Mod Switchboard.
 

Hi, not exactly air crew topic, and I'm a civvy so excuse the intrusion.

Do you get annoyed by the MOD Switchboard? They never seem to have up to date numbers and their lack of knowledge is remarkable. Try asking for a RN press officer in one of the dockyards for example.

I rang today wanting to be put through to Ark Royal. "What is Ark Royal" came the reply from the call taker.

Dear God....

Dan

Yup, I recall having a nightmare some years back

Me: Hi, can I have 11 Sqn Crewroom, please
Doris: Sorry, I have no 11 Sqn listed.
Me: You must have, RAF Leeming?
Doris: Nope, sorry, I have a 25 Sqn - will they do?
...much later...
Doris: I do have an XI squadron at Leeming...
Me: PVRs

Things have evidently improved :suspect:

I asked them for the number for ATC at RAF St Athan once

'How do you spell that?'

'St At' 'No'

'8 T 3'- ATC !! Doh !:}

Me - Can I have the number for 5 Sqn ops, Conningsby pse?
Them - 5 Sqn doesn't exist.
Me - erm yes it does, can you check again pse.
Them - nope it definitely doesn't exist as we don't have the number
Me - I think you'll fi..........
Them - you'll have to speak up, I can't hear you.
Me - That's because 5 Sqn are flying over the top of me as we speak.:\

Good to see nothing has changed - and in answer to the original question, yes, they are bloody annoying and staffed mostly by people who have failed the Woolworths exam.

Some years ago, my request for OC 41 Sqn, RAF Coltishall

produced a phone number for OC C4I Sqn, RAFC Cranwell.

And when you call from an outside/civvy line the number they give you, 'for future reference', is a GPTN number.

There was one slight flaw in the plan - it was bo11ox!

Actually, I found the switchboards across the British Empire to be both efficient and cordial. I spent many a happy night in GDOC at Aldergrove dialling them randomly until a sweet sounding young lass answered... If you got really lucky phone sex was an option... It doesn't sound like much but 3 months in NI does funny things to a young man's hormones... :}

Ah, I thought this thread was going to highlight this story, no wonder there are problems:

Do the 'operators' still have the habit of 'dropping' you on to any old number just to meet their targets?:mad:

Dialled '222' once for the Fire Section ... only to be answered in Glasgow asking all sorts of crass questions - fortunately the Section reacted before our super efficient phone service could put me through!!!!!:uhoh::mad:

That was all over a decade ago ... hopefully things have changed?

No if you ring 222 still get answered in Glasgow ! and loads of questions are asked, during a practice fire it was quicker to ring the fire section first then 222.

Why are you only allowed to ask for one number! Needed to speak to 3 sections at one unit but was told it was MOD policy to only give you one number and I'd have to ring back for the other 2 numbers. Solution phone the first number and ask them for the other numbers - if it was a proper service you would not have to do that!

Awful, awful service of the absolute lowest order....
My personal favourite:
Me - "Can you put me through to HMS Raleigh Wardroom please?"
Op - "She's at sea"
Me - "that's surprising... she's a shore establishment"

Even more infuriating is trying to contact a ship at sea from a civvy line. It's almost impossible. A tip for anyone needing to do this though - call the Whitehall operator. They'll do it for you.

It's not all bad.

Some years ago I needed to contact urgently #2 son who was at sea chasing away all those nasty Spanish trawlers.

I rang the MoD to speak to the duty Commander who said he would get said son to ring me back. Ten minutes later I'm speaking with him via the ship's Satphone.

Pretty good, I thought.

Last week a colleague was trying to call in sick and her boss's phone wasn't taking voice mail so she decided to call me. She didn't know my extension so she rang the operator who said I didn't exist. I found this out when colleague came back to work so I thought I'd ring the operator....

"Hello, can I have the number for Mr xxxx at ABC, please?"
"There's no-one with that name there"
"Yes there is, me. I can see my details on the Defence Directory and I want to know why you can't"
"I'm sorry sir, what's the Defence Directory?":ugh:

'nuff said?

Mac,

Assuming that at least one of your questions is neither rhetorical nor sarcastic

The Defence Directory may be accessed on line through the Defence Intranet. You may search for a person or a post and it will give you the unit, telephone number and email address.

Or it should.

There is a problem with DD in that it is an individual responsibility to notify the centre of your new post when you move. A further problem is that one post can only be filled by one person; this causes a problem during handover/takeover. Of course you have to have an entry to correct it.

Sad to say, many people don't realise they are in the DD and many are down by post only and not by name and post.

Riskman's point I think was obvious.

Just ask to make a MENTOR service call. Then smirk with satisfaction knowing how much its costing the MOD!

Sad I know but.....

I used to know someone who worked for DCSA.

The reason they will only give you 1 number is because........

it's 50p per number that they give you (or it was a few years ago) so that is why they will only give you one number and make you ring back if you want another one

If you ask to be connected once they have given you the number the MOD is billed 50p for the operator to connect you.

Why? Yes you guessed it, it's in the contract. Another PFI marvel; is it any wonder we cannot afford decent kit.

Many years ago there was a great thread on PPRuNe entitled "Dial 192 and Speak to a Numpty" (IIRC). I know for a fact it was printed off and put in front of the Major General in charge of DCSA. It was full of wonderful gems, such as the person who was told there was no 'Empty Section at RAF *******" (instead of MT), however he dismissed it as exaggerated stories and that the system was working fine.

Also in the contract was that units could no longer produce their own telephone directories and the old RAF "intergalactic telephone directory", which listed all of the numbers on every station (remember having to amend that as a holding officer?) had to cease publication.:ugh:

Thanks for the tip-offs years ago about the Dumbarton dummies and their 'call dumping' ploy to increase revenue, Roly!

It did amuse me to try to call OC101 once, only to be told he didn't exist...:\ He was most amused when I told him.

Ah - the good old days at Brawdy (1975-6) when the phones didn't even have dials. You just picked up the phone and some aged Druid connected you to the appropriate extension.

Remember when cross-country calls involved a series of progressively fainter old biddies chatting to eachother ("Central...click, click, Rothwell Haigh please, dear...click, click...Machrihanish please....click, click...."Hullooo, RAF Machrihanish here....")? And the occasional screech of "ARE YOU WORKING??!!" if you dared to pause for thought in mid-call!

A mate using this system once got pissed off when it well went dead "Ah f*ck it, the bastard telephone's gone t*ts up. Bolleaux!" he muttered to no-one in particular, only to be chastised by some vexed harpy who retorted "There's no call for language like that, young man, I'm trying to connect you!".

Dial-a-mate worked fine in the 80s and 90s. But getting rid of station operators in favour of failed burger-flippers at call centres proved a total disaster.

Thank heavens for cellphones!

Incidentally, does anybody know what you dial to get MOD Operator these days?

Daft question I know, but 100 / 192 are both coming up as dead / disconnected and even the Comms guys here didn't realise that was the case. Has the number changed and the MOD just not bothered to tell anyone?

I used the Mil 192 system two days ago, didn't get the number I needed :ugh:, but they did answer, you may have had a local problem.

I think it's more worrying that your local Comms people was such little help.