Dining In, Dining Out and Mess Fun
 

I have read many accounts of hillarious activities that have occurred at Dining In, Dining Out, Mess parties, Beer calls etc. I would like to compile details of such events from those involved. Any air arm, any period. The more riotous, the better. There must be thousands of great stories out there, so please do not keep them to yourself.

Please could service personnel contact me on my email, [email protected].

Thanks very much for your co-operation.

Robert "Bob" Archer
Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

How are we going to divide the royalties? Will it be per word in the witty anecdote or what?

Inquiring minds and all that...

Sorry, havn't thought about that. Just wanted to get hold of some of the thousands of wonderful stories. Been reading Tom Eeles book when he was at Honnie with the Bucc. Wonderful tales about Dining Out the Bucc OCU. Really funny. There must be so many more tales to be told.

Bob

Well, if you intend to publish these tales then 10% of any sales should just about cover any of my stories. I don't want to be greedy. Got to supplement my forthcoming pension somehow.

Copyright could be an issue.

Maybe trawl all the previous posts in Pprune, get names, promise cash.

The 1 Gp dining-in night deserves a whle chapter on its own.

See http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...addington.html

:\

Great idea - especially the bit about 40% of profits to H4H!

Of course, most of these stories will have to be taken with a pinch of salt, as they will have been embellished with repeated telling and of course the perpertrators and the witnesses were already suitably imbibed at the time, therefore the details of the event should be treated as suspect on recounting ("your honour!").

Also, some details are deliberately left out or misleading in order to protect the guilty - or innocent bystanders. (You decide!).

One such episode which I can mention with some authority, although if pressed will admit that it's just hearsay ("your honour") is regarding an event at a RAF training base in the 1980s where a Friday night Dining in was made a three line whip as such events were far from popular. The mess was a dreary place built in the 1960s and looking more like council offices rather than a place of fun and jolity, and most of the pilot students would much rather be on the road to somewhere better - going to shag their girlfriends. Add the fact that the Mess was shared with engineer students who ruled the roost and made the student pilot's life miserable with every chance they got - the pressed pilots were particualarly unhappy to be there that evening.

Also, it had been decided that for ''training purposes'' the Mess should have a student PMC and it was he who would preside over the Dinner. This student was an senior engineer student who was universallyunpopulor, even amongst his enginnering peers - and as the engineers hadn't been subject to the three line whip was presiding over majority of pissed off pilots.

Now some of us pilots (not saying who) had already planned the after dinner entertainment. The student PMC owned a classic British sports car which was his pride and joy. It was considered that it would be amusing to see his face when it was declared a "burner" and even funnier when the act was done. Now, these pilots had prepared for this jolly jape by going to a scrapyard and purchasing a similar car, hastily painting it in the correct colour so that at a distance in the dark, it would look like the PMCs. Unfortunately, the scheme was good in concept, but faulty in execution. The planners had failed to anticipate the emotion of the pilot mob after such a dreary dinner and as soon as the call to burn the PMCs car went up (after the loyal toast of course) the mob immeidately acted on the call - even before the speeches. The real car had been removed from the Pseudo PMC's parking slot outside the mess, but the replacement had not yet been parked. The mob headed for the car park, found the real car and burned it!





I went back to this station a few years later, as an instructor. The event was still mentioned, but in whispers and hushed tones, as apparently the Police case was still open! :(

Nice one.

And I still wonder how the senior course got the Station Commander's car on top of SHQ at South Cerney, it was the old style round-back Standard Vanguard.

In contrast getting OC Training's mini between two trees at Lindholm was a PoP; watching him drive it out was better. MT replaced the bumpers before he was up the next day.

>In contrast getting OC Training's mini between two trees at Lindholm was a PoP; watching him drive it out was better.<

Getting our CFI's car on axle stands was a PoP. Watching him try to drive off next morning without having done a walkround was entertaining. Dire threats of groundings were vetoed by the Boss on account of the fact that the latter had assisted in the malfeasance.

Remember lifting a creamie QFIs souped-up Mini into the Mess Foyer at Syerston - the wide wheels gave very little clearance through the double-doors. :E

However, game set and match to said creamie (P*** D****k*r) who jumped in and drove it out at great speed. :eek:

The 1 Group Dinner
 

The 1 Group Dinner is a great story but is it true?

I have heard the story with embellishments over the years and met a guy who said he was researching a book about it. However, I have never met anybody who was there, nobody can give me the name of a reliable witness, there is no mention of a Group dinner in the Forms 540 of the main or contributing units and when I ask a question, the responses are all of the 'well, so and so said...........'.

The dinner must have taken place between Nov 56 and May 59 and the CinC for the period was Broadhurst and the AOC 1 Gp was AVM G A Walker both long departed.

