Oh poo....
 

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Sense of humour apparently falls flat at BZN...

There is the story of a Shackleton flight engineer who carried out his early morning ablutions on the aircraft Elsan only to discover that he had in fact evacuated his bowels into the sleeve of his emersion suit and not into the bowl. He said that he discovered the error when he pulled the sleeve back on and out it came like a brown length of toothpaste.

One of my Crewman Leader's on SH, Chris Fynes RIP, went off to do what bears do in the woods.
All went well until he pulled the top of his flying suit up............
........and ended up with something very nasty between his shoulder blades!

lsh
:E

A/F Chief at Brize LSS, end of shift washes his hands, plunges them into the tin of swarfega and pulls out a....... you guessed it.

I was there later when Chris recounted that story. Hilarious!

RIP Chris, a great crewman leader and friend, sadly missed.

Been there, done that, got the (funky) T shirt.

Roadside download, survival training (Moortrek back then)...when we used to do that **** (no pun intended :)) in our flying gear.

It was the last night of four during the biggest UK heat wave of last century, so I doubt the whiff for my rellow student survivors was a whole lot worse that it would have already been.

I wish there was a "like" button for posts here, Shy and lsh - Chris, a moustachio'd individual (who became known for screen-time during the First Gulf Unpleasantness) and I used to make up an all-Fg-Off crew around the usual SH haunts. Chris was the complete gent; last saw him when he brought the CRM roadshow to Laarparts, where he dealt very diplomatically with the twunt of a Stn Cdr who didn't seem to see why Light-Dove-Love-Jets needed these skills.

I was at Aldergrove in the 80’s and in the JOC on a night shift. The urge came and I had to pooh. Bodily function complete and twisting and wiping my rear end, I got a stabbing pain in my back, I naturally quickly put my hand on my back; alas it was full of soiled paper. I had a brown splat on my back and the smell.........:hmm:.

I wish I hadn't read some of these posts.In fact,all of them.

Ahhh. The VC10 incident and the frozen bog valve that was gently defrosted by a Palouse air start trolley resulting in the partial contents being ejected across several rows of seating in the aft cabin...

T&B

I think you may mean Jon, as regards GW1 etc.

Yes, Chris did deliver CRM training, grounded following medical problems from a Chinook accident years before.

I worked for them both and much enjoyed it. They sounded identical.
However, one was a Flt Lt I knew well, the other was a Wg Cdr who I did not.
Especially after a beer, I tended to press transmit before thinking, I had to be careful!

lsh
:E

Hmm... I'm not sure I want to know more... but could that perhaps be a story for my website NutLoose?

Please accept my apologies. My post #7 should have read "...at one time, 3 of us: a moustachio'd individual (who became known for screen-time during the First Gulf Unpleasantness), Chris and I used to make up an all-Fg-Off crew around the usual SH haunts." Sorry for the ambiguity :(

We had a guy in our Ellesmere Port location who would leave a steamer in the coffee cup of any individual who offended him. He was never caught and was universally known as “The Phantom”.

In less-PC days, we had a Phantom Splatterer on the base at Pearce, the only way he could make a mess like that would be to have his anus halfway up his back, so we were on the lookout for The Thalidomide Kid.

Last century when a certain navy had a proper aircraft carrier a member of the crew of a multi engine prop asw aircraft had to do doodoos during a six hour mission.
Using his inflight lunchbox he jettisoned the contents overboard.
Upon recovery the Aircraft Engineering Officer bounces up to ascertain the aircraft serviceability.
​​​Running his finger across a "stain" "What's this ****" he questioned.
"Yes Sir that's what it is" came the aircraft captain's reply.
E86

Using an ice pick and hammer to smash the 'blue' ice, splatters flying everywhere....

As a young LAC I was shown how to empty the toilets by an experienced Cpl, always check the gate valve handle is up, always check was his wise words! Any way he was showing me one more time before I was allowed to try for myself. Except he forgot the gate valve check.... Cap removed, the effluent shot out, bouncing off of his chest, he bent forward and the remaining contents then bounced off his back, I was so glad I was observing from the ground. Much laughter from the other lineys

Lets just say it was a welcome to the VC-10 I never forgot, and definitely a 'I learned about aircraft servicing from that' moment

Yes it was known for some people to crack the valve open then shut it again awaiting the unsuspecting rigger.. :)

As far as I remember the blue Ice was what happened with the palouste, they couldn't shift it after many attempts to unblock it, then someone had the idea of melting it with a really low setting on the palouse and gently blowing warm air at it, the seat was jammed down with a lump of timber and operations commenced, shortly after a loud bang was heard as the wood departed and the contents back flushed itself over several rows of seats and trim, even after the carpets, seats and trim was replaced it still stank of poo and sat on the apron for days with the doors open and frequent aerosol deoderant spray visits.

