50 stories for 50th birthday
 

The AAC will shortly be 50 years young. I am looking for the best 50 stories from over the years. You know the ones:

The pink baron and the smoke grenade in the gazelle
The scout that landed next to the boat that had just been painted
etc etc

Over 50 years there must be some crackers. All stories considered and will be printed in a 1-50 chart. Prize for the winner.

Anything to do with the AAC.

Immunity granted.

PM me or [email protected]

Someone will be able to flesh out the one about the gazelle pilot who took a huge ****ehawk through the canopy; which, since it was really pissed off by now, then set about trying to eat said pilot!

CG

A gazelle crew from Detmold(one of whom could be called Arfur) arranged to take the wife of the Sqn OC for a famil flight. She was an air traffiker in the Detmold tower, so it was all above board. towards the end of the flight, they dropped in at a local landmark(big comms mast, the name of which escapes me), that also had a cafe, for kaffe und kuchen.

At the end of the refreshment, the good lady had to visit the little girls room and the plot was hatched. One of the crew paid the bill and departed for the aircraft. Upon the lady's return it was explained by the other that they had come flying without their wallets and couldn't pay the bill(no I don't know why she couldn't pay). When the aircraft started, they would do a runner, jump in and fly off. She was obviously aghast at this, but had to go along or be left stranded, but agreed to be sworn to secrecy.

The deed was done and they arrived back at Detmold. The crew got to the OC before she did and briefed him accordingly. He spent the evening asking various questions as to how her trip went, while she tried to avoid giving the game away.

MG. Good one. Koteburg sounds right.

CG i remember the story, got any details?

Jeep,

Nope- I was told the story by an AAC Staff Sgt when idling in Belize one time. Had no reason to think it un-kosher though!

CG

Jeep
I'm sure I heard the Koterberg story from the horses mouth - a certain SSgt QHI in Detmold in the early 1990s, no less.......:cool: no names, no packdrill etc
There is always the one about the SQHI and Sqn OC, also from Detmold, who on the OC's final trip, decided on a Wingover sortie, only to end up walking home having stoofed in.....
Why restrict the stories to PM when so many more can enjoy them here?
tbsg

And of course the group of 50 would be incomplete without the 'flashing white glove'

BAOR 1980's, baby pilot and baby aircrewman are practicing forced landings in a Gazelle.

'Practice Engine Failure - GO!'

Why has it gone quiet?

When I said 'In the event of.... operate the fuel shut off lever.... thats not what I meant!!'

Good engine-off landing though!

I'm not sure of the source of this, although I recall at the time I first read it that it was reliable!

A senior pilot was tasked tp proceed to Salisbury Plain training area as an unexpected player [to the participants] in an Army exercise. [Well it would be wouldn't it!]. He was briefed to land at a specific grid reference and then 'phone a number for further orders. He duly arrived on site to find a large parade ground with a full dress inspection going on. After circling for a moment to confirm his position, he decided he must be part of the exercise and approached to land. It was not a pretty sight as the parade. minus caps scattered to the four winds.

Unperturbed, he despatched his crewman to make the phone call but, soon after, started to get somewhat anxious. The previous occupants of the parade ground were not taking too kindly to his presence, and several senior Army officers shook their fists at him. His colleague returned.

"What's the brief then?" asked the pilot.

"Well, put it this way Sir", replied his mate, "i've just tried to ring the grid reference".

no objection to them being posted on here. some may prefer the other way. post away chaps, all entries welcome.
amusing, daring, crazy.... you name it, im interested. 50 years of story telling, crack on.

Crusader 80, fine exercise, lasted ages. Big inversion and we are flying at 2000feet just to get some vis. Its the weekend, so no low flying. Near Hannover. Up ahead is an upside down flying saucer not 5km ahead. Well i looked at the pilot (strach), he looks at me. We look back at the flying saucer. No one speaks, no one wants to admit it. 20 seconds pass, and a large airship takes shape. Much cleaner air in herman land these days.

As I start, it is important to point out that all involved were in on the jape apart from the unfortunate victim.

A Military Policeman, upon awarding of "Wings" was posted to Detmold, for the sake of argument 654 Sqn. Another Military Policeman was already there in a different Squadron, again for the sake of argument, 659 Sqn. After about 4 weeks, the local SIB rang the new boy and asked him to pop in for a chat. Once there it was explained that his posting had been contrived as there was drugs problem in his unit, specifically amongst the aircrew. It wasn't that they were using the stuff, some had been intercepted in Andover that had origins in Germany, the thought was it was being flown back in Army aircraft and then distributed by the pilots. If he heard of anything, he was to report back. When he pointed out there was already someone else from the RMP within the unit, he was told that that individual is among the suspects.

