Captive Audience 30,000 Feet in the Air
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Captive Audience 30,000 Feet in the Air
Captive Audience 30,000 Feet in the Air
New York Times 02/17/04
author: Joe Sharkey
c. 2004 New York Times Company
Some business travelers gripe that airlines have been giving them a figurative song and dance for too many years. But lately, some airlines have been offering an actual song and dance, and a lot of readers responding to last week's column don't appreciate it.
Katie Karlovitz wrote to describe "something I just experienced on JetBlue - the pilot yakking away with lame jokes, as if our flight taking off was Open Mike Night at the Comedy Club instead of a huge flying machine loaded with people and fuel."
The main topic of last week's column was the American Airlines pilot who used the public address system on a transcontinental flight to evangelize for converts to Christianity. Gerard J. Arpey, chief executive of the AMR Corporation, American's parent company, subsequently apologized for the pilot's behavior.
Gail Myers was among scores of readers who expressed outrage at the pilot's action. "That was more offensive to me than the media cause célèbre'' at the Super Bowl halftime show, she wrote.
But in that column I also noted in passing that any plane full of passengers was a captive audience, and that a handful of airlines - Southwest, JetBlue and Song among them - are encouraging flight crews to entertain passengers with wisecracks, patter, songs and silly group games. Asked about that, many readers booed.
Though she called it a "lesser offense" than a proselytizing pilot, Mary Beeson said it was still "a bad idea for airlines to encourage crews to 'entertain' passengers with jokes and wisecracks." Humor, she noted, "is an extremely subjective thing."
Heather Thomson agreed. "I travel extensively on business and use my flight time as office time," she said, "so at the risk of being a humorless drudge, I confess to finding these tactics annoying."
Being subject to live in-flight entertainment from the merry crew is like "being hijacked by a band of cartoon characters," groused Alan Gottesman.
John Richard said that "corporate travel policies" made him a frequent flier on Southwest. "Please save your shtick for your Star Search audition," he suggested, adding: "Always bear in mind that oldest of show-biz saws: Dying is easy; comedy is hard."
After wincing through a singing Southwest pilot's performance, Peter Talbert said, "Just get me where I'm going and leave me in peace." Passengers who don't want to listen are "a captive audience with no hook." That's because the hook "would have been confiscated at the security check," he wisecracked.
Alan Hogenauer mentioned the inevitable rerun factor encountered by frequent fliers. "Yes, some folks seem to chortle at Southwest's feeble attempts to be funny," he said. "But after the third or fourth rendition by plagiarizing flight attendants, it gets mighty tedious."
Ruth L. Grossman remembers thinking "silence is golden," during the jokes and games on a Song flight. Then, when "no one arrived to open the door for 15 minutes after we landed and passengers stood in the aisles in expectation, somehow the crew remained mute," she noted dryly.
Still, a fair number of readers said they had no objections to frivolity.
"I'm a United Executive Premier and have suffered through my share of tedious pilot speeches, but thankfully no one has yet tried to convert me," wrote Liz Lutz, who added: "I do like the comedy routines on Southwest, though. After the interminable security line at Oakland and the hassle of no preassigned seating, it's a welcome change to encounter nonrobotic flight attendants who actually seem to be enjoying their jobs."
Susan Forman recalled a harrowing flight in stormy weather when her plane suddenly dropped like a rock for six long seconds before recovering. The pilot didn't make an announcement afterward to explain. "I was petrified," she wrote. "I do a fair bit of business travel, and am now grateful for any words from the cockpit, humorous or otherwise, when I fly. It means the pilots are relaxed and comfortable with the flight - and so am I."
Harvey Diamond recalled: "I was on a US Air trip and the pilot said, 'We have some good news and bad news. The good news is we have on board a man having his 100th birthday.' Everyone clapped and cheered. 'The bad news is the 100-year-old man is the pilot.' Well, the laughs were huge."
David L. Hoffman Jr. said he enjoyed the announcement from a JetBlue pilot approaching San Francisco International: "Well, we've found the airport again."
Rick Stark also liked a JetBlue joke. "The other day during the rollout after landing in Orlando, the pilot went on the P.A. and said, "Whoa, big fella." Dick Allphin heard the same one on a different airline. "On Southwest, just as we landed and the plane's reverse thrusters went into action, the flight attendant called out, "Whoa, big boy," he recounted.
Bill Gander, a Continental captain for 23 years, said that he tailored his flight announcements to the passengers and the route, sticking to the bare facts on flights full of business travelers, and more often making occasional small talk on heavily leisure flights.
