Veritas Airlines Pre Flight Announcement
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Veritas Airlines Pre Flight Announcement
In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one sound like?
“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.
The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.
Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.
Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.
On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.
Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.
After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”
The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.
Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.
Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.
On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.
Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.
After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”
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Posted as a bit of fun. Clearly Tightslot doesn't appreciate it. Sense of humour failure, or just a case of De Gustibus non est Disputandum (and that's not a rather nasty Romanian Chardonnay by the way).
Another cheap jibe directed at me by Tightslot. Keep them coming, it's water off a duck's back.
Another cheap jibe directed at me by Tightslot. Keep them coming, it's water off a duck's back.
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I wondered who that would flush out of the woodwork - No significant surprises.
Yet again, I'll remind you all of how it goes in here. This forum does not exist as a service to those who hate both airlines, and those who work in them - Other bulletin boards exist where those of a like mind may gather to ladle vitriol and outrage, and demonstrate the superiority of their intellect, flying experience and prose style. Here on PPRuNe we aspire to be something different and of greater use.
Capetonian's OP fits in with his previous history of posting - A relentlessly negative general attitude to all things airline, masked by a high intellect and the occasional 'neutral' post to cover the tracks. The truth (however unpalatable) is that the quoted text (article?) above is quite simply factually inaccurate. Every paragraph, except (arguably) the second is based on a premise that is either contentious or simply inaccurate: It may be that it fits in with the perception of some passengers, in which case the article should be presented as conjecture, not as if it had some basis in truth. It is dinner-table chatter because it only has validity within a circle of people who have little knowledge of the detail of the subject, but believe otherwise.
I moderate this forum as best I can, in the UK and from overseas, in between flying duties, for no money, and often when tired (as now): This is true for every other moderator on PPRuNe - that's the point of the place: It is run by people who actually do the job and know the answers. When I, and my fellow mods have worked ourselves hard (I have just slept for 10 hours on returning home) in an attempt to make life as pleasant as possible for our customers, it is galling to find ourselves sniped at by those who cannot be bothered to ascertain the truth, or who ignore the facts because they do not fit comfortably with their own perceptions.
PPRuNe is just an anonymous bulletin board, nothing more. If you do not like the way that this forum is moderated, or if you do not agree with the forum philosophy the the answer is simple - Do not come here. If you insist on returning, then eventually the time will come when a permanent ban becomes an easier option than having to deal with the issues on a case by case basis. I promise you, Capetonian and Hotel Tango both, that PPRuNe and this forum will continue without you both and the world will continue to turn. The evidence of the last time that I performed a cull of the most tedious serial contributors, is that it will be a better place for it.
I would suggest that you consider the above carefully, and strongly suggest that you self-moderate accordingly.
Yet again, I'll remind you all of how it goes in here. This forum does not exist as a service to those who hate both airlines, and those who work in them - Other bulletin boards exist where those of a like mind may gather to ladle vitriol and outrage, and demonstrate the superiority of their intellect, flying experience and prose style. Here on PPRuNe we aspire to be something different and of greater use.
Capetonian's OP fits in with his previous history of posting - A relentlessly negative general attitude to all things airline, masked by a high intellect and the occasional 'neutral' post to cover the tracks. The truth (however unpalatable) is that the quoted text (article?) above is quite simply factually inaccurate. Every paragraph, except (arguably) the second is based on a premise that is either contentious or simply inaccurate: It may be that it fits in with the perception of some passengers, in which case the article should be presented as conjecture, not as if it had some basis in truth. It is dinner-table chatter because it only has validity within a circle of people who have little knowledge of the detail of the subject, but believe otherwise.
I moderate this forum as best I can, in the UK and from overseas, in between flying duties, for no money, and often when tired (as now): This is true for every other moderator on PPRuNe - that's the point of the place: It is run by people who actually do the job and know the answers. When I, and my fellow mods have worked ourselves hard (I have just slept for 10 hours on returning home) in an attempt to make life as pleasant as possible for our customers, it is galling to find ourselves sniped at by those who cannot be bothered to ascertain the truth, or who ignore the facts because they do not fit comfortably with their own perceptions.
PPRuNe is just an anonymous bulletin board, nothing more. If you do not like the way that this forum is moderated, or if you do not agree with the forum philosophy the the answer is simple - Do not come here. If you insist on returning, then eventually the time will come when a permanent ban becomes an easier option than having to deal with the issues on a case by case basis. I promise you, Capetonian and Hotel Tango both, that PPRuNe and this forum will continue without you both and the world will continue to turn. The evidence of the last time that I performed a cull of the most tedious serial contributors, is that it will be a better place for it.
I would suggest that you consider the above carefully, and strongly suggest that you self-moderate accordingly.
