Radio Transmissions
 

Gulf War One, cruising back to our base at Al Jubail when a US helicopter pitched up on Tower frequency with a languid southern drawl.
"Jubail Tower this is Dustoff, request join."
American controller replies.
"Dustoff this Jubail Tower, authenticate Hotel Mike."
Silence.
"Tower, we're army aviation out in the desert and we don't have that stuff."
"Dustoff authenticate Kilo Romeo." Replied tower with urgency.
Silence. We began to look around for the inevitable fireball as some trigger-happy yank took out this unidentified chopper.
"Sir, like I said we ain't got no crypto."
I could almost hear the thinks bubble in the tower.
"OK Dustoff, who won the Super Bowl in 88?"
"Ah, sir, that'd be the Washington Redskins!"
"Roger Dustoff, you're clear join!"

We were thankful that we did have the crypto as my knowledge of American Football is non-existent.

Come on people, there must be hundreds like this!

I wonder how long until...
 

"I am a lighthouse. Your call!"

BV:E

I say Over and out.... Over.... Over and out.

It's only a matter of time so let's get it over with:

''Yes, once in 1945 but I didn't land there" :zzz:

Roger, descending now!

Another mythical call - ' I'm not that bored'

However, reality of a sort intervenes and during Gulf War 1, we had to contact all merchant ships we flew past on Ch16 and ascertain their cargo, port of departure and port of destination. On flying past a ship, we would read the ship's name from the information painted on the hull, pass it to the tac nav who would initiate the call. In boredom, again drawing on an old and tired RT story, one LPG carrier's name was given as the letters painted on the bridge as - 'The Nosmo King'. Once the overworked tac Nav tried calling this callsign on Ch16, it opened the flood gates for the invention of spurious names such as 'Nopar King' and 'Esso Ottineer' along with the likes of 'Miar Sole'. To hear a senior nav call that his ar****le was on Ch 16 amused us during hours of tedium checking up to 136 contacts in a 4hr sortie. This led to competition between the tac nav and observers - be they flight deck or beam lookouts, to invent the most imaginable names and a pint waiting on detection or not. Simple things eh?

US Army Cobra helicopter....smacks the runway out of control and proceeds to put on a real show tearing itself to pieces as it rolls, tumbles,and otherwise thrashes itself to death. Tower Operator seeing the start of the fun....very quickly makes a radio call.

Tower- Cobra 161 do you need the Crash Trucks?

Cobra Pilot-I don't know....we ain't done crashing yet!

How about:
Tower: "Tiger Lead- you are on fire! -----uhh --Disregard I see you've already ejected!"
An oldy but a goody.

Junior operator on a Shackleton AEW crew carrying out voice crosstell to Buchan during a busy "Mallet Blow" exercise. Unfortunately he misinterpreted his chinagraph scrawl on the radar screen leading to the transmission:

"Buchan this is Anyface. Previously reported new track 612 is actually track friend 607. Track faker 603 should be faker 602. New track 612 is spurious..... Do you over-stand, under?"

During a boring boat-spotting exercise in the Tin Triangle, it is time for the Commissioned Fuse Changer to broadcast the information to all and sundry on the exercise frequency...

"All stations, Disport opens....yak yak yak...." and he drones on for several minutes of alphanumeric utterances, before finally ".....Disport closes".

Quick as a flash "Err, this is Midland Radar. I guess that wasn't for us?"

:uhoh:


On another occasion, OC10 Sqn Steve D****l is at the helm of a shiny Vickers FunBus and launches into a spiel about "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking......." at the end of which he hears an ominous 'click'.

"Oh bugger", he muses, "switch pigs". Sure enough, a few seconds later, "Ascot ****, this is Ascot ****. That was a really beautiful pax brief, but you're actually on Brize Tower!"

"Yes...thank you. I know!".

"Lead, 2, are you in reheat?"

"Negative"

"In which case, you're on fire".....

"Cancel two late lunches."
Followed shortly by;
"TIMBER!"

A sly foot on the transmit pedal and our Yank instructor broadcasts:

"And that'll be another beer in the Bothy."

We know it went out as 360 played in back to us for the next hour or so :)

Another couple I've overheard:

1968 from a student pilot in a Cessna 150:

"Cranfield Tower, Bedsair Charlie Mike, engine failure...request advice"
"Bedsair Charlie Mike, Roger. State position and intentions"
"Charlie Mike....I've just turned off onto the taxyway and the engine has stopped."
"Have you tried restarting?"
"Negative"
"Well, do so! If it starts, continue taxying!"

1976 from a Hunter pilot:

"Brawdy Tower, this is Red 2. I think I'm going to crash...."
Shortly followed by:
"I just have! Could you send a fire wagon?".

