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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 22nd Oct 2020, 15:50
  #361 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 44
Posts: 13
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I’d ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, “You really are a polite young man. You have such lovely manners and you’re so handsome, too”.
Apparently, it was the complimentary nan.
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Old 26th Oct 2020, 09:17
  #362 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 57
Posts: 20
An old one, but still hold true....

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Old 27th Oct 2020, 03:06
  #363 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Manitoba Canada
Age: 69
Posts: 210
Newfoundland Seal Flipper Recipe

Buy 6 fresh seal flippers at the fishing docks
Simmer them for one hour on low heat
While waiting …. go to the wife’s grocery budget
Remove $14 from the dog food category
Use it to buy a large pizza
Eat the pizza
Give the seal flippers to the dog.
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Old 31st Oct 2020, 04:03
  #364 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Manitoba Canada
Age: 69
Posts: 210
A young Arab passes away and is excited to get to paradise where he is met by the gatekeeper

GATEKEEPER ..... welcome to paradise , we have 3 sections -Jews -Christians -Muslims so choose the one you want
ARAB ................ my Imam promised me 72 virgins would be waiting for me in paradise , so take me to them please
GATEKEEPER .... hmmmm ... are you sure ?? ... it is not what you are expecting .... virgins are hard to find
ARAB ......... never mind the small details , I want my 72 virgins and the feast that was promised to me
GATEKEEPER .... very well , but you will not be able to change your mind afterwards.
ARAB ............. I will take my chances , I am too hungry and too horny to care about details
GATEKEEPER ..... very well , follow me

The ARAB is surprised when the GATEKEEPER unlocks the entrance to the Christian section ..... he is led into a large building with multiple doors and above one door is a sign .... BANQUET HALL for FEASTING VIRGINS

ARAB ..... OK ..... it is fine with me if it is in the Christian section .... open the door and let me in please.

The Gatekeeper unlocks the door , the Arab steps in ... and finds a room full of Elderly Roman Catholic Nuns .... eating Pork
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Old 2nd Nov 2020, 17:42
  #365 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: elstree
Posts: 19
Sean Connery walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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Old 2nd Nov 2020, 19:22
  #366 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Station 42
Age: 66
Posts: 935
A man walks into a restaurant, sits down and looks at the menu.
The waiter eventually turns up and asks if he'd like to order.
'Yes,' says the customer, 'I'd like a pint of warm beer to start with followed by a tough steak, uncooked potatoes, hard peas and two tiny mushrooms. And for dessert... blackened apple crumble with cold custard. Oh, and put a couple of curly hairs in it too.'
The waiter is shocked. 'I'm sorry, sir - we couldn't possibly do that.'
'Why not?' says the customer, 'You did it the last time I came here.'


Same guy goes into a fast food restaurant. The waitress asks what he wants.
He runs his finger down the menu. 'I'll have a glass of milk... chips ... peas ... and two p*ssholes.'
The waitress can't believe what she's just heard. 'Where does it say that ... sir?'
'Look,' he says and points out each item, 'Milk.. chips ... peas ... p*ssholes.'
She snatches the menu and looks closely. 'Oh, I'm very sorry, there's a printing error - that P should be an R.'
'OK, says the guy, 'Gimme milk, chips, peas and two ar*eholes.'

'Knock, knock'
'Who's there?'
'Ah.'
'Ah, who?'
'The werewolves of London.'

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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 07:49
  #367 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,425
Berlin has announced that in view of Covid 19 Germans should stock up with supplies of sausage and cheese.


A spokesman for the Federal Ministry of Food said that it is best to plan for the Wurst Käse scenario.
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 08:26
  #368 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 315
👍Brilliant!
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 09:18
  #369 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 172
Just went to the shops and bulk brought all the ice cream, sweets and dessert topping I could get. So now I'm stocked up for a month of sundaes.
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 10:06
  #370 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 417
Originally Posted by keyboard flier View Post
Just went to the shops and bulk brought all the ice cream, sweets and dessert topping I could get. So now I'm stocked up for a month of sundaes.
You should be pun ished for that.
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 14:01
  #371 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 449
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
You should be pun ished for that.
If I were punishéd
For ev'ry pun I shed,
I wouldn't have a puny shed
In which to hide my punish'd head
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 14:30
  #372 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 210
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
You should be pun ished for that.
Whipped and beaten
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Old 3rd Nov 2020, 14:55
  #373 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Hoofddorp The Netherlands
Age: 67
Posts: 135
Stop trifling with them...
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Old 4th Nov 2020, 05:45
  #374 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: At work (Often)
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by spitfirek5054 View Post
Stop trifling with them...
Enough, before ice cream!
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Old 4th Nov 2020, 08:26
  #375 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Manitoba Canada
Age: 69
Posts: 210
It was wintertime and the two Canadian boys were bored
So they decided to go ice fishing
Four hours later they came home lugging a hundred pounds of ice
But this story has a sad ending
Their mother drowned cooking it.
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Old 4th Nov 2020, 08:33
  #376 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Manitoba Canada
Age: 69
Posts: 210
A farmer in Saskatchewan Canada won the million dollar lottery
A TV crew attended the lottery office when he was presented with the check
They interviewed him and asked what he planned to do with the winnings.
He said he would just keep farming until it was all gone.

(actually a true story)
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Old 4th Nov 2020, 08:54
  #377 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Manitoba Canada
Age: 69
Posts: 210
WIFE ......... I think my breasts are too small
HUSBAND ... I have never complained , I like them just the way they are
WIFE ........ I know , but after 20 years of marriage and raising kids I want to improve my figure.
HUSBAND ........ what do you have in mind ??
WIFE ........ I want to get implants
HUSBAND .... there is an easier and cheaper way to make them bigger
WIFE ........ How ??
HUSBAND .... twice a day rub some toilet paper between your breasts
WIFE ......... stop joking , you cant be serious
HUSBAND .... it sure worked on your ass
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Old 4th Nov 2020, 22:41
  #378 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 81
Posts: 4,946
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
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Old 9th Nov 2020, 10:16
  #379 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,425
Everyone seems all to ready to scream "racism" these days....
Yesterday a customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant askes "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended says "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I'd asked for Italian sausages, would you have asked if I was Italian? Or if I'd asked for Bratwurst would you ask if I was German? Or if I'd asked for a Kosher hot dog would you ask if I was a Jew? Or if I'd asked for Chorizo would you ask if I was Spanish?"
The assistant admits "No, I probably wouldn't."
The customer says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why did you ask whether I'm Irish?"
The assistant replies "Because you're in Halfords."
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Old 9th Nov 2020, 14:02
  #380 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 848
What do the Goliath perch and Donald Trump have in common, (besides good looks)?

They are both seriously in the Nile.

Last edited by jolihokistix; 10th Nov 2020 at 09:13.
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