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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Sep 2012, 19:39
  #1601 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
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My gold-plated butt plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent on overpriced crap for assholes.
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Old 13th Sep 2012, 21:20
  #1602 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Maybe you got the shape wrong, Pigboat?
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Old 13th Sep 2012, 21:22
  #1603 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Formerly of Nam
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If Jet Blast was a live performance....?


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Old 13th Sep 2012, 21:59
  #1604 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
typos, typos...



Note to school districts: If you are going to produce a field-side banner aiming at increasing sponsorship via the sales of other similar banners, make sure that your own product is spell checked -- and word checked -- before it goes to the printers, and after it comes out. In particular, avoid the mistake made by the Red Lion Area School District -- a school district in Pennsylvania -- in the banner above, as first noted by Deadspin and originally posted to Tw*tter by Ryan Petzar.

Last edited by probes; 13th Sep 2012 at 22:00.
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 09:07
  #1605 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of screaming natives waving spears.

"I'm done for!", the man cries in despair.

"NO - YOU'RE NOT!" .. comes a booming voice from the heavens.

"Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say!"

"Grab the spear from the native beside you, and shove it through the heart of the native chief!"

The man does so, and the remainder of the natives stop, give a collective gasp, and stare in disbelief.

"Now, what?", the man asks of the heavenly voice.

"NOW - YOU'RE DONE FOR!!"
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 10:49
  #1606 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Farnham Surrey
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United Kingdom

The London Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a rowing boat,rowing towards central London .
"The captain of the police boat gets on the loudhailer and shouts
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts,
"We are invading the United Kingdom !"
The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says
"Just the two of you then?"
The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts,
"No, we`re just the last two. The rest are already here!
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 11:11
  #1607 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Malvern, UK
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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and
...the first thing he notices is that the sand on the beach is purple.

He looks up and sees that the trees at the edge of the beach are also purple.

He looks up further and sees the mountains in the distance are also purple.

"Oh my God!" he says "I've been marooned!"
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 11:16
  #1608 (permalink)  
 
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. . . and a little purple man ran up and pushed him back in the water, shouting "In di go!"
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 11:39
  #1609 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
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. . . and a little purple man ran up and pushed him back in the water, shouting "In di go!"
No matter how angry you are, violet is never the answer!
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 12:55
  #1610 (permalink)  
 
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Location: North Queensland, Australia
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He would have been hoping to lavender next boat out.
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 13:04
  #1611 (permalink)  
 
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And the music that was permeating his head was about precipitation from the short Artist know as symbol...............................

"Purple rain, puuuuurple rain
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 13:50
  #1612 (permalink)  
 
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speaking of colors

roses are reddish
and violets are bluish.
if it wasn't for jesus,
we'd all be jewish.
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 13:54
  #1613 (permalink)  
 
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OK, altogether now.......................

'It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One eye?)'
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Old 14th Sep 2012, 20:56
  #1614 (permalink)  
 
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iPhone


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Old 14th Sep 2012, 22:08
  #1615 (permalink)  
 
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Iphone ...................feel almost like a luddite these days as don't have an Iphone and don't ever want one.

People raving about what you can do with it I just ask does it make calls.
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Old 15th Sep 2012, 07:49
  #1616 (permalink)  
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Iphone

I wouldn't be able to work it - far too complicated me thinks.

My mobile cost about 5 bob and it makes and receives calls and texts from all all over the world amazing!


The camera on my new mobile phone is brilliant. It even works under water.

"That's great, Uncle Nigel, but can I finish my bath now please?"
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Old 15th Sep 2012, 08:45
  #1617 (permalink)  
 
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he Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts,
"No, we`re just the last two. The rest are already here!
Long time ago, in a distant Yorkshire town .... A Pakistani went to a Travel Agent to buy a ticket back to Karachi ( yes, it did happen occasionally, a long, long, time ago ) but he was told that he was one pound short to complete the ticket purchase. Reaching around his various pockets he came up with 19/6d (I said it was a long time ago ) so he went outside and stopped the first guy passing, and asked if he could give him sixpence to buy his ticket home. The passerby said - here's half a crown ( it was a long time ago ) please take four of your friends with you !

( for younger readers there were 5 sixpences in half a crown )
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Old 15th Sep 2012, 09:00
  #1618 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
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...........I just ask does it make calls.
Probably only with great difficulty, and therefore no good for those of us suffering from NEGBF ( New Electronic Gadget Brain Failure )

Here in NZ we have access to a "Senior Phone " it is as big as one of the early mobile phones, has a large screen and very big buttons, no games, no funny menus, ONLY makes, and receives, voice calls. No text, no camera, no internet, no GPS - magic.

trouble is .... it costs about $120. When our darling Telecom turned off the old style network last month I was tempted to go for one, but instead found something for only $30. so I reckoned I couldn't justify paying 4x the price, trouble is the one I bought is still fairly basic in what it will do, but it needs a rocket scientist with 12x magnifying lenses and fingers like toothpicks to make it work, and it definitely isn't intuitively User Friendly, so not a lot of help for EGBF afflicted. Grrrrrr !

World's Gone Mad. ( why do they have to CHANGE everything.)
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Old 15th Sep 2012, 09:10
  #1619 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
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A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the barman why they're there.

The barman says, "It's a competition! If you can climb up there and get those pieces of meat down, you'll get free drinks all night!

But - if you try and fail - then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub.

Do you fancy having a go?"

The man takes a long, hard look at the ceiling, before saying, "No, I'll just have a pint, thanks. The steaks are too high!"
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Old 15th Sep 2012, 09:45
  #1620 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: I'm the asshole next door
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Posts: 176
Q. What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A. Pokémon
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