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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Sep 2012, 10:34
  #1661 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 11:15
  #1662 (permalink)  
 
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2sheds,
Admiral spelling corrected...don't get bthe "crooner" bit
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 11:31
  #1663 (permalink)  
 
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Chiglet - you must be one of the newer fellows.
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 13:10
  #1664 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a
sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

Last edited by Lon More; 21st Sep 2012 at 13:10.
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 16:50
  #1665 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
from an evil friend who nose how forgetful I am:

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Last edited by probes; 21st Sep 2012 at 16:58.
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 19:51
  #1666 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 19:58
  #1667 (permalink)  
 
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Guy brings his wife to their doctor because she's exhibiting signs of some illness which they can't figure out.

Doctor orders a bunch of tests and tells the couple to come back in a few days to discuss the results.

A few days later the couple returns to the doctor and the doctor asks to speak with the husband alone.

H: "What's wrong doctor?"
D: "I'm afraid I have terrible news for you."
H: "Oh god no. Tell me. Please. What is wrong with my wife?"
D: "Well, it's either one of two things I'm afraid. It's either Alzheimer's disease or venereal disease".
H: "Doctor, that's awful. I never thought.... But how can we tell which disease it is?"
D: "Well. I would suggest that on your way home from my office you drop your wife off in the woods somewhere, drive home and wait."
H: "What is that going to do?"
D: "Well. If your wife makes it home okay, don't f**k her anymore."
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 20:14
  #1668 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 20:21
  #1669 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Sep 2012, 21:21
  #1670 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 22nd Sep 2012, 22:42
  #1671 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
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An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.

When will the madness end?
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Old 22nd Sep 2012, 23:12
  #1672 (permalink)  
 
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When will the madness end?
'twon't - t'World's Gone Mad.
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Old 23rd Sep 2012, 01:20
  #1673 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Sep 2012, 04:24
  #1674 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Sep 2012, 08:37
  #1675 (permalink)  
 
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So the new 'Apple maps' has cities placed miles from where they should be.

Hardly news, Ryanair pilots have been using the app for years now.
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Old 24th Sep 2012, 14:19
  #1676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Spoof Amazon reviews # 1

“There have been many memorable foils through the ages. For every Hamlet, a Laertes. For every Holmes, a Watson. And now, for every kitchen, 18” Aluminium Foil from Sussex Supplies.”
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Old 24th Sep 2012, 14:20
  #1677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
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Spoof Amazon reviews # 2

“As someone who lives in a large town many miles from the ocean you wouldn’t think that huge ships would be much of a problem for me. Well dear reader how wrong you’d be! There’s a canal about a mile away and huge ships have been the bain of my existence, BUT NO MORE!!! Thanks to Captain Trimmer’s insightful, witty and at times controversial tome of huge ship avoidance, huge ships are no longer a huge problem! His renegade huge ship avoidance tactics are the only things keeping my sanity in check! Thank you Captain Trimmer. Thank you. “


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Old 24th Sep 2012, 22:12
  #1678 (permalink)  
 
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Old 24th Sep 2012, 23:05
  #1679 (permalink)  
 
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Spoof Amazon reviews # 3




"Literally unputdownable."

Last edited by Arm out the window; 24th Sep 2012 at 23:06.
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Old 24th Sep 2012, 23:10
  #1680 (permalink)  
 
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Spoof reviews #4

What can I say about this book? Once I put it down, I couldn't pick it up.

Last edited by pianydd; 24th Sep 2012 at 23:13.
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