He'd just started taxying, one brake seized and he swung into the adjacent aircraft before he could stop.

Waiting at the hold at an RAFG station on our way home after yet another double IRT/Bierflug in the mighty VC10K, we are watching an Albert waddling rather uncertainly down the approach. It then smites the runway very hard indeed with clouds of tyre smoke; the wings sag noticeably before it staggers back into the air...

"Tower, Ascot **** ready for departure. We'll need to pull forward of the RHAG.....and these newly formed craters"
Peeved Herk QFI "We all had to learn once"
Anonymous voice "Clearly!"

Much chuckling and we're on our way. But I've never seen such a heavy C-130 landing as I saw that day!

Phantom over the North sea during an exercise comes up on the Neatishead TAD. Female fighter controller starts issuing instructions for an intercept. The pilot follows them, whereon the Nav asks,

"Aren't you going to authenticate her?"

"Authenticate her?" replied the pilot. "I've shagged her!"

In an issue of the exercise Alpha codes in the late 80's , the authentication for 'A-RS' was 'E'. During the first exercise after they were issued, it was the only code used. Strangely, it changed soon after.

Flying Humberside's radar service a couple of years ago, director was vectoring a pass jet onto the ILS (or trying to). There had been a meet of microlights at a nearby airfield and about 10 departing motorised snot rags were all chatting to each other about what an wonderful day they had had etc on the director frequency.

Harrased controller told them to clear frequency immediately, followed by a GA guy transmitting for a good 10 seconds saying he had never heard such terrible radio discipline and they were a disgrace blah blah. Humberside director much wailing and gnashing of teeth by this point...
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Crossing a certain airport's CAS recently on a VFR clearance but murky day.

'G-** Maintain 3,000', turn left 270, traffic departing to your north'.

'3,000 on 270 G-**. I'll be India Mike Charlie on 270, request change of clearance to IFR'

'G-** remain VFR but in cloud.'

Er...rightio then...
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My home airfield. Often told to orbit a certain point inbound while they deal with the heavy stuff. After one such hold, orbiting for around 10 minutes and all quiet on the radio front I thought I ought to drop a hint

'G-** still orbiting'

'Ah......yes, circuit clear what sort of join would you like?'

'Would one that ends in a landing be too much trouble?'

Two more 'historic' calls:

"Say, mam, was I ever married to you?"

"Speechless One is this a practice?"
"Blip"
"Roger Speechless One, divert to Cranwell"


"Aberdeen, this is the f******g DanAir"

Offshore helicopter returning to Aberdeen: "xxxx, request descent"

Female controller (mistaking the c/s for one who wouldn't normally be asking for a descent at their position): "why do you want to descend?"

"Because I'd like to be closer to the ground when I get out?"

Flight of 3 RAF Chinooks approaching Coleman US Army base in Germany, for a refuel. The sqn's monthly-changing formation callsign was, for that month, Corncrake.

Ldr - "Coleman Tower, this is Corncrake Formation."

Twr - " uhhh... is that Corncrisp Information?"

Ldr - "Negative, Corncrake Formation."

Twr - "Roger, Cornflake Information, pass your message."

Ldr - Resignedly - "Roger, three Chinooks to join!"

Departing GA calls up requesting practice engine failure on departure, following GA with female trial lesson onboard explains what the one in front will be doing as they wait their turn....
As the departing aircraft climbs the instructor closes the throttle and declares the engine failure, student makes a total hash of it and the aircraft hits hard shearing off the right hand gear that bounces over the wing, the aircraft now dragging the wingtip and aileron along the ground veers off the side of the runway and onto the grass coming to rest with no injuries..
Young lady trial lesson looks at her instructor for the day and says "they don't half make it look realistic"


..

Captain's Name ...
 

Many years ago, UH-1H gets airborne from a Southern island and contacts Flight Information to file an abbreviated VFR flight plan for the return to home base.

"Iroquois 3805 airborne .... at 15, VFR at 1500ft for ... at time 48, POB 6, Captain's name is Morgan'.

Info replies "Iroquois 05 Roger, please spell the captain's name".

Dutiful co-pilot responds "Captain's name is Morgan, big 'M' small 'organ' ".

Info took some time to acknowledge this message, as you might expect. Co-pilot did not touch the controls for the rest of the trip.

A classic from GW1.
Buccs were spiking for Tornados, but also carried an LGB (because they could).

Bucc callsigns were river names, in this mission "Avon".

Tornados depart the target area, Bucc orbits over the top and sees a target.
Releases a bomb and spikes it onto the target....

...and transmits: "Bing bong, Avon calling!"

