Last Airman

[Beeayeate]

This was a contribution to the RAF News by ex-W/O Harry Heywood and was also printed in the RAFBEA Newsletter No 2 in March 1994! A parody on the Service manpower cuts proposed by the then government. Still apt today?

Maybe someone would like to take the time and update it to reflect the couple or three stations that are left.


I'm the last man left in the Air Force
In my office inside MoD
I've a copy of Queen's Regulations
Applicable only to ME
I can post myself to St Mawgan
Detatch me from there to Kinloss
Or send me on courses to Cosford
Then cancel the lot - I'm the Boss!

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
I suppose you imagine that's great
To be master of all you survey, chum
But I tell you, it's difficult mate
I inspected three stations last Thursday
As C-in-C (Acting) of Strike
Then I cleaned out the bogs at Brize Norton
And repaired Saxa Vord's bike.

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
My wife says I'm never at home
When I'm not flying kites I'm at Manston
Laying gallons and gallons of foam
Or I'm in my marine craft off Plymouth
Shooting flares at the crowds on the Hoe
Or I'm Orderly Sergeant at Valley
It's an interesting life - but all go!

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
When not AOC to the Queen
I'm Red Arrows Leader at Scampton
I'm the OCS Silent Drill Team
Tomorrow, I'm painting the guardroom
And Air-Testing several planes
The day after that I'm in London
Where I'm Chaplin of Clement St Danes

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
But I'll be pensioned off before long
There's been no talk of replacement
And I can't justify signing on
I hope to enjoy my retirement
I've put up a pretty good show
But I won't cut myself off entirely -
There are always reunions you know.

[BEagle]

That vesion is actually a plagiarised version of the original written in around 1975 following yet more cuts...

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
I've an office in MoD
And a copy of Queen's Regulations
Which only apply to me
I can post myself to Leuchars
And detach me from there to Kinloss
Or send me on courses to MOTU
Then cancel the lot - I'm the boss

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
But the great parliamentary brains
Omitted, when cancelling people
To sell off the Stations and Planes
The result is my inventory bulges
With KD and camp-stools and Quarters
Plus a signed book of verses by Trenchard
Which I keep for impressing reporters

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
I suppose you imagine it's great
To be master of all you survey, but
I tell you it's difficult, mate
I inspected three units last Thursday
As c-in-C (Acting) of Strike,
Then I swept half the runway at Laarbruch
And repaired Saxa Vord's station bike

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
It's not doing a lot for my health
Station Sports Days are frankly exhausting
When the Victor Ludorum's oneself
On guest nights the mess is so lonely
There are times I wish I was able
To pass the port to the chap on my left
Without seeing it fall off the table

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
It's quiet - but, that apart
There are plenty worse off, for example
The Only Sea Lord, for a start
He was called out last Wednesday evening
(Joint Ops with the Army, my oath)
But their rowing boat sank in the Channel
Which obliged me to rescue them both

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
My wife says I'm never at home
When I'm not flying Hercs, I'm at Manston
Laying gallons and gallons of foam
Or I'm in my marine craft off Plymouth
Shooting flares at the crowds on the Ho
Or I'm Orderly Corporal at Luqa
It's an interesting life, but all go

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
I'm ADC to the Queen
I'm Duty Clerk at St Mawgan
I'm the RAF Rugby Team
Tomorrow I'm planning a guardroom
And air-testing several planes
The day after that I'm for London
To preach at St Clement Danes

I'm the last man left in the Air Force
And I'm due to go out before long
There's been no talk of my replacement
And I won't even let me sign on
I hope to enjoy my retirement
I've put up a fairly good show
And I won't cut myself off entirely
There are always reunions, you know.


Since then, of course, there is no MOTU, KD, camp-stools, Laarbruch, station bikes, Station Sports Days, Manston, foam-laying, marinecraft branch, Luqa......

Interesting to note that in the year I joined the RAF, people were bemoaning the fact that it had been drastically cut to a mere 120 000 strong with around 2000 aircraft - down from the post WW2 peak of 6338 ac in July 1952.

[RCOV 2 ENG]

I think you'll find there are still plenty "Station Bikes" around!

nuff said

minzastella ( and a mince pie )

Merry Crimbo

[BEagle]

OK - station bikes with wheels then.

I gets your drift!

[Gainesy]

Not sure if its true, but someone once told me that the ode was penned by one SAC(W) Pam Ayres in the mid 70s. It certainly scans like her stuff.

[MikeTells]

I shudder to think what "camp-stools" are.

[Splash Coxswain]

56000 Bomber Command aircrew killed in WW2; God Bless 'Em!

41000 RAF strength (hardly) in 2008!