Poo Husbandry
 

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people seem to find themselves caught short at inopportune moments.

That one person should need to make use of an aircraft toilet for a number two should be considered an emergency.

The fact that enough people have needed it that the tanks were full just shows how many people aren’t able to ‘go before they leave the house’!

I can literally count on one hand the number of times I have needed to use a toilet for a number two, other than the one in my accomodation, in the whole of my post infant life.

Am I the weird one?

BV

I guess it depends on your routine. If you work normal days you can plan your ablutions such that you go before leaving the house & you’ll be back home before the next event is likely to occur.


If your work pattern doesn’t fit such a regular structure, with very early reports with long days (16 hours CDT) then it’s much harder to be ‘regular’.

I only ever resorted to using the Elsan in the C130k once, in the direst of emergencies, because I would far rather hold it in & wait for a proper porcelain experience. Similarly the slightly less offensive toilet on the J received minimal use. On the A400 having the luxury of a proper toilet with a locking door meant that I could be relaxed about needing an in-flight dump.

It doesn’t explain why some retard would crap on the toilet floor which was the point of the first post on this thread.

yes Bob, you’re the weird one. Like ‘**** break’ in American Pie.

No, Just constipated.. :E

Huey
 

That has been said before!

I’d go one further though. I only like to settle once I know I can have a shower afterwards to ensure cleanliness.

Precious? Me?!

BV

Bob, that is standard procedure living in Indonesia:}

I get highly amused when people are shown on tv fighting in supermarkets over bog rolls in western countries after a new covid related lockdown is announced. My Indonesian friends are gobsmacked:)

Smearing the stuff off with paper seems a very odd way of doing the job. All those trees:{

I always like to use that nice brush most people leave by the side of the loo.....always seems to get the stubborn bits off! :E

I recall being on nights in Air Support Command Ops and receiving this signal.....OPS FLUSH ELSAN U/S

A couple of stories from our ALM training.

At ToC, ALM goes from flight deck into Herc cargo bay, carries out checks and sets up toilet (hinges down, by ramp).
The sole pax was a WRAF, sat on the flight deck bunk.
She needed a wee and was given directions.
After a time, ALM got concerned and found her trying to use the "letter box" style of urinal at front of cabin (for use by kitted paras)!

One ALM forgot that he had not rigged the fold-down toilet by the ramp, a fold-down cantilever.
On reaching the back of the (freight only) cabin, he sighted the pax who was in need.
They had gamely climbed up and, gripping firmly the structure either side, were doing their bit half-way up the cabin side!

lsh
:E

It's not just airplanes either....
 

Apologies for thread drift. I just thought you might like to know that aviation isn't the only business with poo problems.

When in paid employment I worked for a company that had several platforms in the North Sea, pumping gas ashore. On the older platforms waste disposal was somewhat basic.
On one in particular it amounted to a pipe from the toilet pan into the sea. To avoid upsetting the supply ship crews, the pipe extended under the platform and into the sea. As you may know, the tide causes sea level to rise and fall. The flush arrangement was pretty basic, with just a flapper valve under the pan, which allowed the water and debris to drop into the sea. Now you know why I don't eat crabs.

Picture the scene when a colleague uses the facility at high tide. Having fulfilled his needs, he presses the flush. At this point the air in the pipe, having been pressurised by the rising tide vents to atmosphere, thus he got his own back. Not a pretty sight.....

No more precious than me! Here’s what you need pictured below. A marvelous device that keeps you, emm, always clean. Had a niece staying with us for a while, and she exclaimed one day “Uncle T you’ve changed my life” When she got her own accommodation, the bidet seat was one of her first home improvements. Some even come with a remote control - presumably for the gadget addicted.


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But if he gets one of those we won’t be able to call him Bunged up Bob

I always wondered that had the Allies invaded Normandy on Jun 4th rather then Jun 6th, would we be celebrating B-Day every year?

It will wash out,might need a little bit of pressure.:)

Ten days' work attachment to India several years ago without the merest hint of a problem until about 3am on the day I was due to fly back- total disaster. I woke up in the hotel, belly cramping and gurgling, "I need to go NOW." Left leg out of bed and all control was lost. :(

Drag the sheets off the bed and into the bathtub, shower on, tons of shower gel and then stand there for God knows how long, mimicking an old fashioned wine maker. Made a reasonable go of things, then full of shame had to call reception for fresh bedding, and to explain why, they were very good about it all. Had to make a couple more rush visits (thankfully more successful than the initial attempt), then it dawned on me "9 1/2 -10 hours on a bloody flight today."

