Top 10 lies in ATC
 

With tongue firmly in cheek here are the top 10 lies told in Australian ATC (with their actual meanings in brackets). Some are to pilots, some are to other ATCs.

"Call you back"
("I didn't see who that was calling and I don't care")

"In with a ground station, say again?"
("I was talking to Simo about Saturday night")

"....just beat me to it"
("I didn't even see it")

"Will advise if direct tracking becomes available"
("I'm not even going to check, it's too much work")

"Yeah, I've seen those two, thanks"
("Sh!t!")

"Yeah, I already told him to call"
("Who?")

"Do you want me to put speeds on those two?"
("I just noticed the 120kts closing")

"The Flow has changed the sequence again"
("I forgot to do any sequencing at all")

"Take your time coming back from your break"
("You'd better bloody be back on time 'coz I want to get out")

"Not sure what happened there, but I'm reading you 5"
("I was plugged in to 'Monitor'")

And my own personal favourite, since returning to Australia to fly.......

At 6000' on a downwind for 34R, abeam the runway.

SYD ATC: "You have 22 track miles to run. descend 4000."

(Get ready lads, I'm going to turn you in for a 5 mile final and take bets on whether you can do it)

What about

"Will advise if higher becomes available..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

and my personal favourite straight after a request for higher

"Contact centre on XXX.X with that request..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

Gold Kenny!

...Reduce to min speed...

(cause I'm hung over and things are happening too quickly)

Or when requesting clearance on delivery

"Standby"

(The jug is boiling)

"expect delay of 15 minutes due traffic"

i just sat down with my coffee and doughnuts.

As the aircraft approaches the holding point with no aircraft within 50nm.

Pilot "Ready for immediate departure"

Tower (watching through binoculars til he sees nose oleo compress,then extend & aircraft is fully stopped)

"clear for take off"

hahaha I'm going to be be really pissed if the mods move this to Jet Blast. nothing like the Friday night funnies

I love it when you hear a student on the ground in class c for the first time. They struggle and grapple with some long pauses and background coaching from the instructor for thier airways clearence finally getting it spat out in a half correct format followed by ground saying "xxx contact clearance delivery for airways clearance".

You can just imagine the students heart sink when he/she hears thier up for all that again with ACD!

ABC - 'XX Centre, ABC ready for descent whoop whoop, req tfc.'

ATC - 'ABC, are you in IMC?'

ABC - 'Affirm'.

ATC - 'ABC - No Traffic.'

Cheers:ok::ok:

Oh and you guys think this lying thing is one way ?:O.

* I'll recycle my transponder and see if that helps,
* "Yes, we're maintaining FL340" as they bust through 345,
* Nothing heard on 121.5, and,
* Two in together (after missing three or four call, due to talking about something that would get me banned on pprune).


Absolutley certain there are more......

ATC "Confirm you are tracking direct? You appear to be 10miles left of track & diverging"

Pilot "Ah,you are breaking up.....stand by" (massive course correction to the right) "Say again"

Excuses
 

Best pilot excuse ".... due weather", applies to anything including off track or blasting through altitude.

A honest ATC moment a couple years ago:
ATC: Standby
12 minutes later
ABC: Darwin Approach XXX?
ATC Whoops, sorry forgot you were there.

Lost

Half of my lies are caused by Maestro :E

(FPOFS) effing peice of french sh!t :ugh:

I wouldn't want ATC's job for all the tea in China. Fancy having to put up with us lot of princesses!:E
I say harden the truck up you lot:E

Med 1 to destination..............change of Freq. Vh-xxx turn left hdg xxx (about 30 deg's off trk) Sorry Mr ATC-er we are Med 1 require tracking direct to XX..............long pause by ATC as he goes to slap previous controller across face for not telling him we where Med 1............xxx continue tracking direct xxx.....love it:ok:
The guys do a great job in the face of some dumb rules!


Wmk2

Friend of mine on approach in C310.

ATC: Can you reduce by 30Kts, you're catching the B717 in front,Friend: It is when I'm flying it!

The Guru, I had that many times as well. In fact they have then added later on,
Reduce to min speed for sequencing and then cancel sid track direct to 5 mile final. Many times in looks as though the left hand doen't know what the right is doing. :eek:

ATC to VFR a/c "Confirm you can continue visual & what is the base & weather conditions"

VFR pilot "Affirm can continue visual. Base appears 1000' with many lower patches & deteriorating behind me"

(this is code for other VFR drivers as "I'm still airborne in ground effect, have salt spray on the windscreen & seaweed in the undercarriage"

I've used a similar one before.

