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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Sep 2012, 15:14
  #1701 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Detroit MI
Age: 61
Posts: 1,463
I'll be happy to give her a hand.
You'd spend too much time giving yourself one...
Airborne Aircrew is offline  
Old 28th Sep 2012, 15:39
  #1702 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 72
Posts: 1,259
pigboat is offline  
Old 28th Sep 2012, 16:44
  #1703 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: N. Spain
Age: 75
Posts: 1,308
How do you make 2llbs of fat interesting?
Attach a nipple to it.
Shack37 is offline  
Old 28th Sep 2012, 18:50
  #1704 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: BELFAST
Age: 51
Posts: 10
Where does a fish keep its money?



In a river bank.


Why did the ckicken cross the playground?



to get to the other slide.

Courtesy of my six year old

I'll get his hat.
BANDIT12 is offline  
Old 28th Sep 2012, 20:06
  #1705 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Courtesy of a four year old I used to know - I'll get her bonnet
Fox3WheresMyBanana is offline  
Old 28th Sep 2012, 22:08
  #1706 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98
These are classified ads, which where actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century and
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


Lid
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Old 29th Sep 2012, 00:18
  #1707 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 503
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
Noah Zark. is offline  
Old 29th Sep 2012, 01:53
  #1708 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: engineer at large
Posts: 1,409
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Old 29th Sep 2012, 03:11
  #1709 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,804
TODAYS FABULOUS OFFER!!

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Old 29th Sep 2012, 18:42
  #1710 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: surrey
Posts: 26
I put liquid Viagra in my tea!
Does nothing for an erection, but does stop my biscuits going soft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 30th Sep 2012, 04:46
  #1711 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
Posts: 1,306
The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Lil' Johnny jumps up and says, "I wanna’ be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of Johnny, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Tanya? What do you want to be when you grow up?”


"I wanna’ be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
sisemen is offline  
Old 30th Sep 2012, 10:17
  #1712 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
It seems Slasher did the voiceover for this ....

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=654_1348932867
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 30th Sep 2012, 15:05
  #1713 (permalink)  
TRC
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Wiltshire, UK
Posts: 506
Never use Viagra if you're also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.
TRC is offline  
Old 30th Sep 2012, 15:21
  #1714 (permalink)  
Lee
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Singapore
Posts: 168
One month overdue

Found this somewhere:

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"

Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Lee is offline  
Old 1st Oct 2012, 05:32
  #1715 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 79
Posts: 4,647
Well, it made me larf.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=ZR6Cw_3q1Pg
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Old 1st Oct 2012, 08:04
  #1716 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 442
Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
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Old 1st Oct 2012, 08:06
  #1717 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
Is that Rowan Atkinson?
ricardian is offline  
Old 1st Oct 2012, 10:31
  #1718 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Detroit MI
Age: 61
Posts: 1,463
Is that Rowan Atkinson?
Yes it is... Not his best work...
Airborne Aircrew is offline  
Old 1st Oct 2012, 12:53
  #1719 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 318
I took the kids to see Walt Disney on Ice at the weekend.

It was very disappointing, just some dead bloke in a chest freezer
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I went down on One Knee last night

These Chinese girls have funny names dont they?
jethro15 is offline  
Old 1st Oct 2012, 13:25
  #1720 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Granada, Spain
Posts: 218
Great sighs of relief at Taceval Endex

43(F) Sqdn had a particularly bad Taceval...

Phalconphixer is offline  

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