrival until we were booked to fly the big chief of Katanga region out early the following day and needed to fuel on arrival...
The morning comes for the departure... military band playing... many dignitories shaking hands with the big chief and then ... yes... we have insufficient fuel in the tanks and the whole thing takes an hour to rectify with the big boss fuming...eventually we fly him out and bring him back..
The following day I arrive to fly back to Kin and there at the tents are about 30 soldiers standing stripped to the waist each waiting to bend down and be lashed by the seargent weilding a long cane.

[Storminnorm]

I think some of the pilots that I knew wore eye-patches on
BOTH eyes! It kept them calm on short finals.:sad:

[Fall Out Boy]

Hearing the following conversation at lumbumbashi (and many other places....)

Lumbum TWR: xxx, cleared the LUB, descend to FL080.
xxx: umm, tower, confirm LUB is working?
TWR: negetive, negetive, LUB not working.
xxx: roger, so confirm then we are cleared visualy to the airport?
TWR: negetive, negetive, cleared direct LUB FL080!
xxx: (exasperated sigh) roger......

[Storminnorm]

Can anyone recall the town, more or less on the Equator,
That had an Ice Skating rink?
It was always VERY popular. Jam packed as I recall.:ok:

[cavortingcheetah]

:hmm:

Would that have been the Solar Ice Rink in Nairobi's Panari Hotel back in late 2005?
:suspect:

[Storminnorm]

If that used to be the Hotel Panafrique about 25yrs ago,
then that's probably it.:cool:

[Doodlebug]

There was the bloke at Eros who flew charters along with the rest of us on all sorts of Cessna twins and the 200, about 12 years ago. Now he'd putter around on one of those hilarious motorcycles-with-pedals. Would arrive at work prior to the crack of dawn on this contraption, in uniform, nav-bag strapped to the tail-feathers. A sight for sore eyes! :} Now some of the aircraft were quite a distance from the office, so he'd ride to the plane once flight plan, etc. had been done in the pilots' room. One dark and very early morning good ol' XXXX drones off to his aerie in a cloud of fumes, only to scare the living sh1t out of us 10 minutes later when, having preflighted, he proceeded to crank his 310 and, still very much in the pre-dawn-gloom, taxied his starboard prop straight into his scooter-thing. We were finding bits of funny-cycle scattered all around the airfield for the next few weeks. Christ, the racket that made!! :p

(Vergewe my as jy dit lees ou pel, maar jy moet saamstem, dit was fokken snaaks!!! :ok:)

[chuks]

We had an old Cessna 402 that was doing sterling duty as a sunshade for stray dogs. Like attracts like? Anyway some mad Eyeties decided they really needed it so a deal was done and our very best and most dispensible pilot was chosen to ferry it from Lagos to Rome. Me, of course!

It hadn't even had a run-up in years, plus it was sat there kind of tipped to one side. Well, whatever.

They dragged the battery cart over and plugged it in, hopped in and started flipping switches. Hmm... no fuel in one tank. (This was the 402 with the so-called "tuna tanks" with the main fuel out in the tip tanks.) So they filled up the oddly empty tank and went off to do engine runs.

It wasn't running very well, and when they shut it down afterwards they found it was pissing Avgas all over the ramp from under one engine!

Ah yes, no sense wasting all that Avgas in those big tip tanks, was there, so that one of our own engineers decided to become a criminal mastermind back when we never expected that thing to move again. He had undone the main line at the firewall and used the boost pump to empty the tank. Hah! Of course, being a true son of Mother Africa he didn't bother to "tight-up de foo-el line" afterwards, creating a sort of flying bomb.

I was watching all this with a certain amount of interest, as were the poor old stray dogs. One day, after the engineers, now minus our inofficial fuel vendor, had managed to calm its explosive tendencies, they were off to the compass base. Progress! 30 minutes later here they came back, dragging my steed on the end of a rope! I could only think to myself, "It won't even make it from the ramp to the compass base and back under its own steam and I am going to Rome?"

I did set off for Rome. Well, why not?

About 30 minutes later I knew why not. The prop governers were shagged and would not stay synched. Bwaaaahh, vrooom, vroom, waaah-waah-wah-wah-wah... interlude of twiddling prop levers... bwaaaah, vrooom, vroom, etcetera, every TEN MINUTES! Aargh! Sat there watching the landscape crawl past with this racket beating my head in... madness was setting in when I was thinking, well, if I just shut one down then I don't have to synchronise them, do I?

We got as far as Tamanrasset and hit some paperwork problems. The Wops had done the permits but the number they gave me didn't exist according to my new Algerian friends. I spent a couple of nerve-wracking days drinking mint tea and trying not to think about movies about Turkish prisons.

When they finally got bored playing with me one engine didn't want to fire up, just sputtering, coughing and dying, repeatedly. Turned out that the throttle was off about 1.5 inches so that I was trying to start it with the throttle open too far. D'oh!

You know how sometimes you get to the end of a long flight and you just stand there gazing fondly at the trusty old bird that carried you all the way? I got out of that thing at Ciampino Airport, ripped off my sweaty life vest, tossed the keys to the new owners and said, "You wanted it, it's yours. Good luck!"

I imagine they were going to smuggle cigarettes with it and good luck to them. Well, maybe people who were behind on paying money to the Camorra or Mafia or whomever... they dragged them out to the airport and took them for a long flight in the Cessna, bwaaah-wah-wah-wah, after which the money got paid back right away even if that meant selling one or both kidneys.

[bugg smasher]

On the way to Njili airport, crew car must stop due large ox and even larger crowd on road. After some minutes and much arguing, crowd polarizes into two distinct groups, out come machetes, live ox chopped down the middle (approximately), left half dragged off road to left, right half to right, both halves twitching, children scoop up stray organs, which they stuff into their shirts. Crew car squelches through two inches of fresh ox blood on road, mud guards do excellent job of minimizing splat. Another day in Africa. Wonder if steak is on the menu tonight...

[chuks]

Dat be "cow-meat". Not steak! A real work-out for the jaw muscles.

Then there is the famous Sokoto chicken. Not to say they are tough, just that I saw one get run over by a lorry and then get up and walk away. Allegedly.

We had this dingy cave of an airport cafe at the old Aero Contractors terminal, back when a naira bought something. There was "Hamburger with Egg" on the menu, when the waiter came over to tell me that today it was "Hamburger with Egg - no Egg".

I have this terrible need to fight boredom that is always getting me into trouble. I asked, "So how much is an egg worth? Can I get a discount here?" (We are arguing here over about 10 cents, of course.)

"It is 'Hamburger with Egg- no Egg'"!

"Yes, I hear you but I see here on the menu that an egg sells for 80 kobo. You are shorting me one egg so that I would expect a discount of 80 kobo, just going by the menu."

"It is 'Hamburger with Egg - no Egg'"!

"Well, perhaps a chit, then, that I could exchange for an egg at a later date?"

Same answer...

"I am not in a hurry. Could you send the 'boy' to the market to purchase an egg? They are very rich in Vitamin A, I am told."

Almost the same answer: same words, double volume. Time to stop yanking this guy's crank before he gets that surly-looking crowd of yoofs to pitch me out on my pointy Oyingbo head, I guess.

"I see. Well, your cogent arguments have won the day. Please bring me one 'Hamburger with Egg - no Egg' and a nice warm Fanta Orange... no, wait, I think I shall have the Schweppes Mineral Water instead. Thank you so much."

[Toppled AH]

O how I miss Africa..............Excellent comments guys

In Abidjan cleared to Back Track in English....which we understood......Military C130 was told something in French, all we heard was " DIPRI " we knew that was the reporting point for the IAF and there is a holding pattern but what was after that we had no idea until we saw landing lights about 1.5 miles away on short final......We think he said......Dirpri and hold......but boy were we wrong......it was infact Cleared to Land.....cloud base of about 500ft....told to go around and big chief swivel head spear said "NO" landing.....WTF.....eventually he orbited straight back into the cloud, no go around just orbit....might have been the same guy with the patch on his eye.....IF training maybe.......

[CJ750]

This must be one of the best and funniest threads in a long time. Having experienced some not all of the above at some stage in Africa makes it funnier still. Keep it going guys. I feel sorry for someone reading this who has not flown in Africa and wants to find a job on our lovely continent.