It's a great story, strong on the action but weak on the veracity.

Old Duffer

Old Duffer,

When I was at MUAS in the late 1960s, one of the QFIs was a Vulcan pilot - P**** M***s. He was at the 1 Gp DIN and would regale us students with amusing tales of the chaos and debauchery. I particularly remember the ensuing transport shambles after all the coach destination boards had been changed. Apparently it took days to get all the crews crews back to their proper stations!

I am currently at home feeling grotty and sorry for myself - or at least I was until I found this thread and followed BEagles link. The ensuing laughter has done me the world of good although the dogs seem to be doubting my sanity and are giving me funny looks. Thank you. :D :D :D :D :D

Minis have a 3/4" clearance on each side for mess foyer doors.
We put it in, at Waddington I think, and the MT section took it out in the wee hours (without asking us to shift it) and damaged the doors in the process. They billed us, but we successfully argued that if a bunch of drunken aircrew can put it in without damage, then it was MT incompetence that damaged it.

Minis will also fit into ****** University college rooms, but you need a welding torch.:E

I had heard tell you can get minis into some bomb bays.................

Perhaps some bomber mate can enlighten us?

Corsa went through the doors at Lossiemouth and into the Bar, there was an interesting photo of 3 different Sqn bosses on the roof of said car, with the fire hose filling it up! The ensuing stand up bollocking in the OM for all who attended the lunch of the year was even funnier.

Ivor

Minis? Huh .....
 

...who was the guilty party who took a JCB up the flight of steps to the main door of the mess at St Mawgan and into the foyer?
Come Monday the JCB driver couldn't get it out and stood back as the original miscreant was summoned from the squadron to remove it. An artist at work.

The Ancient Mariner

O-D, no, all true. BB and Gus were guests and not in post. It was in 1965 as it was the 25th anniversary. It would have been around June-July and crews used to do annual refresher training at the OCU and BCBS every year and it came around like clockwork. I was at Lindholme that day and returned to Cottesmore that night.

All I will say is that we left Lindholme in sufficient time to arrive at Waddo at our designated slot time. There were 34 navs on the bus but only one staff navigator as opposed to nav radar. I remember passing the Liberal Club in Lincoln before turning left into Broadgate. We arrived at the mess with immaculate timing on the minute - only problem we were at Scampton.

This was not too important as we still had some beer remaining in the barrels that had been thoughtfully installed to deaden the pain.

Anything else you require verification I am happy to answer.

usual excuses and waivers apply

Would someone please tell the story about chain-sawing the dining tables?
Great story, best told by someone with the full facts!

Thanks,
lsh
:E

No wonder you arrived at the wrong airfield.

Scene - Moscow Camp in Northern Ireland, the home of the RN at that time. It's Tarranto Night and the SNO has invited the Secretary of State for NI, the GOC and many other luminaries. Oh, and he has invited a slack handful of naval aviators currently on det at Aldergove. Everyone (except one sub lieutenant pilot!) is assembled in the anteroom, in their finery, before going in to dinner. The door opens, and in rolls a large cabbage, fizzing slightly. It reaches well into the room, and everyone turns to see what it is. The thunderflash, which had been inserted in it, goes off with a huge bang, and everyone is now wearing coleslaw! Subbie was thown out of the mess forthwith.

1 Group Dinner

P-N: I too was there and remember it well . But I think the 2000 post you dug up exaggerates it a bit. My overriding memory was of the C in C being barracked as soon as he stood up to speak. There were a lot of dignataries on the top table including the Lord Lieutenant of Lincolnshire and a senior cleric (the Bishop of Lincoln, I think). it must have been accutely embarassing for the host, AOC 1 Group, as he witnessed his career going down the tubes.

The next morning we were all summoned to the briefing room at the Ops block where the Station Commander (Gp Capt Mawer) delivered a dressing down - not with any great conviction, as I recall.

A pedant writes: O-D: The AOC was AVM Stapleton, a rather austere South African, and not Gus Walker. Walker was AOC in the late 50's and was well liked. Due to a wartime accident he had only one arm, but amazingly flew the Vulcan with the aid of a special contraption.

RC, I stand by whatever I wrote :)

We too received a bollocking, as directed by the AOC. Naturally none of his officers would have been so bad. The AOC had also been concerned that a large floral shield depicting the 1 Gp badge had gone missing. It had been planned as a major exhibit at the Bawtry flower show or some such.

No one knew where it had gone.

The odd carnation in front of the mess at Cottesmore must have been dropped quite coincidentally.

PS,

The carnations did not stain my No 1 trousers at all. And it wasn't me anyway.