Taxi to the airport, and I asked the driver to stop at a pharmacy, the guy behind the counter guessed what I needed before I'd even spoken "Bad tummy sir? sh***ing all night yes?" Nod, pay, thin smile, off to the airport. Baggage drop? no chance, small room first, then on with the usual processes of check in boarding etc.

"Captain speaking, we are hoping for a quick getaway as we know there will be military are activity in the area quite soon and we have reports of a monsoon front approaching so we want to get out ahead of all that."

Tech problem- can't leave for a while now as Indian military in the overhead (This was Pune for those why may know it - military airfield with a sprinkling of civil traffic).

Monsoon front hits, almost four hours later, we were allowed to leave - the amount of times I got told off for getting out of my seat prior to take off for "just in cases" must be some kind of record. Roughly every 40 minutes required an emergency sit down for the whole flight back; I know the rules, eat a little drink a lot, but even the water was exiting unprocessed every few minutes. Pretty sure the cabin crew thought I was listening to recordings of the London Philharmonic Brass section in there (of course the nearest convenience was next to the galley where they would all congregate for their quiet hours chat and coffee). Awful.

lsh, I too also heard the tales whilst in training and when I finally made it to Hercs after all those years on Wessex, I was not to be disappointed. I had the pleasure of taking the CSE show from Muscat to Thumrait during Saif Sareia in 2001. First incident took place before we got airborne when the Children's presenter AP took one look at the elsan and said '' I can't possibly use that'' and bravely ran away back to the terminal. Then when we are on our way the main female act decided she couldn't wait any longer. Up steps other loadie and gallantly holds the tatty curtain shut. Suddenly her head pops out asking for more loo roll, which was strange as there was a full one there before we left. It appears that she had the need to remove it from the holder and promptly dropped into loo. She wondered if we would retrieve it!!!!!!

And as for the Chris Fynes story he was not alone amongst SH Crewman. Ian H did the same thing whilst on exercise with 18 Sqn when they still had the mighty Wessex. I also agree with your appraisal of Chris a true gentleman. I worked for him 2 times on 72 first time at Odiham before he went to 230 and then again on 72 in NI. He was easily the best Crewman Ldr that I knew alongside Paddy W and Bob B, Crewman Leaders who looked after the troops.

On task in Irian Jaya, our chopper crew was invited to spend a night on a French oil rig and have a feed of fish and frog's legs. Rather nice, too.

Next morning, time for a constitutional, walked along the wooden pier to the cubicle at the end. This cubicle was open to the sky, and was just a hole in the pier with footprints painted either side. Oh well, you gotta do what you gotta doo-doo. It drops into the oggin, and a fish frenzy attacks it for their breakfast. Walking back to my cabin, I see the French crew fishing off the side of the pier... I suppose you call that recycling.

There was a story (not military but thread related) from a student halls tower block in Manchester (UMIST, not a proper university) in the mid-70s. Co-ordinated flush, called via the stairwell, along the lines of "Trap 3, 10 seconds, now" or words to that effect. Trap 3 on 9 floors flushed simultaneously, which apparently created enough flow to lift the manhole cover in the street and forcibly remove the Chinese student sat on Trap 3, ground floor. Someone said he wasn't very happy about it.

Having made several deployments to Turkey, my experience was that it was never a case of "if" you got tummy troubles but "when". As the crews used to say: "Happiness is a dry fart".

Its not only the aircrew that suffered from "spillage"; the underfloor areas at the back of the C130 suffered quite a lot of skin corrosion and the "Pork chop" fittings on the lower longeron to the tail risked stress corrosion. The amounts of fluid apparently were shocking. Hence there was a mod program to introduce the larger pot (for burly paratroopers with poor aim....). I got introduced to the mysteries of the services supply system while a mere sprog at the RAE to do this on the Met Flight Herc (XV208). Only a couple of years later, as a test engineer at the Design Authority, testing a cracked fitting was one of my first jobs. But when I had to do some in-flight measurements on the XV208 after servicing, then it was ideal opportunity to complete the job and flight test the newly installed facilty !

I remember changing the floor structure under the Nigerian CAA calibration King Air bog that had simply corroded away, the carpets I lifted were “stiff as a board”