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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 13th Jun 2020, 16:01
  #461 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
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Two nuns in the bath.

Nun 1. Where's the soap?

Nun 2 Yes it does, doesn't it!

Too much?

​​​​​​​CG
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Old 13th Jun 2020, 21:08
  #462 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
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Bloke runs into a pub...

"How tall is a Penguin???"

"About 18 inches", says the Barman.

"Oh Bo11ox, I've just vomitted over a Nun"
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Old 17th Jun 2020, 22:16
  #463 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
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Wasn't sure whether to post this here on in UK Politics


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Old 19th Jun 2020, 06:57
  #464 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Australia
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Old 19th Jun 2020, 17:17
  #465 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: uk
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A Psalm for Our Time

1. I have dwelt long in the house of lockdown: I have enclosed myself in the habitation of Netflix and groaning.


2. They have set me my bounds which I shall not pass: I keep the statutes and observe the laws.

3. I entered into the supermarket, but it was barren: its plenty was turned into empty shelves, and there was no toilet paper in it.

4. Neither were there delivery slots by day nor by night: verily, not even from Ocado.

5. Deliver us from the wilderness of delivery: and deliver our deliveries unto us.

6. I am become a stranger unto the pub, and unto the office: even an alien unto Pizza Express.

7. The sun ariseth, and I go forth to work and to my labour: even in my pyjamas until the evening.

8. I am weary of Zoom, my throat is dry: it melteth away like wax as my broadband vanisheth.

9. Yet they gape upon me with their mouths and say: thy toddler sitteth lurking in the corner of the screen, and lo he imagineth mischief.

10. And thou, oh daughter of lockdown: thou shalt do thy phonics in exile.

11. Also thy literacy and numeracy work, and thy comprehension: yea verily, even thy fronted adverbials.

12. They have sprayed markers for my feet: they have set a place for me on the pavement outside Tesco Metro.

13. The unrighteous forget their social distancing: I swerve from their transgressions.

14. The people rebuke each other: and bear in their bosoms the rebukes of many people. 15. A mask hath covered my face and I wash my hands: neither have I found any hand sanitiser to comfort me.

16. The pestilence layeth siege against me: according to the cleanness of my hands shall I be recompensed.

17. Clap your hands, all ye neighbours: clap in the front gardens and on the doorsteps.

18. Make a thankful noise, for it is Thursday: clap your hands and bang the pots; bang the mighty pan from the stove, the frying pan from the draining board, and the little pan from under the sink.

19. Rejoice, for thou hast booked a delivery: a weekly slot even unto the end of June.

20. Surely plenteousness shall be in thy house: goodness shall follow thee, at a two metre distance, all the days of thy life.

21. Our garners shall be full: and Netflix shall bring forth thousands and ten thousands of new episodes for evermore.

22. Arise! Yea verily for the lockdown easeth: gird thy face with apparel and go into the city. 23. Rejoice in the fruitful offices, all ye who were furloughed: but thy going out and thy coming in shall not be on public transport.

24. Rest ye alert by day, and alert by night: and the pillars shall deliver ye out of the wilderness.

25. Judgement and remembrance shall be thine heritage: and ye shall dwell in the house of austerity .
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Old 22nd Jun 2020, 17:14
  #466 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: on the ground
Posts: 298

(Actually a children's book cover)
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Old 23rd Jun 2020, 00:21
  #467 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Japan
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A Buddhist approaches an alternative hot dog vendor.

"Make me one with everything."
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Old 23rd Jun 2020, 07:00
  #468 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Pewsey, UK
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Originally Posted by jolihokistix View Post
A Buddhist approaches an alternative hot dog vendor.

"Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist pays, and waits patiently. When the vendor asks what's up, the Buddhist says "Could I have my change please?" the vendor replies "Change comes from within".
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Old 23rd Jun 2020, 08:35
  #469 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
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Hippy walks into a San Francisco coffee shop and orders cake. "Cake's all gone, man" says the waiter. "Crazy, I'll have 2 pieces".
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Old 23rd Jun 2020, 13:49
  #470 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
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A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a shovel. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a shovel, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the shovel and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The old lion says ...

"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

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Old 25th Jun 2020, 21:11
  #471 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
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/Yorkshire accent on/

Bloke in Barnsley with piles asks chemist:
"Nah then lad. Does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies:
"Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

/Yorkshire accent off/
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Old 25th Jun 2020, 21:58
  #472 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 349
Still in Yorkshire...

Visitor to Vet: My cat is ill.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Visitor: No, I brung it wi' me.
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Old 28th Jun 2020, 00:56
  #473 (permalink)  
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Swimming pools are opening again in Essex. To comply they are only filling lanes one, three, and five.
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Old 28th Jun 2020, 17:50
  #474 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
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A post from last year...


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Old 30th Jun 2020, 20:43
  #475 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: at the edge of the alps
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Why does the three-year old child of the anti-vaccination activist cry?
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Midlife crisis.
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Old 1st Jul 2020, 15:37
  #476 (permalink)  
 
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Old 1st Jul 2020, 23:12
  #477 (permalink)  
 
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Old 2nd Jul 2020, 13:10
  #478 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Florida
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Old 3rd Jul 2020, 12:55
  #479 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Earth
Posts: 495
Some of you will get this...


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Old 3rd Jul 2020, 13:10
  #480 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Oil Capital of Central Scotland
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Scotty [not the man in the pic] - the only man to beam down & back in red in the original series.

BIng Hitler [aka Craig Ferguson] used t have a good bit on security men & star trek
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