Never fly with a full bladder
 

Wasn't sure what forum I should put it in but it was from an ex-military pilot who probably saw stuff like this during service before becoming a test pilot.

About Mutt Summers.....

Jock Bryce recounts that on his first flight with Mutt in the prototype Viscount 630 he was astonished to see Mutt beginning his pre-flight checks by relieving himself alongside the main wheels. “Never fly with a full bladder,” was his advice, “I know people who crashed with one and it killed them!”

What is it about wheels that makes men want to pee on them?

Just keep empty oil cans until after the flight.

The act of relieving can be symbolic, ritualistic, superstitious.
Until my arthritic fingers made it impossible, I was a keen bell ringer, achieving a goodly number of Quarter Peals all over Lincolnshire ...... 45 minutes of concentrated mental and physical effort, and dedicated teamwork in a six or eight member team.

The point [I knew I would get there] is that before the first Quarter many years ago, I needed a pee round the back of the church. Thereafter it was a ritual never to be missed.

Curiously enough, I can recall my Father telling me that Sir Stirling Moss made a very similar remark in relation to motor racing, and a quick shoogle with Google confirms the potential dangers of injury or death.

Jack

Nothing worse than when you struggle to tog up with an immersion suit and LSJ only to realise you need to go. Unless you’re hung like a donkey, gaining access via the outer zip, unrolling the tube with the horizontal lolllipop stick on the end and then searching within the suit through underpants and long johns tangled up with a vest, an aircrew jersey and a woolly pully was a nightmare. Especially when it was a cold day...

There’s something to that, known a few who have. Heard it said it cools hot brakes nicely. I’ll keep my distance while they try.

I must have higher standards than you lot, As I have been known to urinate off the engine decking of the Puma.

Salute!

I always peed by the gear so the bird would have a scent to return to.

Worked everytime except for weather or enemy attack diverts, and then the one time I had to deadstick into an international airport. A chinook brought the jet back home a day or two later and it flew again after patching up some holes.

Gums sends...

ALWAYS have a piddle before takeoff, you never know when the next one will be. But being caught inside a cloud in very cold temps, half-way through the outbound leg of a VOR with a dopey student taking his time, was not a pleasant experience.

He wondered why, instead of the pre-briefed missed approach, we did an auto to the far corner of the field, where I leaped out and broke the seal. On the back of the skid. The intercom lead didn't let me go any further back than that.

And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)

The side of the crew chief's hut was always good enough for me.

Late at night, many years ago, on the ramp at St Mawgan I watched a Dutch 104 pilot pee over his tailpane! Obviously not before flight, but after a lot of beer.

Pee over an F-104 tail plane? He must have been hung like an elephant!

I always thought that the bit above in bold was a prerequisite for Fast Jet pilots.

No no no no no. It's the WATCH that's big, whereas ...

Is 'watch' spelled 'e-g-o' in zoomie speak, Shy?

CG

I hope you yelled, "Below!"

CG

I believe that in the 19th century a coachman was legally entitled to relieve himself against the rear right hand wheel of his coach. This was so his horses wouldn't wander off wondering where he had gone to.

A long time ago I worked for a company that maintained two Oil Pollution Dakotas, one based in Exeter and the other in Kinloss. Every so often they'd be rotated for scheduled checks to be carried out. For those not familiar with these aircraft, there was an empennage access door in the rear bulkhead that opened about two feet above the floor of the toilet compartment (which was used for spare oil, engine covers, control locks and chocks but had no toilet!). On the other side of the bulkhead were elevator and rudder control cables and pulleys a couple of inches above the lower skin. I once asked one of the crew what they did if they needed a slash as it was a long flight at Dakota cruising speeds. You can guess the obvious reply. :eek: We never saw the evidence because the skins had drainage holes to stop water collecting.
So, not only had they cheerfully been corroding the control cables, we'd been checking them for fraying and their pulleys for freedom with our bare hands for Christ-knows how long...
They were nicely told to use an empty oil bucket in future.

The pesky bladder
 

Twice my bladder has caused me concern whilst airborne.

