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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 31st Dec 2020, 15:35
  #401 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 356
I'm reminded of the safety-conscious French steeplejack, M. de Rigeur.
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Old 1st Jan 2021, 15:32
  #402 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 23
A middle-aged married couple longed for the warmth in the middle of a cold winter and decided to travel to Florida and stay at the hotel where they had spent their wedding night 20 years earlier.
The husband had a longer vacation and left the day before. Upon checking in at reception, he discovered there was a computer in the room and decided to email his wife. Unfortunately, he got one letter wrong. In this way, the e-mail was sent to the pastor's widow, who had just returned home from her husband's funeral and wanted to check if there were any condolences from family and friends in the e-mail. Her son found her fainting in front of the computer, read on the screen:

To: My beloved wife.
Subject: I'm already there.
Body: I know you are surprised to hear from me. Now they have computers here and you can send e-mails to your loved ones. Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to meeting you. Hope your trip is as smooth as mine.
PS: It's really hot in here !!
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Old 1st Jan 2021, 15:33
  #403 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 23
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucci, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye.

“My wife is from Sicily.”
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Old 3rd Jan 2021, 16:09
  #404 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cayley's County - Yorkshire
Posts: 133
Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a busy hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the staff with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.

Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said “I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll ?"

"Good question," noted the ward manager. "We save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible".

"Oh," replied Hancock ,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?

"Ah, yes," replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her. We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates 1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs.

Hancock was determined to fluster the know-it-all ward manager. So on they went to the next ward.

"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not like wasting, says the ward manager.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

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Old 8th Jan 2021, 06:48
  #405 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a kid.

Man she wanted a daughter!
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Old 8th Jan 2021, 14:48
  #406 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
"Fridays' jokes are always terrible." R Crusoe.
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Old 8th Jan 2021, 17:48
  #407 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,365
Just before the latest lockdown I got invited to a dinner and dance (no less) at the Queens Hotel in Cheltenham but got thrown out because I was wearing an open neck shirt.

Which just goes to show - black ties matter.
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Old 8th Jan 2021, 22:29
  #408 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 597
Bloke sitting in a busy bar, an attractive young lady comes and take a seat next to him. Thinking "Why not?", he offers to buy her a drink. The young lady turns to him, and at the top of her voice says "What? A motel? What sort of girl do you think I am?"
Everyone in the bar turns to look at him. Embarrassed, he takes his drink and slinks over to a seat in the corner, where he tries to be as unobtrusive as possible.
After a few minutes, the girl comes over, sits down and says "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, but I'm a psychology student, and I'm studying the reactions of people in awkward situations. I'd actually be quite flattered to have that drink with you now."

The bloke turns to her and says, loudly, "What? $50!"
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Old 12th Jan 2021, 21:14
  #409 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 171
Just heard a Dr. on TV saying that during this period of isolation while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Prosecco, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!
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Old 13th Jan 2021, 00:55
  #410 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 81
Posts: 4,908
My neighbour spent all day yesterday laying out turf in his front garden. Then last night someone stole it.
He’s back out there now, looking forlorn.
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Old 18th Jan 2021, 17:48
  #411 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: inv
Posts: 321
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming
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Old 18th Jan 2021, 21:07
  #412 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,656
The sperm bank's computers are down, so the receptionist is having to ask if you're coming or going.
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Old 18th Jan 2021, 21:24
  #413 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
The sperm bank's receptionist said to me. "If you were going to make a donation you'd better make a withdrawal now."
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Old 18th Jan 2021, 21:42
  #414 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 7,426
Originally Posted by scr1 View Post
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming
I'd have thought they'd say "thanks, I hope you'll come again soon..."
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Old 19th Jan 2021, 11:05
  #415 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 597
And a baby is nine month's interest on a small deposit.
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Old 22nd Jan 2021, 14:12
  #416 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: North of Watford Gap
Posts: 25
Last time I went to Blackpool I went on a Donkey

Took me 3 months to get there
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Old 22nd Jan 2021, 20:19
  #417 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,656
What do the Donkeys on Blackpool Beach get for dinner?
30 minutes, same as everyone else.
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Old 24th Jan 2021, 10:01
  #418 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,952
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."


Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."


Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

No, said the consultant


It's the Serious Burns Unit
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Old 25th Jan 2021, 13:24
  #419 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by hiflymk3 View Post
The sperm bank's receptionist said to me. "If you were going to make a donation you'd better make a withdrawal now."
Receptionist: Paddy, I thought you were bringing two of your mates this time.
Paddy: That was the plan but one missed the tube, the other came on the bus.
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Old 26th Jan 2021, 15:45
  #420 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: USVI
Posts: 118

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