Funny radio chat
 

So to be a little more light hearted than some of the other topics here, can anyone pass on something they've heard on the radio between Pilots-ATC etc. that has given them a laugh!
My latest was yesterday between ATC and Virgin:

MEl ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah

Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.

MEL ATC: I wish!



http://community.airattack.co.uk/ima...ggrinangel.gif

Heard on Essendon tower frequency last week, while in 26 doing runups. A/C about to land on 35 transmitted "ABC short final". EN Tower "ABC clear to land. You sound like my wife - nag nag nag. Sorry I was a bit behind the 8 ball there!"

Another from Essendon last week:

VH-ABC: Tower, ABC
EN TWR: ABC, go ahead
VH-ABC:ahh tower, would you be able to organise a taxi for my passengers please, leaving from the main terminal.
EN TWR: umm ok no worries, under what name?
VH-ABC: just put it under ********
EN TWR: ok

few minutes later

VH-ABC: tower, ABC
EN TWR: ABC, go ahead
VH-ABC:yeh, can you just make sure that the pax are able to fit some ski's in the taxi as well thanks
EN TWR: ok......

(I'm sure tower was waiting for him to call back and ask if he could pick up the drycleaning for the pilot as well
:D :D :D )

Best tale I can recall happened years ago late one night whilst motoring across the Bight in a three-holer.

The crew concerned were, as you might expect, bored out of their tiny little minds and tried some CB chatter on the HF to relieve the tedium. After a lengthy exchange with a truckie ... he asked where they were ... and got very shirty ... don't think he believed them.... when they told him the facts of the matter ...

As to ATC exchanges, the following tales always stay with me ..

(a) Caribou returning to Richmond one evening while an Iroquois cast of thousands was doing circuits ..... apparently, if one opens the DV and positions near the rear corner of the cockpit, there is an audio oscillation which sounds just like the "wock-wock-wock" of the Iroquois ... needless to say the Caribou guys made an inappropriate transmission which caused the aforementioned cast of thousands to be invited to tea and bikkies the following day ...

(b) an endearing tale of a crew motoring into Cairns years ago ... when ATC intended to position them visually, the request was along the lines of "are you familiar with Yorkey's Knob ?" (a local geographic feature). This was followed by an answer which was both pertinent and poignant ....

Virgin 123: Centre have you got any ride reports at FL340?
Centre: Malaysia 456 whats the ride like at FL340?
Malaysia 456: (In an expat ozy drawl) Smooth as a baby's bottom.
Centre: Virgin 123 that sum up the ride at FL340 for you??
Virgin 123: Affirm thanks.

Pause.......

Virgin 123: Centre we'd like some of the kindergarden action, request climb FL340.

On first contact.......

"Sing cargoxxxx, immediately turn right, you are entering an area of live anti-aircraft firing. Turn right by 90 degrees and climb, climb to FL350!"

"Turning right and climbing, Sing cargoxxxx".

Agitated: "Sing cargo, turn harder, sir, as hard as you can."

Deafening silence.

"Sing cargo, you have now exited the area. In all the excitement, I forgot what level you were assigned."

Aussie voice now: "You were excited? I can tell you, it was exciting up here!"

Hi Guys,

When I was training as ATC sooo long ago, a story from Melbourne Flight Service (remember those guys?). They had a U2 spy plane flying around, very high, above top of controlled airspace (so above 45,000). Not sure of exact wording, but something like..

FS: *** report altitude
U2: above FL450
FS: How high above, in case of traffic
U2: If there is any traffic up here, we'll tell YOU about it!

and

FS: *** report position
U2: Over Tasmania
FS: Where abouts over Tasmania
few seconds silence (probably as they look out window and stop laughing)
U2: You name it, we're over it!

And if ya want some more, I keep up a page for Jandakot Tower and have a 'Did ya Hear' section with some good quotes from there. Find it at jandakot.moby58.com/

Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.

BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.

IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.

BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.

IXC India X-ray Charlie request.

BN Go ahead.

IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.

After a minutes pause......

BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.

Another pause

IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.

BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.

Another pause

IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.

This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.

PP

Moby,

The version I recall with said spyplane went along the lines of:

"HB TWR, *** request FL 600"
"A/C requesting FL600, if you can make it, you can have it"
"Roger, ***on descent to FL600".

Dunno the amount of truth in these spyplane stories (and why do they always involve HB?) but they are a good laugh.

CS

CP

The U2 was based at Sale during the early 60s' and doing upper atmospheric air research over Southern Ocean, so their flight route took them over Tassis.

I remember as a kid seeing the contrail from them heading south over Hobart. This at a time when the most sophisticated thing flying here was either a Viscount or an Electra.