Keep them coming :D:D

:ouch::ouch:

[cavortingcheetah]

:hmm:

One can remember driving, four of us plus company driver, broad daylight, from Gaberone airport to the Holiday Inn during the time that the SADF thought it had Carte Blanche to exterminate its enemies in Botswana.
There was a Botsana DF road block between airport and town. To our surprise our driver accelerated towards the blockade, thereby attracting the attention of the soldiers, some of whom began to unsling their rifles from their shoulders. Only when the Captain and I had realised that Bonzo had no ntention of stopping, did we start yelling at him, hitting him and smacking his head, which didn't do a lot of good really, as it doesn't from time to time. He went through a gap in the blockade and finally stopped a few yards past it. By this time, some of the troopies were down on one knee, weapons levelled. No whizz bangery yet, thank goodness!
Quite how Bonzo extricated himself and us from his errors of judgement with his explanations to the troopies, I never found out, but eventually we were waved on our shaken way. We managed to establish that the driver thought that since the company car was brand new, it would be able to outrun the bullets and that he was of the opinion that such would be a very funny thing to do.
The cabin crew throughout the debacle retained a stony silence because, as we later established, the driver, being only a driver, was of a lesser social order than were they.:eek:

[chuks]

I had one for a co-pilot on a Cessna 441, flown for a German construction company.

We had a trip for the German Ambassador to Nigeria one afternoon, taking him from Abuja to Lagos.

My Prince had come, back from some mysterious errand and was hovering in the background. Being of royal blood he did not do baggage. He would hover looking helpful but he never actually managed to heave any bags into the nose baggage compartment. Far be it from me to upset the social order, so that I did the bags.

Here comes His Excellency, so I greet him, take his fold-over bag, pop the left-hand nose baggage door and "Fark!" There is a large, filthy burlap sack full of yams that has shaken a load of top-quality Nigerian dirt all over the baggage compartment! So that was what my Prince had been up to, going shopping at one of the roadside yam stands that dotted the long road from town to the airport. Way to go, Prince!

Oh well, this Ambassador bod must know Africa by now, so that I just made a few feeble attempts to get the worst of the dirt off a spot big enough to park his bag and carried on.

Later I introduced the Prince to two new concepts, telling his Captain about what he wanted to stow where in our Cessna, plus shaking the dirt off his goddam yams before stowing them in our nice, clean baggage compartment.

He was not a stupid man. It was just that he was very much a product of his environment.

[Farmer 1]

I read this story written by a journalist, so it must be true.

In Uganda, during the time of Amin, the journalist commuted into town each day by car. Each day, he was stopped at the same roadblock, asked to get out of the car and remove his shoes. Each day, the soldiers looked inside his shoes, then sent him on his way.

Being reasonably au-fait with Africa, he contained his curiosity, and did not ask what they expected to find in his shoes.

Until, eventually, his curiosity could be contained no longer, so he asked what it was they were looking for.

"Guns," he was told.

"How do you think I can hide guns in my shoes?" he asked.

"Dunno, but them's the orders. We have them written down."

"Can I see them?"

"Sure." The orders decreed that all vehicles must be stopped, and the boots searched for weapons.




For those who only speak Americanese, a boot on a car is what you would call a trunk, but there would be something lost in the translation.

[Mshamba]

You know you are in Africa when you monitor the Tower frequency and hear the initial call of an Airliner:

"Tower good afternoon, ABC, self established ILS 21"

No response from tower. Later on:

"Tower, again this is ABC, we are on short final runway 21."

Of course, no response from the tower.

"Tower, äh, ABC, runway 21, we're gonna land..."

Tower replies: "ABC, roger, thereafter taxi to your stand as usual."

Answer by the aircraft was just a doubleclick on the mic... that was all, nothing else to be said :D

[Swamp Rat]

Guys,

you know what is so astonishing, you all bitch and moan, but how many people that may and maybe not, be on this thread, have built up their time doing all the crap jobs that we have to do in order to be served our orange juice and paper while the auto pilot flies us to the destination
Flying is something we do because its something you can never describe to people that havent, its a gift that many havent, we are lucky.
Yes the crap hits the fan now and then but it goes with the terroitry, Deal with it or go and stand behind a bank desk all day and see how that feels,
chaps and ladies we all have had to do what we have to do to further our jobs, dont gripe, if Africa was not in the the state it is most of us would not have jobs and without i am sure a bunch of you guys will agree.

[capster]

You know youre in Africa when :

- All the expats working for the UN drive around in 4x4's or armoured tanks wearing flak jackets and helmets and all have some kind of weapons, while the aircrew have a wanked out hyundai van, no armour and have to drive into town daily for supplies!

- you buy whisky in 2 litre bottles so it will last longer than an evening

- you look forward to eating goat and/or camel meat

- you program the GPS with self made waypoints while in VMC so you can get in when its IMC. All the waypoint names have to be swear words

- you can have a party with a bunch of russians for 8 hours and not understand one word they say

- you can tell the sound of an Mi - 8 about 20 nm away

- it is not considered weird when there is a stack of hardcore pornography in the crew house toilet

- a ladder is leaning against an old 727-100 on a short dirt strip for the pax and crew to board and disembark

-you have to pay more for a coke if it is cold, than if it is warm

- when you sign on at 5am the engineer is passed out cold on the kitchen floor, Led zeppelin still on high volume

- flying low level down rivers trying to get the people in the canoes to jump out is part of the descent briefing

Fun times!

[MungoP]

And during the rainy season in Congo having taken off from a dirt strip to fly 35 min to another dirt strip with 2hrs 45 min of fuel aboard; get cut off by a storm system, landing eventually with just 12 min of fuel showing on one wing guage and nothing showing on the other... then waiting a day for fuel to be floated over the Ubenge River so that we could fly out again.

[Doodlebug]

Capster - you've been/are there! :D:ok::}
Swamp - relax. Nobodies bitching. Funniest thread in ages. Africa's great.

[capster]

Got several tshirts aswell!! Thankfully moved on to greener pastures, but what a cool way to learn how to fly. A couple of years on the dark continent should be compulsory!:ok:

[Storminnorm]

Capster, Curried goat is my personal favourite.
Best thing to do with the damn things is to
EAT them.:E Never tried Camel, couldn't get
a big enough pot!!!!!!

[Mshamba]

Roasted goat is hilarious! Mbuzi choma - niiiiiiiice! :ok:

[CJ750]

Swamp Rat get off your high horse nobody is bitching just relating stories. How long have you been flying in Africa. The Swamps are nothing like the rest of Africa.

CHILLOUT and let us have fun:E

[Swamp Rat]

Been flying in Africa since the age of eighteen, had the good fortune that my Dad was a pilot, so yes the usual story of it being in the blood.
No horse my bro, just reality and by the way I am an African whom has lived and flown in Africa for the duration of my career, which now spans 17 years .

Chop

[cavortingcheetah]

:hmm:
One really must be very careful how one goes about this business of anything being in the blood.
On the vain glorious assumption that one can trace one's ancestry back a few hundred years or so, certainly far further back than the first colonisers of the Hottentot lands; any familial characteristics which might have flowed from the first generation to the last, might reasonably be said to be in the blood.
Anything much less than this is simply pure nepotism.
Toodle Pip.:ooh:

[mlindb]

You know you are in Africa when the best doctor in town is something like this:


http://i339.photobucket.com/albums/n451/mlindb/Bestdoctor.jpg

[ads1963]

When you use a 4 wheel drive to get to the runway and almost get stuck on it and you still have to take-off from the same muddy place on a Twotter!

[MungoP]

The memories keep coming back.. Class 1 renewal...
Dr .......... in ........ ( I can't say because ..hey ... I may someday be old enough to need this guy again ! )
I walk into the 'surgery' ... antique surgical implements displayed along the walls like a museum of Scutari Hospital .... He asks me to fill in a form and while I'm doing that he's scribbling away.. just as I finish filling in the form, he finishes scribbling and then asks the only question of the interview... "Can you please give me $150 ?" ... I hand him the filled in form and the money... he passes to me the paper he's been scribbling on... a receipt... end of medical and I have my Class 1 renewal.

[bugg smasher]

Since we’re on the subject, Swamp Rat, who exactly is bitching here. Most awe-inspiring place I ever flew. I’ll say it again, at least until you guys get it; God Herself lives in the magnificent skies over Africa, of that I have no doubt whatsoever. Anyone have a reasonably intelligent argument with that?

