In Country Threat Levels
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 102
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
In Country Threat Levels
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE [Mods please feel free to moveto JB if deemed apropriate]
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate.." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled.." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate.." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled.." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: in the magical land of beer and chocolates
Age: 52
Posts: 506
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
The Americans have in the meantime gone from the lowest level , IAE imminent attack expected to level 2 aka OTBOMW on the brink of mayor war.
Next up they have 2 more levels , FSNW full scale nuclear war and if all else fails there only remains level JD or Judgement Day.
The Russians on the other hand went from level 1, no danger whatsoever but lets bomb some random neighbouring country anyway to level 2 still no real danger but lets do some more bombing and also get some tanks involved to level 3 Looting plundering and raping all round.
Next up they have 2 more levels , FSNW full scale nuclear war and if all else fails there only remains level JD or Judgement Day.
The Russians on the other hand went from level 1, no danger whatsoever but lets bomb some random neighbouring country anyway to level 2 still no real danger but lets do some more bombing and also get some tanks involved to level 3 Looting plundering and raping all round.
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Horsham, England, UK. ---o--O--o---
Posts: 1,185
Received 4 Likes
on
2 Posts
2 aka OTBOMW on the brink of mayor war.
and the American Alert Levels are
1 Nuke everyone!
2 Presidential Election Year, send in the Marines
3 Invade an Ally
4 Turn up late
5 Ignore it, it doesn't affect the price of Oil
New Zealand has elevated it's threat level from "baaaah!" to "BAAAAAAH!!"
The two levels above this are "doing the Haka" and Begging the Aussies to Save Us.
(this came from a Kiwi)
1 Nuke everyone!
2 Presidential Election Year, send in the Marines
3 Invade an Ally
4 Turn up late
5 Ignore it, it doesn't affect the price of Oil
New Zealand has elevated it's threat level from "baaaah!" to "BAAAAAAH!!"
The two levels above this are "doing the Haka" and Begging the Aussies to Save Us.
(this came from a Kiwi)
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: in the magical land of beer and chocolates
Age: 52
Posts: 506
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
You people are dispicable, stereotyping every nation like that, anyway not that I really care anyway, as long as they don't pull the NATO headquarters out of Brussels while I'm having my holiday.
Just another erk
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 77
Posts: 280
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
kbrockman:
Does that mean Belgium closed again.
anyway not that I really care anyway, as long as they don't pull the NATO headquarters out of Brussels while I'm having my holiday.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
And for those that have not experienced a Belgian holiday - it is CLOSED.
After failing to cross check our organiser had a conference during such a holiday. It was certainly shut except for a florist so you could buy flowers to visit the cemetary. Petrol stations and shops were all closed. Only in the evening when they got thirsty did the bars open.
After failing to cross check our organiser had a conference during such a holiday. It was certainly shut except for a florist so you could buy flowers to visit the cemetary. Petrol stations and shops were all closed. Only in the evening when they got thirsty did the bars open.
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: in the magical land of beer and chocolates
Age: 52
Posts: 506
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Does that mean Belgium closed again.
Speaking of holidays, you being from GIRMINEE, contrary to you guys the world doesn't tremble in fear when we Belgians talk about going on organized group vacations outside of our own borders.
It was certainly shut except for a florist so you could buy flowers to visit the cemetary. Petrol stations and shops were all closed. Only in the evening when they got thirsty did the bars open.
Just another erk
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 77
Posts: 280
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
kbrockman:
It does give a different meaning to "Tank up before you leave" though
kb I'm English
Speaking of holidays, you being from GIRMINEE, contrary to you guys the world doesn't tremble in fear when we Belgians talk about going on organized group vacations outside of our own borders.
kb I'm English