Here's one he has used when it is time to leave the gate and passengers are still standing: "We need all passengers to please be seated so we can begin pushing back; also, if you're standing in the aisle, I can't see to back this thing up."
Donald Bain wrote the best-selling "Coffee, Tea or Me?," a 1967 memoir purportedly by two swinging stewardesses whose names appeared as authors and whose anecdotes were loosely woven into Mr. Bain's imaginative narrative. One stewardess told him she made the following announcement over the P.A. on her last flight on Eastern Airlines: "We're about to land. Please be sure you're wearing your shoes. That'll make it easier to match up legs in the event of an accident."
Meanwhile, Bruce Buckland pointed out that "it is possible to have in-flight announcements" from passengers. His 6-year-old daughter gave one during a landing in Boston after some turbulence. When the aircraft touched down with a big bounce, his daughter grabbed the armrests and yelled "at the top of her lungs: Hold on, everybody!"
On the Road appears each Tuesday. E-mail: [email protected].
New York Times 02/17/04
author: Joe Sharkey
c. 2004 New York Times Company
Some business travelers gripe that airlines have been giving them a figurative song and dance for too many years. But lately, some airlines have been offering an actual song and dance, and a lot of readers responding to last week's column don't appreciate it.
Katie Karlovitz wrote to describe "something I just experienced on JetBlue - the pilot yakking away with lame jokes, as if our flight taking off was Open Mike Night at the Comedy Club instead of a huge flying machine loaded with people and fuel."
The main topic of last week's column was the American Airlines pilot who used the public address system on a transcontinental flight to evangelize for converts to Christianity. Gerard J. Arpey, chief executive of the AMR Corporation, American's parent company, subsequently apologized for the pilot's behavior.
Gail Myers was among scores of readers who expressed outrage at the pilot's action. "That was more offensive to me than the media cause célèbre'' at the Super Bowl halftime show, she wrote.
But in that column I also noted in passing that any plane full of passengers was a captive audience, and that a handful of airlines - Southwest, JetBlue and Song among them - are encouraging flight crews to entertain passengers with wisecracks, patter, songs and silly group games. Asked about that, many readers booed.
Though she called it a "lesser offense" than a proselytizing pilot, Mary Beeson said it was still "a bad idea for airlines to encourage crews to 'entertain' passengers with jokes and wisecracks." Humor, she noted, "is an extremely subjective thing."
Heather Thomson agreed. "I travel extensively on business and use my flight time as office time," she said, "so at the risk of being a humorless drudge, I confess to finding these tactics annoying."
Being subject to live in-flight entertainment from the merry crew is like "being hijacked by a band of cartoon characters," groused Alan Gottesman.
John Richard said that "corporate travel policies" made him a frequent flier on Southwest. "Please save your shtick for your Star Search audition," he suggested, adding: "Always bear in mind that oldest of show-biz saws: Dying is easy; comedy is hard."
After wincing through a singing Southwest pilot's performance, Peter Talbert said, "Just get me where I'm going and leave me in peace." Passengers who don't want to listen are "a captive audience with no hook." That's because the hook "would have been confiscated at the security check," he wisecracked.
Alan Hogenauer mentioned the inevitable rerun factor encountered by frequent fliers. "Yes, some folks seem to chortle at Southwest's feeble attempts to be funny," he said. "But after the third or fourth rendition by plagiarizing flight attendants, it gets mighty tedious."
Ruth L. Grossman remembers thinking "silence is golden," during the jokes and games on a Song flight. Then, when "no one arrived to open the door for 15 minutes after we landed and passengers stood in the aisles in expectation, somehow the crew remained mute," she noted dryly.
Still, a fair number of readers said they had no objections to frivolity.
"I'm a United Executive Premier and have suffered through my share of tedious pilot speeches, but thankfully no one has yet tried to convert me," wrote Liz Lutz, who added: "I do like the comedy routines on Southwest, though. After the interminable security line at Oakland and the hassle of no preassigned seating, it's a welcome change to encounter nonrobotic flight attendants who actually seem to be enjoying their jobs."
Susan Forman recalled a harrowing flight in stormy weather when her plane suddenly dropped like a rock for six long seconds before recovering. The pilot didn't make an announcement afterward to explain. "I was petrified," she wrote. "I do a fair bit of business travel, and am now grateful for any words from the cockpit, humorous or otherwise, when I fly. It means the pilots are relaxed and comfortable with the flight - and so am I."
Harvey Diamond recalled: "I was on a US Air trip and the pilot said, 'We have some good news and bad news. The good news is we have on board a man having his 100th birthday.' Everyone clapped and cheered. 'The bad news is the 100-year-old man is the pilot.' Well, the laughs were huge."
