Passenger questions and unfunny sayings.

[QNIM]

My favorite question is, is it too windy to fly? My answer is if the wind doesn't blow over the wings we are going to go through fence at the end of the runway.

[swh]

On finals to a runway with PAPI and you hear one the pax say to another, "see those lights next to the runway, they need to be either all white or all red"

[early2]

most annoying question

The most often heard annoying rehtorical question on mine crew change flights for a while was
" where's the Black Box?, I wanna sit with it/on it/in it ect."

The best reply came one evening from another miner "in the river mate, .........where you left her"

[pinni]

Pax on charter flight "I dont want a hot meal, just get the chef to make me a sandwich"

Pax "Is that a football stadium down there"
Me"No thats just the nuts on the wing sir"



Things I hate:

"Fill it to the top(coffee) I have mine black"

pax"can you tell me where we are flying over right now"
me "no but I will find out for you"
pax "well you should know its your job!!!"

pax"do you have nappies?, milk for the baby?, etc"
Bring yer own!!
Just yesterday a lovely old lady had taken her false teeth out, wiped them with her hot towel, the proceeded to hand the towel to me Apart from that I love my job!!!

[ccy sam]

Outraged female passenger complaining to the ground personal after a flight on a Jetstream, the F/O was a female. "I'm going to put in complaint, the hostess just sat up the front talking to the pilot the whole time".

[ITCZ]

Dumbest question heard from a pax......

"Is this really Cairns?"

We used to transfer Timor Sea rig pigs from Darwin to Truscott WA (population one chef, one kitchenhand/cleaner, three Puma pilots) where they transferred to Timor Sea rigs by chopper.

Our departure time at 0630 had the rig pigs in at the same time as several QF flights in 737 and 146.

Pax used to board via a scummy ground level gate, walk 500m past all the jets on aerobridges to our Metro on bay 9, walk up the steps, bump their heads walking to their seats, listen to a brief announcing the flight time to TRUSCOTT (!!), fly west for 1.5 hrs and then hop out at a dusty ex WW2 strip with one hangar and five demountables.

Seems as though this guy just followed the pack through the gate and into the Metro.

Next question was "Well, where is my surfboard?" On the JET, you d!ck!!!

Result - fellow in question had an interesting day watching porn and eating several fully cooked meals in the base canteen, had a look at the Liberator wreck, and almost bumping a troppo rig pig from his connection back to Darwin.

[the wizard of auz]

I hate the question that I always get when boarding............."your not going to(crash) kill me are you?". Answer nowadays, No lady, in order to do that, I will have to scratch the paint, and that really pisses the boss off.
Also love the "are you going to get a commercial license one day?"

[chief wiggum]

Pretty well sums i up so far I think...except for :

I had an american couple on a mail run a few years ago, so I gave them my WAC chart to look at.. over lunch She said to me : this map is fantactic.... it actually portrays the ground over which we travel. You can almost tell where we are just by looking at it!"

My response " well, that really is the purpose of a map, don't you think?"

ALWAYS get " Do you hope to fly commercially one day ?"

Occasionally get " so is this aircraft safe?"... usual response is " I guess we'll find out... but I bet you are taking a bigger gamble than I am!"

or:

" what is the inflight movie ?".. response " Today we are screening 'Gone with the wind', it will be in every window!"

AND, my personal favourite..... " How do you know where you arte going at night ? I mean, you can't see anything!"... "it's OK...it's the same as flying with your eyes shut"

Jeesus I hate pax!!!!!!

at least freigh doesn't talk back... and is hardly never late.

[Tinstaafl]

I hate that 'When are you going to get a commercial licence?' question too. I usually reply never, I don't want to downgrade.

The cabin service question from burly blokes I respond with "Not unless you remembered to shave your legs this morning" or "You shave your legs, I'll supply the skirt". Sometimes I'll mention 'No cabin service' today because I forgot to shave my legs.

To "Is it safe?" I reply "Have you noticed I'm going to be flying in it too?"

[Counter-rotation]

Most Annoying

Had a really annoying one just the other day. Last scenic of about nine for the day, with a whole load of old ducks - the manifest would give you some idea of what to expect:
1) Norma
2) Beryl
3) Gladis
etc....

The a/c has intercom for giving the spiel during the flight, but I turn it of when making radio calls, as it squeals badly if left on. So time for the final radio call of the day, and I hit the intercom to off. In less than a millisecond, the dear old thing sitting beside me is hitting me on the knee, and gesturing wildly at her headset, and shaking her head so hard it's about to fall off. She must have seen my lips moving!!!

[Col. Walter E. Kurtz]

When flying a Chieftain, draining outta the auxilliaries, still an hour away from anywhere, when you get a tap on the shoulder and you turn to see a very pale faced person pointing to the fuel gauges and saying 'Do you realise we are about to run out of fuel??" It's not annoying, and they'd be doing me a favour if it was true, but that gets them every time!!