So, there we were, in a B-720, parked on the Kananga ramp, 9Q-CTD if any plane spotters are interested. The flight from Kinshasa was the usual ICTZ T-storm duck, dodge and weave operation. And there, on the ramp for our arrival, in all his golden uniformed and Swiss bank-accounted glory, was the Marshall Mobutu himself. Holy Sh@t my brothers and sisters, an appointment with destiny, that little voice inside that whispers, one might want to tread delicately in such close proximity to celebrity A-List thugs.

Casual murder being what it is in Africa, a cheerful no-offence-intended blood sport mostly I gather, and our well-honed aversion to same, we dutifully assemble under the chipped and dented radome of our ancient Boeing Seven, applauding raucously as the Big M himself strides the ramp. All the while bestowing blessings on the lesser folk of this impossibly miserable planet. How could it exist without the Marshall, God forfend!

He even nodded my way, brushes with greatness have never been my thing. I’m still trying to fathom the ultimate meaning of that one. Rumor had it that the Marshall’s Great Mahogany Throne was installed somewhere in the mid section of his 707. I don’t know, personally, I never saw it first hand, but it rings true, in an intuitive sort of way. Sometimes it helps to finish off the bottle of Johnny or Jack, as you will, provides a measure of temporary closure that comforts and protects. Against the insects at the very least. That’s how those things go in Africa.

But I digress. The Marshall, installed in his over-wing greatness, dutifully orders his pilots to light the fires. Four spit-shined Pratt JT3-7’s are now spooling up, the incline of the ramp dictating considerable break-away thrust, that gorgeous smell of jet kerosene, the inexorable and dizzying intoxication of willful and final escape, mounting its grand and forceful presence over the African landscape. Billowing, pregnant cumulus towering to impossible breadths, heights, continental by any other description, all around the field.

A more magical place, you’ve never been, I think…duty calls, to be continued…

[Farmer 1]

But seriously, chaps, there's nowhere else in the world where you have such fantastic views.



http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y277/Robert47/giraffe.jpg

[chuks]

Had the First Lady hurl down the back of my Cessna 402C. Had a big, fat argument with two of the First Sons when I didn't want to land at Minna Airstrip in the dark, just because there were no runway lights. Had fifteen souls in a Cessna 404 just because the Military Governor wanted it so.

In the dark days of Sani Abacha you used to see the Argentine Peugeot 504s, black with blacked-out windows, chasing the Presidential 727 down the runway as it departed, providing some weird kind of security. 727 in the middle, 504s off each wingtip, and "AWAY THEY GO!" Peugeots keeping up well-well until, ooh, 35 knots or so and finishing up at about mid-field doing 110 mph as the 727 is turning on course.

I had to explain to a newbie why I had 3 hours fuel just to do a flip around the pattern at Lagos, a couple of touch-and-goes. He had never been to a place where they could close the airport on no notice for 30-45 minutes for VIP movements with no estimate for when it might reopen, either.

[sky waiter]

DAUH tower this is ZS-XXX request 3500ft QNH to XXX.

Reply, "sir that is the incorrect flight level"

DAUH tower i say again request 3500ft on QNH to XXX.

Reply "sir that is the incorrect flight level you may have FL025 or 045.

This despite the fact that we have done the flight everyday that week at 3500ft!

OR

Report final number two behind the 737, which is at 18 miles, after a lot of french english translation (we are at 3) turns out to be a 767-300????

OR

"Say Altitude"

Reply "Altitude"

Radio silence.... ;)

[Doodlebug]

Chuks,

A 200 once carried 27 pax out of Kuito, Angola, when the latter was being attacked by Unita. Refugees stormed all available aircraft on the ramp, it was completely impossible to get the people off again. (I don't blame the poor bastards, everybody was taking it in turns trying to wipe them out!)
Aircraft taxied out with the door dragging and a pilot on the steps fending off more refugees. Top right corner of the door was ground away through contact with the tarmac. Aircraft got out ok and made it back to Luanda, albeit at a low altitude and unpressurised.

Civil Aviation (in country of registration) notified, airframe inspected, door fixed, carry on chaps...

Amazing aircraft.

[mlindb]

...when the controller keeps a 737 at 5000´ because of a Caravan that is flying at 6000´ in the same route and opposite direction... 50 nautical miles away,,,

[Shrike200]

...when you're attempting to do something perfectly normal (fill in paperwork, complete GENDEC's etc) and an 'official' stops you with some utterly bizarre reason why you can't do it, despite it having been done for the last 50 flights or so, AND they are the ones requiring it. His explanation of why you can't do it is either a) physically impossible b) has the logic used by five year olds, or c) he simply repeats the original statement that 'No, you can't do it', as many times as it take no matter what sane and rational arguments you put forward.

[MungoP]

Or when using say, a US$100 bill to pay landing fees whatever, they refuse to accept it on the grounds that it has a tiny 'nick' somewhere on it... their own paper currency of course looks as though the entire population have wiped their ars*s on it....
if it happens to you, do what I do.. throw it on the floor and say.. "Well.. if no one wants it.." and then watch their faces. :}

[mlindb]

...when airport officials threaten to take you into custody because you just took a picture of an old DC-3 parked on the ramp. Maybe it could reveal some of their technological advances to the enemy.

[Wyle E Coyote]

.......You come across the security guys x-raying the guns they are just about to put on your aircraft

[Nightfire]

Entering the airport, the security-guy, who has to inspect the vehicle for hidden bombs, asks you to turn off the engine, get out and open the trunk. You tell him you're in a hurry, so he smiles and asks for some "chai". And off you go...

[chuks]

I was sat in the cockpit of my Twin Otter filling out some paperwork or else trying to think up some brilliant scheme that would get me out of Nigeria when I felt the airplane shift a bit as someone came up the stairs to the cabin. Then I heard, "Peeeep, peeep, peeep..." What in the world?

When I looked around, there was one of our security Shell Mopols using his metal detector to verify that each seat frame was, indeed, made of, umm, metal! Well spotted! He gave me a sheepish grin when I looked at him and fecked off to waste oxygen in a different way after that.

They used to check the pax, get a peep, the guy would pull some keys out of a pocket, show it and, "Okay, these are not the droids we are looking for." Not to give anything away but might there be a way to smuggle one thing by showing something else when both are made of metal?

Anyway they never checked the pax on Sundays but that was okay because we had never had a hijacking on a Sunday except for once or twice but that was helicopters and I was flying fixed-wing. See?

Post 9/11 I told my cabin crew that I would be keeping the cockpit door locked on the Dornier, when I took the key with me and slid the door closed. Halfway to Abuja we got the usual cup of tea and some biccies... Two minutes later I had the sudden thought, "Hey! How did he do that?"

On the ground again I got a very self-satisfied smirk from my steward as he showed me the extra key he carefully kept hidden away in the first baggage locker on the right, the one the pax weren't supposed to access.

You know, I could lock the door if I wanted to but it was his privilege to unlock it if he wanted to!

[Soap Box Cowboy]

After having three guys shot and wounded, two shot and killed 50 meters from me on a money run I started on insiting on a vest and straping on my nine milimeter on all money flights.

One day the head of airport security tells me I cannot do this as I am scaring the passengers. Even though I'm licenced to have it. So we come to a comprimise I can put it on once I get to the plane.

After having checked my firearm through the security (50% of the time it's not noticed) security still gives me grief about my leatherman or lighter.

Whatching the security waving his metal detector wand over a hunter who was about to go on a charter. All sounds correct till you consider the hunter had his rifle in one hand, a bowie knife strapped to his side and a belt of bullets round his waist. Wish I'd had a chance to take a picture.

Where fighter jets, which have not moved or flown for over seven years, and will never fly again are considered top secret. And not really there. Even though everybody can see them.

The army has transport aircraft which are referd to by their own pilots as "flying coffins" because they were donate with no life history.

Where the airforce repaints SAM sites even though they have not worked and will never work again. It's not like the public can see them.

Where ramp guys decide, why push the plane when we can taxi it like the pilots do. Start aircraft (amazing in itself) loose control end up crossing active runway, missing landing 737. Apparently stopped the aircraft by feathering the prop (piston mind you) and as quickly as possible pushing said aircraft back to the ramp.

Finding the chickens you were supposed to fly out o a hunting camp in the bush have been thrown into the pod without their cages. Cages did not fit.

Baggage door comes unlocked, some poor guys back are somewhere in the sea, hopefully not through someone's roof.

Search and rescue helicopter not available because pilots have already clocked off.

Tower let's VFR traffic arrive, even though when one mile from the field without the field visual everything is still deemed ok.

National airlines take priority over everyone else.