David L. Hoffman Jr. said he enjoyed the announcement from a JetBlue pilot approaching San Francisco International: "Well, we've found the airport again."
Rick Stark also liked a JetBlue joke. "The other day during the rollout after landing in Orlando, the pilot went on the P.A. and said, "Whoa, big fella." Dick Allphin heard the same one on a different airline. "On Southwest, just as we landed and the plane's reverse thrusters went into action, the flight attendant called out, "Whoa, big boy," he recounted.
Bill Gander, a Continental captain for 23 years, said that he tailored his flight announcements to the passengers and the route, sticking to the bare facts on flights full of business travelers, and more often making occasional small talk on heavily leisure flights.
Here's one he has used when it is time to leave the gate and passengers are still standing: "We need all passengers to please be seated so we can begin pushing back; also, if you're standing in the aisle, I can't see to back this thing up."
Donald Bain wrote the best-selling "Coffee, Tea or Me?," a 1967 memoir purportedly by two swinging stewardesses whose names appeared as authors and whose anecdotes were loosely woven into Mr. Bain's imaginative narrative. One stewardess told him she made the following announcement over the P.A. on her last flight on Eastern Airlines: "We're about to land. Please be sure you're wearing your shoes. That'll make it easier to match up legs in the event of an accident."
Meanwhile, Bruce Buckland pointed out that "it is possible to have in-flight announcements" from passengers. His 6-year-old daughter gave one during a landing in Boston after some turbulence. When the aircraft touched down with a big bounce, his daughter grabbed the armrests and yelled "at the top of her lungs: Hold on, everybody!"
On the Road appears each Tuesday. E-mail: [email protected].
It sounded like an April fools joke at the time but about 5-6 years ago someone in our esteemed management decided that pilots would read the latest news, sports and traffic info to the pax. during the flight. They even went as far as arranging for the latest bulletins to faxed around the network so we would always have up to date information. The idea was do your inflight PA then "and now a few items of news" or words to that effect. As you can imagine the idea was greeted with the derision it deserved, on a 40 minute leg there is quite enough to do anyway, and it was quietly dropped a few weeks later.
Captive Audience.
Remember that, Max. Dissolved very rapidly, didn't it?
Nice crisp,factual PA then a quick fag and the Telegraph Xword.
How many more sectors left, Bloggs ??
Rgds, Sleeve.
Nice crisp,factual PA then a quick fag and the Telegraph Xword.
How many more sectors left, Bloggs ??
Rgds, Sleeve.
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I was a new f/o on the Brasilia many moons ago, with a wizened old redneck captain to my left and a lithe young flight attendant in the back.
Bored with the state of things, the captain said, "Watch this!" He grabbed the PA mike and said, "Folks, you may want to take the time to say hello to Mary, our flight attendant today. Her recipe for pecan pie was published in last month's Southern Living magazine! Ask her all about it...." He then hung up the mike, sat back and smiled.
Bored with the state of things, the captain said, "Watch this!" He grabbed the PA mike and said, "Folks, you may want to take the time to say hello to Mary, our flight attendant today. Her recipe for pecan pie was published in last month's Southern Living magazine! Ask her all about it...." He then hung up the mike, sat back and smiled.
Dancing with the devil, going with the flow... it's all a game to me.
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As always it's the self important, humourless, attention seeking few who make the headlines whining about their rights and numurous causes of offence. What about all those who loved the novel PA approach? Where are they?
But as for.....
Okay........
VFE.
But as for.....
Susan Forman recalled a harrowing flight in stormy weather when her plane suddenly dropped like a rock for six long seconds before recovering.
VFE.
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Maybe most people just want to get from A to B as quickly, efficiently and pleasantly as possible. A bit of levity may well be appropriate upon occaisions but the majority do not want their crews to be taking on the roles of clowns or stand up comics. That is what you expect in a comedy club not an airplane.
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Sitting in First Class flying into San Jose International I once heard through the cockpit door:
Whoop, Whoop, pull up, terrain, Whoop, whoop. Over and over again for about a minute. You can bet your arse that nobody in First Class was thinking it was funny.
Whoop, Whoop, pull up, terrain, Whoop, whoop. Over and over again for about a minute. You can bet your arse that nobody in First Class was thinking it was funny.
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Saw a comedy sketch some years ago where a bored "pilot" picked up the PA mike and said
"Ladies and Gentlemen......This is the Captain.....There is absolutely no cause for concern....."