Also remember seeing some TV footage (therefore post 1961) of one of them landing at Sale after one of these trips. Fascinated by the thing and especially the outriggers on the wingtips.

Gawd help me I'm getting old. Yes nurse, I'll take the tablets now.:D :D :cool:

PLovett,

Thanks for that tidbit of info - all makes sense now! I was wondering about the strategic importance of having a spyplane patrolling the southern ocean. Mass penguin invasions?

40 years ago....hmmm, no wonder there are so many stories around now!

Cheers CS.

Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.

After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;

Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"

QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"

Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!":D

Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!

Chuck.

Saw the U2 at Avalon airshow in 61?. A very impressive takeoff and climb (presumably fairly lightly loaded with fuel). The landing was carried out in formation with two Falcon utes (the first I saw) and as it slowed down, blokes in the back grabbed the wingtips to keep them off the ground.

U2
 

As an ATC (AirTC) cadet at ESL in the '60's we used to see them all the time and they went up like that when full of gas as well. Relaced later by the RB57F which was like the Canberra with BIG wings.

The U2s used to go north as well and when they reported over Cooktown going Nocom ("Above FL600") you could hear them at MtIsa - it was all 122.1 in those days. They would go someplace then call up over cooktown southbound for ESL some hours later. All OCTA!

The funny (for us) day was when some RAAF type put a slash between the U and the S on the side of the aircraft one day, so it read....U/S AIR FORCE.... One reason why they use "inop"...

Hey Chuck, I didn't know that me mate Slasher used to fly for PX! :D

Wasn't Slasher...it was a certain warbird hero with a very bushy moustache:D

BTW did you resolve that thing you emailed me about?

Chuck.

:cool:
sitting at bay 8 at port moresby being turned around by air nugini
listening on their company
Pilot
'air nugini moresby AN? all I need to dispatch this aircraft is a spanner a rubber glove and a tube of glue '
company
'The engineers will bring it out'


iieeeeeeee

PX Engineering creed;

"The pen is far mightier than the spanner"

Chuck.

U2s regulary operated around FL800 if required by the mission.
Theres a great book called "Skunk Works" by Ben.R Rich, which is the story of Kelly Johnson who created the U2 and the SR71.
Lots of good guts on both types and capabilities.

Not quite on the radio
 

This one from , not quite over the radio, but bloody funny anyway.

Two crew jet flying short multi sector RPT operations with same crew.

Co-pilots first landing of the day in less than favourable conditions, and its a mess with rubber and brakes, thumps it on and comes to a shuddering stop. the Capt looks across at the CP and slowly picks up the cabin mic, " Ladies and Gentelmen, this is your Capt speaking, I would like to blame that absolutely atrocious landing on the CP, but I don't want you to fear about the next landing, as I the Capt will be flying the next leg"

Very pissed off CP.

Next landing, and you gessed it the Capt screws the whole thing, maybe even worse than the CP's earlier effort.

With a grin from ear to ear the CP picks up the cabin mic,
" Ladies and gentelmen your CP speaking, That utterly pathetic attempt at a landing which you had the displeasure to feel and see, was from your Captian. I don't wish for you panic if you are continuing on with us, as I the CP will be flying the next leg and things can only get better"

Well, Capt is realllllllllly pissed, fuming with smoke and all.

He looks across, and down at the CP, and says "What the F#%k do think you just did.

The defiant CP says, well you did it to me after the last landing.

To which the Capt replies, "Yea, but I did'nt depress the transmit button" !!

Heard a funny yesterday

Southern Dash-8 inbound to Mt Hotham

ML CEN: Southern xx wind at YHOT gusting to 66 kts

shortly after...
ML CEN: "Southern xx 2 aircraft have departed and 1 arrived in the past hour with any apparent trouble."

(unknown exasperated voice) "what do you mean without any TROUBLE"

ML CEN: "From where I'm sitting there didn't appear to be any difficulty!"

(unknown again, presume the one just departed, now laughing)

"yeah, that'd be right, come sit where I am..."

I should get out more. Only became aware of the ATC humour thread yesterday. Just added a couple to it then became aware of this thread. Thought I'd do a cut'n'paste since they're all Aussie stories.



1. Twr to Shorts 360 on downwind: You're number three to land, you're following an Islander on three mile final.

SH36: Is that him abeam me now?

TWR: Well, is it an Islander?

SH36: Just looks like an aeroplane to me...

TWR: Well, he's one up on you then........



2. A story from the old Brisbane airport in the early 80's. Aircraft taxying to terminal after landing 04 used to pass quite close to the tower. One old time pilot whose voice we all knew used to flip us the finger as he said gday on his way past (I think it might have actually been two fingers in those days). Of course we all knew the routine and gave a mass showing of fingers thrusting skyward.

