Top 10 lies in ATC

[Here to Help]

With tongue firmly in cheek here are the top 10 lies told in Australian ATC (with their actual meanings in brackets). Some are to pilots, some are to other ATCs.

"Call you back"
("I didn't see who that was calling and I don't care")

"In with a ground station, say again?"
("I was talking to Simo about Saturday night")

"....just beat me to it"
("I didn't even see it")

"Will advise if direct tracking becomes available"
("I'm not even going to check, it's too much work")

"Yeah, I've seen those two, thanks"
("Sh!t!")

"Yeah, I already told him to call"
("Who?")

"Do you want me to put speeds on those two?"
("I just noticed the 120kts closing")

"The Flow has changed the sequence again"
("I forgot to do any sequencing at all")

"Take your time coming back from your break"
("You'd better bloody be back on time 'coz I want to get out")

"Not sure what happened there, but I'm reading you 5"
("I was plugged in to 'Monitor'")

[Kenny]

And my own personal favourite, since returning to Australia to fly.......

At 6000' on a downwind for 34R, abeam the runway.

SYD ATC: "You have 22 track miles to run. descend 4000."

(Get ready lads, I'm going to turn you in for a 5 mile final and take bets on whether you can do it)

[waren9]

What about

"Will advise if higher becomes available..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

and my personal favourite straight after a request for higher

"Contact centre on XXX.X with that request..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

[Stiff Under Carriage]

Gold Kenny!

...Reduce to min speed...

(cause I'm hung over and things are happening too quickly)

[tea & bikkies]

Or when requesting clearance on delivery

"Standby"

(The jug is boiling)

[Ultralights]

"expect delay of 15 minutes due traffic"

i just sat down with my coffee and doughnuts.

[Aye Ess]

As the aircraft approaches the holding point with no aircraft within 50nm.

Pilot "Ready for immediate departure"

Tower (watching through binoculars til he sees nose oleo compress,then extend & aircraft is fully stopped)

"clear for take off"

[The Guru]

"Holding is required. Expect holding at BULGA, reach Flight Level 220 by BULGA, reduce to minimum speed."
(I'm going to screw this FMS programming as soon as they want descent)

followed closely by

"Cancel the hold, max speed to the field, cancel speed restrictions above and below 10000"
(I really need some entertainment as we approach peak hour, and this is going to be fun to watch)

[beat ups are fun]

hahaha I'm going to be be really pissed if the mods move this to Jet Blast. nothing like the Friday night funnies

[rocket66]

I love it when you hear a student on the ground in class c for the first time. They struggle and grapple with some long pauses and background coaching from the instructor for thier airways clearence finally getting it spat out in a half correct format followed by ground saying "xxx contact clearance delivery for airways clearance".

You can just imagine the students heart sink when he/she hears thier up for all that again with ACD!

[Ex FSO GRIFFO]

ABC - 'XX Centre, ABC ready for descent whoop whoop, req tfc.'

ATC - 'ABC, are you in IMC?'

ABC - 'Affirm'.

ATC - 'ABC - No Traffic.'

Cheers

[Josh Cox]

Oh and you guys think this lying thing is one way ?.

* I'll recycle my transponder and see if that helps,
* "Yes, we're maintaining FL340" as they bust through 345,
* Nothing heard on 121.5, and,
* Two in together (after missing three or four call, due to talking about something that would get me banned on pprune).


Absolutley certain there are more......

[Aye Ess]

ATC "Confirm you are tracking direct? You appear to be 10miles left of track & diverging"

Pilot "Ah,you are breaking up.....stand by" (massive course correction to the right) "Say again"

[lostwingnut]

Excuses

Best pilot excuse ".... due weather", applies to anything including off track or blasting through altitude.

A honest ATC moment a couple years ago:
ATC: Standby
12 minutes later
ABC: Darwin Approach XXX?
ATC Whoops, sorry forgot you were there.

Lost

[Jack Ranga]

Half of my lies are caused by Maestro

(FPOFS) effing peice of french sh!t

[Wally Mk2]

I wouldn't want ATC's job for all the tea in China. Fancy having to put up with us lot of princesses!
I say harden the truck up you lot

Med 1 to destination..............change of Freq. Vh-xxx turn left hdg xxx (about 30 deg's off trk) Sorry Mr ATC-er we are Med 1 require tracking direct to XX..............long pause by ATC as he goes to slap previous controller across face for not telling him we where Med 1............xxx continue tracking direct xxx.....love it
The guys do a great job in the face of some dumb rules!


Wmk2

[Two_dogs]

Friend of mine on approach in C310.

ATC: Can you reduce by 30Kts, you're catching the B717 in front,

is that the normal approach speed for that aircraft type?

Friend: It is when I'm flying it!

[farrari]

The Guru, I had that many times as well. In fact they have then added later on,
Reduce to min speed for sequencing and then cancel sid track direct to 5 mile final. Many times in looks as though the left hand doen't know what the right is doing.

[Aye Ess]

ATC to VFR a/c "Confirm you can continue visual & what is the base & weather conditions"

VFR pilot "Affirm can continue visual. Base appears 1000' with many lower patches & deteriorating behind me"

(this is code for other VFR drivers as "I'm still airborne in ground effect, have salt spray on the windscreen & seaweed in the undercarriage"

[VH-XXX]

I've used a similar one before.

ATC: XXX, you've just been through the Kilmore gap, what was the weather like there?

Pilot: Yeah I think it closed in behind me, I wouldn't recommend anyone trying.

(Code for: Cloud was 200ft, I was skud-running all the way)