Rules of Engagement
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
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Rules of Engagement
The Rockall Times
Blair issues Iraq combat instructions - There will be no war, explains PM.
by Geoff Pattison
President Tony "Winston" Blair will later today confirm that there is unlikely to be a war with Iraq. Or if there is that British troops are unlikely to be involved. Or if they are involved, they are unlikely to be killed. Or if there are killed, that there are unlikely to be many of them. Or if a lot are killed, then it is unlikely anyone really important will be involved.
"Just in case a war does take place," said Blair speaking from behind the gates of Downing Street, "my War Cabinet will be issuing a set of guidelines to each soldier likely to be in contact with forces from another country — to call them the enemy would, I think, be too provocative."
The guidelines, produced at a cost of only 76p per household per day, give detailed instructions on how best to deal with armies from countries who may not be as friendly as we are, without laying oneself open to charges of racism, aggression, intolerance of the beliefs of others, xenophobia or unreasonable behaviour of any kind. "After all," added Blur, "we're British."
The 890 pages of Official Guidelines for Approaching Someone in an Unlikely War are summarised below:
When encountering someone who looks as though they may be foreign, greet them cheerily and ask if they are British. [Note that if they do turn out to be British, then this enquiry will result in a court martial for racism.]
If they do not reply, or reply in the negative, repeat the enquiry twice more to give them every chance to correct any mistake.
Offer them political asylum. [A set of benefit books, taxi routes and legal aid claim forms must be carried by all soldiers at all times to avoid any inconvenience to potential refugees.]
If fired on, say in a loud voice "Come on now, is that any way to behave?"
Use only reasonable force in the face of attack — that is, just enough force to avoid being killed too badly.
On no account must the attacker be more injured than the defender.
Do not use your rifle.
Keep a stiff upper lip and remember what you're fighting for.
If anyone does happen to know what they're fighting for, please inform your commander who will immediately relay it to the government.
A patriotic post-script by Deputy Puppet Master John Prescott is included on the back of the guidelines with instructions encouraging it be cut out neatly and framed to provide morale. It reads: "Be certainly to therefore, and I say unto you, may the good likely next to incredulous. Your government will undoubtedly everything for suchlike, and so think on!"
Blair issues Iraq combat instructions - There will be no war, explains PM.
by Geoff Pattison
President Tony "Winston" Blair will later today confirm that there is unlikely to be a war with Iraq. Or if there is that British troops are unlikely to be involved. Or if they are involved, they are unlikely to be killed. Or if there are killed, that there are unlikely to be many of them. Or if a lot are killed, then it is unlikely anyone really important will be involved.
"Just in case a war does take place," said Blair speaking from behind the gates of Downing Street, "my War Cabinet will be issuing a set of guidelines to each soldier likely to be in contact with forces from another country — to call them the enemy would, I think, be too provocative."
The guidelines, produced at a cost of only 76p per household per day, give detailed instructions on how best to deal with armies from countries who may not be as friendly as we are, without laying oneself open to charges of racism, aggression, intolerance of the beliefs of others, xenophobia or unreasonable behaviour of any kind. "After all," added Blur, "we're British."
The 890 pages of Official Guidelines for Approaching Someone in an Unlikely War are summarised below:
When encountering someone who looks as though they may be foreign, greet them cheerily and ask if they are British. [Note that if they do turn out to be British, then this enquiry will result in a court martial for racism.]
If they do not reply, or reply in the negative, repeat the enquiry twice more to give them every chance to correct any mistake.
Offer them political asylum. [A set of benefit books, taxi routes and legal aid claim forms must be carried by all soldiers at all times to avoid any inconvenience to potential refugees.]
If fired on, say in a loud voice "Come on now, is that any way to behave?"
Use only reasonable force in the face of attack — that is, just enough force to avoid being killed too badly.
On no account must the attacker be more injured than the defender.
Do not use your rifle.
Keep a stiff upper lip and remember what you're fighting for.
If anyone does happen to know what they're fighting for, please inform your commander who will immediately relay it to the government.
A patriotic post-script by Deputy Puppet Master John Prescott is included on the back of the guidelines with instructions encouraging it be cut out neatly and framed to provide morale. It reads: "Be certainly to therefore, and I say unto you, may the good likely next to incredulous. Your government will undoubtedly everything for suchlike, and so think on!"
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Alternative ROE
These ROE are doing the rounds courtesy of our airborne meat head brethren:
'UK Para Regt eyes only'
Guidance for letting rip for airborne personnel authorised to be tooled up and looking well hard with more weapons and ammo than you can shake a stick at.
General Guidance:
1. These ROE do not affect your general right to be well hard and kick off. However, in all situations you are to use MFV (Max F'ing Violence).