Sawing Tables
 

Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era. The standard banter from the Tornado sqns was that 55 Sqn were all knackered old farts. Therefore at a station dining-in 55 Sqn laid down a challenge to the young Tornado whipper-snappers. Towards the end of proceedings, two of the youngest and least-wizened old crones produced a two-man lumberjack's saw and set about cutting their leg of the table in half. This they achieved in reasonably quick time, given their relatively advanced age and the thickness of the Mess tables, and enquired whether either of the Tornado sqns could do better. The sqns rose to the challenge, each finding two strong young men to cut through their own tables in turn, both in quicker time than 55 Sqn. Yet more "old fogey" banter was heaped upon the old men in the bar afterwards.

On the following Monday the sqn cdrs were summoned to the Stn Cdr's office. They knew what was coming, and were equipped with cheques from the Sqn Officers' Funds to pay for new Mess tables. Noticing that OC 55 was absent, the other two sqn cdrs asked the Stn Cdr where he was. "He is not here because 55 Sqn replaced their leg of the table with a trestle table before the start of the dinner" came the answer. Truly a triumph of age and experience over youthful enthusiasm - with a hefty dollop of treachery for good measure!

As I recall it wasn't a 'Student PMC' but the real PMC (who was an Engineer) and the car that got trashed was, in fact, the 'ringer'.

Said Officer went apoplectic and threatened all sorts of charges. The joke was kept going until Plod turned up when it was pointed out that no actual harm had been done to the Officer's jalopy. Tiger Tim who was the Staish at the time found it all most amusing!


O/T but almost as funny was the saga of the 'Minute steaks' in that Mess. It turned out later that the Mess Manager was on the fiddle and buying in cheap, rubbish meat, but I digress.

One learned that if steak was on the menu to avoid it like the plague. All that is except for one student (who later went Helos) who kept having the steak in the hope that he would eventually get a half decent one. After several attempts he wrote a rather 'pointed' comment in the Messing Suggestions Book that the steaks would be better used for re-soling DMS boots and was roundly criticised for it by the Mess Sec, to whit the Messing Suggestions Book was not the place for complaints, and that there was no evidence that there was anything wrong with the steaks.

The next time steak was on the menu our hero tried again, whilst the rest of us had fish.

Upon biting in to a morsel, he went red in the face, muttered 'Right!' under his breath and strode out of the Dining Room with the offending steak in his hand.

We later found out that he had stapled the offending item into the Messing Suggestions Book with the comment: 'Here's your bloody evidence!'

:D

IIIRC he got a week's Orderly Officer.

Doing it hard in the colonies
 

Everyone in the NZ Army know the legend of Captain Teddy Brooker - Ex Veitnam Chopper pilot and turret head. One mess night he stole a Walker Bulldog Medium tank, parked it outside the Old Officers Mess in Waiouru, poked the barrel through the window. Gave everyone a sporting chance and let rip with a blank.
Nuse sitting on the barrel when it went off, got the ride of her life and significant burns. Mess was internally wrecked. What I didnt find out about this commonly known yarn was that a friend of mine's Dad was down the corridor in the toilets and when the blank went off the ladies toilet door was blown off and completely crushed a cubicle, thankfully with no one in it.

Reminds me of an occasion at RAFC. After complaints about the number of cockroaches spotted scurrying about in the College Hall kitchen when it was subjected to a post-night flying eggy-bakes raid, we were assured that "There are no cockroaches in the College Hall kitchen" by The Grown Ups.

A few days later, the Messing Suggestions book was noted to be not quite closed flush. Upon inspection, a 'suggestion' was found which stated: "Sir, I suggest that this previously unknown creature be sent to the Natural History Museum for evaluation, since I am assured that it is NOT a common cockroach." On the opposite page, secured under some fablon, was a grimly struggling cockroach.......

Cost my old chum Dick "Whizzbang" W***l**e a few days OO, that did!

One other 'suggestion' which I recall was "Sir, suggest that Brie, Stilton and other fine cheeses appear on the menu on occasions other than today's visit by the Mayor of Grantham".....:\

That's not the only time it happened then!

Picture, if you will, a secret base in the far South West operating a type that is, sadly, no longer with us, in support of Dark Blue interests.

One resident Sqn plus the OCU gives the game away, but Dining Nights always involved attendance by members of a Dark Blue 'sister' Flying Sqn (from a base even further West), with each Sqn and Stn Wg sitting at their own tables. The Dining Night in question was the last time that Units were permitted to occupy their own tables.

Previous to the Dining Night in question, a certain Scottish Navigator had been banned from the Mess for a year for calling the Staish a 'c***' and there was a fair degree of resentment about this from members of the resident Sqn, nor least, the Officer's on that crew.

Co-Pilot of said Crew decides to play a jolly jape by sawing a table in half midway through the speeches. With a cry of 'Boring!' he leaps from his chair, grabs a chainsaw that he had secreted under the table, and promptly saws the table in half.

