Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes Part 2

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 16th Apr 2020, 12:02
  #341 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's Ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the Pharmacist told her,

"If you're going to use this under your Arms, don't use Deodorant for a few days."

*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist said,

"If you're using it on your Legs, don't use Body Lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my Legs either".

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The Pharmacist said,

"Well, stay off your Bicycle for at least a Week".
WestofEMA is offline  
Old 16th Apr 2020, 15:44
  #342 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 69

FL575 is offline  
Old 17th Apr 2020, 06:22
  #343 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313

sirwa69 is offline  
Old 17th Apr 2020, 18:14
  #344 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 119
As holidays featured in the media today ……..


WB627 is online now  
Old 18th Apr 2020, 16:57
  #345 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 73
Posts: 796

KelvinD is offline  
Old 18th Apr 2020, 18:38
  #346 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Ramsgate Kent !
Age: 60
Posts: 19
Barack & Donald found themselves in the local barber shop. As the barbers finished their shaves,the barber who shaved Donald reached for the aftershave Donald was quick to stop him saying no thanks "my wife will smell that and think i have been in a brothel".

The second barber was also finishing, turned to Barack and said "sir after shave for you" Barack replied yes please go right ahead my wife does not know what the inside of a brothel smells like
Another James is offline  
Old 18th Apr 2020, 18:47
  #347 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,611

treadigraph is online now  
Old 19th Apr 2020, 09:07
  #348 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 97
Just for the sake of clarification, here are those UK lockdown rules, one more time:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

6. This virus can kill people, but donít be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. Itís possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you wonít need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and thereÖ

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But donít sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if youíre not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down donít eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.

16. Donít visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household canít go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you canít go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because youíre not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who arenít counted, wonít or will be counted but maybe not.

25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so itís important we get infected and some donít get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours wonít call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

Hope that makes things clearer for you.
Cheers, Bruce.
OPENDOOR is offline  
Old 19th Apr 2020, 18:37
  #349 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 444
Icare9 is offline  
Old 20th Apr 2020, 11:41
  #350 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,265
A blue box appeared in the garden.
A woman climbed out of it and told me she was a time-traveller from the future.
"What year is it?" she asked

"2020" I replied.

"Oh, the first year of quarantine", she said.

"Bother!"
PDR1 is offline  
Old 20th Apr 2020, 14:26
  #351 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 97

OPENDOOR is offline  
Old 20th Apr 2020, 18:03
  #352 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: C120
Posts: 1
A: "Hello, I'm phoning to apply for the job of Hostage Negotiator that you advertised?"

B: "I'm sorry, that job is no longer available. You've missed the deadline. YOU'RE TOO LATE."

A: "Okay. Can you just stay on the line for a moment. My name's John. What's yours?"
Jimbo2Papa is offline  
Old 21st Apr 2020, 00:38
  #353 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 12
I have a friend that is a pilot that has been stood down because of the virus thing.

He's a junior pilot, having only flown for a few years. The savings account is nearly empty.

Things are tight so I have offered to help him out.

His previous job was in the building game as a carpenter.

I have got him to renovate the house. Paint it, change some of the tiles, fix the loose fence palings and so on.

You should see how well he did the landing!
Thirsty is offline  
Old 21st Apr 2020, 05:38
  #354 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: C120
Posts: 1
Showed some flare for it did he?
Jimbo2Papa is offline  
Old 21st Apr 2020, 06:22
  #355 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,838
He really nailed it. He can operate a plane really well, once he files a plan.
Ascend Charlie is offline  
Old 21st Apr 2020, 06:25
  #356 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 73
Posts: 796
A: "Hello, I'm phoning to apply for the job of Hostage Negotiator that you advertised?"

B: "I'm sorry, that job is no longer available. You've missed the deadline. YOU'RE TOO LATE."

A: "Okay. Can you just stay on the line for a moment. My name's John. What's yours?"
Thanks a lot Milton Jones!
KelvinD is offline  
Old 21st Apr 2020, 08:12
  #357 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,611
Originally Posted by Ascend Charlie View Post
He really nailed it. He can operate a plane really well, once he files a plan.
Due to the low ceiling he filed IFR...
treadigraph is online now  
Old 23rd Apr 2020, 02:14
  #358 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 169

Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 23rd Apr 2020, 06:03
  #359 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: C120
Posts: 1

Jimbo2Papa is offline  
Old 25th Apr 2020, 03:38
  #360 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 169

Nervous SLF is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.