Have often felt like using it ...but never had the nerve.
"Ladies and Gentlemen......This is the Captain.....There is absolutely no cause for concern....."
Have often felt like using it ...but never had the nerve.
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Hector,you are refering to Monty Python's sketch,it cracked me up...Those guys are genuine geniuses... 
I'll try to dig it up...
It really is beyond me how they come up with such stuff,I actually fell off a chair.BTW,if you do try it eventually,let us know of the result
I'll try to dig it up...It really is beyond me how they come up with such stuff,I actually fell off a chair.BTW,if you do try it eventually,let us know of the result
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from python...
This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways. You'll have had your tea. Our destination is Glasgow. There is no need to panic.
This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways. You'll have had your tea. Our destination is Glasgow. There is no need to panic.
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Found it,can't remember where I copied it from,I hope I won't get persecuted 
Anyways,it's a nice place to find inspirations for PA,unfortunately,no one is crazy enoguh to really try this,in coordination with all the characters...It'd be a laugh,for me at least...
The Airline Pilots sketch
The Cast Captain: John Cleese
First Officer: Graham Chapman
Steward: Michael Palin
(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit.
The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly.
They are obviously very bored.)
C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.
FO: Sky.
C: Mm-hm.
FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.
C: Cloud.
FO: Yeah.
Oh God, I'm so bored.
C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game.
I know what..
FO: What?
(The Captain picks up a microphone.)
C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking.
There is absolutely no cause for concern."
That'll get them thinking.
(The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)
C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in.
They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm
about? Are the wings on fire?'
(over intercom) "The wings are not on fire."
Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?'
So we say...
(The Steward enters.)
FO: Oh, how are we doing?
S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating;
Looking a bit worried...
C: Good.
S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.
C: Is he there yet?
S: He's just closing the door... NOW!
C: One... Two... Three..
FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your
seat-belts immediately."
S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers.
I'll do the worried walk now.
(He leaves.)
FO: Right. Safety regulations.
C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.
FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want
to remind you of some of the safety regulations.
In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..."
(The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)
FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."
C: "Bzzzz"
(They both laugh.)
C: Oh, that's got them rattled.
S: (enters) Great, great! (exit)
C: Hey, I've got an idea!
"Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."
FO: No, they're on the racks.
C: Sh, shh, let them scrabble a bit.
"I'm sorry, you will ind them on the racks above your heads."
FO: Aaah!
S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvellous!
FO: Right. Gobbledegook.
C: Oh, yes.
FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange.
Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency
photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."
S: (looks out) Marvellous, milling about, climbing over the seats.
FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back
and release it..."
C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."
S: That got them back to their seats.
FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."
C: "but do not leave your seats."
FO: "Do not panic."
C: "Tea will now be served."
FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"
C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."
FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and
place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."
C: "Except for hand luggage..."
FO: "which you should sit on."
(They are in fits of laughter.)
C: Now have a look.
S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out!
(They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows.
After a while the laughter dies away.
There is a lengthy pause.)
C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble
about this.
(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)
Anyways,it's a nice place to find inspirations for PA,unfortunately,no one is crazy enoguh to really try this,in coordination with all the characters...It'd be a laugh,for me at least...
The Airline Pilots sketch
The Cast Captain: John Cleese
First Officer: Graham Chapman
Steward: Michael Palin
(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit.
The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly.
They are obviously very bored.)
C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.
FO: Sky.
C: Mm-hm.
FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.
C: Cloud.
FO: Yeah.
Oh God, I'm so bored.
C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game.
I know what..
FO: What?
(The Captain picks up a microphone.)
C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking.
There is absolutely no cause for concern."
That'll get them thinking.
(The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)
C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in.
They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm
about? Are the wings on fire?'
(over intercom) "The wings are not on fire."
Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?'
So we say...
(The Steward enters.)
FO: Oh, how are we doing?
S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating;
Looking a bit worried...
C: Good.
S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.
C: Is he there yet?
S: He's just closing the door... NOW!
C: One... Two... Three..
FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your
seat-belts immediately."
S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers.
I'll do the worried walk now.
(He leaves.)
FO: Right. Safety regulations.
C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.
FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want
to remind you of some of the safety regulations.
In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..."
(The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)
FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."
C: "Bzzzz"
(They both laugh.)
C: Oh, that's got them rattled.
S: (enters) Great, great! (exit)
C: Hey, I've got an idea!
"Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."
FO: No, they're on the racks.
C: Sh, shh, let them scrabble a bit.
"I'm sorry, you will ind them on the racks above your heads."