ATC: XXX, you've just been through the Kilmore gap, what was the weather like there?

Pilot: Yeah I think it closed in behind me, I wouldn't recommend anyone trying.

(Code for: Cloud was 200ft, I was skud-running all the way)

Kinda sounds like:

"How's the weather?"
"5k and 500ft"

Experienced that a few times :E

ATC "Your destination now has 60 mins holding required,advise endurance"
Aeroplane "Amended endurance,now 240mins"
ATC "Where did you get the extra fuel?"
Aeroplane "same place you got the weather"

Had to do a few ILS into Melbourne many years ago, the weather was pretty low. Got the Sewer Pipe onto the ground each time and when asked what the cloud base was, all I could say was, "fluctuating around a minima."

ATC'er must have had something good on the TV to watch this night, back of clock as usual we got from 80nm out cleared to descend 2000, not below DME steps once established on the T-Vasis cleared visual approach, cleared to land, no requirements on ground, taxi to the bay have a good night.

Nig

Flying DHC4 Caribou "WMBT XX maintain best speed to the field" :ok:

(I stuffed the sequence and this is a last ditch effort to fix it)

and

"Mel CNT xxxx maintaining FL240"

(I'm maintaing FL240)

"xxx ML CNT G'day)

(I don't care, the guy on the previous sector couldn't be stuffed dealing with you)

On the airways
 

Some goodies there.

What ever happened to the back page "on the airways" of the Australian Aviation mag?

Canned it because apparently CASA started to chase people after stories were published !

Darwin Delay
 

Lostwingnut

Sorry mate, sounds like something I would have done in Darwin.

opps!

One of my favourites:

12 aircraft approaching perth from different radials with the same ETA.

After some thinking time, CENT declares, "all aircraft reduce by 30kts"....

ABC are you TCAS equipped?
ABC negative
Disregard then....:ok:

"With your concurrence ABC is direct to..."
("I've already given direct, you have to say yes.")

"Are you happy with the distance between these two?"
("I'm not happy with the distance between these two and I want them off my freq")

"Are you happy with the distance between those two?"
("I'm not accepting that, don't even try to hand them off.")

"FNP due slower preceding traffic..."
"(Oh bugger, FNP isn't an F100 is it.)

"Approach will advise on first contact if speed restrictions can be cancelled."
"(Number one in the sequence has max speed, but its a heavy airbus and we are not hopeful.)

"Change of sequence, cancel fix time, increase to max speed, track direct to a 5 mile final."
("We were correct not to be hopeful.")

"Standby"

I am not actually endorsed to control aircraft on this sector but as we only have one controller available today, for a period of 5 hours, he`s had to take a "short break". Don`t worry though, he has left me specific instructions as to what i can do ( basically nothing other than cross my fingers and hope he returns soon!):ok:


"The Flow has moved you up in the sequence"

Maestro has amended the order again without me noticing.

"Due congestion in the Terminal Area"

I didn`t notice you were that quick and you are now 3 minutes early for approach.

"Request a spot wind and ride report"

I`m not sure if you called and i forgot to tick the appropriate box.

Roger Sir,

Did someone say "Libya"?

Maybe you have to be at 200' to fully appreciate the Kilmore Gap. We flew through there last Saturday - looked like the Kilmore Basin to me! :E

Dr :8

Nice one 2 dogs, B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho ;)

Not quite a lie, but asking a question that you don't really need the answer too.... One I've used in the past....

"ABC, report your shoe size"

Just wanted the pilot to say something so I could get a reading on the VDF (VHF Direction Finder) so that I could get him in sight.

"Report your birthdate", "...mother's maiden name", "...uncle's address", "...bra size" all work well too.

Usually followed by a "Errrr, say again tower?" and that works just great!!!

Kilmore
 

If you're not navigating by reference to the headlights of the cars on the freeway then you're too high.....

Heard the following by Brisy Tower the other night when one of the Flying Doc B200's had just gotten airborne off 01 with a jet lined up and ready behind them.

"XXX we're looking for speed tonight, not altitude"
Hurry up and get out of the way!

morno

I am surprised that nobody has posted this....

Greg Russell:
You are all getting a 15% pay rise, and we have 200 new controllers to plug the gaps so you guys can have a proper roster and some holidays!

J:E

Don't know what 310 you were flying hongkongfooey, but most of the ones i know of are just a tad faster in the cruise.

Great thread guys here guys. I love it.