FIREARMS MUST BE USED IF A SEVERE KICKING DOESN'T GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS.
2. Your weapon will always be of the largest calibre available. That is, the rifle 5.56 is OK, the General (GPMG) is definitely the business and as for the 50 cal - enough said. In the case of automatic weapons, belt ammo is well ally.
CHALLENGING
3. Warn the individual he is about to get the good news unless:
a. He was asking for it anyway
or
b. To do so would make you look like a puff in front of your mates.
4. You are to challenge by shouting - 'OI YA HAT B!!!!!D, GET SOME OF THIS!' or words to that effect.
USE OF LETHAL FORCE
5. You may brass the f!!!!r up if he or she is about to p$ss you off or commit an act likely to make yourself and the rest of the Reg look not as hard as you should be.
OPENING FIRE
6. When you open fire you are to:
a. Brass up the entire area, and
b. Get the general up as quickly as possible and give it big licks, and
c. Look well tasty throughout.
PROTECTION OF PROPERTY
7. If it looks Gucci and shiny, nick it!
Purile, i know, but it bought me much mirth on a dull day!
'UK Para Regt eyes only'
Guidance for letting rip for airborne personnel authorised to be tooled up and looking well hard with more weapons and ammo than you can shake a stick at.
General Guidance:
1. These ROE do not affect your general right to be well hard and kick off. However, in all situations you are to use MFV (Max F'ing Violence).
FIREARMS MUST BE USED IF A SEVERE KICKING DOESN'T GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS.
2. Your weapon will always be of the largest calibre available. That is, the rifle 5.56 is OK, the General (GPMG) is definitely the business and as for the 50 cal - enough said. In the case of automatic weapons, belt ammo is well ally.
CHALLENGING
3. Warn the individual he is about to get the good news unless:
a. He was asking for it anyway
or
b. To do so would make you look like a puff in front of your mates.
4. You are to challenge by shouting - 'OI YA HAT B!!!!!D, GET SOME OF THIS!' or words to that effect.
USE OF LETHAL FORCE
5. You may brass the f!!!!r up if he or she is about to p$ss you off or commit an act likely to make yourself and the rest of the Reg look not as hard as you should be.
OPENING FIRE
6. When you open fire you are to:
a. Brass up the entire area, and
b. Get the general up as quickly as possible and give it big licks, and
c. Look well tasty throughout.
PROTECTION OF PROPERTY
7. If it looks Gucci and shiny, nick it!
Purile, i know, but it bought me much mirth on a dull day!
Last edited by ADUX; 2nd Feb 2003 at 18:51.
In today's world, peace operations are normally conducted by a coalition of forces operating under the purview of the UN charter and customary international law.
Hence, certain restraints may be mandated by the UN.
Using overwhelming force could compromise diplomatic efforts to reach a peaceful settlement.
Even a single, relatively small engagement could jeopardize the legitimacy of the peacekeeping force and upset negotiations or mediations.
The lesson for commanders is that, in any confrontation, ROE decisions made by soldiers can have strategic, political implications on current and future operations. Therefore, it is vital that leaders and soldiers hold a common understanding of when, how, and to what degree force is to be used.
Oh, Lordy! Trooper Bloggs is in the proverbial fecal matter now! Shoot one too many of the Taliban, AQ's, or Iraqi Rebublican Guard (how does that confuse the issue for the US Republican party?)and ol' Bloggsy could undo the whole diplomatic effort of the Un in dealing with S. Hussein, et al.
Reckon Hershey bars and stockings might be as successful in resolving our national differences as it was in Blighty 60 odd years ago?
What happened to the tried and true method of "Just kill'em all and let God sort'em out!" method?
Hence, certain restraints may be mandated by the UN.
Using overwhelming force could compromise diplomatic efforts to reach a peaceful settlement.
Even a single, relatively small engagement could jeopardize the legitimacy of the peacekeeping force and upset negotiations or mediations.
The lesson for commanders is that, in any confrontation, ROE decisions made by soldiers can have strategic, political implications on current and future operations. Therefore, it is vital that leaders and soldiers hold a common understanding of when, how, and to what degree force is to be used.
Oh, Lordy! Trooper Bloggs is in the proverbial fecal matter now! Shoot one too many of the Taliban, AQ's, or Iraqi Rebublican Guard (how does that confuse the issue for the US Republican party?)and ol' Bloggsy could undo the whole diplomatic effort of the Un in dealing with S. Hussein, et al.
Reckon Hershey bars and stockings might be as successful in resolving our national differences as it was in Blighty 60 odd years ago?
What happened to the tried and true method of "Just kill'em all and let God sort'em out!" method?