FO: Aaah!
S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvellous!
FO: Right. Gobbledegook.
C: Oh, yes.
FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange.
Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency
photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."
S: (looks out) Marvellous, milling about, climbing over the seats.
FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back
and release it..."
C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."
S: That got them back to their seats.
FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."
C: "but do not leave your seats."
FO: "Do not panic."
C: "Tea will now be served."
FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"
C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."
FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and
place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."
C: "Except for hand luggage..."
FO: "which you should sit on."
(They are in fits of laughter.)
C: Now have a look.
S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out!
(They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows.
After a while the laughter dies away.
There is a lengthy pause.)
C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble
about this.
(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)
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The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you.
Click here
Edit: beaten to it!!
Click here
Edit: beaten to it!!
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Agreed VFE
I know policies change, and suppose there are (probably?) good reasons, but I miss the old days when we heard much more from the cockpit, especially when flight crews used to draw attention to interesting sights on clear days.
I've got used to the change, but what I do find extremely irritating is having to put up with unnecessary announcements by CC.
I appreciate some are necessary but, too often, no sooner has the Captain or F/O told us to just 'sit back and enjoy the flight' than the CSD or IFS interrupts our relaxation with seemingly interminable announcements - which these days often includes introducing the rest of the CC by name.
I don't know if it's company policy or individuals asserting their 'status' (or being too fond of the PA mic) but it's a great relief when they eventually stop and we're actually allowed to 'sit back and enjoy the flight.'
FL (in Victor Meldrew mode.
)
I know policies change, and suppose there are (probably?) good reasons, but I miss the old days when we heard much more from the cockpit, especially when flight crews used to draw attention to interesting sights on clear days.
I've got used to the change, but what I do find extremely irritating is having to put up with unnecessary announcements by CC.
I appreciate some are necessary but, too often, no sooner has the Captain or F/O told us to just 'sit back and enjoy the flight' than the CSD or IFS interrupts our relaxation with seemingly interminable announcements - which these days often includes introducing the rest of the CC by name.
I don't know if it's company policy or individuals asserting their 'status' (or being too fond of the PA mic) but it's a great relief when they eventually stop and we're actually allowed to 'sit back and enjoy the flight.'
FL (in Victor Meldrew mode.
)
Last edited by Flying Lawyer; 18th Feb 2004 at 09:04.
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few years ago I flew in from Toronto to LHR and then to a connecting flight to Edinburgh. Needless to say I was jet lagged and very tired. After boarding and just before push back, the a member of the crew announced over the PA. Welcome to BA**** to Glasgow. After a few seconds when this had sunk in, a women two rows in front of me, jumped to her feet in a pure panic. I said to myself, if we are going to Glasgow, so be it. I didnt care!
It was April 1St.
WE made EdI
It was April 1St.
WE made EdI
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Was pax into Perth international on a 'kangaroo' 767 some years ago. After a long float after flare the PF put her down firmly, which in the cabin translated to BANG and a fair old shimmy, lots of screams and the usual terrified faces!. Calm as you like voice over the PA " Ladies and Gentlemen, just in case you hadn't noticed, we have arrived in Peth"
Classic!
Classic!
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You've really got to be careful in the politically correct U.S. these days lest you offend someone...
For example:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,78139,00.html
For example:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,78139,00.html
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Anybody remember the "Red sky at night , Windsor Castles alight" crack over the PA? I think someone got into trouble for that one too....Í think nowadays pax expect us to be more professsional. I wouldn´t want my doctor cracking jokes.
Cool as a moosp
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Ahhh the intricacies of the passenger address system. My pet peeve is from flight deck crew on 747 aircraft who say, “out of the left windows you can see … “ not realising that depending on the seat configuration only around 10% of your audience will be able to view your point of interest. 90% will be on a vast scale between nihilism and anger that you even mentioned what they are missing.
Favourite was from an internal flight in a wonderful country in Asia where time-keeping and efficiency have never destroyed the warmth and casualness of the population. The cabin chief got on the PA just before the doors closed and said, “Welcome to this XYZ airlines flight to ABC city. Will passengers for other destinations please deplane at this time.”
Around half the aircraft got up and left.
I can live in countries like that.
Favourite was from an internal flight in a wonderful country in Asia where time-keeping and efficiency have never destroyed the warmth and casualness of the population. The cabin chief got on the PA just before the doors closed and said, “Welcome to this XYZ airlines flight to ABC city. Will passengers for other destinations please deplane at this time.”
Around half the aircraft got up and left.
I can live in countries like that.