Forget about pax - what about friends and realtives: Aren't you scared? Isn't it dangerous? Do you carry a parachute? ad infinitum.

Also, greeting the pax with coke bottle glasses on can be pretty amusing too.

[Cap10 Caveman]

I once had a pax in the right hand seat who thought they needed to use the PTT switch to talk to me, quite amusing for ATC. Ever since I've briefed all other pax about it.

Had some people think the engine was going to stop after setting cruise power, a few finger nail indents in my leg!!

[Northern Chique]

One early morning bungles flight, three of the lads went out and about the various caravan parks and hotels as happen nearly every morning during the tourist season, and picked up the punters... as it turns out quite a number of them. I did check in and processed a few credit cards, and did the flight brief. It was my turn to lock up the office and as result was one of the last pilots out of the foyer area with the pax.

I duely called my 6 passengers names and walked out to the aircraft, gave the relevant safety brief and helped them to their seats, followed by me getting in the front seat. I had sat a fairly hefty 50's plus aussie male in the copilots seat.

The questions from this crew as usual were pretty much the run of the mill questions.... "wheres the parachutes?" didnt pack em today, I thought Id fly in the plane, its warmer.. or the parachute tour option is $180 extra plus airfares.

Catering... I thought you guys were bringing the coffee, or we couldnt find any 2 foot service personel...

"Whats the in flight movie"... Oh sorry folks, I didnt put the video in today... I thought you came to see the scenery, but Im sure the videos you take will be sufficient entertainment later.

So Q & A session finished I climbed into the pilots seat.

My "copilot" looked on in absolute horror...

"Is there a problem sir"

"are you flying us?"

"Yes sir", I brightly replied, thinking he had a seat change or was concerned about something. "Is there a problem?" I asked again...

"but youre a girl!!!"

mmmm ..... I looked down at my shirt front, looked straight back at him, and replied.... "yes, I was when I was in the shower this morning, and I dont believe the situation has changed."

(the pax in the back were spluttering trying not to laugh)

By this time, his wife seated behind him was going various shades of livid... finally lost her composure completely and trounced him with her bag, quite firmly over the back of his head.

"Let the the poor girl get on with her job!" snaps she.

A spluttery objection followed.... "But I thought you were the secretary!" still looking at me rubbing his head....

I never heard another word out of him... Just for the book I did get a thankyou card a few weeks later from the couple saying they really did have a great time.

mmmm obviously multiskilling isnt a well embraced concept in the minds of some.

many a pilot has heard "why are we going backwards" as a faster plane passes them...

[FLICKER]

Northern Chique - beat me to it but I'll use it anyway

I called a brand new flight nurse up to the front and asked her if she had ever seen an aircraft fly backwards (as we were overtaking a C210) she was totaly amazed. I never filled her in.... but next time we flew together she wacked me on the head!!!!

[Knackers]

I was sitting on a radar sector once when one of the controllers brought some medico's around doing their DAME training. So I proceeded to give my routine talk on how ATC worked. One of the doctors had flown in from Perth and had been invited up to the cockpit by the crew.

Suddenly the Captain had turned to the FO and said, "I think Control are going to turn us!".

Sure enough, 30 seconds later, the aircraft turned onto a new heading without any apparent pilot input.

"Now,", said the DAME, "how do you do that?"!!

[ache]

After startup I couldn't get the B737-200 cabin to start pressurising by moving the Flt/Gnd switch to Flt.

The captain sent me back, where I found the starboard overwing emergency exit window lying on the lap of a blue-rinse lady, who was waving excitedly to her family in the terminal building.
She explained that she had opened the window so that they could see her more easily!

[Mr. Hat]

Ache please tell me you are joking ..........!

[puff]

He is from NZ!! Shuvva me Tumburs it's a bit chully with the wunda opun.

[ache]

Mr Hat

It really happened - I was flying for South African Airways at the time.

Some years later, after I had got my command on the 737, we were delayed at the same airport when there was a problem with the loadsheet - we had to pick up blood from the local bloodbank and fly it down to Cape Town, but the guy in the office did not know how to code it.

When the loadsheet arrived, he had solved the problem rather neatly - by entering "Freight:---Human Paint".

[farrenfour]

Myself and my wife were holidaying in Ireland and as you do , grabbed a Ryan-Dare flight to Kerry, on return from our sojourn with my parents got into an ex-Lufthanza 73 200 series, so the deal is sit where you want (they really don't make an effort at ticketing).

After much seat grabbing ( you know the kind, the fat bloke weighing 300 lbs always grabs the overwing exits ? ) We're all ready to go, except 2 pax are missing ??

The entire terminal building (FYI) is two rooms, basicaly a bar and a check-in/out area.

The hostess cries at the top of her voice, excuse me we appear to have two people missing.................

silence for a second........

then about 20-30 people shout from the back.....TRY THE BAR!!!

5 mins later , the hostess returns with the two chaps from the bar.

I suggest further training...........

It's always fun, its always interesting and its always terrifying.