Reported to me by a controller at Eastern Radar (Watton):

An F 111 gets airborne from Lakenheath and checks in with Eastern; "Eastern Radar this is... er...standby...er...Ah, Eastern, we're an F 111 just airborne from Lakenheath and we've forgotten our callsign, can you get on to the SOF and get our callsign"

Controller obliges;

"From the SOF at Lakenheath adopt the callsign Stupid 01"

Large green helicopter (resupplying rations) approaching major HLS in Northern Ireleand:

"Hello Buzzard, this is Mission 1234; inbound your location with underslung load".

"Hello Mission 1234. This is Buzzard, authenticate AQ!"

In broad Scottish accent:

"De ye want this f***ing load or don't ye?"

"Roger, 1234, clear to land, spot 2"

Probably apocryphal!
This conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz, while flying from Europe to Dubai .

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am not in Iranian airspace, I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total silence)

A tale went round the RAF's Argosy force way back of a 215 Sqn copilot inbound to Bangkok who reportedly addressed the handling agents as "Bangbird Speedcock."

In the mid-70s, at Chicago O'Hare getting ready to go and overhearing a US pilot acknowledging his clearance: "OK, now we know how fast you can say it. Now let's hear how clearly you can say it."

Berlin Shoenefeld. Much digging going on in connection with the construction of the new terminal which leads to the inevitable WWII UXB. The German bomb disposal team are in attendance and when a critical stage is reached they close the Airport. This tower notifies to all with an expected opening time of 2pm. So at about 2.15 an English voice request start.

Twr. " Negative, airport closed bomb disposal still in progress"

Brit. "Oh, that's not the usual German efficiency we have come to expect"

Twr. "it is not our efficiency that you should question, it is your bomb that did not go off"

Brit. With much laughter " Roger, I will make some tea"

Dan Winterland - re. your post #16, actually it was the nav who didn't authenticate. The event took place on Suphpholk's phinest phigther squadron in about 1982 - the pilot was killing himself with laughter when he told us. He later became OC216 ; the nav reached very senior rank before retiring and has PPRuNed on many occasions, but not for a while now....

ShyTorque - Having met the owner of that broad Scottish accent, it didn't surprise me in the least that he said that.

Viet Taff town names are hard enough for non-Welsh speakers, but for our colonial cousins are particularly challenging. In the mid-1970s, you were supposed to call up on Low Level Common when entering an LFA as, until the late 1970s, they were rather small and it was sensible to know whether anyone else was there.

So one fine day, one of Uncle Spam's finest bells up on LLCommon: "All stations, all stations, this is Rhino 1 and 2. Flight 'a 2 F-4s, enterin' LFA 7 two miles southa' Lanind....Ladridnod...Larindod...ah, the hell with it. Three miles northa' Boolth Wells".

Or High Why Combee

One fine summer's day as I taxied out on the north side for 09R at LHR I was privileged to hear the following exchange:

A BA 747 was taxying out on the south side from T4. Almost from the moment he cast off the tug he started wittering on about an engine snag. This continued for some time until he finally said:


YS

Or the country cousin who alledgedly reported entering at Stabbs, when corrected and asked where he wanted routing to, asked for clearance to St Rumble for oceanic clearance.

Second-hand from Hunter mate who was there, and told us in the Bar later ... Late 60s ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing 243. Test 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, 10-9-8-7 ..... Ummm ... Kuala Lumpur test out."

Cue wobbly 4-ship somewhere over the junghole.

Surprised some wag didn't come in with "Six . . . "

French pilot over Kent coast, "Passing east of sheepy" (Sheppey).

On early 1970’s Nimrod conversion course “solo” with very well known kipper fleet captain, fluent in “french” , on handover from the approach controller originating from a former Dominion to the local controller famous for her full figure and getting intercom/transmit switch wrong:

“just my effing luck, first effing Peter Sellers and now Rosie with the big t-ts.

On 243.0, east of Lincolnshire according to the DF trace ...

"This is Wiggins, is anybody there?"

Ejection from a TF-100 using his SARBE. It worked, aircraft vectored down the trace, and he was found. Not, sadly, the other guy. I understand Wiggins ended up on F-111s.

Picture if you will an Albert sitting on the ground at Chicago awaiting slot time and monitoring the Ramp Freq...

A Lufthansa jet is late on Push-Back and wittering on and on about a passenger they have managed to mislay, when all of a sudden:

"Lufthansa XXX, this is EL Al YYY. Have you checked the ovens?"

<groan> :rolleyes:

I only asked....
 

"Kilo Golf Sierra 30 radio check"
"Kilo Golf Sierra 30 you are loud but distorted and unreasonable"

I thought I'd asked him quite politely, really!