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New Navy Ships announced.

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New Navy Ships announced.

Old 4th Aug 2015, 13:19
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New Navy Ships announced.

Hopefully this might brighten up an otherwise dull day......


Subject: The New PC RN

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing 850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a
"non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 13:23
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 14:26
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Bah! time was we wudda kust sailed across the channel siezed a dozen new French ships renamed em with good English name and bobs yer uncle.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 14:36
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Originally Posted by tony draper View Post
Bah! time was we wudda kust sailed across the channel siezed a dozen new French ships renamed em with good English name and bobs yer uncle.
My Uncle's name is Gennaro, not Bob.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 16:20
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New Navy Ships announced.

That dulled down a rather bright day...keelhaul the blighter.

And with the carrier slowly on its way to sea trials, that could potentially be a very serious punishment indeed.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 16:35
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One would need to do a Elf & Safety check o' t' hull before keelhauling

There might be some barnacles on it
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 16:52
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Originally Posted by henry_crun View Post
Er, couple of years ago I would have assumed that to be a wind-up, but now I'm not so certain.
Henry, I'll assume you're referring to the post I made about my Uncle's name not being Bob? If so, yes you are correct: it was indeed a wind-up. (I'm sure the esteemed Tony D realized that upon reading it.)
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 17:03
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It was obviously false, as all Class 45 names have to begin with the letter D.

Depressing.
Disastrous.
Damnation.
Drunken.
Disorderly.
Discharged.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 18:17
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Drunken. Disorderly.
Those two are in the same squadron, so it seems that the traditions of the Navy might be salvaged!
Discharged.
Am reminded of a story about a sailor who got extended beyond his enlistment while deployed ... so he decided to surprise his wife when they finally let him go from the ship in a foreign port, and flew him home space A ...

She described their reuinion, at about midnight, when she heard the knock on the door. She opened it, and "there he was, standing there, with his discharge in his hand" ... the baby boy was born about nine months later.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 18:23
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My father's cousin served in the Merchant Navy during the War.
His son was born 9 months after he was 'discharged' from War service.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 19:39
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Strange: The same thing happened when I got back from Borneo.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 20:44
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In my day, before returning from a long detachment, you'd always stop off and get a large bag of green jelly babies or mint leaves. These would be thrown out onto the back lawn for the children - products of earlier returns from long detachments - to search for while mum and got re-acquainted.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 20:44
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Hmm, now that you mention it, I got back from Japan in September of 91 and my son was born June of 92.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 22:31
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Yep, it's said that the second bang would be the door closing.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 23:08
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G-CPTN, you forgot Dismal, Drizzle, Dribble, Dreich, Dreary and Dawdler.
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Old 5th Aug 2015, 05:57
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Originally Posted by Saltie View Post
In my day, before returning from a long detachment, you'd always stop off and get a large bag of green jelly babies or mint leaves. These would be thrown out onto the back lawn for the children - products of earlier returns from long detachments - to search for while mum and got re-acquainted.
In the winter time we used pocket warm coins thrown onto the snow.
Incidentally, no 1 daughter was 9 months old when I returned from one trip.
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Old 5th Aug 2015, 06:12
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A mate sent his wife a telegram (remember telegrams?) just before returning from a 12 month tour in Vietnam "be at airport with mattress strapped to back".

His wife one-upped him with her immediate reply: "make sure you're the first one off the aircraft".
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