The first time was a formation transit from Souda Bay to Ancona in a Jaguar.

As we taxied I had a niggling suspicion that I should have gone for another wee (I always pee before donning g pants but after the walk round I felt like I could go again). As we got to the holding point I really needed to go but thought I could handle the 90 minute transit.

An inbound passenger aircraft with an emergency meant we held for about 30 minutes before finally departing. I should have unstrapped then but didn’t want to hold up our departure.

The following flight was agony and is the only time I have ever put pins in, unstrapped airborne and had mini-Bob in a pee bag.

The problem was, psychologically I couldn’t make myself pee even though I was in bladder twitching agony. So I resolved to wet myself. But I couldn’t even do that.

So after turning my g pants off for the break (I didn’t want anything squeezing my bladder) we landed, missed the right turn to dispersal and had to vacate left and wait to cross the active.

So to all those people watching the formation of Britain’s finest at Ancona airport in 2005, that guy who relieved himself over the side of a Jaguar with engines running was me.

The second time my bladder let me down was over South Dakota in a Hawk on a transit from Chicago to Rapid City.

My bladder caused an unplanned diversion to a place called Mitchell, South Dakota. Look it up! There’s not much there but we discovered, after landing, that they did have jet fuel and we ended up with a fine lunch in town.

I try to stay close to base now and drink less water!

BV

And countrymen used to pee on the fire at home in order to damp it down for the night.

At least one of them continued the habit into old age, until he went to a residential home, woke up in the night, and peed on an electric fire they had left on for him . . . .

True story.

Never mind a pee, it was a dump that I needed before flying.

Not so convenient when I used to fly hang gliders on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere...

Some 40 years ago, when I worked for MOD, I was involved in a field trial in Germany. One of the squaddies - despite the abundance of trees he could have aimed at - had a pee against the side of his APC, at which point his NCO gave him a good talking-to, explaining in no uncertain terms that Ronny REME would check the vehicle, think it was an oil leak, dip his finger in and lick it to confirm it was oil...

I heard a similar story in this part of the world in terms of going through all the motions in his fast jet in order to get into the proper position that it was........just a large amount of gas.

I've only done a few full peals so far, (up to 3 hours' ringing as you know), but I never would attempt the extreme length ones some crazy folk do; when they require, ahem, assistance with a bottle during ringing !!!

If you do pee on your aircraft do be alert for corrosion, you will be surprised how quickly metal changes.

There was a story [I hope not true] that a peal was completed in these parts some 30 years ago with the tenor having mistaken gas for semi-solids. The conductor insisted that the band finished the task in hand. My true story involved number four losing his trousers, to reveal blue shreddies. He always wore braces thereafter.

The Whirlwind 10s in SAR was once fitted with a pee tube that ran into a bag in the cabin. A trick that could have been used was to wait until the operator was just about to finish and then bang a size ten boot on it.

It never happened; honest.

Many years ago, 1950s, a Valiant was making a first tour around America. At one airfield, and I have a feeling it was Honolulu, there was a high powered reception committee. The captain briefed the crew, when we stop, let me get out of my flying suit the open the door and I will get out first. They duly stopped, the door open, the band struck up, and "there was a little flash of khaki, and there was Arkie, down the ladder, to the main wheel and . . " Well you can imagine the rest.

Same detail for at least one GR4 pilot and one nav (excepting the 2-star bit, and on separate occasions, I hasten to add) during those long Middle Eastern patrol missions. The pilot learned the wrong lesson from it: subsequently equipping himself with toilet paper and a spare helmet bag lined with a plastic bag, at least things were marginally easier (and cleaner) for him on the repeat performance a few months later...

DV windows
 

Disembarked in Singapore during the Malaysian campaign of the 1960s gave us plenty of time for "war stories". One, which I believe to be true, recounted a night flight in a vampire while under training. Said pilot needed a pee and decided to do it into his glove. Now what? I know. Open the DV window and chuck it out! OOPS! Said liquid ended up frozen on the inside of the cockpit!