Not to be outdone the FAA friends think 'This is a good idea', grab the chainsaw and promptly saw their table in half.

Unfortunately for the FAA, the RAF 'table' was, in fact' a piece of block-board placed above the joint between two separate tables.


Ooops!

Been thinking about this request for stories... It might be a great idea to publish a book of these, with proceeds going to the RAF Ben Fund and Help For Heroes....

What do you think ?

The more stories the better.

Many thanks

Bob Archer

Top Table Tales
 

And, oh look, here's the January 2000 version at Post 11 by Jensen in a thread with a very intriguing title:

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...tml#post445596

Can't be bothered looking? Oh well, it's Friday night, it's late, so here it is:

"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at dining-in nights. On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better. Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces. After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.

Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”

Always a pleasure to help those who wear a lighter shade of blue! :ok:

Jack

OTOH you would know where to place the blame. THAT was one reason the 1 Gp dining-in night was such a success :}. It had been arranged that no two seats would be occupied by someone from the same station. We were placed where we were told. All that is except for BCBS. They had the seating plan and were able to pick and chose, not by name but by unit.

I think the idea was that a Cottesmore matey could sit with others from Cottesmore. I think to a man all they did was chose to sit by someone from Nocton Hall :)

Again that is another tale.

Gp Capt Mawer / Thread Drift
 

Post 22, if that gentleman was latterly Air commodore AW Mawer, Air Comander Malta, he had a wry sense of humour. Found myself in his office one saturday lunchtime having conducted a tour of the extensive aviation fuel storage facilities at the behest of various NEAF starred luminaries. All had gone rather well, ACM invites the starred galaxy to take a pre-luncheon snifter. said VVIP's name their tipple, ACM looks to me, Iam somewhat Star struck and give the standard esponse of "G n T sir" - ACM smiles wryly and says " Philip, since you are a Flt Lt,and ex Cranwell, you might have taken the hint that my nod in your direction was not so much an invitation to imbibe, but more an indication that you should fill the glasses of these thirsty officers". I never did fathom how he knew my name, though he did hand me his aircrew watch when he departed to become the Chief Executive of Basildon new Town

I started thinking about this and figured I could write a book purely on what I have witnessed myself. Oh happy days!

Royalties! You have to be joking.

This is how it works -

Book Price = £10

Publisher takes £9

Author gets £1

I know, I've done it already!

There's no money in it and if the poor old OP has to share his pound with every subscriber it will be a lot of effort for bu**er all reward - other than a book of fine stories (of which I am preserving mine for my memoirs!)

Foldie:\

PS. Unless you are JK Rowling, of course!

Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above. While it is a good dining in night tale it has nothing to do with the 25th Anniversary Dining-in night of ill repute in 1965.

AOC 3 Gp had been planning to hold a similar extravaganza, probably at Marham, later that year. He received a phone call with the sucinct message "Forget it!".

As mentioned, Stapleton's career came to an abrupt stop. He completed his tour and became Commandant of the RAF Staff College. Other commandants became ACM and Marshal of the RAF.

Thanks for the table stories :)

Glad 55 Sqn won-out, my Grandfather served on it, in 1916!

lsh
:E

Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above.

No worries, PN but in the words of the prophet, please don't shoot the messenger!:= If you would kindly reread Post 30, you will see that I was simply quoting Jensen, whose opening words were:

"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect ....." and 11years on you effectively have, whether a witness or not.:ok:

However, since he hasn't posted since February 2003, Jensen may not get the message.:oh:

Jack

Dining In Night Stuff
 

Sector Dining In night - Leeming in the early-mid eighties - THAT table - carrier deck landings (who forgot to remove their waistcoat?). A night to remember and a large bill to have the table top skimmed and repolished!. CB

Dining In, Dining Out and Mess Fun
 

thanks for the replies so far. I was thinking. Maybe this could be compiled into a book to raise money for the RAF Benevolent Fund and Help For Heroes. What do you all think. I certainly don't mind compiling the stories.

These hillarious activities could well go toward raising much needed funds.

Keep the stories coming... But please add the appropriate air station, and an approximation of the date.

There must be some from overseas RAF stations...Come on Germanyy, Middle East, Cyprus, Tengah,Butterworth, and maybe Nellis... There must be some great tales from deployment to Decci, Malta, North Africa, and all points west.

How about some good old piano destruction, and maybe a few car fires ??

Best wishes

Bob

Jack,

I was playing the ball not the man.

Now I shall play the man. In my post #72 on the original thread, albeit 4 years after the OP, I refuted Jensen's post. I was simply trying to stop it being perpetuated once more. Admittedly he may have been confused with the take over of 3 Group by the premier Group.