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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Apr 2019, 18:50
  #12721 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 4th Apr 2019, 18:27
  #12722 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
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Old 4th Apr 2019, 18:40
  #12723 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: ILS 110.75
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Originally Posted by teeteringhead View Post
Auxtank

Your (excellent) dinosaurs/ark cartoon was anticipated many years ago by Charles Addams - but his were unicorns. I'll try and find a copy.

But judging by tyhe number of unicorns around tese days - some must have escaped!

Edited to add: Found it! Google is your friend...



Excellent Teeteringhead.

Staying on the biblical theme...





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Old 5th Apr 2019, 01:12
  #12724 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: A place so nice, they named it twice
Posts: 97
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. Support Bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have!
9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
13. OK - so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 02:15
  #12725 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 537
Ah, jokes at last. Heaven!
jolihokistix is online now  
Old 5th Apr 2019, 04:45
  #12726 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: NZ
Age: 67
Posts: 187
He who laughs last, thinks slowest
Sounds like my boss.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 17:12
  #12727 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Liverpool
Age: 43
Posts: 462
22. The length of a piece of string is twice the distance of one end to the middle.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 18:00
  #12728 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,505
Or twice as long as it is folded in two.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 18:40
  #12729 (permalink)  
Below the Glidepath - not correcting
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by gupta View Post
1. Save the whales. ... That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Thanks Gupta. After years of reading this thread, somebody actually made me laugh! Good job.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 19:31
  #12730 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,160
Originally Posted by clareprop View Post
22. The length of a piece of string is twice the distance of one end to the middle.
True, but when you cut the ends off why doesn't it become endless?

PDR
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 19:34
  #12731 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,511
23. If a condom doesn't fit, best to cut the end off it so it does.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 19:36
  #12732 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 312
Very old joke:
Q: How do you make a piece of string infinitely long?
A: Cut the ends off. It will become endless.
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 20:06
  #12733 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: ILS 110.75
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 20:43
  #12734 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 5th Apr 2019, 23:28
  #12735 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 388
Must remember to try this when I get to 80 ……..

Senior Parachute Club
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the folks.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 80 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen sometimes can be lots of fun.
At least she’s stopped trying to tell me what to do.
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Old 6th Apr 2019, 01:26
  #12736 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by racedo View Post
23. If a condom doesn't fit, best to cut the end off it so it does.

Just a warning. Dont try this! Dont cut the end off. There was blood everywhere and the pain was unbearable.

And it also completely ruined the mood.
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Old 6th Apr 2019, 07:49
  #12737 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by Auxtank View Post
My mate's missus left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad; I've been using that powdered stuff."
Since my wife left I've got myself a 21 year old Asian girlfriend, a new Harley Davidson and been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.

She's not going to be happy when she gets back from work tonight.....
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Old 6th Apr 2019, 11:18
  #12738 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
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Originally Posted by Axerock View Post
Just a warning. Dont try this! Dont cut the end off. There was blood everywhere and the pain was unbearable.

And it also completely ruined the mood.
Depends on the cicumcisionstances I expect.
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Old 6th Apr 2019, 12:08
  #12739 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: West London
Posts: 335
Originally Posted by racedo View Post
23. If a condom doesn't fit, best to cut the end off it so it does.
It's a little known fact that all condoms have a unique serial number printed on them, so that manufacturers can trace them following manufacturing complaints. The serial number if printed at the very bottom of a rolled-up condom.

Oh, hang on. Maybe you've not noticed this because you've never needed to fully unroll it.
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Old 6th Apr 2019, 23:20
  #12740 (permalink)  
 
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