[Arms Dealer]

Amazing how they always manage to get it right..:zzz:

[Wyle E Coyote]

........SAR don't go to the scene of a downed aircraft because "it's the will of god"

.......SAR is initiated fron SA, because THEY noticed the ELBA. not the country the aircraft went down in (even the operator didn't notice they were an aircraft short)

(thankfully no fatalities in either 'incident')

.......You crest the hump of the runway on takeoff, and come face to face with two vehicles parked on one side. After scraping paint off their roofs with a rapid rotation, getting a “sorry, I did ask them to move” from the tower…..who can clearly see they hadn’t

What fun we had there :ok:

[Doodlebug]

...when a C310 involved in ostrich-egg smuggling (remember when that was all the rage?) prangs on takeoff out of an unlit strip at night and is then literally hacked into pieces, stuffed down an old well and the hole camoflaged with branches, so's to avoid blowing the whistle on the lucrative little sideline business :}

[Dupre]

When on short final, a different aircraft is cleared to land.

When radio traffic gets too busy, ATC simply don't say anything.

After receiving taxi clearance, ATC asks you to repeat number on board, destination, level and fuel because they missed ALL of that information the first time you gave it.

You have been delayed because they have no receipt book.

Having not been cleared to land, you fly the flare right down the runway while ATC have a long-winded discussion with another aircraft 100nm away.

Buzzing the strip to clear it of animals you count at least 4 species.

All in the last 2 weeks :) God I love africa!

[Wyle E Coyote]

When radio traffic gets too busy, ATC simply don't say anything

Oh god no! it's all coming back!

....When ATC screw up your call sign, every call. Over, and over, and over again - usually when there's a similar call sign on freq, then when it's all totally screwed up.....all attempts to control cease.....and then silence.

[TermightJim]

Going into Angola
Tower:"Join overhead for a right downwind 27"

Us overhead runway:"Just confirm runway 27 is in use. Windsock (like an iron pipe) is indicating 09"

Tower:"Yes yes, I say again 27!!! Windsock unserviceable"

Us with no traffic (well reported anyway) around for miles:"Negative sir, cannot comply, request 09"

Tower:"Eeeeahhhhhhhhh....."

Us after long silence:"Tower ZS-ABC......Tower ZS -ABC....."

Silence....

[FACT Pilot]

...when your license comes back from the Authorities with your name and details but someone else's photo... :ooh:

...4 days before writing your ATP exams you still don't know whether or not you have been accepted to write... :eek:

...the Air Law suddenly changes and the Authorities say it has been that way for 6 months already... :bored:

...when quering why you have been given the totally oposite and definately wrong information about your exams, the excuse is "they are new here"... :confused:

How boring would African Aviation be without all variable, day to day suprises... ;)

[rogerk]

Years ago flying back from JHB to a city called "Salisbury" in a country named "Rhodesia" in an Air Rhodesia Viscount just a couple of weeks after one had been taken out the sky by a Sam7, I was sat next to a very mouthy American.
"Godamn place this Africa, only here because my company sent me, how you can sit on an old crate like this is beyond me"
At this point all the cabin and nav lights go out.
My American friend pushes attendant button.
Air hostess arrives "Yes Sir may I help you ?"
"Why have the godamn lights gone out, fuse blown I suppose ?"
"No Sir it is a safety procedure to make us less vunerable to a terrorist guided missile attack"
American looks at me "She takin' the p***"
"No she is dead serious - they got one of these two weeks ago"
Silence all the way home !!
:D:D

[Good Vibs]

To renew your licence you send off all the necessary paperwork and logbook. When renewed you receive the licence and logbook back but the logbook has a wonderful coffee cup stain on the inside last page!

[Habari]

Lucky to get yours back! Many licences have been seen under the table legs to keep them balanced. Whatever happened to the goog old sticky bun deposits and coke stains that all our documents came back from CAA with. You could identify the person handling your licence by the deposits!

[dnk]

Received my Botswana licence with the following:

Night Rating (Aeroplane):
"The holder of this licence is entitled to act as pilot of command of a helicopter carrying passengers by night"

[Cubbie]

..the street lights are on all day but switched off at night...
..ILS in Beria works fine for the 364 days of blue sunshine,- the 1 day there is fog or heavy rain its off the air...

[Agaricus bisporus]

Three aircraft (same type) crash on same field in 3 days and for the same reason - shock-cooled engines trying to haul gross overloads of Chat into the sky.
Overloaded dope flights continue unabated.

Pax ask, "Why don't you go to sleep like your colleague does? We'll wake you when we see the coast!"

Pax ask, "Why does the red light not come on when you get 20 miles from the airfield. It always does when *** is flying..."

Flyer states, "Fully insured, properly maintained British Public Transport aircraft for hire". Aircraft referred to is on a private C of A. (It ain't just Africans doing this...)

[White Knight]

Flying a C401 into Masvingo (Fort Vic) on Christmas Eve MANY years ago.

Me "I'll orbit 15 miles north of the field and let the thunderstorm (that's sitting right on top of the runway) clear, then I'll come in for 18"

Tower "Aish, it's ok, come in and land, the wind is ahh SH1T..."

Me "Masvingo, what's the problem?"

Silence....
Again

Me "what's the problem?'

Tower "Aish, the tower has been hit by lightning and it came up the telephone and hit me..."

Me "Like I said, I'll hold north of the field 'til the weather clears.."

[RWEDAREYET]

You hold the tech log of the aircraft hostage for pay and ticket home!!!!

[Tree]

...you are on short final at night and some of the flare pots move slowly off into the jungle; being carried home by the local children.

[beechbum]

Mostly in Angola.....some of my experiences.....
- You wonder why you were shot at by the local police and get told that you were driving down a one way street. Street signs? Nada
- You get pulled over by the cops at two in the morning and the competition is to see who is more pissed the cop or you....
- You are stopped by a 10 year old kid wielding an assortment of weapons who demands "Cigaro" from you...and you think he shouldn't be smoking at his age!!!
- You get told not to walk off the paved surface at an airport including the "International" one as it's mined.
- You rescue a whole lot of 'UN' personnel in your Kingair that has room for 10 or so...and you end up taking out 18
- You leave an airstrip the day before Christmas with 20 or people in your Grand Van as noone wants to stay in the war ravaged town over this time.And you get pressured to take more!
- The UN forgets to tell you that there is a battle going on at the airfield of intended landing. You fly overhead in your van to witness full scale 'war' and artilllery shaking the van from its rivets! Thanks guys!
- You hear of a UN C130 doing a spiral decent only to have 50 rounds put in it from soldiers on parade asdjacent to the airstrip...!!!!:ok:
- You spiral decend your Kingair into Saurimo only to have an Antonov 32 suddenly fill your windshield. Radio calls....what radio calls!
- You sit on the tarmac for two hours due to imminent landing of VIP then get told the VIP has not even left his point of departure yet...aaargh!
-The security guard employed to guard your house can sell you an assortment of weapons for $100
- Tracer bullets fill the night sky whilst on final approach into Luanda at night....
- At one of the outstations you get told that a braai is being prepared and whilst braaing what looked like meat you get told that the pig you are about to eat was slaughtered just behind you and the goat met his end where you were standing. Not a meter or so away from the braai :ok:
- You pay $500 to turn the runway lights on and $500 to turn them off again...
- You walk through the streets of Kinshasa (crazy!!) with your jeans around your neck as they're slightly wet and get acosted by a local cop demanding why you have no clothes on. You go around the corner to witness street kids with less clothes on than you have!
- Kids begging at your aircraft with both engines running.
- Russian Ilushyians flying the wrong way round in the holding pattern and then stating that you were in the wrong.
- Walk into an IL76 to pay crew their salaries and get offered Vodka to drink 1 hour before they and yourself are scheduled to fly.
- Your UN rep on the ground sells tickets for your flight to non UN affiliated locals because he can.
- UN staff in the city get danger pay for sitting in an office. You have to visit war ravaged towns with not even a flak jacket!!!!
- Calved up goats horses and pigs lie next to your aircraft wating to get loaded. You say no to the loading and a boxing match ensues.
- Half the bags you load into your 'Executive' Kingair stink of fish. You yell 'Nao Peche nao peche" and wonder why they look at you in total amazement!

[Shrike200]

...when it's such a great way to see a wide variety of Russian military equipment, most of it wreckage (Angola). BMP's, Mi24's, Mig 21's cut to pieces with machetes and axes for metal. Awesome! Just watch the unpaved surfaces, you gotta love those little mines.

