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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 25th Sep 2012, 01:05
  #1681 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
Last evening on Television, they had the Emmys. It's an award show where TV people self-congratulate themselves.

Anyway, a number of years back, George Carlin was the opener for a similar show, Comedy Awards or something like that. He managed to get this one off before the Censors were able to squelch it.

"Ya know what the difference is between an Awards Show and a Gang Bang?"

On an Awards Show, everyone wants to go on last."
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 11:30
  #1682 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
Shampoo Warning! Don't wash your hair in the shower.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner, I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish Soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 12:42
  #1683 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,594
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Know a few people that would want to feed it to their partners.
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 14:21
  #1684 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
"Get rid of 200 lb of useless fat in 6 weeks"

Contact Sue, Grabbit & Runne, Divorce Lawyers
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 15:24
  #1685 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 318
Lizzie Britain

The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at the Jubilee in front
of a huge crowd.

The Queen leans towards Mr Cameron and says, "Do you know that with one
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
hearts, and they will forever speak of this great day and rejoice!"

Cameron arrogantly replies, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave
of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"

So the Queen, with one swift wave, smacked him in the mouth!!!!
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 15:29
  #1686 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
Stalemate!
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 19:35
  #1687 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Heswall,Merseyside
Posts: 30
I got the wife a pug dog as a surprise present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her....
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 21:49
  #1688 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Land of Beer and Chocolate
Age: 51
Posts: 794
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish Soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
I'm suing the makers of Dreft washing up liquid because of their claims of being able to dissolve fat. I been drinking the stuff for 3 weeks now and I ain't lost a single ounce.


Keeps the cats happy though, every time I fart they can chase the bubbles around the room.
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 23:49
  #1689 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 79
Posts: 4,632
Do you know how to lose 16 lbs of ugly fat?

Chop yer head off.
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Old 25th Sep 2012, 23:59
  #1690 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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I'm thinking about suing the makers of Lux over their slogan "if it's safe in water it's safe in Lux" - about my goldfish....
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 05:08
  #1691 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adelaide australia
Posts: 266
Aged whiskey is a sophisticated spirit that should be sipped neat and savoured, not drowned in coke like Whitney Houston.
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 07:53
  #1692 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
I failed a Health and Safety course at the office yesterday.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F*cking' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 07:56
  #1693 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,804
Wikipedia VS ... etc etc ...

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Old 28th Sep 2012, 09:56
  #1694 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Magistrate: 'At the time of the collision, what gear were you in?'

Man in the dock: 'Just what I'm wearing now, sir.'
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 10:09
  #1695 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
An old man, a new resident at a nursing home, is sitting in a chair.

He begins to lean over to the left, and in a moment a nearby nurse steps up and strsaightens him up.

Shortly after, he begins to lean to the right, and another nurse promptly straightens him up again.

A minute or two later, he begins again to lean to the left, but again a nurse quickly pushes him upright.

Just then, the man's daughter arrives for a visit.

'How are you settling in, Dad?' she asks.

'Not bad,' said the old man. 'But they're pretty strict. They won't even let you fart.'
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 10:10
  #1696 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Magistrates: 'At the time of the collision, what speed were you doing?'

Man in the dock: 'Er, not.'
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 12:47
  #1697 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,804
Awkward moments #43

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Old 28th Sep 2012, 13:19
  #1698 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,804


(Social Media Photo - Ms McSnort)








A leading catwalk model, Mandy McSnort, says that her plastic surgeon, Dr Jose Mannas Guatamarez, is guilty of serious malpractice.






She says Dr Guatamarez left her nipples totally uneven, when he performed a breast augmentation on her recently.






Ms McSnort is extremely unhappy with her appearance, and states she wants nothing less than perfect nipple alignment corrective surgery.







She has contacted a lawyer, and says she is planning to sue Dr Guatamarez, and will file a damages lawsuit in the National Court of Justice in Mexico City.







Dr Guatamarez, in his defence, says he sees nothing wrong with Ms McSnort's breasts.







He is reported to have stated ..... "Hell, they look perfectly normal to me. I can't see what all the fuss is about."





<





<





(Social Media Photo - Dr Guatamarez)

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Old 28th Sep 2012, 13:30
  #1699 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Nirvana
Posts: 112
Onetrack - the funniest post I've read for some years. I swear I've wet myself.

Bravo
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Old 28th Sep 2012, 14:35
  #1700 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,008
If she wants some minor corrective work done I'll be happy to give her a hand.
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