Fast forward 4 weeks or so and the Sqn 2i/c on a Friday tells our victim he is going to UK on Mon to ferry an aircraft back to Oxford. Don't worry about the planning etc, it is all done, just turn up on Mon with an overnight bag. Odd, he thinks, as a nig pilot, I should be doing something; think I will mention it to the SIB.

Mon arrives and off they depart. The aircraft has overnight kit and some "essential spares". They have to go to Gutersloh to draw immersion suits and LCJs. Our victim is told to monitor the refuel whilst the 2i/c gets the kit and files the flight plan. Whilst on the pan, the RAFP turn up and ask for a look around, certainly is the reply. No, we really do want to have a thorough look round. They come to the "essential spares" and open the box, the pan is covered in granulated coffee (used to disguise the smell from dogs) and a bag of white powder drops onto the floor.....at just about the same time as our victims jaw does the same. As composure is trying to be recovered, the 2i/c turns up and announces that all the packing had been done by the victim (who now resembles a codfish). Both are arrested and marched off to the Police Station.

Once in separate cells, the 2i/c is immediately released, jumps in the cab and flies back to Detmold. Our victim however is interrogated at length by the RAFP. 4 hours. At one point, the Station Commander and the Station Warrant Officer put their head in and say, "Is that him? Good, carry on", and then march out. Our victim tries to get hold of the three people who can corroborate his story, the SIB individual, the CO and the Adjt. SIB is on the golf course, the CO and Adjt are on the road to JHQ. This was all before mobile phones. Our victim is stuffed.

Eventually, he is released to Army custody, the biggest Cpl in the RMP we could find and he escorted by him and a huge RAFP through the arrivals and departures lounge of RAF Gutersloh, in a flying suit, in handcuffs. Once on the pan he asks where his aircraft is whereby he is told it now form part of a criminal investigation and is in a hangar pending forensics. What about the 2i/c? He has been released to the OC HQ Sqn about 2 hours ago.

Another aircraft is there to collect him; there was no conversation between the crew and the victim. On arrival at Detmold, the victim is to report, under escort to the Regt 2i/c office pending the COs return. To get there he has to walk through 659 Sqn's hangar, as the doors are open, his Sqn is on parade with our hero at the front with a 6' tall clockwork key for the biggest wind up of the year.

That was 16years ago, SL has been looking over his shoulder ever since.

Straight in at no 1 SL. good one.

That'd be Buggly and Bob E, the OC, whose missus, the aforementioned former Airtrafficker was on duty in the tower when our heroes reduced a Mk7 to component form just outside the fence.

Pat Braim was the Airtrooper who dowsed the Scout in avtur, yet the bloke who provided both the means of ignition, and the immortal line "Avtur doesn't burn" was a REME airtech called Bill Botachi. Pat left the Corps and returned to his native Hull, whereupon he joined the Humberside Fire Brigade, while Bill went on to a distinguished career, retiring as a WO1 ASM, I believe.

Then there was the AAC attached subbie with an infantry Bn near Celle who hatched a plan more cunning.............
New young officer to the Bn. On his interview with the Bn 2IC was convinced that while the Bn was on exercise he would have to go on a recce of the Active Edge deployment areas and a Gazelle had been booked for his use. As a side issue his peers briefed that the flower pots outside the mess were full of East German soil and if he was up for it he could persuade the Gazelle crew to cross the border while on the recce and he could have it away with a fist full of soil to join the rest and then he would be a true member of the Bn.
The fateful day dawns and when he is picked up a solemn briefing is given by the crew of the Gazelle on what has to happen if there is any compromise as they are going closer to the border than is really sensible.
An hour into the sortie and the young subbie plucks up the courage to ask the crew whether they can nip over the IGB to give him the chance to grab his soil. As you can imagine, much persuasion was required with the attendant crates to be delivered to Hildeshiem asap before the crew agreed to the crazy proposal.
The border was approached, a check in each direction and the crew decide all is well and a dirty dash is in order.
On the ground on the east side and subbie has the door open and is leaning out to grab his soil when, horror of horrors, an Eastie helicopter appears at pace and forces the Gazelle to stay on the ground. Not long after a Kubelwagen appears with East German Border Guards and starts to threaten the aircraft while it is still running but unable to take off because of the other helo.
On turning to the Subbie the aircrewman sees him eating the paper as briefed if compromised that held the IFF codes with a horrified look on his face as the Subbie realises the impending doom.
Being unable to take off the crew were forced to shut down the Gazelle and briefed the Subbie to comply with any direction as they were all severely in the s*i*!
The aircraft shut down, all three occupants were forced by the Border Guards to exit the aircraft, lie down on the floor with their arms stretched out and the Subbie was bound and blindfold.
At this point the crew stood up, suppressed a giggle and waved goodbye to the bound and blindfold Subbie.
Said Subbie spent 24 hours being held and interrogated by 'Soviet interrogators' in the cellars of Celle camp before being frogmarched, again bound and hooded, to the steps of the officers mess whereupon his hood was removed and the 2IC was stood with his mess dress and the regiments officers to welcome him to his first mess function as he was Mr Vice.
For the record, the border/wall was the training facility near Celle (well he never had a clue where he was anyway), the Eastie helo was a BO105 from the Bundeswehr and the Kubelwagen and Border Guards were the local West German Bn in the borrowed training equipment that used to be used.
A good evening was had in the mess as the crew had a very enjoyable evening joining the rest of the Bn Offrs and main players for many a beer. The sad part; the Subbie never paid his debt for going over the border anyway :} and young Mallett never coughed up his beers for organising it either!:bored:

