Life in the Airforce - how is it really?

[El Mirador]

Hello Jolly Tar once more!
It's Mrs El Mirador here again.
You come across as a very competent young lady but I would say from your last post that marriage full stop is not for you just yet. You are young and have a lifetime of (by the sound of it) pretty grim experiences. I think that if you want to avoid emotional rollercoasters, then marriage, kids, sticking your head out of the front door and watching the news are going to have to be ruled out. Regardless of job, marriage isn't always flowers around the door.
I appreciate the innocence in which you find killing a person abhorrant but life is riddled with the oddest of paradoxes!
Greatest one is people who are so against animal testing but have a pet!!!
The drugs, fleasprays, food etc. that they give to poochykins have at one time been tested on another animal!
I digress but my point is there is always a much wider picture.
Stay as you are and you can maybe support your fiance in the pursuit of his dreams. You will know when it's time to bow out or go further.
You seem frightened about the future fullstop. Given your past, that's not suprising but the future happens and closing yourself off to any potential situation that will cause negativity, is impossible.
Have a really good talk with your boyfriend!

[Brain Potter]

Jolly Tar,

There is no typical 'model' of life in the RAF that can be applied across the whole service. The only experience that wives can be certain of sharing is that of coping with the deployment of their husbands on operations.

Forget about all this coffee morning and flower-arranging nonsense. The progress of your husband's career would not depend your participation in social and pastoral activities. However, your marriage and his career might become mutually exclusive if you cannot understand and provide support for him when he deploys on operations.

By saying:

the idea of taking someone elses life, no matter what they have done absolutely disgusts me - I believe that noone has the right to take another human life as we are not the ones to judge another person to the point of taking their life

This is a clear statement that your moral values are based on pacifism. As you say, the principle tenet of this philosophy is that the idea of taking human life is as morally wrong as the act of doing so. Such beliefs are rare but are properly recognized by British society, which in it's hour of greatest peril did not expect persons with such deep convictions to wear uniform, even in non-combatant roles.

By contemplating a career in the RAF your future husband has indicated that he is comfortable with the idea of taking human life for the greater good, highlighting the fact that you and he do not share the same moral values. Maybe this episode has revealed a fundamental incompatibility in your shared morality-base that would surely present problems in your relationship, even if he chooses not to pursue a career in HM Forces.

Best of luck to both of you with your decisions.

[Biggus]

Jolly Tar,

I'm not sure why you bothered to post here. From the very beginning it would appear you already know the answer - that being a military wife is almost certainly not for you (if of course, and thats a big if, your fiance is accepted into the RAF).

In your very first post you say....

'To say that I am less than enthusiastic is an understatement......'

'I wont be moving to a base (that I point blank refuse - I like my independence in my own home far too much) .....'

'hopefully I have secured a dream job that will keep my in my current location....'

'From what I've read, it sounds like I'll be signing up for an utterly miserable existence.........'

So, while your fiance joins, and moves around for the next 5 odd years as a minimum doing his flying training you will stay in your own location, and not socialise with any of his work colleages - so what are you contributing to your relationship? And if he continues to move every 3-4 years?

Then there is the, significant, discussion later in this thread about your own moral feelings (which you are perfectly entitled to) about the use of miltary force. Most people (thankfully) don't join the military for the chance to take someones else's life - but for all of us it a possibility we must face, and be able to live with. One of the current catchphrases in the RAF is...'warfighter first, (insert specialization) second'... and there is very much an emphasis on military skills for all, from chef to front line soldier. Most people in the miltary may still serve an entire career without recourse to using military force, but the possibility exists for all, more so these days ....

At the end of the day you sound totally incompatible for any association with the military. While that doesn't necessarily doom any future life as a military wife you are starting from a less than ideal position, and nothing you say implies you are 'up' for the challenge, fully ready to give it a go, if anything the opposite.

So once again I would question why you posted (which of course you are perfectly entitled to do). Are you just seeking conformation of a decision you have already reached?

[Occasional Aviator]

Jolly,

welcome to the forum. I think Biggus is being somewhat harsh on you. You have legitimate doubts and it is a very good idea to get some advice. I am currently going through a gut-wrenching separation, with the pricipal reason my wife has given me is that she just didn't know what it meant to be a military wife.
At the end of the day, the military effectively makes absolutely no allowance for partners' aspirations, careers etc unless they fit in with the lifestyle forced on you. That's not to say that people don't make it work, but it is tough. Really tough. And that's both of you. I can't describe the feeling I had when I was sent on ops at very short notice for 6 months - leaving my wife not knowing where I was or where I would be posted when I came back. Nearly three years later, I'm still being 'blamed' for this, and Mrs OA is traumatised enough that she can't listen to the news on the radio any more when casualties overseas are announced, after waving me off three times in two years to places she was convinced I'd return from in a box. As for support, we were not living on the married patch and my last det was not with a formed unit - so she didn't even get a phone call from anyone in the RAF all the time I was away. Even now I'm in a settled desk job, she doesn't see me during the week as I'm a weekly commuter and she still can't believe that I won't be sent away and 'abandon' her again. It's also not easy being in a less-than-private phone booth in an operational theatre watching your 20-minute weekly call allowance tick away while you listen to desparate sobs or angry silence. I'm not selling this very well, but I would say that from what you have posted, if there's doubt in your mind now you have a real risk of ending up bitter and hurt. That said, people in much worse situations than me make it work. TALK to your fiance, talk long and hard and find out what really matters.

[L J R]

Spot on OA....

[jolly tar]

Well, I think that this thread has run its course now. Its down to us two to decide how its going to work, and if it can.

Time will tell I suppose.

Thank you all for your contributions - each one provoked debate and caused me to think further.