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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 6th Mar 2020, 15:32
  #101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
Well, as it is Friday.....

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

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Old 6th Mar 2020, 15:41
  #102 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: London
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 00:59
  #103 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: USVI
Posts: 107
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."

ahhhh...now "Commonwealth Games" makes far more sense, thanks!

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Old 7th Mar 2020, 01:18
  #104 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Not where I want to be
Age: 66
Posts: 247
Originally Posted by Hydromet View Post
Cashash, I'd love to know if the story about the bloke who used it to treat crabs was true.
True story.
Newly arrived greaser caught the crabs. Too embarrassed to see the Chief Officer for powder. Suggested to use Oil and Grease Remover, fairly benign stuff, for half an hour. Greaser couldn't find that, found Carbon Remover, applied to family jewels for one hour to make sure.
Removed crabs OK, and skin on applied areas. Stayed in bunk for weeks to heal.
Used to throw him some porn mags just to hear him scream.
Per

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Old 7th Mar 2020, 02:13
  #105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,303
looked up once to check for a leak and got a drop in my mouth. Took two mini bottles of scotch to finally breathe again. Got it on a video tape somewhere in my files.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 05:52
  #106 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 533
An old bloke I worked with told me that he once - only once - used kerosene to get rid of them. pretty bad, but probably not as bad as skydrol.

We had them on the toilet seat, but we pissed them off.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 06:07
  #107 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 727
Nothing worse than an angry crab.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 10:20
  #108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
Age: 68
Posts: 535
Old bush remedy for crabs - take a razor, matches, some kerosene and a claw hammer.
Shave the right half of your scrotum, rub kerosene into the left half.
Uses matches to ignite the left half and when the b...rds run out of the burning shrubbery into the clearing, kill'em with the claw hammer.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 15:10
  #109 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Northampton
Posts: 514
UK Virus ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 16:34
  #110 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 1999
Location: UK
Age: 73
Posts: 596
It was reported that the tanks of one of the nations listed by rogerg had 6-gear transmission systems - 5 reverse gears and one forward gear in case the enemy attacked from behind.

In order to avoid accusations of libel my lawyer (Alessandro Avvocato) has recommended that I don't specify which nation I'm referring to.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 17:16
  #111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 14
I was on ebay the other day looking for WWII items - there were some weapons made by that nation for sale and the item description said; Unused, never fired, in perfect condition, only dropped once.
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 15:06
  #112 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 15:13
  #113 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 16:56
  #114 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 3,879
John Travolta has been hospitalisted with Covid19. But the doctors have confirmed it was only Saturday Night Fever and he was Staying Alive
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 15:49
  #115 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
Due to panic buying Aldi have announced they are going to open till 3
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 17:18
  #116 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 3,879
New 2020 GOLF TERMINOLOGY:
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Philip Schofield - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
A Rodney King - overclubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An Elephant's arse - high and shitty
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from this advice.
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 19:12
  #117 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
Golf. Shagging your sister. Your not proud of it but it's up there.
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 21:22
  #118 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 73
Posts: 1,243
Golf. So called because "F*ck it!" was already taken...
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 08:47
  #119 (permalink)  
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 15:53
  #120 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,611
Seen written in the dust on the back of a van: "No toilet rolls stored in this van overnight".
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