It was only later we found that he would have just made a PA announcement... "If those passengers on the left hand side of the aircraft look out the window now, they'll see the friendly boys in the tower hard at work....."




3. A semi-legend (CC) at Coolangatta to B727 filling the window while aircraft on runway stuffs around:

TWR: TBJ you're gonna have to waffle around on final

TBJ: That's unacceptable, tower

TWR: Roger, standby for go round instructions.

TBJ: OK, we'll waffle........



4. And another one etched into the pages of history from when Coolangatta was procedural: No names, no pack drill, but his daughter is an Olympic gold medal swimmer

TWR: (absolutely stuck for a procedural separation standard in a busy sequence): THI, can you imagine a line between Southport and Canungra?

THI: Affirmative, Tower.

TWR: Roger, remain north of that line!

I've read the story about the ground controller in Atlanta who gave a crew a major serve for turning the left instead of right or something and stuffing up her flow. She blasted hell out of em. There was a long silence with no-one wanting to say anything in case they got a serve too. Silence was broken by some guy saying "wasn't I married to you once?"

An oldie but a goodie.

Ref

ATC: "ABC, Say Altitude"
ABC: "Altitude"
ATC: "ABC, Say ALTITUDE!"
ABC: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "ABC, Say Cancelling IFR"
ABC: "ABC Is Level 6000"

WPH

AN Ba-146 on climb out of MKY for BNE:

Ba-146: "Brisbane Centre, Any speed restrictions?"
ATC: "Negative. You can go as slow as you like!" ;)

On approaching a well known reporting point into Jandakot I couldnt help but try to eminate the happy people in the add on tele and reported " ABC- AAAAAAAAaaaaaadveeeeettttuuuure world". a few minutes later, following traffic was instructed to "Follow the happy partinavia joining downwind 24R.

another time I was taxing for the runway when I was told " Keep an eye out for the flock of black cockies on the runway edges". To which I replied "ABC- Wilco.....they are worth a few quid if ya catch em". tower replied with " they are worth even more if you catch em with a prop or intake". :D

Some funny ones I found tonight on Avweb:D

Student pilot to irate instructor: "You're simply impossible to satisfy. I just finished navigating successfully through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back!"

Or:

Pilot: Approach, Cessna 1234, student pilot ... I am at 3500 feet and am otherwise a bit lost.

Approach: We will try to help you. Do you see a city, highway, or water tower nearby?

Pilot: There is a city nearby with a water tower.

Approach: Fly over the water tower and tell us what you see written on it.

[pause]

Pilot: "Class of '98"

Or:

Pilot approaching to land in very bumpy conditions:

TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions.

Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.

Or:

Bonanza pilot in a holding pattern, several aircraft ahead to land:

Pilot: ...your estimate for our clearance for the approach.

Controller: Bonanza 1234, is there a problem?

Pilot: Do the words, "Daddy, I gotta go potty!" mean anything to you?

Controller: Bonanza 1234, cleared for the approach.

Loved the first one...made me laugh...a lot:D

Chuckles.

Air Rage in full form.

A certain Canadian in a C210 (pilot name CTD to those who remeber), I was in a B58 we both departed 11 for BTI and he departed first. Well as you would expect I was gaining on him fast, so let tower know that I would overtake him on his right.

Then:-

C210 :- TWR that Barons too close, request left turn...
TWR :- C210 turn left 10 deg's
C210 :- TWR I need more the Barons looks like its coming too fast
B58 :- C210 what r u on about?
C210 :- Your to close
TWR :- Something along the lines of, bit of personal animosity between you guys eh ???
B58 :- Passed the whinging Canadian
TWR :- C210 the Baron is now 2 miles in front and increasing
B58 :- I'll give you air rage...

At BTI, twas a few choice words spoken...



ANOTHER day when the met beauru got it terribly wrong in Darwin.

There were aircraft holding as weather was dismal, one plane got in in the hour. After getting a clearance and cleared to join the 11 LOC at 6000 number 4 to land and hearing every aircraft on the missed approach,

TWR, OKI think i've changed my mind about the approach BTI is clear and blue request track direct BTI.

Sounds like a good idea.

Well I snuck of to BTI to wait for the wx to clear.

I can only imagine what was going on on tower but alas 10 mins later, 2 Super Pumas, 1 metro, 1 Kingair, 2 Chieftains, C210, Baron and a Bonanza all arrived at BTI...

Those U2 missions out of Laverton in Victoria referred to in these posts were high altitude sampling missions. They were sampling for radioactive cloud from Soviet and Chinese nuclear tests. They were conducted in both Hemispheres at high altitude. They could tell by spectroscope analysis whose it was and trigger material used and a lot of other things.