Edit: OK, I removed the one ' but the others are staying, dammit! :)

[beechbum]

Heard of two guys going through Africa in their Lear. Upon asking for the latest weather at their destination they were given 10 oktas of cloud at 5000ft. Puzzled the two pilots looked at each other..:ugh:"Confirm 10 oktas at 5000ft?"
"Affem" said the controller. "Yesterday it was 8 oktas but today..eh..its much worse, it is now 10 oktas."
You gotta love it.....:rolleyes:

[krobar]

- "Station calling Kinshasa!"

- "next report over the pool" later figured out it was the river

- $700 landing and Nav fee for a helicopter (Douala)

- Paying landing fees is more of a negotiation

- ATC goes quiet with more than 1 aircraft approaching Benguela

- 'Pothole' is a loose term, describing mountainous terrain used as roads

- you're not used to driving faster than 40km/h

- your stomach needs time to adjust to the food at home... :ooh:

- all your clothes are paper thin from being stone-washed

- all your clothes have several room numbers written on them and scratched out, cause you been to so many different places

- you only take enough luggage, so you can carry it all yourself

- you carry all your money hidden on your person, at all times...

- you carry 20 photocopies off all your documents

- your yellow fever card is stapled to your passport

- land a helicopter in a deserted spot, and 10 minutes later there is a crowd around you(kinda tough when you landed due to last night's stew)

- there's more aircraft wrecks around the strip than ever visited the apron

- the local CAA inspector doesn't understand why there's no clearly marked emergency exit on a small helicopter


Some good ones comming through. A sense of humour is a must for this line of work...

PS. - you carry a toilet roll in your flight bag

[Agaricus bisporus]

BMP's, Mi24's, Mig 21's cut to pieces with machete's and axes for metal.

Where BMP's, Mi24's, Mig21's and machete's(sic) get gash greengrocer's apostrophe's (!) but poor old axes, surfaces and mines get left out.

Africa, reliable but never consistent!

[steamchicken]

Hey, they've got us taking our shoes off to be searched for (...something) at LHR these days. Idi Amin was ahead of his time.

[non iron]

One pax too many ( apparently weighing 119kgs ) turns out to be a pregnant cat in a basket. 119kgs ? well, obviously weight of one adult and one child added together !

[bugg smasher]

The Air Force of Zaire charters tired old Boeing for troop transport, domestic flight, all seats, galleys, and anything else removable unbolted, and chucked onto ramp at KIN in a torrential downpour. Airplane that previously seated ca. 150 is now loading 250 fully kitted out and armed troops on board, sitting on the bare floor of the cabin. Operation normal so far. Just a little crowded though.

In Africa, insult invariably follows injury, it’s just another way of maintaining life’s essential continuity I guess, different strokes come to mind. Perhaps it’s where the expression originated. In any event, the General of The Air Force is requesting to personally fly the aircraft, he won’t take no for an answer. With lots willing and able firepower just behind the cockpit door, we are obliged to agree.

Student pilot, very high ranking one, at controls for takeoff, the old girl groans off the very last inch of available tarmac, with a little help, mostly unseen, from us. Having proven beyond doubt his stick n’ rudder moxie, General of said Air Force smiles that all-knowing smile that only rank can confer, gets up out of the seat, and goes to discuss things military with his troops in the back.

We have not yet reached 1000’ AGL…

[Jamex]

SACAA inspector grounds a Kingair 200 because the pilot was refuelling with "the wrong fuel, this aircraft has propellors so it must get Avgas" Yep, happened right here in SA!

[non iron]

Official memo stating that turning left during a go-around will cause the anti-aircraft batteries to open fire.
Probably the safest place to be.

[bugg smasher]

Official memo stating that turning left during a go-around will cause the anti-aircraft batteries to open fire.
Probably the safest place to be.

Laughed my ass off, then thought, holy shiite!, great advice, what better place to be safe...

[Solid Rust Twotter]

Loki had a similar setup. A piston DC3 was used for a while as the turbine number was in for maintenance. We heard later that the AAA folks in the nearby mil base almost opened fire on it in the circuit as it "didn't sound right".

[Agaricus bisporus]

A Van and a Dak decided to do a formation running break at Loki, and broke left over the army camp, despite it being perfectly well known that this was strictly verboten.

I'd landed inmmediately before and saw the ill-advised event. Five minutes later, as the miscreants were shutting down a bunch of green jeeps came roaring onto the apron bristling with weapons and very angry soldiers. The Lieutenent began screaming at me in an apopleptic fury, spittle flying, eyes like organ stops until I managed to point out that my prop had stopped but the naxt Van in the line's hadn't.

They only avoided being shot because they were too close for the missiles to lock on or something like that, and the guns didn't fire at point-blank range because the gunners argued about which to shoot first, by which time they'd gone.

It was impossible to tell if the Lt was so furious because he'd damn nearly wiped out a civvy aircraft, or that his soldiers hadn't performed as they should have. Either way those two aircraft had a very very close call.

[oerlikon]

When any fee you pay is only slightly over a full amount, requiring change which they do not have. You are expected to walk away politely without your change.

[merlinxx]

Even after being out of LOS for 25 years, you still think 'Guinness & Gulda mix' immediately before ordering a pint of 'Nigerian' in the pub!

[sky waiter]

You file a flight plan for a prof check (training flight) only to be told there is another aircraft doing training you may not fly...

NO problem file a "test flight" flight plan and away we go!

[dangermouse1977]

This has happened three times this month in Luanda, once not even for the president, just his brother.

The BA flight was also delayed for nearly an hour 6 weeks ago as the president's office called to say 2 VIPs would be arriving late.

BA had already op-upped 2 people from WT to WT+ then WT+ to CW, CW to A etc
Had to come along and tell them that they were being bumped back down.

What a hassle, but as the pilot put it "when the president calls, we listen"

[The777dream]

...when you ask the tower controller for the lastest surface data...

Tower Controller : the clouds are alright ! safe to land, just be carefull ! :ugh:

....thanks just what i wnated to hear !!!! :{

[planecrazi]

Just when you thought it was safe to have......

Couple die while having sex (http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/News/0,,2-7-1442_2397324,00.html)

Kinross - A woman in her late 20s and an unknown man died at about 23:30 on Friday night, when they were hit by a train while having sex on a railway line.

The possibility that the man was raping the woman is also being investigated.

Mpumalanga police spokesperson Superintendent Abie Khoabane said they didn't know who the victims were, as they had no ID documents or any possessions on them when they were hit by the train. There were also no cars or houses nearby.

"The train driver couldn't stop in time when he saw them in his way," said Khoabane.

"The train was only stopped later and the train driver went to investigate. He found the two victims and immediately called the police."

Khoabane said it was not clear if the woman was being raped or if she was having intercourse out of her own free will, but that the investigation would help shed light on the matter.

[grensloos]

Yesterday in South Sudan the visibility was reported by ATC to be "less than 10".

Gotta love it.

[asacrj]

planecrazi wrote
Just when you thought it was safe to have......
Couple die while having sex (http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/News/0,,2-7-1442_2397324,00.html)

Can you believe it, only in america FOXNews.com - Report: Metrolink Engineer Texting With Teen Moments Before Killer Commuter Crash - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,421801,00.html)

Honestly planecrazi, what exactly is people killed by a train while having sex have to do with aviation ????
Come on man let's stick to the subjet of aviation here.

[Rich Pitch Power]

Wors't and best load I ever carried was out of Pagak on the Sudan/Ethiopia border a little over a year ago. I think we had had four live goats, a few live chooks, a brick sh*thouse full of eggs in proper egg trays surprisingly, four or five sacks of charcoal and best of all two sacks of Ouzo which was the only spirit drink we could find in Southern Sudan unless there was someone flying in from Nairobi to join us. Not to mention the five or six pax, our loadmaster, all our refuelling gear and the four empty drums of JET A1 we had spent the last half hour pumping into our LET 410.

Hell of a party that night with the crews share of the Ouzo, 2 bottles!

I miss the scene in the South terribly. Great friends, great crew.

[xplorer]

You land and have two marshallers giving different instructions and when you finally park (after spending 10 minutes trying to negotiate with tower) and ask baggage handlers for a baggage trolley, they bring you a wheelchair... or better still, try being asked to report over a non existent point :D

[boyracer]

is that you Art

[Springbok614]

classic thread guys.. and gals!

makes us appreciate...., in a weird way, the uniqueness of our contract experience!