"AJ" Smith once pf AAC fame but Puma Flt Lt last time I saw him tells a cracking tale of about a Scout landing on a ridge in Hong Kong cos pilot needs a leak. Collective locked down etc pilot jumps out and goes down hillside for leak whilst gust of wind blows Scout down other side. Passing Scout mate see what he thinks is a crash lands on jumps out and goes to investigate. First mate, now zipped up returns to "his" aircraft and flies back to base where the whole incident slowly unravels.

Nearly pissed myself laughing when he told the story and always wondered, bearing in mind it was AJ after all just how true it was.........anyone confirm or deny it for me :ok:

1977/78 Aldergrove - in those day's Sioux were used to deliver the mail to various places in the city as well as carry out the usual. A certain young one pipe wonder who was so far up his own ar** had decided to try and chat up a few 'female' RMP's in the crew room and promised them a jolly in the Sioux.

Another Sioux pilot hanging about in the crew room whilst this was going on, jumped in and stole the show when the one pip wonder disappeared off to the ops room momentarily. He was really miffed big style and took out his annoyance on all and sundry for the remainder of the day.

The following day we learned that he had arranged another free jolly for a nice looking female and was duly 'briefing her' as a certain person crushed up some 'horse pills' designed to make you sh!T through the eye of a needle. [Issued to a REME who had a serious problem - another story] The powder was mixed into a coffee cup and true to nature this officer barged over to the crew room counter and said "that for me? Thanks" then disappeared slurping with abandon gazing at this thing he was lusting after.

The 'Jolly' never took place simply because an operational task came up but later that day, a Sioux with the engine off and rotors still running down, was seen abandoned on the dispersal. According to folk lore, the engineers refused to clean the seats and the said officer was duly reprimanded for leaving the scene of a crime.

1978 NI on Province Wide [UHF AAC Common]

"hello......any friendly bears out there?"

Pause for a few minutes

"hullo"

"hullo.......post man bear here, is it nice where you are?"

"no, I am a very wet bear and am all steamed up"

"oh....that's not nice is it?"

This sort of Tx/Rx went on reasonably frequently over a week or more until there was a network of "Bears" [this has nothing to do with the 'bear in the air' thing but is related to a children's TV program which was watched by all similar to the Jackanory thingy].

One nice day, "hello, any bears out there want to play?"

"This is a flight safety means and not a general chit chat, report to me on arrival" said the annoyed RQHI

Pause

"He's not a friendly bear is he....[giggles from various sources transmitted incessantly for 15 minutes or more]"

"Hello, is Angry Bear out there, do you want to come out to play? It's nice where we are."

This took place a number of times over the following months but less frequently and resurfaced many many years later, carried on by another generation......................"Any friendly bears out there?"

Aldertraz 79
2 'Tired and Emotional' Atprs climb up the rubber Gym and paint '662 Rule' on the top, thinking it would only be seen from the air. Next morning all jnrs to report to the RSM at the Gym, 'How the hell did they see it so quick' asked one, only to look up and see his handiwork from the inside.
luckily Atpr Hooper was never caught:8

Yes the Green Howards RSM really got p*ssed off with Atpr Hooper signing out and not signing back in again. He told the CSM "punchy" Brian Pr**s*l* that if it happened again he'd take it to HQNI. The CSM issued an obituary of Hooper that night on orders and left no one in any doubt that Hooper was not to appear again.


Next morning the RSM was on the phone again complaining that one of the AAC men had not returned to camp. When Brian asked "is it Atpr Hooper?" the RSM said "no not this time, it's someone called Aircrewman Newman"

SL wakes up wondering why his portakabin is all orange on the inside and is then reminded he used a smoke flare to empty it of partygoers the night before. How on earth a DCM did not follow is beyond me.

"AJ" Smith once pf AAC fame but Puma Flt Lt last time I saw him"

Back with us again now a RQHI.