US pilot Buddy Brown says the most pucker factor was from the thought of having to bail out over Antartica if the engine failed. He reckoned they'd last 5 minutes at those temps.

The highest bailout from a U2 was 55000ft. The guy was badly hurt.

Interesting one from where I flew in Africa. The controller was a little inexperienced at a training airfield with 6 aircraft in the circuit he was beginning to get a little flustered.

At one point he had all 3 aircraft on final, one downwind and one landing. The landing aircraft, a piper cub also with a student in it, had the unfortunate even of ground looping...to which the controller transmitted......wait for it.........

"All Aircraft on final SCATTER!!!!"

Most pilots were in tears with laughter....

The scene was a country tower and numerous aircraft in the zone. Female ATC doing her usual top job until one aircraft overtransmitted by another.

ATC: Two in together!

loooooong pause

Unidentified aircraft: I've been dreaming of that!

Even loooooooooonger pause before male voice continues controlling without laughing too much!


Disco Stu

Heres one from over the pond.....

Please ignore polically incorect content......it was in fact heard first hand.

UAxxx (female voice) Denver app, any chance of a shortcut this morning?

Unidentified voice (male) Lady, your whole career has been a short cut!

:eek:

Heard tonight while traversing The Top End .....

BN Centre (as best I can remember): Coastwatch xxx, from AusSar, the rescue vesel will be there in an hour. Do you have a megaphone or something that you can let the survivors know that there will be help in an hour?

Coastwatch xxx (seemed to be controlling much mirth): Yes we do, but I don't think it'll work!


I suspect Coastwatch xxx was one of them Islander thingies, what fly by virtue of harmonics! :}

Heard whilst IFR out near Cowra.. ML CTR controller had been away for a few weeks since the introduction of JQs A320s.

ML CTR: Jetstar XX cleared FL120 when ready

JQ XX : Cleared FL120

ML CTR : JQ XX Ive been off and havent seen a A320 for a few years what speed can you do on descent?

JQ XX : Ah it changes what would you like? we can do 300.

ML CTR : rgr JQ XX maintain 300 , how did you get that speed?

JQ XX ( in a very typical captains voice ) well I just push a few buttons here and it tells me what to do ... and today it says 300.

ML CTR : (laughs) rgr JQ XX contact XXX "

Jo'burg Tower
 

Some years ago, I was visiting Jo'burg tower in South Africa on a work assignment.

The aerodrome controller (ADC) was a male with a very high pitched, squeaky voice. This guy accepts and clears a domestic Springbok B737 to land. After landing, the B737 clears the runway, changes frequency to the ground movement controller and subsequently asks the GMC:

"Jo'burg Ground, can you tell us whether the controller on ??? (the ADC frequency) is a child-bearing or a ball-bearing controller?"

Funniest thing I've ever heard.

At Darwin a few years back...

A very busy mid-afternoon on DN APP, a new controller, lots of piston inbounds from everywhere plus a mix of RPT's, and the approach controller was approaching his limits and making a few bad calls until...

ATC (in frustration mode): "Will everyone just BE QUIET for a minute!!!"

The airborne fraternity shut up and waited!

After about 30 seconds..

ATC: "Ok, thanks... Alpha November Whiskey, track direct present position to Howards Springs, best speed.................." and he was okay from there!

On a prooving flight into Canberra in a 146, with the CASA FOI in the jump-seat, the F/O crunched it into the tarmac for an absolute shocker. The Captain turned and said:

"Now get onto the PA and apologise for that last landing!"

The F/O dutifully replied.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has asked me to apologise for that last landing. Thank-you."


DOH!

One I found very funny at the time, maybe you won't.

We were being made to hold approaching Sydney, in a Compass A300, being vectored out to sea.

Eventually Captain RH could take no more, he called Sydney and asked for the Auckland approach frequency. ;)

The controller was very polite, he gave it to us. :uhoh:

And clearance to aim back towards Australia.

ATC: "Flight X, turn right heading 345 degrees at FL350 for noise abatement"

Pilot: "Tower, we're at FL350. How much noise can we make up here?"

ATC: "Flight X, have you ever heard of the noise made by a 747 when it hits a 757?"

Another one I found very funny at the time, was near the end of a very long 12-13 hour flight back from Moscow direct to Hanoi in a 767.

As we approached Hanoi in overcast conditions, most of the local Tupolevs etc were holding, and the Hanoi tower called us to see if we were going to join the holding pattern or what.

He asked us to report "field in sight".

After looking out and seeing many fields okay, Captain BR confirmed "field in sight". ;)

We thought no more of it, and did a normal let down and landing.

However after landing, this same Vietnamese Controller called us and said "follow the follow me car to the terminal."

Then "confirm you have the follow me car in sight" :uhoh:

It was his way of letting us know that he KNEW what happened. :p