[xplorer]

Nope... but i'm enjoying every word in this thread!!
There's no place like Africa :ok:

[cockney steve]

I've been creased up laughing at some of the wonderful posts here..
A friend had recounted tales of "Lagos International" as it was in those days and I discounted it as fanciful storytelling.....well, now I'm not so sure.


"Bob" was an Electronics specialist in IT, CCTV, Alarm systems, that sort of stuff.....As he was stuck there for a while, he decided to learn to fly.

The somewhat erratic nature of Tower communications was explained when he visited. Tower radio was , of course, at the top. Unfortunately, the telephone was on the ground-floor...the enterprising staff had circumvented this setback, by making holes in the intervening floors/ceilings through this space,a piece of string dangled,with a bulldog-clip at the bottom end.....The incoming call was transferred to paper, hoisted to "radio" and then diseminated to "traffic."


A large Russian military aircraft, complete with guns,etc. was parked up, abandoned...but he couldn't get near enough to have a proper look.

A group of enthusiasts totally rebuilt a wrecked aircraft, tested engines, controls, systems....came the big day for the first test-flight.
The shiny,freshly -restored aircraft thundered down the runway, the pilot pulled back...........the elevator went DOWN :\

Ah, well, !

there was a low fence around the airfield, patrolling police were armed. shadowy figures would emerge from the surrounding scrub and attempt to vault over the fence.....the police never hesitated.....fortunately, they were poor shots!

"bob" found himself trapped in the country...a large sum saw him leaving on a cargo flight....there are probably still officials holding paperwork detaining him.

[chuks]

I will look that thing up and tell you all exactly which type it was but, yes, there was a Russian twin-engine bomber just sat out in the weeds near GA parking.

One of the local madmen, callsign Airport Commandant, was in there tinkering when he triggered the ejection seat. It fired and sent him up, up, up and then he came down, down, down, breaking his neck when he hit the wing so that he was stone dead. Then the authorities came to find that this machine was loaded with bombs and ammo, just parked and forgotten when the Biafra war ended, so that they took it away before anyone else might try to steal a fuze off a bomb, perhaps, and send us all to perdition.

Ilyushin IL-28, Nato codename "Beagle", four aircraft flown by Egyptian crews for the Nigerian government against the Biafran forces in the Biafra War.

[kleintjie]

When the controller tells you to expedite the taxi whilst on the backtrack, and tells the Let 410 to land short and in front of the backtracking traffic.

This happened yesterday in Lubumbashi.

Gotta love contract :D

[Wyle E Coyote]

and ask baggage handlers for a baggage trolley, they bring you a wheelchair...


or a chap pushing a passenger baggage trolley turns up, and then disobeying all laws of physics, attempts to load the entire aircraft full of bags on to it, and push it to the terminal.

If there were points for persistance.....:rolleyes:

[Rich Pitch Power]

You know you are in Africa when you have to wait for the locals to chase the territorial female ostrich off the 'airstrip' that is facing your aircraft down and has no intention of moving whilst you are ready for takeoff. This incident got a particularly acid response from our Russian captain...The nearby CB did nothing to improve his mood either and as the leg was less than 10 miles and not great for engine cycles on the aircraft and we were going to a terrible place called Pagak (southern Sudan/Ethiopia) I made sure I did not upset him any further that day.....:p

[Bartholomew]

A ZS-reg BE58 arrived at FVCP a few years ago, and was promptly grounded by the local CAAZ rep as it had "obviously suffered from multiple prop strikes". Said Baron had 4-blade cue-tip conversion!

:ugh: :D

[SLIPANDSKID]

Whilst working with the airport authority in an East African country that will remain nameless. I had two fun experiences.

1. While conducting an aircraft fire simulation the fire engine was called and screamed over to our mock fire scenario. Only to find out from the fireman " Eh, the water she is finished"

2. We asked the airport ambulances nurse to bring her emergency oxygen supply so we could see what set up they where using. SHE BROUGHT THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!

Banangi!!

[Cave Troll]

In Algeria

In bound to Hassi massoud. ATC reports a 90 degree cross wind of about 45 knots with zero visibility and blowing sand. He then proceeds to clear us for descent. He was actually surprised when we told him we were returning to our point of origin in our little 1900.

ct

[chuks]

We landed at Hassi no probs today! Must be down to better equipment (a Twotter), superior pilot ability (skygod, me) or perhaps just the luck of the draw, coming in an hour after sunrise (before all Hell broke loose).

I thought I knew what bad weather was from seeing thunderstorms and squall lines in West Africa but this desert!

One desert camp had a container blown over by the wind, something I had loosely assumed impossible and when I read about "sandstorms" I thought that meant, well, "sand" and not, "sand and gravel".

The best part is the way this weather can come up almost out of nowhere. One minute I am out there thinking, "Hoh! Money for old rope, this job!" since the folks back home are stumbling around in freezing fog and I am working on my tan in the cool desert breeze. The next thing you know there is a blast of wind that has the poor old Twotter jumping up and down on its tie-downs like a mad thing and I am cowering inside somewhere thinking about giving up on aviation to join a monastery. Give me a Nigerian thunderstorm over this any day.

[Mcritical]

Abeche tower in Tchad says: 1..2..3..4..5..5..4..3..2..1 how do you read????
:}:}:}

[chuks]

At one point in time Lagos ATC had one radio with a bad transmitter and another radio with a bad receiver.

You would get a call you couldn't read so that you would say, "You are 2 by 2, please try another radio." First problem, the guy on the ground is reading you 5 by 5 so that he thinks "You ah racisst!", dissing the black man's radio.

Finally he switches to a radio that blows your headset off, as if he's sat there on the jumpseat shouting at you. Now HE's 5 by 5 but you are coming in 2 by 2, so that he's telling you to switch to another radio!

That went along for weeks until they finally bothered to believe what everyone was telling them, that they had radio problems. Part of it was expats telling them the transmitter was weak, when they would ask a Nigeria Airways crew, who always told them it was 5 by 5, making some sort of point, I suppose. "My country, my ATC radio,"? No idea, really.

My all-time top favourite was being cleared for the ILS with, "Localiser reported inop, cleared for ILS, report runway in sight." Yeah, three out of four ain't bad, and we still have the GS, the DME and the lights.

[Cave Troll]

The other day we are inbound to Brazza. we get told by the tower that the ILS is U/S but we are cleared for the VOR approach RWY 05. when we get there to our surprise the VOR is U/S and the ILS is working. I querie this with ATC to no avail. No Speek da EENLish! He then proceeds to tell Inter air the same story about the ILS being U/S and clears him for the VOR behind us. All this with lots of rain and low cloud and very little visability.

ct

[ehwatezedoing]

Poste #115 from Chuks
The fuel bowser takes everything in strict rotation, so that if you see an An-12 on the ramp you just know you are screwed! My Twotter takes 15 minutes to top off but they drive right past to spend an hour pumping kerosene into that dinosaur.

They were pretty good at it in Accra at the end of 2006.

But with An-124 :{

[non iron]

Landing with clearance on 36L had a full emergency stop.

A local chappy had left the long grass to the right, and, pulling up his pants, strode out across the runway.
Without thinking complained bitterly on the radio.
Silence.

"sorry guys", said the twotter on the taxiway, " he did it to me too, dropping his pants for a dump on the way over, he was quick, wasn`t he ?"
That was John Watson, l think, who died in a petrol fire there.
Sorry to lower the tone guys.

[Solid Rust Twotter]

The fuel bowser takes everything in strict rotation, so that if you see an An-12 on the ramp you just know you are screwed! My Twotter takes 15 minutes to top off but they drive right past to spend an hour pumping kerosene into that dinosaur.

A lot of local fuel suppliers see bigger bucks in the larger types and will ignore your requests for fuel in order to be ready to refuel a one off large aircraft just passing through. Their little eyes sparkle at the potential for gravy while ignoring the fact that the local operators are their bread and butter as they require fuel every day while the big ship may pass through once a month. Suppose that's the price you pay for having to get your fuel from a local monopoly, probably owned by some minister. Of course, screwing up the little operator's schedule means nothing.

A little competition may improve things but it's more than likely both suppliers would become slow and useless. Entropy is a powerful force in Africa.

[non iron]

l think the second time l filled my pants was in the car park at Port Harcourt trying to make contact with the Shell rep.
Contact made through a partly open car window when the bug hit.

