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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 14th Mar 2020, 08:20
  #101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 590
If you think the toilet paper & tissue shortage is bad now, wait until they close all the schools and there are millions of teenage boys at home with nothing to do.
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Old 14th Mar 2020, 12:18
  #102 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: uk
Posts: 1,663
With everyone locked down in their own homes and bored out of their minds with TV and U Tube, there will be a baby boom. The resultant children will be known as "coronials".
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Old 14th Mar 2020, 13:13
  #103 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 16
In light of recent panic buying Aussie supermarkets have introduced purchase limits:

Coles: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls
Woolworths: 1 hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls, 2kg rice
IGA: 12 rolls toilet paper. 1kg rice

Aldi: 2 trumpets, 1 diving suit, 1 Mig welder
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Old 15th Mar 2020, 13:06
  #104 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,361
Now I am self-isolating, I've had to start talking to my wife. Apparently, she's been made redundant from Woolworth's.
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Old 15th Mar 2020, 20:10
  #105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,646
Looks like covid has reached Germany, after towels were spotted on hospital beds.
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Old 15th Mar 2020, 22:19
  #106 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
Hear that one about Covid-19?

It went viral.
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Old 16th Mar 2020, 22:47
  #107 (permalink)  
See and avoid
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 516
Expect a boom in podcasts over the next nine months, not babies!

We're way ahead of the curve!

We've been self isolating ever since we got high speed wifi!
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Old 17th Mar 2020, 04:36
  #108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 76
Our stocks crashed, we get <1.0% on any fixed deposits and our Superannuation is stuffed. Fires and floods. And now a virus pandemic. The down turn is hitting everybody really hard! Things couldn’t be much worse judging by this:

1. In NY I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

2. Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 US Congressmen.

3. If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

4. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

5. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

6. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her.

7. A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria.

8. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

9. The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally; I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old 17th Mar 2020, 15:27
  #109 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 71
Posts: 3,481
10. And the pubs are shut in Ireland on St Patrick's Day!
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Old 19th Mar 2020, 15:49
  #110 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 170

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Old 19th Mar 2020, 16:36
  #111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 70
Posts: 0
Just heard that dealerships may be running into difficulties due to carownervirus.

I'm here all week.
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Old 19th Mar 2020, 21:19
  #112 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5,036
My local joke shop had a sign.

Only One Grey Wig per Customer.
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Old 20th Mar 2020, 13:31
  #113 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
In my local supermarket I saw a chap with a trolley full of sanitisers, toilet rolls, wipes, etc. I had a real go at him, called him a selfish [email protected], you should be ashamed of yourself, you're depriving others, old people and so on.
He replied. "That's alright mate, I work here and just filling the shelves."
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:12
  #114 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there
He's NEVER there, not e'en belated
He's in a fridge, self-isolated.
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:13
  #115 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house.
All that cold, cold, wet day.
Because neither of our parents was on the key worker list.

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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:13
  #116 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
"Romeo, Romeo - wherefore art thy hand sanitiser?"
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:17
  #117 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am!
Do you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.

But that's all that was left in Sainsburys
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:18
  #118 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of toilet rolls...
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:31
  #119 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Mostly South of England
Posts: 35
Someone's in a brown study.
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Old 21st Mar 2020, 10:37
  #120 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 659
Can it please
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