I spent a few years flying a DC6 firebombing. The mid cabin emergency door was hinged on the forward side. If you needed a mid flight pee you just popped the lock and the door floated open a few inches with a nice vacuum at the opening. Whip it out and the stream went into the gap and disappeared with nothing on the airframe. Worked great until the, rather heavy and not very fit, other crew member decided to go for wizz when we were coming home on top at 16,000 ft in an area with a 15,000 ft MSA. He did not take a walk around bottle and passed out by the emergency door. Now we operated this as a 2 crew airplane with no autopilot so this was not a good situation. Fortunately it was smooth air and the good old 6 was wonderfully stable so I was able to run back with the walk around bottle slam it on his face and then run back to my seat with the airplane still flying along nice and straight.

The guy was pissed at me because I hurt his nose during my very enthusiast application of the O2 mask.:rolleyes:

True story. Trislander, North Sea ops. A long time on the ground in Norway, too many cups of coffee. Nice headwind on the way back to Aberdeen, and P-hour was going to be before ETA. Those who know the Trislander will know it's an open-plan aeroplane. We had a bar-box on row 2, so I treated all the passengers to a shot of whisky. leaving a half-full bottle. That was emptied into the (company) thermos, and, with the F.O. muttering "disgusting", said empty bottle was soon filled. A great relief, but there was a twist to the tale. I was honest, and declared the half-thermos of whisky to the lady customs officer, who charged me duty on it "to discourage crews bringing in alcohol". I honestly couldn't explain the extenuating circumstances. :=

I once heard a story of a Vulcan crew on a trans-Atlantic landaway. The Nav (Radar or Plotter) used his pee-bottle on the way to Canada, then stowed it under his desk.
On the way back he needed to use it again, but realised he forgot to empty it, so with the sub-zero temps at altitude, found himself with a large ice-pop!!!

This was so that the ladies of the day, passing by on the pavement, wouldn't swoon at the sight of the male appendage!
This law is still in effect today for London hackney carriage drivers but I suspect another law would see them marched off to the pokey!

CC

My "first employment " was as a bus conductor, awaiting A Level results. This was on the 5/ 5B route, Brighton Hove and District Omnibus Company in 1955.
Neither end of the route had a public convenience. Urinating as described above was routine, allegedly legal..
A tad awkward if the little old ladies clambered on the bus before the todger was deployed, but needs must.

I was hauling freight one night in a C402 when they guy with me said he just HAD to take a dump. So he unbuckled, picked up a cardboard box, went back and after a few seconds there was a horrifically disgusting smell in the cabin. Seriously, it was a paint peeler and I have NO IDEA how the smell made it forward given the age of the airframe and the amount of airflow through all the leaks in the cabin

I have to say I was tempted to haul back on the yoke, figuring that would make him weigh a little bit more than normal with the obvious consequences, but hey I'd probably have to fly with him again, so I held off on that one

When we landed he shoved the cardboard box, with the evidence into a regular bin on the edge of the apron near the terminal building. I'm not sure what else he could have done tbh, but still, what about the poor b@st@rd who had to empty the bin . . .

Glider pilots have given this matter considerable attention since once you get really serious about the sport and take on the challenges it presents, long flights are almost always involved. In the early days you simply hung on and drank as little as possible. More recently, adequate hydration is the go, and so more attention has been given to the technicalities of getting rid of the end product. Goog' provides quite a useful series of writings and discussion on the matter:

https://www.google.com/search?client...lider+pee+tube

(Stop laughing, this is serious ... )

Once knew a USAF exchange pilot who in a previous existence had been a FAC in Vietnam flying the push-pull Cessna. Inevitably, on one longish sortie, Motezumas Revenge set in and he really had to dump. Enterprisingly, he used the rather natty bone dome bag he had. After landing, he left said bag outside the line hut whilst signing in, equalling inevitable the bag was nicked by a local. You can only surmise the surprise when the thief opened his prize.

4 ship Lightning tailchase, in winter, all wearing goon suits with the old style attached boots. Walking in, No 4 seems to be treading warily. Seems that with the first hefty pull, the g-suit hit his bladder with the unfortunate after effect of filling his boots (not in a good sense).