Luckily it was mainly water of course.

Nightmare through the queue and out to the airyplane`s bog for clean up.

l do miss that place.

[chuks]

I had one in flight with a passenger. We got him a couple of airsick bags and told him to go play "Dambusters" down the back. What was that code word again...

Anyway it was "Mission accomplished!"

We should make a list of stuff seen on the active at Lagos. "A Peugeot 504 full of Nigerian Army officers" to follow up...

John Watson, gone but not forgotten... I used to watch him down a pint in one long, smooth swallow. He did that once and then, apropos of nothing, said, "It is a brave man who farts in West Africa." Then he ordered another one and carried on without interruption. One of the good guys, there.

[ehwatezedoing]

Your driver (crew van) become an 'Ace' in less than 6 months.
By killing one goat, two dogs, a snake (not confirmed), one vulture, and a pig.
Destroying only one windshield and a bumper in the process.

When you still see 10 miles away (and barely above the horizon) this after take off IL-18's black smoke trail...Into the Harmattan's 2SM viz.

When you are happy seeing three droplets coming out of your shower at the hotel....
And, ahhh, maybe I will be able to flush my toilet as well !

When someone proudly guard your aircraft with an AK-47....and only one round in it.

When you laugh at someone asking if this goat tied up on top of this clapped out Renault is a 'pet'
(no, it's the supper! duhhh....)

:ok:

[Woof etc]

In Hassi Messaud, Algeria, just after airborne:

ATC: "ZS-ABC, what is your minimum rate of climb?"

Us: "Confirm you want our MINIMUM rate of climb?"

ATC: "yes, yes - what is your minimum rate of climb"

Us: "Our minimum rate of climb is zero fpm"

ATC: silence (apart from sound of cogs ticking)

Us: "Our maximum rate of climb is 1500 fpm, would you like us to maintain maximum rate of climb?"

ATC: "Yes please - maintain minimum rate of climb"

Us: (sigh) "Maintaining minimum rate of climb 1500 fpm"

[Woof etc]

You know you are in Africa when one of your passengers boards the plane with a carry bag emblazoned with a picture of Osama bin Laden on one side and a burning World Trade Centre on the other.

[Woof etc]

One day in Gabon a couple of years ago we were going through before start checks in the Let 410, plane full of passengers. As I adjusted my seat forward I heard a strange hissing noise accompanied by the smell of roses. What the????

Then a cacophony of laughter erupting from the cabin caught my attention. I turned around and peered back down the cabin to discover what the commotion was all about - the passenger sitting behind me, immaculately attired in a previously black suit was covered head to foot in a fragrant white foam. Further investigation revealed the source - as I had wound my seat forward, the scissor mechanism had crushed the can of air freshener we always carried under the seat, causing it to burst and instantly changing the colour of the passenger sitting behind me to a gleaming white.

The amazing thing was the dignity with which the pax carried himself after the incident, despite being covered head to foot in air freshener foam and being subjected to the ridicule of his fellow passengers. I apologised profusely and offered assistance in the clean up operation, but he insisted on cleaning up himself and didn't seem ruffled in the slightest.

I could not get the image of those two eyes peering out from this gleaming white body out of my mind, and it took me a couple of minutes to compose myself enough to request start.

gotta write this stuff down some time before I forget..

[9-er]

This thread just gets better and better! Just got told this story by a pilot from the airline concerned...

Apparently, the Chief Pilot of this fast-growing airline decided that the under-utilised fleet of Beech 1900D's was ideal for operations into 800-1000 m gravel/dirt runways (elevation 5500' AMSL and average temp 25 degrees celsius) when the loads didn't justify a Dash 8, which was 99% of the time. The 1900 pilots' attempts to explain the performance limitations of the 'D' model from such airstrips was met by the following remark from the Chief: "Its a small aircraft - if the Twin Otter or Let-410 can do it, so can the 1900."

Four tyre bursts (2 on the same day) and two lawsuits later, the 1900 was withdrawn from the route. That Chief Pilot is now unemployed....

[kinshas]

"...when 100 people, 10 goats and 4 spare tires for a AN12 disembark from a YAK 40......'':ok:
Hi lads! I laughed until one cries!:}....
But you forgot about pigs! We prefer pork!:ok:

[Flugplatz]

DNK wrote:

Received my Botswana licence with the following:

Night Rating (Aeroplane):
"The holder of this licence is entitled to act as pilot of command of a helicopter carrying passengers by night"

Hey! so maybe that's where my Bots helicopter licence went to; when my initial licence came in it had CPL(A) + IR!:}
Think they got so used to issuing for C206 that they didn't twig to the B206 (Bell Helicopter) that was submitted. They got it all sorted quick though; and log-books back in good order.

Flug

[babygoose]

you know your in Afica....when you can NEVER trust a fart again....:sad:

[Dogship]

Air Namibia's model of their Airbus 340-300 has its outer engines missing (broken off) at the recent Tourism Expo in Windhoek (29/05/2009)
:sad:

[SuperVanRider]

You know you've been in Africa when the following Bob Marley songs remind you of the legendary nights you had:

* We Jammin'
* Buffalo Soldier
* Redemption Song
* No Woman No Cry

Great thred Gent's. I've flown with most of you and I'm proud to have had the great experience and memorable times!!!! Let's kep it going! :D

[SIERRA ECHO XRAY]

....When you see some ground crew in some ****ty dusty strip is refueling from a bucket ......:E

[727gm]

The locals advise that when the wild dogs that nap in the shade of the airplane are under wingtip shade rather than center/landing gear shade like usual, to beware of cobras on preflight inspection.

Departing the Int'l Airport at night by hotel van, after passing the landscaped grounds, white-painted cement curb and white-painted (to about the 3-foot level) treetrunks of the airport, it leaves the airport, immediately bouncing and rocking on an unlit, dirt roads of the country's capital.

When upon filling the bizjet, the fueler has you write down, on the fuel ticket, the entire serial numbers of all the hundred dollar bills you are paying for fuel with(as there have been counterfeit problems). You smile anyway, knowing that your friends in the company's thirsty Boeing are "due in" shortly....

When jogging on the beach in the morning, you find an (black) human foot/ankle in the sand at high water mark.

When the fuelers are lifetime professionals, are courteous, nicely dressed, show you the fueling pressure they intend to use, drain fuel prior to fueling, test for water, and have you sign having witnessed the test, and know what they're doing, rather than just marking time in a minimum-wage job (!! Yeah, I know!)

[727gm]

When the some of the "company's" minions, who have been sleeping while you flew all night on another "mission", wake up, meet you in the lobby, and try to get you to fly an all-day mission when you are just rolling into the hotel, heading for a well-deserved rest. (there are no SOP's, no scheduling, for that matter, no manual, etc. just pilot's prudence).

After the aforesaid appeals to a need for sleep fall on deaf ears, you step into the hotel bar for a well-deserved beer (THAT, they seem to understand, means no flying for a few hours), before breakfast, and a well-deserved nap.

When strenuously skeptical of the need to pick up some VIP's at 2:30 A.M. in another capital, and said need is strenuously emphasized, and arriving at said capital yields no VIP's, no fuelers, just a sleepy but hospitable and helpful ATC person, and you get to sleep in the plane. (pickup WAS 2:30 P.M.)

When you finally refuse to ride any four-wheeled vehicle driven by either a French or Belgian (all closet Formula One-wannabe's) so as to not risk killing or maiming the dark-clad pedestrians and animals wandering along the unlit roads to and from the airport.

When, after the motions to demonstrate extreme thirst by fuelers in a North African country, how dissatisfied they are by a can of soda. They wanted beer.... they got it.

[727gm]

After experiencing the disappearence of mom-n-pop-style FAA Flight Service Stations in the USA 20-some years ago, you can walk in to the met office, and without a common language, get an excellent WX briefing by poring over the meticulously hand-drawn weather charts, looking at the GOES Satellite Photo on the screen(the days before real internet access), and reading the forecast departure and destination WX off a teletype(?).

When there is a machine-gun nest mounted on the ATC tower.

When, with the wonderful power of epaulets, it is possible to walk around AK47-armed airport guards as if they were posts, in order to avoid the long lines of locals, or duck thru any-old baggage conveyor opening to walk out thru any-odd ticket counter for the same purpose.

When walking around back of the baggage x-ray equipment, you see that the luggage conveyor works, but not the x-ray/viewing screen(yet operators are viewing it somewhat intently).

ATC finally gives you your entire ATC route clearance as part of your clearance for an immediate takeoff.

[727gm]

You have a fresh new F.E. Rating, etc, validated in-country that day by the relevant local authorities while you slept at the hotel, and then blast off that night with a full load of passengers for the Haj with no I.O.E.

Locals refuse to go further into the ocean than about calf-deep. (their mother had said demons might "take" them)

You end up knowing all your frequent passenger's and crewmember's passport numbers and birthdates by heart.

You know what 126.9 is for.

What appears, at first encounter, to be a missing toilet actually has foot pads on either side of it.

You get to the point that you are eventually just pleased to find footpads that actually extend ABOVE the level of the "water" in the stall area, and are DRY!

Bookstores do not carry books written by their famous countrymen, and can't be bothered to obtain copies of them.

You see cities far below, where roads peter-out into trails and just disappear into the scrub.

French-speaking European flight crews pretend that they don't hear you calling them to relay a position report, but English-speaking Europeans and Africans cheerfully pass it on to ATC.

[RobinB]

Rumor had it that the Marshall’s Great Mahogany Throne was installed somewhere in the mid section of his 707. I don’t know, personally, I never saw it first hand,

"Treeeemendous" - check out the rest of the saga

JetPhotos.Net Photo » 9Q-CLK (CN: 17702) Democratic Republic of Congo - Government Boeing 707-138B by Rob Boyes (http://www.jetphotos.net/viewphoto.php?id=6055263)

and comments attached to the pic

Have been reading this thread for 2 days now - classic :hmm::)

[RobinB]

Honestly planecrazi, what exactly is people killed by a train while having sex have to do with aviation ????

Perhaps they were on "cloud 9";)

[Duck Dogers]

I recall some years ago while driving in sunny Port Harcourt being road blocked and an individual springing out from the bushes wearing mask from head to knees with a fearful face painted on it and dry grass protruding from all around. He was wielding a machete and dancing around not 6 inches from my face ( though the van window of course).

I asked my driver " Rasheed, what is this business?"
Rasheed's reply " Oh Captin it ees de mediceen mun, he is puttin a cus oon yoo"

After a while he got bored and we were let through.

Funny, I used to be 6'4" and hung like a horse.......now I'm only 5'2".:ooh:

[Bearcroft]

Hello All

Completely unrelated to most conversation but have to ask.
I am currentlt getting all paper work together to start up a PPL and CPL to fly in Africa. I am looking at doing teh training in Kenya as it woudl mostly be where I am flying eventually - or so I hope.
I am currently putting together a proposal for sponsorship as sadly don't have $45K hanging about under the mattress.
This bearing in mind I would be hoping to do some volunteer flying to gain hours for CPL.
Has anyone done something along these line, if so I would be thrilled if you could share your experiences, advice, warnings etc.

Looking forward to replies

Thanks

[SIERRA ECHO XRAY]

Dude did you read the thread ???...wewe ni mkenya nywele ngumu..chonga viazi na choma makaa....is wat i did.


Again you know u are in Africa when the al-shabaab are boarding ur aircraft with no airport security checks or wanding at all :E:E:E

[Alcione]

You know that you are there when.....

You transport a nice convertble car for the president of the nation,. and the day after you see a Kid, two years older than you son, asking if you wnt your shoes to be clean.

:sad:

[non iron]

After an off-duty session from flying, as a barman through dawn, the local staff arrived to resume normality.
The senior staff member began taking brekky orders, " bacon,two eggs, ok, one egg and l`ll risk the sausage,ok, beans and bacon,ok, barman ? what will you have ? ( actually it was Sir but my skin crawls remembering)
l`ll have a woman please, ok, fruit and a full fry-up please, just a fry-up for me,ok.
Drinking continued and then breakfast plates arrived.
The steward said, very quietly, Sir your woman is outside.

l hope she got a quarter of what l paid to just let her go.

[Flutterbug]

Dont Get that???

[Capetonian]

King Mswati III of Swaziland, Africa’s last absolute monarch and ruler of some of the poorest people in the world, has sent his favourite wives on a multimillion-pound shopping jaunt through Europe, the Middle East and Asia, provoking fierce criticism of his profligacy.

Britain has been drawn into the row because of the millions of pounds in aid reportedly given to the kingdom, with campaigners accusing Whitehall of double standards. “They shout about Zimbabwe, but keep quiet about what is happening in Swaziland, even though they are one of its biggest aid donors. They are wasting British taxpayers’ money on this tyrant,” Lucky Lukhele, of the Swaziland Solidarity Network (SSN), told The Times.

The landlocked kingdom of Swaziland is home to about 1.2 million people, more than two thirds of whom live in abject poverty on less than 50 pence a day. More than a quarter of the adult population has HIV — the highest ratio in the world.

The king enjoys a personal fortune of about £145 million, as the beneficiary of two funds created by his father, Sobhuza II, in trust for the nation. He also receives money from the national budget for his family’s upkeep. Last year this totalled £12 million — more than was set aside for education.

Reports from the kingdom said that the king had dispatched at least five of his 13 wives and dozens of retainers to France, Italy, Dubai and Taiwan on a secret tour last week, using £4 million from the state budget. In Swaziland it is a criminal offence to criticise the king’s private life. The Government declined to comment.

Swaziland is heavily dependent on handouts from the international community. According to SSN, Britain pays the lion’s share of an estimated £65 million in annual European Union aid, the second-highest amount after the US, which donates about $200 million (£142 million) a year.

Two years ago, Foreign and Commonwealth Office cuts led to the closure of the UK’s Embassy in Mbabane, the capital, and the country is now monitored from neighbouring South Africa. A British diplomatic source said that the Government had made clear its concern over “governance issues” in Swaziland and no longer gave bilateral support.

King Mswati, who was educated at the English public school at Sherborne, Dorset, is no stranger to controversy. In May he bought 20 armoured Mercedes Benz cars at a cost of £150,000 each; last year he held a sumptuous “40/40” party to celebrate the twin events of his 40th birthday and the 40th anniversary of his country’s independence.

He owns several private palaces where he houses his many wives, some of whom have run away and sought refuge in South Africa.

[rudder hard over]

I remember last year doing a contract for a West African Airline flying B732's. The Captain I flew with couldnt speak English and I couldn't speak French which made for an interesting combination. Strange thing is, after a days work we would go to the pub and after a few Castels we would have a crackingly good conversation!

[FL999]

Awesome thread, keep em coming!

- Went to Plaisance Intl. in Mauritius once for some spotting(Spent about half a day there!). This BA 747 pushes back and starts taxiing to the holding point. Right on schedule. 9:20AM I think it was. I was thinking, great, on-time departure, those passengers must be pretty satisfied. However....the 74 reached the holding point and just stood there. I was thinking maybe another plane was coming in to land so he had to hold short. I tried to look for said plane in vain for about 10 minutes. Then i thought the 74 probably had some sort of technical problem but he showed no sign of trying to go back to the gate and nothing else was happening...no tow truck no ambulance no nothing. So im thinking..what is he waiting for, the airport is absolutely deserted and theres nothing in the sky and nothing approaching and its been already 15 minutes. Finally 20 minutes after that poor 74 reached the holding point, i see a spec afar. 5 minutes later this A340 comes in and lands. This poor guy had to wait for 25 minutes at the holding point when the incoming plane was probably still in freakin Madagascar(So to speak). I didnt have my VHF radio that day unfortunately....would have been interesting to hear the ATC conversation:)

- You also know you're in Africa when you're asked for your position when you're over the threshold about to touchdown...(MU again)

[scaramuzzo]

I have a feeling some of us havent stayed in Africa long enough....

I have .... for 10 years and I have no intention of leaving...

[chuks]

Is the grammar. It is all downhill after that.

Ten years, huh? You need to get your knees brown!

[Nightfire]

Ten years??? Huahahahahahaha!!!! :D

[contrabando]

You know you're in Africa when...you see 200 Africans actually pushing a brokedown 737 back up the runway from where it stopped on landing. A true incident, Cabinda, Angola 2001.:eek:

[Capetonian]

... when you see a security 'guard' pushing luggage through the x-ray screener with a long stick, because there is a power failure, but "everything has to go through the x-ray for security, sah!"

[njamwitha]

Yes,give Africa a Break. And if you don't like it,fly elsewhere.Its embarassing that one of us sees a gorilla...a drunk one at that... in the place of an African:O.You are in the wrong profession, and Africa would be happy if you kept away....